My mum (F 55) and I (F23) have a very strained relationship but she doesn't know it or understand why.

I want to start off by saying my mum is an ok person, she was never physically abusive, always make sure I have what I needed and I'm still financially depended on my parents as I'm still in uni. I grew up never thinking that she is emotionally abusive but after talking to my friends in a similar situation I realized her behaviors fucked me up a lot (i.e. low self-esteem, people pleaser, trust issues, overtly clingy) so idk.

For as long as I remember, she was always in arguments with my dad. As a kid I thought that's how they communicate, maybe it is, but I hate it when they fight, usually over small issues. I would hide in my room because I don't want to hear it and I don't want to get caught in the cross fire. But then they will yell at me for always staying in my room. My brother feels the same way after we talked about it recently as adults. My mum is very passive aggressive, to a point that my brother specifically told his (now ex) gf he can't stand any passive aggressiveness in a relationship.

She was always really critical of my weight. I'm overweight since I was in high school and I was always very sensitive about it. She would always criticize my weight and then turn around and offer me food. She would say things like your stomach is bigger than your tits now. This caused severe self-esteem issues for me. I never liked the way I look in high school, I hate looking in the mirror and since I let my mum buy my clothes for me, I always look like potato in a sack. When I started uni, I started to shop with my friends and they helped me find clothes that I look good in. I'm still overweight but I look much better now, sometimes I will see myself in a mirror and think "wow, I look good today". But it's such an uphill battle, I need to unlearn my tendency to put myself down. And it hurts everytime when I go home my mum will make comment like " you should exercise more" or "you look slimmer now" even though I know I didn't lose weight. I'm actually fine with my weight now, but it's so hard to convince myself when my own mother keep making comments.

Also I feel like her love is very conditional. In my country we have this big exam at the end of high school where it basically determined where you go to uni and stuff. My brother is really smart, he did well in the exam and got a scholarship to study abroad in US, so my mum had very high hopes on me. I did great too, my brother got 9 A+ and 2 A, while I got 8 A+ and 3 A. So it breaks me when I happily called her about my result, she just asked me "are you actually happy with your result?". I was crushed, I have to stopped myself from crying in front of my friends and my teacher. To add salt to the injury, she came back from work the next day and told me I got the best result among her colleagues' children and she is proud of me. In my mind all I can think of is that if any of her colleagues' children did better than me then she won't be proud of me anymore. There are a lot more instances but I don't want to start rambling

So naturally I kind of distance myself from her and choose a uni 12 hours away from home so I don't have to go home often. And I don't tell her a lot about my life, cause she doesn't like that most of my friends are of another race. Now she obviously can feel that I'm not sharing my life with her, so she will get angry and say I don't understand how a parent feel when their kids don't contact them. And always accusing me of having a bf or going to parties. Well, tbf I did party and drink but I know how to take care of myself and there's no good for her to know this so I lied to her. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm the most heartless person ever because I will legit think to myself "I will be ok if I never hear from her again", especially when my friends are really close with their family. But on the other hand, I feel like she brings a lot of negativity into my life and it's ok for me to put myself first. How can I attempt to mend this relationship without her keep making me feel bad?

tl;dr- growing up with my mum severely crushing my self-esteem and deny me love when she see fits. Now she can't understand why I want to distance myself from her and tell me she's hurt that I won't tell her about my life and always lie to her.

Submitted April 05, 2019 at 07:40PM

I want to start off by saying my mum is an ok person, she was never physically abusive, always make sure I have what I needed and I'm still financially depended on my parents as I'm still in uni. I grew up never thinking that she is emotionally abusive but after talking to my friends in a similar situation I realized her behaviors fucked me up a lot (i.e. low self-esteem, people pleaser, trust issues, overtly clingy) so idk.For as long as I remember, she was always in arguments with my dad. As a kid I thought that's how they communicate, maybe it is, but I hate it when they fight, usually over small issues. I would hide in my room because I don't want to hear it and I don't want to get caught in the cross fire. But then they will yell at me for always staying in my room. My brother feels the same way after we talked about it recently as adults. My mum is very passive aggressive, to a point that my brother specifically told his (now ex) gf he can't stand any passive aggressiveness in a relationship.She was always really critical of my weight. I'm overweight since I was in high school and I was always very sensitive about it. She would always criticize my weight and then turn around and offer me food. She would say things like your stomach is bigger than your tits now. This caused severe self-esteem issues for me. I never liked the way I look in high school, I hate looking in the mirror and since I let my mum buy my clothes for me, I always look like potato in a sack. When I started uni, I started to shop with my friends and they helped me find clothes that I look good in. I'm still overweight but I look much better now, sometimes I will see myself in a mirror and think "wow, I look good today". But it's such an uphill battle, I need to unlearn my tendency to put myself down. And it hurts everytime when I go home my mum will make comment like " you should exercise more" or "you look slimmer now" even though I know I didn't lose weight. I'm actually fine with my weight now, but it's so hard to convince myself when my own mother keep making comments.Also I feel like her love is very conditional. In my country we have this big exam at the end of high school where it basically determined where you go to uni and stuff. My brother is really smart, he did well in the exam and got a scholarship to study abroad in US, so my mum had very high hopes on me. I did great too, my brother got 9 A+ and 2 A, while I got 8 A+ and 3 A. So it breaks me when I happily called her about my result, she just asked me "are you actually happy with your result?". I was crushed, I have to stopped myself from crying in front of my friends and my teacher. To add salt to the injury, she came back from work the next day and told me I got the best result among her colleagues' children and she is proud of me. In my mind all I can think of is that if any of her colleagues' children did better than me then she won't be proud of me anymore. There are a lot more instances but I don't want to start ramblingSo naturally I kind of distance myself from her and choose a uni 12 hours away from home so I don't have to go home often. And I don't tell her a lot about my life, cause she doesn't like that most of my friends are of another race. Now she obviously can feel that I'm not sharing my life with her, so she will get angry and say I don't understand how a parent feel when their kids don't contact them. And always accusing me of having a bf or going to parties. Well, tbf I did party and drink but I know how to take care of myself and there's no good for her to know this so I lied to her. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm the most heartless person ever because I will legit think to myself "I will be ok if I never hear from her again", especially when my friends are really close with their family. But on the other hand, I feel like she brings a lot of negativity into my life and it's ok for me to put myself first. How can I attempt to mend this relationship without her keep making me feel bad?tl;dr- growing up with my mum severely crushing my self-esteem and deny me love when she see fits. Now she can't understand why I want to distance myself from her and tell me she's hurt that I won't tell her about my life and always lie to her.