My [22F] boyfriend [22M] refuses to say the truth about his romantic history.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. He's generally been kind, patient, and understanding in many ways, and he goes to a lot of lengths to make me happy. There's just one thing that is driving me NUTS, and that is why he won't tell me the truth about his romantic past before me.

Before he and I got together we had been FWBs for a year. The first time we slept together, he had cheated on his most recent ex, and he broke up with her the day after and we continued to sleep together. In my defense I tried to tell him I was not down for this kind of thing (i.e. encouraging cheating) but he coaxed me into it, and I, not knowing many details of his private life back then, eventually gave in after about 1 hour of saying no.

We slept together for about a year. I got feelings for him. After a few months of holding them back, I confessed my feelings to him, and he openly told me he wished to just be friends. I said that ok, that hurt me very much, but that means I would like to stop sleeping together. Two weeks after that emotional confession he seduced me again (his initiative). A few months after I confessed, he confessed that he had been in love with me for a long time and was scared of being in a relationship in case I decided to leave him. I said my feelings for him had not died. We got together.

Now here's the strange part.

In the few months between my confession and his, he talked to me like someone who wasn't in love with me - he talked about his ex and how she'd gotten with someone else, his conversations with her, the time they spent, stuff like that. (They had remained close friends after their break up). Basically he treated me like a friend, albeit with no consideration for how hearing about his ex would make me feel after I confessed my feelings for him. But when he confessed to me, he said he had been in love with me for a long time and it had built up over several months. Except... there were just 4 months in between my confession and his and he was still talking to me like he was to a friend. It was only in the last month that he started being more affectionate in the way you'd expect someone who has a crush on you to be.

When we got together I asked him about this inconsistency. He told me he didn't want to talk about it, and I, dazed that someone I had feelings for so long wanted me back, didn't push it. But as time went on, he still maintains he "doesn't remember" what happened and why he felt that way back then. His rationale is that because we were best friends he felt like he could tell me anything, but he still doesn't remember exactly how long he liked me and how he felt back then. I told him I could recreate the events because I remember them and he could please just tell me why. He declined and said he has nothing to say.

It gets EVEN weirder because apparently the whole time he was sleeping with me (1 year prior to us getting together), and for 1 year before we even met (when he was with his ex) he was too friendly and flirtatious with a girl in his texts. I'm sure he found her attractive cause his texts with her were super flirtatious, there was a picture of her in her panties, the chat was full of hearts and shit like that. For two years. They talked all day every day. (I got immensely drunk once and read his texts with her cause I was suspicious that he pointed how good she looked. I know it's bad.)

When he and I got together all of this stopped. He stopped talking to his ex, he stopped texting her as much and all their texts were just civil and a "normal" level of friendly. He made a joke once comparing me to her though. I flew into a rage and asked what she meant to him. He said she was just a distant friend (lies. They were best friends that flirted for 2 years and that stopped only when we got together).

So I get that before he and I were official, he had the right to be stringing other people along if he so chose. But why lie? He told me that even when being FWBs he was the only person I was involved with. He told me he loved me for a long time. Both of these seem untrue based on my knowledge. I have asked him what really happened multiple times - his answer always is he doesn't remember and he can't reconstruct the events. He says I don't trust him enough. I am afraid to get too pushy because he is GENUINELY very kind and faithful to me right now. He is extremely devoted, very affectionate, very caring. He legit wants to spend his life with me. I'm literally smothered in affection and he's always there to help me out. I know the love right now is real. I just don't get why he was lying about the past. I have been trying to excuse it as university-age students doing dumb things as per usual, but I don't know if I can live without the truth forever.

Am I being unreasonable? I am fine with him saying he was involved with others before being official with me if he had just always been honest about it. Is it just possible that in his mind, it was just a flirtationship that didn't hold much merit? Either way... he could just tell me.

Most importantly, HOW do I get him to confess the truth? I haven't mentioned reading his texts cause I know he will fly into a rage. Should I ask him to read them with me together?

Thank you.

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tl;dr: Boyfriend keeps lying to me about his romantic situation from before we got together. How do I get him to say the truth and why is he hiding it from me?

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Submitted April 05, 2019 at 08:30PM

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. He's generally been kind, patient, and understanding in many ways, and he goes to a lot of lengths to make me happy. There's just one thing that is driving me NUTS, and that is why he won't tell me the truth about his romantic past before me.Before he and I got together we had been FWBs for a year. The first time we slept together, he had cheated on his most recent ex, and he broke up with her the day after and we continued to sleep together. In my defense I tried to tell him I was not down for this kind of thing (i.e. encouraging cheating) but he coaxed me into it, and I, not knowing many details of his private life back then, eventually gave in after about 1 hour of saying no.We slept together for about a year. I got feelings for him. After a few months of holding them back, I confessed my feelings to him, and he openly told me he wished to just be friends. I said that ok, that hurt me very much, but that means I would like to stop sleeping together. Two weeks after that emotional confession he seduced me again (his initiative). A few months after I confessed, he confessed that he had been in love with me for a long time and was scared of being in a relationship in case I decided to leave him. I said my feelings for him had not died. We got together.Now here's the strange part.In the few months between my confession and his, he talked to me like someone who wasn't in love with me - he talked about his ex and how she'd gotten with someone else, his conversations with her, the time they spent, stuff like that. (They had remained close friends after their break up). Basically he treated me like a friend, albeit with no consideration for how hearing about his ex would make me feel after I confessed my feelings for him. But when he confessed to me, he said he had been in love with me for a long time and it had built up over several months. Except... there were just 4 months in between my confession and his and he was still talking to me like he was to a friend. It was only in the last month that he started being more affectionate in the way you'd expect someone who has a crush on you to be.When we got together I asked him about this inconsistency. He told me he didn't want to talk about it, and I, dazed that someone I had feelings for so long wanted me back, didn't push it. But as time went on, he still maintains he "doesn't remember" what happened and why he felt that way back then. His rationale is that because we were best friends he felt like he could tell me anything, but he still doesn't remember exactly how long he liked me and how he felt back then. I told him I could recreate the events because I remember them and he could please just tell me why. He declined and said he has nothing to say.It gets EVEN weirder because apparently the whole time he was sleeping with me (1 year prior to us getting together), and for 1 year before we even met (when he was with his ex) he was too friendly and flirtatious with a girl in his texts. I'm sure he found her attractive cause his texts with her were super flirtatious, there was a picture of her in her panties, the chat was full of hearts and shit like that. For two years. They talked all day every day. (I got immensely drunk once and read his texts with her cause I was suspicious that he pointed how good she looked. I know it's bad.)When he and I got together all of this stopped. He stopped talking to his ex, he stopped texting her as much and all their texts were just civil and a "normal" level of friendly. He made a joke once comparing me to her though. I flew into a rage and asked what she meant to him. He said she was just a distant friend (lies. They were best friends that flirted for 2 years and that stopped only when we got together).So I get that before he and I were official, he had the right to be stringing other people along if he so chose. But why lie? He told me that even when being FWBs he was the only person I was involved with. He told me he loved me for a long time. Both of these seem untrue based on my knowledge. I have asked him what really happened multiple times - his answer always is he doesn't remember and he can't reconstruct the events. He says I don't trust him enough. I am afraid to get too pushy because he is GENUINELY very kind and faithful to me right now. He is extremely devoted, very affectionate, very caring. He legit wants to spend his life with me. I'm literally smothered in affection and he's always there to help me out. I know the love right now is real. I just don't get why he was lying about the past. I have been trying to excuse it as university-age students doing dumb things as per usual, but I don't know if I can live without the truth forever.Am I being unreasonable? I am fine with him saying he was involved with others before being official with me if he had just always been honest about it. Is it just possible that in his mind, it was just a flirtationship that didn't hold much merit? Either way... he could just tell me.Most importantly, HOW do I get him to confess the truth? I haven't mentioned reading his texts cause I know he will fly into a rage. Should I ask him to read them with me together?Thank you.----tl;dr: Boyfriend keeps lying to me about his romantic situation from before we got together. How do I get him to say the truth and why is he hiding it from me?​