I (F,21) just got broken up with (M,21) and I'm terrified of going back to life without him

Yesterday, my boyfriend of six amazing months broke up with me. I was so so in love with him. No one could possibly compare, he bought me a locket with his face and his cat's in it and I wore it everyday, unless there was any possibility that I could lose it. We went away for a weekend together and I honestly think it was the most romantic thing. I met everyone in his life, I got so sucked in. We made traditions, built things together, spoke all the time. I had never been able to be myself so much around anyone but him.

At the beginning I used to ask him why he liked me. He was smart, charming, good looking, but so open and didn't feel the need to take charge all the time. When I think of men, and I know this is bad, I'm working on it, I think of one type of emotionally stunted, trying to always be the big guy, boring man (probably a childhood thing). He wasn't like that, I felt so lucky so I'd always ask 'why me?' He would say I was 'fun'. This rubbed me up the wrong way. It was a great big red flag. I told him and he convinced me it was great, and he only said that because it was what he didn't get at all from his ex. So I let it go.

I should not have let it go. I can't always be fun. I get stressed, I have times that aren't fun and I'm not fun. Such as my massive dissertation for university which almost destroyed me with stress. I got snappy. We always bickered but argued more than usual. It wasn't all me - he'd push my buttons a lot and get me riled up. I'd do very light play slaps sometimes, which he really took offence to. So yeah, we bickered.

Looking back now, over the past few weeks he was pulling away from me. He always told me he was great at communication though so I didn't think he'd hold so much back from me. Then he tells me we need to talk. I freak out but everyone tells me its just a talk, you explain how much pressure you've been under, you say you'll work on being argumentative, then you move on.

But by coffee the next day he had made up his mind. Said he didn't know if he loved me at all, if he ever had. He was sorry he rushed into things. I'm so angry he never told me that he was unhappy and let it get so bad it couldn't be repaired and I told him so. He didn't get it at first but by the end I did get through to him and by the end he was almost crying too. He felt awful and kept apologising. We talked for two hours. He said he had the best time with me, he was going to get therapy, and I was 'perfect' and I had done so much for his confidence.

I don't care about that though, I don't care that he's sorry. All I care about is that I'll never get to be with, or maybe even see my first love again. I have to go back to life without him and I'm so so scared of that life. I thought it at the time, my life was dull. I went to the library, studied all day, got back to my flat, ate, watched tv and went to bed. The next day I did it all again. When I met D I knew he was the person to brighten me life. He was. He made everything better, even when I was doing my routine he was messaging me when no one else was. I always had a date to look forward to, or even just going and hanging out at his. Now it's all been taken away, and I have to go back to my old life and I just don't want to! And I can't even hope to get him back! He never loved me like I loved him!

It just feels hopeless. I don't know how to be happy alone. I'm going to counselling because clearly I need it but it's a three week waiting list and that seems so far. Honestly I feel like with counselling I'll learn to cope but I'll never be as happy as I was with D. Even if I find another person to love how can I ever love so freely and innocently again? That's even if I find another person so perfect to me.

I feel like everyone will tell me that it's my first real heartbreak so this is just how it is, but the pain is unbearable. I don't know how anything anyone will say can help. I suppose I'm so scared of loneliness. Just if anyone has felt like this and have anything to advise about getting through it, and how to live as freely and as happily as before, I would just love to hear it.

TL;DR: I got broken up with after my boyfriend realised he couldn't handle trying to fix any unhappiness or problems. I am very scared of being as lonely and as bored as I was before I met him. I'm a mess.

Submitted April 05, 2019 at 08:09PM

Yesterday, my boyfriend of six amazing months broke up with me. I was so so in love with him. No one could possibly compare, he bought me a locket with his face and his cat's in it and I wore it everyday, unless there was any possibility that I could lose it. We went away for a weekend together and I honestly think it was the most romantic thing. I met everyone in his life, I got so sucked in. We made traditions, built things together, spoke all the time. I had never been able to be myself so much around anyone but him.At the beginning I used to ask him why he liked me. He was smart, charming, good looking, but so open and didn't feel the need to take charge all the time. When I think of men, and I know this is bad, I'm working on it, I think of one type of emotionally stunted, trying to always be the big guy, boring man (probably a childhood thing). He wasn't like that, I felt so lucky so I'd always ask 'why me?' He would say I was 'fun'. This rubbed me up the wrong way. It was a great big red flag. I told him and he convinced me it was great, and he only said that because it was what he didn't get at all from his ex. So I let it go.I should not have let it go. I can't always be fun. I get stressed, I have times that aren't fun and I'm not fun. Such as my massive dissertation for university which almost destroyed me with stress. I got snappy. We always bickered but argued more than usual. It wasn't all me - he'd push my buttons a lot and get me riled up. I'd do very light play slaps sometimes, which he really took offence to. So yeah, we bickered.Looking back now, over the past few weeks he was pulling away from me. He always told me he was great at communication though so I didn't think he'd hold so much back from me. Then he tells me we need to talk. I freak out but everyone tells me its just a talk, you explain how much pressure you've been under, you say you'll work on being argumentative, then you move on.But by coffee the next day he had made up his mind. Said he didn't know if he loved me at all, if he ever had. He was sorry he rushed into things. I'm so angry he never told me that he was unhappy and let it get so bad it couldn't be repaired and I told him so. He didn't get it at first but by the end I did get through to him and by the end he was almost crying too. He felt awful and kept apologising. We talked for two hours. He said he had the best time with me, he was going to get therapy, and I was 'perfect' and I had done so much for his confidence.I don't care about that though, I don't care that he's sorry. All I care about is that I'll never get to be with, or maybe even see my first love again. I have to go back to life without him and I'm so so scared of that life. I thought it at the time, my life was dull. I went to the library, studied all day, got back to my flat, ate, watched tv and went to bed. The next day I did it all again. When I met D I knew he was the person to brighten me life. He was. He made everything better, even when I was doing my routine he was messaging me when no one else was. I always had a date to look forward to, or even just going and hanging out at his. Now it's all been taken away, and I have to go back to my old life and I just don't want to! And I can't even hope to get him back! He never loved me like I loved him!It just feels hopeless. I don't know how to be happy alone. I'm going to counselling because clearly I need it but it's a three week waiting list and that seems so far. Honestly I feel like with counselling I'll learn to cope but I'll never be as happy as I was with D. Even if I find another person to love how can I ever love so freely and innocently again? That's even if I find another person so perfect to me.I feel like everyone will tell me that it's my first real heartbreak so this is just how it is, but the pain is unbearable. I don't know how anything anyone will say can help. I suppose I'm so scared of loneliness. Just if anyone has felt like this and have anything to advise about getting through it, and how to live as freely and as happily as before, I would just love to hear it.TL;DR: I got broken up with after my boyfriend realised he couldn't handle trying to fix any unhappiness or problems. I am very scared of being as lonely and as bored as I was before I met him. I'm a mess.