The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together.

He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too.

Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.”

I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible.

His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for here, mostly advice or perspective if anyone else has dealt with something like this before. Is it better to just accept his flexibility (even though it isn’t presented in the most amiable way) or should I continue to try to discuss our differences when they arise? At the heart of it I just hate feeling like he’s conceding but continuing to think to himself that my expectations aren’t reasonable. Or worse, that he’s suppressing his own needs in an attempt to avoid conflict, which will create resentment over time.

tl;dr When my boyfriend and I disagree, he tends to concede quickly to avoid conflict. I want to talk about the disagreement to get a better understanding of each other, but this tends to escalate the conflict because he feels like I’m harping on the issue and trying to prove my perspective is the “right” one. Trying to find a balance.

Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:00AM

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together.He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too.Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.”I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible.His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise.I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for here, mostly advice or perspective if anyone else has dealt with something like this before. Is it better to just accept his flexibility (even though it isn’t presented in the most amiable way) or should I continue to try to discuss our differences when they arise? At the heart of it I just hate feeling like he’s conceding but continuing to think to himself that my expectations aren’t reasonable. Or worse, that he’s suppressing his own needs in an attempt to avoid conflict, which will create resentment over time.tl;dr When my boyfriend and I disagree, he tends to concede quickly to avoid conflict. I want to talk about the disagreement to get a better understanding of each other, but this tends to escalate the conflict because he feels like I’m harping on the issue and trying to prove my perspective is the “right” one. Trying to find a balance.