My (24M) girlfriend (23F) of 6 months is on speaking terms with her ex (24M) again and it's leaving me very confused/distraught

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this because it has been a lot since day one.

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For backstory, I started dating my current girlfriend about a month after she had broken up with her ex. They were dating for 9 months and they considered each other best friends before they started dating. He had moved across the country and essentially ghosted her for "mental health reasons" then broke up with her when confronted. Then they went no contact. I met her, we started clicking really fast and we both admitted that we had crushes on each other and wanted to date. It was pretty fast but I don't regret any bit of it because I just felt like she was the one for me.

Then 1 month later, her ex starts messaging her again about how he's been having a really rough time mentally being across the country no friends etc yadda yadda and started heavily hinting about how amazing of a girlfriend she was and how stupid he was to have left that behind. Basically, he was trying to push her to get back together with him (they had broken up once before and had gotten back together shortly after). She was visibly annoyed every single time and would complain but my girlfriend has a very clear problem where she cannot say no to people, especially when said person is "relying" on her. She feels responsible for people, because if something happens then its a mark on her conscious. I've told her how incredibly unhealthy that is because she isn't some mental health specialist, and she has more than enough things on her plate as it is. He would switch between regular small talk, talking about how depressed he was, and how much he missed her + make very uncomfortable intimate remarks.

She kept rejecting his advances. Mentioned multiple times that she had a partner. He backed off maybe once or twice but I believe that once he realized that we were long distance, he started to get bolder. She kept getting wrapped up in his crap and would lose days complaining about him and it was a serious detriment to our relationship that early on. I personally don't think it was fair for either of us to go through that. It was clear that in her ex's mind, she was still his girlfriend and he just had to make up with her. Not to mention, he had known her much longer than I had so he was fully aware of my girlfriend's problem where she couldn't turn away someone who looked like they were in desperate need of help. Whenever she was close to fed up with him and on the verge of blocking him, he would have a conveniently timed breakdown. From my point of view, it's impossible to see that as anything but taking advantage of her. My girlfriend kept saying that she didn't mind, since talking to someone cost her nothing but it was clear that it was stressing her out immensely and that she wasn't expressing it. I was having nightly panic attacks at the thought of it because it made me so deeply uncomfortable.

The breaking point for me was that after his millionth apology and claiming he was finally over her, he asked my girlfriend if they could "still be friends again". Considering how much crap he put both of us through, my girlfriend asked me if that was OK with me. I didn't want to sound like some controlling partner, jealous of their girlfriend's ex, so I said that "that's fine but if he cracks and does what he did before then please block him for good". After all, he was still living across the country so that gave me some form of assurance that he would be kept at arms length.

The very next day he told her he was moving back to their home town. My heart sank. Two days later, he started flirting with her again. After that I completely broke. Mentioning my discomfort, casually asking her why she hadn't blocked him, none of that was going to budge her enough at this point. I basically laid down for 5-6 hours and when she got home from work I broke down in tears begging her to block him. I 100% didn't trust that person to be around her when she had a clear problem of not being able to say "no" to him. She saw how serious I was and how much it hurt me and blocked him after leaving a long message about how much of an ass he was being. I was finally relieved, and all this took place only within the first 2 months of our relationship. Half of our relationship at that point was being strained by this guy.ff

Fast forward two months from then. We were getting a chance to spend time in person after being long distance for 3 months. She mentioned that she cleaned out her contacts in her phone a few days prior, which also unblocks people if they were blocked via your contact list (iphone). Then all of a sudden she gets a text from an unknown number that says "...am I finally unblocked? sweet." and proceeded to ask her... medical questions.

We both were standing there dumbstruck. I was completely baffled. I just mentioned off handedly to not make a big deal "just... don't respond and reblock". I don't know how blocking with messaging works, but my only guess is that they had some application that would check if they were blocked by a number (I don't know if this exists), or they were texting regularly to see if the message went through. Either one was horrifying. It was beyond creepy and I don't know what he hoped to gain by doing that.

But she ended up responding after all. They made casual talk about how he has bipolar disorder and is starting medication. Questions he could have literally looked up online, not message his ex who had him blocked for 2 months. And now, they're on cordial terms. The topic of checking if he was unblocked never came up. They small talk occasionally. She mentions that she doesn't consider him a friend but that he seems to be "normal" now and doesn't act like he did before she had to block her.

Two days ago, we were out at the mall together and she suddenly gets a call from him because he's panicking about some news he heard from her and then they're just on the phone for 15 minutes in front of me while I go sit in a corner away from it all.

I've talked to her about all of this. She's fully aware about how I feel about it all. I feel deeply uncomfortable by him, nothing about him sits well with me. The idea of her being near him makes me anxious because of how little I trust him. And I just can't see a solution, because I don't want to be controlling of her social situation. She's comforted me and told me that it's not going to be like last time. She is also aware of all the things he's done but it feels like she has an easier time shrugging it off since she's known him for longer.

Somethings to help put it into perspective and things that I try to keep in mind through this situation is that my girlfriend is heavily depressed about her social situation in general. She often mentions that she only has one real friend and even then she isn't that close with her. She left all of her social circles for one reason or another and her isolation makes her feel horrible on a regular basis. I understand that and I suppose that the idea of someone locally nearby to have regular small talk conversations with could be appealing.

We talk about how much we love each other on a daily basis and we're very open about things. As you can see, I've already done the recommended action of talking to her about my feelings, and I was promised that things wouldn't be the same this time. I'm just terrified that things are repeating again and that it'll harm our relationship. Is there something else I should be doing? Saying? What should I be telling myself to help myself come to terms with this mess?

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tl;dr: my girlfriend's extremely shady ex who put our relationship through hell only 1 month in is starting to be friends with my girlfriend again and she's not opposed to the idea. i feel like i'm crazy for not liking this. what do i do?

Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:14AM

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this because it has been a lot since day one.​For backstory, I started dating my current girlfriend about a month after she had broken up with her ex. They were dating for 9 months and they considered each other best friends before they started dating. He had moved across the country and essentially ghosted her for "mental health reasons" then broke up with her when confronted. Then they went no contact. I met her, we started clicking really fast and we both admitted that we had crushes on each other and wanted to date. It was pretty fast but I don't regret any bit of it because I just felt like she was the one for me.Then 1 month later, her ex starts messaging her again about how he's been having a really rough time mentally being across the country no friends etc yadda yadda and started heavily hinting about how amazing of a girlfriend she was and how stupid he was to have left that behind. Basically, he was trying to push her to get back together with him (they had broken up once before and had gotten back together shortly after). She was visibly annoyed every single time and would complain but my girlfriend has a very clear problem where she cannot say no to people, especially when said person is "relying" on her. She feels responsible for people, because if something happens then its a mark on her conscious. I've told her how incredibly unhealthy that is because she isn't some mental health specialist, and she has more than enough things on her plate as it is. He would switch between regular small talk, talking about how depressed he was, and how much he missed her + make very uncomfortable intimate remarks.She kept rejecting his advances. Mentioned multiple times that she had a partner. He backed off maybe once or twice but I believe that once he realized that we were long distance, he started to get bolder. She kept getting wrapped up in his crap and would lose days complaining about him and it was a serious detriment to our relationship that early on. I personally don't think it was fair for either of us to go through that. It was clear that in her ex's mind, she was still his girlfriend and he just had to make up with her. Not to mention, he had known her much longer than I had so he was fully aware of my girlfriend's problem where she couldn't turn away someone who looked like they were in desperate need of help. Whenever she was close to fed up with him and on the verge of blocking him, he would have a conveniently timed breakdown. From my point of view, it's impossible to see that as anything but taking advantage of her. My girlfriend kept saying that she didn't mind, since talking to someone cost her nothing but it was clear that it was stressing her out immensely and that she wasn't expressing it. I was having nightly panic attacks at the thought of it because it made me so deeply uncomfortable.The breaking point for me was that after his millionth apology and claiming he was finally over her, he asked my girlfriend if they could "still be friends again". Considering how much crap he put both of us through, my girlfriend asked me if that was OK with me. I didn't want to sound like some controlling partner, jealous of their girlfriend's ex, so I said that "that's fine but if he cracks and does what he did before then please block him for good". After all, he was still living across the country so that gave me some form of assurance that he would be kept at arms length.The very next day he told her he was moving back to their home town. My heart sank. Two days later, he started flirting with her again. After that I completely broke. Mentioning my discomfort, casually asking her why she hadn't blocked him, none of that was going to budge her enough at this point. I basically laid down for 5-6 hours and when she got home from work I broke down in tears begging her to block him. I 100% didn't trust that person to be around her when she had a clear problem of not being able to say "no" to him. She saw how serious I was and how much it hurt me and blocked him after leaving a long message about how much of an ass he was being. I was finally relieved, and all this took place only within the first 2 months of our relationship. Half of our relationship at that point was being strained by this guy.ffFast forward two months from then. We were getting a chance to spend time in person after being long distance for 3 months. She mentioned that she cleaned out her contacts in her phone a few days prior, which also unblocks people if they were blocked via your contact list (iphone). Then all of a sudden she gets a text from an unknown number that says "...am I finally unblocked? sweet." and proceeded to ask her... medical questions.We both were standing there dumbstruck. I was completely baffled. I just mentioned off handedly to not make a big deal "just... don't respond and reblock". I don't know how blocking with messaging works, but my only guess is that they had some application that would check if they were blocked by a number (I don't know if this exists), or they were texting regularly to see if the message went through. Either one was horrifying. It was beyond creepy and I don't know what he hoped to gain by doing that.But she ended up responding after all. They made casual talk about how he has bipolar disorder and is starting medication. Questions he could have literally looked up online, not message his ex who had him blocked for 2 months. And now, they're on cordial terms. The topic of checking if he was unblocked never came up. They small talk occasionally. She mentions that she doesn't consider him a friend but that he seems to be "normal" now and doesn't act like he did before she had to block her.Two days ago, we were out at the mall together and she suddenly gets a call from him because he's panicking about some news he heard from her and then they're just on the phone for 15 minutes in front of me while I go sit in a corner away from it all.I've talked to her about all of this. She's fully aware about how I feel about it all. I feel deeply uncomfortable by him, nothing about him sits well with me. The idea of her being near him makes me anxious because of how little I trust him. And I just can't see a solution, because I don't want to be controlling of her social situation. She's comforted me and told me that it's not going to be like last time. She is also aware of all the things he's done but it feels like she has an easier time shrugging it off since she's known him for longer.Somethings to help put it into perspective and things that I try to keep in mind through this situation is that my girlfriend is heavily depressed about her social situation in general. She often mentions that she only has one real friend and even then she isn't that close with her. She left all of her social circles for one reason or another and her isolation makes her feel horrible on a regular basis. I understand that and I suppose that the idea of someone locally nearby to have regular small talk conversations with could be appealing.We talk about how much we love each other on a daily basis and we're very open about things. As you can see, I've already done the recommended action of talking to her about my feelings, and I was promised that things wouldn't be the same this time. I'm just terrified that things are repeating again and that it'll harm our relationship. Is there something else I should be doing? Saying? What should I be telling myself to help myself come to terms with this mess?​tl;dr: my girlfriend's extremely shady ex who put our relationship through hell only 1 month in is starting to be friends with my girlfriend again and she's not opposed to the idea. i feel like i'm crazy for not liking this. what do i do?