I(25F) don't know what to do about my BFF's(24F) crappy, racist, possibly abusive new BF(25?M) who won't leave me alone

Oookay so, throwaway account in case this dude has reddit, and also my first post here, sorry if it's too long! My friend(24F) and I(25F) have been best friends since we were 12. We went through school together, we've lived together, I spoil her child, we go on our vacations together every year. We are going on vacation together in a few weeks, actually. And she wants to get a place together soon. We are as close as two friends can be and it's been relatively fine until recently. Recently my friend had a bad bad BAD breakup with her husband (they've been dating since they were 13), and dealt with it by jumping headfirst into a relationship with this random dude (25M) that she met through a friend.

​

I wasn't too happy about it, rebound relationships aren't ever really good, but out of respect for her and her wobbly mental state, I kept that to myself and went out to eat with them. Within ten minutes of being in this man's car, he shouted something really racist at a woman crossing the street?? He constantly directed my friend where to go and when while shopping, skipped out on the restaurant (as we were waiting on a table!) and brought us to a friend's house instead where apparently he AND my friend smoked weed with me in the room, without telling me (weed is still very very illegal here. I'd like to not get arrested and my friend knows this. also i didn't know she did weed).

​

When I got home, my friend asked me what I thought of the dude. I told her, truthfully, that I didn't think he was good for her and that behavior like that is often a sign of something dangerous. She laughed and I figured that was the end of it but then the dude TOOK HER PHONE and sent me paragraphs and paragraphs on how he was really a great person, that my questioning his racist comments meant that my politics were ignorant (??), attempted to bait me into debating politics, and said that he would prove to me 'that he was better than the last dude'.

I was just like 'wut' and responded by asking to talk to my friend again and again. Finally she came back and was like 'oops sorry lol he's like that'. I thought it was odd but whatever. Except that this happened so many more times over the next week or so, always on my friend's account so i didn't know if it was her or not at first. I always always just replied 'i'm not talking to you about this', before he finally messaged me via his own account and just, sent a tonnnnnnn of crap and i was in a bad mood and argued with him for a while before i blocked him and BEGGED my friend not to give her phone to the dude anymore. She agreed, apologized for him, and then gave it to him anyway so he could once again tell me how ignorant and bad for my friend I was and how great he was.

​

I flipped out a bit, told my friend that I wasn't going to put up with this any longer as it was basically harassment, and she apologized and for a few weeks it only happened a few more times. Until this morning, when my friend asked (specifically asked) me if a certain thing was why i disliked the dude and I was just like 'nah, i just find him generally insufferable lol' and she handed him the phone and he went OFF.

​

I'm not kidding when i say he writes paragraph after paragraph about how my logic (??) is flawed and twists things like 'i don't even know you i don't have to talk to you please stop' into 'i'm abandoning my friend because i'm being petty about her boyfriend choice', even when i don't answer. He's honestly a bit terrifying but mostly annoying as heck. Finally he was like 'let's all sit down at a restaurant and talk this through like adults, or after the vacation you wont see *friend* ever again because you refuse to talk to me.'

​

This??? Is such a big red flag??? Also, talk what through? I have asked her and him, again and again and again not to (let him) talk to me. I don't like him. End of story. I'm so annoyed with my friend for not, idk, respecting me enough to not let her crappy bf constantly tell me how awful I am despite the fact that I blocked him. She said it was because i keep saying bad things about him and it annoys her so he needs to defend himself but like. I never mention him until and unless she asks me something about him, or he randomly starts yelling at me.

​

Idk. Am I in the wrong here? Should i go to dinner with the idiot man and my bff and listen to him ramble on using 'logic' about how i am wrong and he is 'the best thing to ever happen to my bff'? My friend and I (and not him) are supposed to go on vacation together in a few weeks, everything is paid for, but I cannot stand talking to her atm let alone sharing a hotel with her for a week. And we were making plans to move out together but suddenly she's like 'yeah but *BF* has to be able to visit'. Also, she apparently does hard drugs and drinks a ton now, so yeah, that's new. I don't know what to do.

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TL:DR! My(25F) bff(24F) has a crappy racist new BF(25?M), who will NOT leave me alone, despite my having blocked him, and my friend is ignoring my requests to get him to stop talking to me, telling me that i'm being childish by not just getting along with him. Also, we're headed on vacation soon and supposed to move out together but I don't know if i should do either of those things anymore. Pls advise.



Submitted April 05, 2019 at 09:20PM

Oookay so, throwaway account in case this dude has reddit, and also my first post here, sorry if it's too long! My friend(24F) and I(25F) have been best friends since we were 12. We went through school together, we've lived together, I spoil her child, we go on our vacations together every year. We are going on vacation together in a few weeks, actually. And she wants to get a place together soon. We are as close as two friends can be and it's been relatively fine until recently. Recently my friend had a bad bad BAD breakup with her husband (they've been dating since they were 13), and dealt with it by jumping headfirst into a relationship with this random dude (25M) that she met through a friend.​I wasn't too happy about it, rebound relationships aren't ever really good, but out of respect for her and her wobbly mental state, I kept that to myself and went out to eat with them. Within ten minutes of being in this man's car, he shouted something really racist at a woman crossing the street?? He constantly directed my friend where to go and when while shopping, skipped out on the restaurant (as we were waiting on a table!) and brought us to a friend's house instead where apparently he AND my friend smoked weed with me in the room, without telling me (weed is still very very illegal here. I'd like to not get arrested and my friend knows this. also i didn't know she did weed).​When I got home, my friend asked me what I thought of the dude. I told her, truthfully, that I didn't think he was good for her and that behavior like that is often a sign of something dangerous. She laughed and I figured that was the end of it but then the dude TOOK HER PHONE and sent me paragraphs and paragraphs on how he was really a great person, that my questioning his racist comments meant that my politics were ignorant (??), attempted to bait me into debating politics, and said that he would prove to me 'that he was better than the last dude'.I was just like 'wut' and responded by asking to talk to my friend again and again. Finally she came back and was like 'oops sorry lol he's like that'. I thought it was odd but whatever. Except that this happened so many more times over the next week or so, always on my friend's account so i didn't know if it was her or not at first. I always always just replied 'i'm not talking to you about this', before he finally messaged me via his own account and just, sent a tonnnnnnn of crap and i was in a bad mood and argued with him for a while before i blocked him and BEGGED my friend not to give her phone to the dude anymore. She agreed, apologized for him, and then gave it to him anyway so he could once again tell me how ignorant and bad for my friend I was and how great he was.​I flipped out a bit, told my friend that I wasn't going to put up with this any longer as it was basically harassment, and she apologized and for a few weeks it only happened a few more times. Until this morning, when my friend asked (specifically asked) me if a certain thing was why i disliked the dude and I was just like 'nah, i just find him generally insufferable lol' and she handed him the phone and he went OFF.​I'm not kidding when i say he writes paragraph after paragraph about how my logic (??) is flawed and twists things like 'i don't even know you i don't have to talk to you please stop' into 'i'm abandoning my friend because i'm being petty about her boyfriend choice', even when i don't answer. He's honestly a bit terrifying but mostly annoying as heck. Finally he was like 'let's all sit down at a restaurant and talk this through like adults, or after the vacation you wont see *friend* ever again because you refuse to talk to me.'​This??? Is such a big red flag??? Also, talk what through? I have asked her and him, again and again and again not to (let him) talk to me. I don't like him. End of story. I'm so annoyed with my friend for not, idk, respecting me enough to not let her crappy bf constantly tell me how awful I am despite the fact that I blocked him. She said it was because i keep saying bad things about him and it annoys her so he needs to defend himself but like. I never mention him until and unless she asks me something about him, or he randomly starts yelling at me.​Idk. Am I in the wrong here? Should i go to dinner with the idiot man and my bff and listen to him ramble on using 'logic' about how i am wrong and he is 'the best thing to ever happen to my bff'? My friend and I (and not him) are supposed to go on vacation together in a few weeks, everything is paid for, but I cannot stand talking to her atm let alone sharing a hotel with her for a week. And we were making plans to move out together but suddenly she's like 'yeah but *BF* has to be able to visit'. Also, she apparently does hard drugs and drinks a ton now, so yeah, that's new. I don't know what to do.​TL:DR! My(25F) bff(24F) has a crappy racist new BF(25?M), who will NOT leave me alone, despite my having blocked him, and my friend is ignoring my requests to get him to stop talking to me, telling me that i'm being childish by not just getting along with him. Also, we're headed on vacation soon and supposed to move out together but I don't know if i should do either of those things anymore. Pls advise.
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