I (34M) was deeply hurt by my wife (33F) and have been trying to rebuild my marriage after that, but I can't forget the past

I'll do my best to be brief. Also, in case the title may be misleading, there is no cheating involved.

About four years ago, I was deeply hurt by my wife.

She lost her job a year before that and she wasn't actively looking for a new one. Because of that, I was the only source of income of the house and fuck the company I was not at a good situation. Because of that, I was working long hours on a very stressful enviroment. I dreamed of quitting so I could find a better job, but with her jobless, I simply counld't do that. Even applying to a new one was tricky because I could end up on an even worse place, or on a less stable job.

This stressful enviroment a new management position made me overwork more than I ever did in my life. I was always above weight, I went full obese. I gained lots of weight, blood pressure was going up and my blood tests were showing pretty messy results.

I decided to put my life in first place and did a huge change in my lifestyle. I manage to change the company I worked at from within (it's a small one, so it was not that big of a deal), giving more time flexibility to everyone while improving productivity. That gave me the chance of going to the gym, biking everyday to work and start a weightloss journey.

That was a BIG moment in my life, but time was still short. My wife was never the most organized person, but she became very apathetic at that moment. She didn't do her house chores, even tough she was the one not working. She did not take care of our two cats. She did not cook. She basically watched Netflix, ate at restaurants and kept visting old friends and family while I worked and ran the house.

So I asked for her help. Things were not good, since I was working, doing all the chores and being the person who paid all bills. She wouldn't even pay the bills themselves using our bank mobile app, she would ask me to do so. At some point, I told her I couldn't be the only person doing everything in our house. I asked her for help, told her I needed help cooking, doing basic house chores, taking care of problems.

Believe me, I'm not one of those guy who think their wives should do all the chores and cook. But I was overwhelmed, doing everything by myself and trying to maintain a healthy exercise routine.

She didn't help me. She would always say she would, do something for a day or two, then go back to the old routine. I felt lonely and angry. And, honestly, that angered actually boosted me. I wanted to show her that, if she was not going to help me, I'd show her I could pull that off by myself.

And I did. I lost over 100 lbs, gained muscle mass (my body transformation was actually featured in some subs), all the while taking care of the house and working.

At some point, I told her how hurt I was with her behaviour and told her I was considering a divorce. She panicked, cried, admited she was wrong and started taking baby steps towards new behaviours.

But that was two years ago. And those baby steps are still far from the ideal.

If I did 95% of the house chores back then, now I do 70%. If now she's employed, she's bein reckless with her money to the point that she decided to break and discard her own credit cards.

All those things wore me off. I fell tired. I don't want to end the relationship, but at the same time I don't feel the energy to rebuild it. I feel numb, lost. It is as if I've gotten used to live on an unhappy and unfair marriage. My sex drive for her plummeted. Sometimes I'm glad she has to travel for work, since I have time to stay on my own.

Lots of insecurities at play here too. I feel like I'm too old to find someone and run a family, and man, I really want to be a father and have kids. But I just feel that, if I do that with her, I'll just be stuck with a person unfit and irresponsbile to be a good parent.

I also feel insecure about myself. Being overweight for most of your life plays tricks on your mind. I know that, ever since I lost weight and gained muscle, I am attractive. Woman try to flirt with me at random in the street, female co-workers keep telling me how their friends ask them for my number. But somehow my mind tells me I won't find someone else, it keeps telling me that this is it and I should just stay married.

And I'm afraid of divorce. Coming from a not-conservative-but-very-traditional family, there has never been any divorces in your family for generations. None of my first degree cousins got divorced. The only person that comes to mind is my grandmother's brother, who was married many times (and was a well-known womanizer). The very word "divorced" feels almost too strong, cursed.

I don't know how to overcome this, how to love my wife the way I did when we married and in our first three years together. The responsible and caring woman I married with turned into something completely different over the years and I don't know if I love the person she is now.

That's why I ask you: did any of you overcome a situation like that? Is a relationship like that able to be rebuilt?

TLDR: marriage was very good at the first years, wife lost job, did no house chores and got very irresponsible while I had to go through a lot at work and with my health/lifestyle change. I've been trying to rebuild our marriage ever since, but I don't feel like I love her anymore and don't have the strenght to go on. But I'm also insecure and afraid of divorce.

Submitted April 05, 2019 at 08:42PM

I'll do my best to be brief. Also, in case the title may be misleading, there is no cheating involved.About four years ago, I was deeply hurt by my wife.She lost her job a year before that and she wasn't actively looking for a new one. Because of that, I was the only source of income of the house and fuck the company I was not at a good situation. Because of that, I was working long hours on a very stressful enviroment. I dreamed of quitting so I could find a better job, but with her jobless, I simply counld't do that. Even applying to a new one was tricky because I could end up on an even worse place, or on a less stable job.This stressful enviroment a new management position made me overwork more than I ever did in my life. I was always above weight, I went full obese. I gained lots of weight, blood pressure was going up and my blood tests were showing pretty messy results.I decided to put my life in first place and did a huge change in my lifestyle. I manage to change the company I worked at from within (it's a small one, so it was not that big of a deal), giving more time flexibility to everyone while improving productivity. That gave me the chance of going to the gym, biking everyday to work and start a weightloss journey.That was a BIG moment in my life, but time was still short. My wife was never the most organized person, but she became very apathetic at that moment. She didn't do her house chores, even tough she was the one not working. She did not take care of our two cats. She did not cook. She basically watched Netflix, ate at restaurants and kept visting old friends and family while I worked and ran the house.So I asked for her help. Things were not good, since I was working, doing all the chores and being the person who paid all bills. She wouldn't even pay the bills themselves using our bank mobile app, she would ask me to do so. At some point, I told her I couldn't be the only person doing everything in our house. I asked her for help, told her I needed help cooking, doing basic house chores, taking care of problems.Believe me, I'm not one of those guy who think their wives should do all the chores and cook. But I was overwhelmed, doing everything by myself and trying to maintain a healthy exercise routine.She didn't help me. She would always say she would, do something for a day or two, then go back to the old routine. I felt lonely and angry. And, honestly, that angered actually boosted me. I wanted to show her that, if she was not going to help me, I'd show her I could pull that off by myself.And I did. I lost over 100 lbs, gained muscle mass (my body transformation was actually featured in some subs), all the while taking care of the house and working.At some point, I told her how hurt I was with her behaviour and told her I was considering a divorce. She panicked, cried, admited she was wrong and started taking baby steps towards new behaviours.But that was two years ago. And those baby steps are still far from the ideal.If I did 95% of the house chores back then, now I do 70%. If now she's employed, she's bein reckless with her money to the point that she decided to break and discard her own credit cards.All those things wore me off. I fell tired. I don't want to end the relationship, but at the same time I don't feel the energy to rebuild it. I feel numb, lost. It is as if I've gotten used to live on an unhappy and unfair marriage. My sex drive for her plummeted. Sometimes I'm glad she has to travel for work, since I have time to stay on my own.Lots of insecurities at play here too. I feel like I'm too old to find someone and run a family, and man, I really want to be a father and have kids. But I just feel that, if I do that with her, I'll just be stuck with a person unfit and irresponsbile to be a good parent.I also feel insecure about myself. Being overweight for most of your life plays tricks on your mind. I know that, ever since I lost weight and gained muscle, I am attractive. Woman try to flirt with me at random in the street, female co-workers keep telling me how their friends ask them for my number. But somehow my mind tells me I won't find someone else, it keeps telling me that this is it and I should just stay married.And I'm afraid of divorce. Coming from a not-conservative-but-very-traditional family, there has never been any divorces in your family for generations. None of my first degree cousins got divorced. The only person that comes to mind is my grandmother's brother, who was married many times (and was a well-known womanizer). The very word "divorced" feels almost too strong, cursed.I don't know how to overcome this, how to love my wife the way I did when we married and in our first three years together. The responsible and caring woman I married with turned into something completely different over the years and I don't know if I love the person she is now.That's why I ask you: did any of you overcome a situation like that? Is a relationship like that able to be rebuilt?TLDR: marriage was very good at the first years, wife lost job, did no house chores and got very irresponsible while I had to go through a lot at work and with my health/lifestyle change. I've been trying to rebuild our marriage ever since, but I don't feel like I love her anymore and don't have the strenght to go on. But I'm also insecure and afraid of divorce.