Do I [20sF] stay with him [20sM] because he's trying? [8 months] [long]

Hey everyone,

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I'm so sorry this is so long. Maybe I'll get it published someday (just kidding). It could be I just need to write this down somewhere. But I would love, love, love some advice.

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Thanks so much for reading this.

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June: HOOK-UP

• We meet on a dating app and start hooking up.
• No issues, aside from when I thought I was getting serious with someone and told him I would like to remain friends. He told me he can't transition from a physical to platonic relationship easily.
• I rapidly realized the other person was horrible for me, left that shitshow, and asked now-bf if we wanted to link up again. He was down.
• We're exclusive by September.
• He needed to relocate in October.

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October: BACKSTORY

• Before going into an LDR with me, requested an open relationship. That day, he messaged his ex. I told him I wasn't down for an open relationship--just us or nothing. He was 100% down, told me he was a big monogamy guy, though he thought long-distance would be hard.
• Then, while visiting me a few weeks later, he hid texts from his ex.
• After I pointed out he was hiding them (I didn't read them), he told me that his interaction with her was:
  • Unhealthy
  • One-sided (she kept reaching out to him whenever she was anxious and needed emotional support, not vice versa)
  • ...and so he offered to block her. I agreed. He promised.
• Three days later, I asked if he blocked her.
• He asked for more time.
• Didn't tell me when he was talking with her (they had apparently been talking throughout the week).
• Tried to negotiate a compromise where they would unfollow each other on Snapchat and Spotify, but still follow each other on Insta and Facebook.
• I said I was still uncomfortable, because that wasn't blocking:
  • I told him that the amount of pushback he was getting from her, enough to enter into conflict with me and push back against how I feel, worried me. I told him it didn't sound she was over him. He told me it had been three years since they broke up.
  • He told me he was trying to convince her it was for her own good, and I thought that was a bad idea:
    • I said, "It's not for her own good, it's for the health of our relationship. She needs to respect that and know it's not personal. The fact that she's taking it personally and is unable to respect our relationship like this is worrying me. This does not seem like a platonic dynamic. And you keep giving her excuses for her behavior."
  • He told me she was hoping she could talk with him again after she was with someone serious.
    • I said, "It doesn't seem problematic to you that she would continue to rely on you for emotional support and plan for that in advance of a serious relationship? You're hurting her more by dragging this on and pretending it's for her own good. Three years ago, if no-contact had happened, this conversation wouldn't be happening, and you wouldn't be worried about her anxiety. But that's not the case."
• After all this, he said he finally did block her. I asked to see the proof of it in the texts. He said they spoke on the phone, but offered texts where she was gauging the possibility of them getting back together:
  • "Ok just curious also if I wanted us to get back together you still wouldn't be interested now?"
  • He responded, "lol that's a really unfair question to ask me. You can't say stuff like that."
  • "How so?"
  • He said, "and told you I moved on."
  • She said, "Right so the answer is no correct? I'm not trying to manipulate you."
• He told me he couldn't show me the full conversation because parts of it were very private. He also told me he was going to delete the conversation later so he wouldn't have her number in his phone anymore.
• I confirmed with him: "So there's no way she can contact you now, right?"
  • Him: "Nope, I blocked her emails too."

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December: "I LOVE YOU"

• Before returning home after a visit, I tell him I love him. He hugs me and says he doesn't feel the same way yet. I'm sad, but I understand.

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March: NOOOO :(

• Still no L-word. This would have been fine, except:
• He passed me his phone and asked me to message a friend of his. I looked for the friend in his messages but couldn't find him. But I did find someone in his messages with the same goodbye message as the ones he had shown me in the screenshot. Their notifs were muted, too. I was suspicious and took a look.
• I'm sure no one's surprised to find out that this person was his ex, renamed in his phone to an alias.
  • He told her we hadn't kissed.
  • He told her we hadn't even gone on one date.
  • He told her he didn't think we were going to work out.
  • He told her he thought it was wrong to have her in this thoughts while he was dating, and that's why he needed some room.
  • Nothing new since then.
• I confronted him later that evening and asked him if there was anything else he was hiding from me.
  • He told me he didn't feel a "spark" (which he described not as honeymoon butterflies, but as a feeling of longing/yearning) with me.
  • But he still wanted to stay with me. He was sure he was going to feel the spark soon.

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Now: REMEDIATION

• He promised he would go to counseling; he started.
• He blocked her and deleted her on every medium I could think of, and gave me proof.
• He says I can talk with him anytime about my insecurities, and he completely understands that old stuff is going to come up, and I can talk with him anytime.
• He realizes that what he did was shitty.
• He bought me my flight home so I could get some space.
• He told me he cares about me a lot, he just doesn't feel that spark yet. Well, he feels it sometimes, but not all the time.
• He reassured me, saying I'm not a backup. He was kind of chuckling in disbelief at that notion.

​

I reread all those old messages about an hour ago and I just can't believe the extent to which he lied to me. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel this "spark" yet still gets to me.

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Thanks so, so much for getting this far!

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Tl;dr: He hid texts from his ex in October, took a week and a lot of pushback to block her. I found out in March that he actually didn't block her, just renamed her in his phone, and that he presented himself as single to her. He also told me that he doesn't feel a "spark" with me, and hasn't reciprocated my "I love you" yet. He has since been working pretty hard to repair the relationship. What do you think? Do I stick it out?

Submitted April 05, 2019 at 08:28PM

Hey everyone,​I'm so sorry this is so long. Maybe I'll get it published someday (just kidding). It could be I just need to write this down somewhere. But I would love, love, love some advice.​Thanks so much for reading this.​June: HOOK-UPWe meet on a dating app and start hooking up.No issues, aside from when I thought I was getting serious with someone and told him I would like to remain friends. He told me he can't transition from a physical to platonic relationship easily.I rapidly realized the other person was horrible for me, left that shitshow, and asked now-bf if we wanted to link up again. He was down.We're exclusive by September.He needed to relocate in October.​October: BACKSTORYBefore going into an LDR with me, requested an open relationship. That day, he messaged his ex. I told him I wasn't down for an open relationship--just us or nothing. He was 100% down, told me he was a big monogamy guy, though he thought long-distance would be hard.Then, while visiting me a few weeks later, he hid texts from his ex.After I pointed out he was hiding them (I didn't read them), he told me that his interaction with her was:UnhealthyOne-sided (she kept reaching out to him whenever she was anxious and needed emotional support, not vice versa)...and so he offered to block her. I agreed. He promised.Three days later, I asked if he blocked her.He asked for more time.Didn't tell me when he was talking with her (they had apparently been talking throughout the week).Tried to negotiate a compromise where they would unfollow each other on Snapchat and Spotify, but still follow each other on Insta and Facebook.I said I was still uncomfortable, because that wasn't blocking:I told him that the amount of pushback he was getting from her, enough to enter into conflict with me and push back against how I feel, worried me. I told him it didn't sound she was over him. He told me it had been three years since they broke up.He told me he was trying to convince her it was for her own good, and I thought that was a bad idea:I said, "It's not for her own good, it's for the health of our relationship. She needs to respect that and know it's not personal. The fact that she's taking it personally and is unable to respect our relationship like this is worrying me. This does not seem like a platonic dynamic. And you keep giving her excuses for her behavior."He told me she was hoping she could talk with him again after she was with someone serious.I said, "It doesn't seem problematic to you that she would continue to rely on you for emotional support and plan for that in advance of a serious relationship? You're hurting her more by dragging this on and pretending it's for her own good. Three years ago, if no-contact had happened, this conversation wouldn't be happening, and you wouldn't be worried about her anxiety. But that's not the case."After all this, he said he finally did block her. I asked to see the proof of it in the texts. He said they spoke on the phone, but offered texts where she was gauging the possibility of them getting back together:"Ok just curious also if I wanted us to get back together you still wouldn't be interested now?"He responded, "lol that's a really unfair question to ask me. You can't say stuff like that.""How so?"He said, "and told you I moved on."She said, "Right so the answer is no correct? I'm not trying to manipulate you."He told me he couldn't show me the full conversation because parts of it were very private. He also told me he was going to delete the conversation later so he wouldn't have her number in his phone anymore.I confirmed with him: "So there's no way she can contact you now, right?"Him: "Nope, I blocked her emails too."​December: "I LOVE YOU"Before returning home after a visit, I tell him I love him. He hugs me and says he doesn't feel the same way yet. I'm sad, but I understand.​March: NOOOO :(Still no L-word. This would have been fine, except:He passed me his phone and asked me to message a friend of his. I looked for the friend in his messages but couldn't find him. But I did find someone in his messages with the same goodbye message as the ones he had shown me in the screenshot. Their notifs were muted, too. I was suspicious and took a look.I'm sure no one's surprised to find out that this person was his ex, renamed in his phone to an alias.He told her we hadn't kissed.He told her we hadn't even gone on one date.He told her he didn't think we were going to work out.He told her he thought it was wrong to have her in this thoughts while he was dating, and that's why he needed some room.Nothing new since then.I confronted him later that evening and asked him if there was anything else he was hiding from me.He told me he didn't feel a "spark" (which he described not as honeymoon butterflies, but as a feeling of longing/yearning) with me.But he still wanted to stay with me. He was sure he was going to feel the spark soon.​Now: REMEDIATIONHe promised he would go to counseling; he started.He blocked her and deleted her on every medium I could think of, and gave me proof.He says I can talk with him anytime about my insecurities, and he completely understands that old stuff is going to come up, and I can talk with him anytime.He realizes that what he did was shitty.He bought me my flight home so I could get some space.He told me he cares about me a lot, he just doesn't feel that spark yet. Well, he feels it sometimes, but not all the time.He reassured me, saying I'm not a backup. He was kind of chuckling in disbelief at that notion.​I reread all those old messages about an hour ago and I just can't believe the extent to which he lied to me. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel this "spark" yet still gets to me.​Thanks so, so much for getting this far!​Tl;dr: He hid texts from his ex in October, took a week and a lot of pushback to block her. I found out in March that he actually didn't block her, just renamed her in his phone, and that he presented himself as single to her. He also told me that he doesn't feel a "spark" with me, and hasn't reciprocated my "I love you" yet. He has since been working pretty hard to repair the relationship. What do you think? Do I stick it out?