I'm [26F] considering letting the relationship with my best friend [26F] [20 years] just fizzle out

I’ve known my best friend Sarah for over 20 years. We’re both 26F. We met in preschool and have been in contact ever since. We have seen each other less since I’ve moved about an hour’s drive away from our hometown which was about 3.5 years ago.

Since then, I feel she’s been making not that much effort to see me. She’s visited me 4-5 times max since I live here. It has always been me explicitly inviting her, never “Hey, I’d love to see you again! When are you free?”

Admittedly, I’ve never driven back for her specifically but in the past, I made a point to set aside time (half a day or even a whole day) for her when I visit my parents in my hometown.

She’s been very busy studying and working two part-time jobs these past years, so she often declined when I offered to meet up for coffee because it was exam season or she had to prepare a presentation or study for a test. I get it, I work 45 hours a week and commuting adds another 10 hours on top of that. I’m glad for every day I don’t have to put on pants. But I’ve mostly stopped telling her when I would be in town since I felt I had been shot down so often.

We were still texting a lot, though.

​

Then, at the beginning of this March, I suffered a deep vein thrombosis. According to all doctors, this thing is absolutely massive. My whole leg and a big part of my abdomen were closed up. I’m not a native English speaker so I don’t know the appropriate medical terms but the sonographer’s words were verbatim “It almost goes up to your heart”. During the sonography, they also found a tumor on my liver.

I was legitimately afraid I’d never leave the hospital again. I was sure I’d get a pulmonary embolism and die. Or that the tumor would kill me. I broke down crying about once a day because walking to the bathroom hurt. so. much.

​

My parents visited me every day after work, borrowed a wheelchair and wheeled me down to the hospital’s café just so I could see something other than my hospital room. Walking on my own was impossible. My boyfriend and his parents also visited me every day for at least a few minutes.

A good friend offered to visit. I declined because I didn’t want her to have to make the two hours’ drive. A different friend who lives in another country sent me a package with chocolate and a bunch of crossword puzzles (I cried).

Sarah didn’t even offer to visit. Her uni/workplace are about half of the distance between us, so it would have only taken her about half an hour to drive from there.

​

At first, I was only a bit disappointed but I understood. She was probably very stressed again. Also, hospitals are strange, sad places. I get that it’s not really a place where you want to spend your sweatpants time.

I was in the hospital for 9 miserable days. The last day, they did another sonograph and determined the tumor on my liver to be benign (yay).

During the drive home, I received a message from Sarah.“I feel really bad that I didn’t visit you.”I messaged back that it was okay and she could always visit me at home. She replied that she would, for sure.

​

I was home sick for the rest of March, so about another two weeks. Relearning how to walk, going to different doctor’s appointments, crying my eyes out because live is unfair, that kind of stuff.

On the last day of March, she messaged me: “Are you going back to work tomorrow?”

I replied that yes, I would be working again.

“Oh well, I would’ve been at uni anyway and could have driven over to visit you.”

I don’t even know what I felt at that moment. I guess it was a combination of disappointed and infuriated.

She’d had 4 weeks where she’d had the chance to visit me. Where I would have wanted her to visit. There was a real chance I could have died from this, for fuck’s sake.

​

I’m not sure if I should have told her I wanted her there. At the moment, I didn’t tell her that because I didn’t want to stress her out more, but later I found out she had at least had enough free time to visit some new guy a few times.

Contact between us has been very low since then. At first because I didn’t want to explode in anger on her. Then because it felt awkward just messaging again out of the blue. Now I'm just mad.

Her last message was last Sunday (it’s Friday now) about something trivial but I haven’t replied.

​

I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I’m owed an apology and I feel she should know that. Should I contact her and tell her what I feel? To be honest, I don’t really want to, because then it would just be me being the only one making an effort again. I feel like a footnote in her life.

Am I too proud here? Is it stupid to throw such a long relationship away for such a minor thing? Would it have been my duty to be like "You could come over at X day" when I was at home?

Please tell me your thoughts and tear me a new one if I deserve it. Thanks.

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TL;DR I was really sick for three weeks and my best friend didn’t even offer to see me in the hospital. Am I overreacting by freezing her out? It's been 6 weeks and I'm still mad.

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 06:57AM

I’ve known my best friend Sarah for over 20 years. We’re both 26F. We met in preschool and have been in contact ever since. We have seen each other less since I’ve moved about an hour’s drive away from our hometown which was about 3.5 years ago.Since then, I feel she’s been making not that much effort to see me. She’s visited me 4-5 times max since I live here. It has always been me explicitly inviting her, never “Hey, I’d love to see you again! When are you free?”Admittedly, I’ve never driven back for her specifically but in the past, I made a point to set aside time (half a day or even a whole day) for her when I visit my parents in my hometown.She’s been very busy studying and working two part-time jobs these past years, so she often declined when I offered to meet up for coffee because it was exam season or she had to prepare a presentation or study for a test. I get it, I work 45 hours a week and commuting adds another 10 hours on top of that. I’m glad for every day I don’t have to put on pants. But I’ve mostly stopped telling her when I would be in town since I felt I had been shot down so often.We were still texting a lot, though.​Then, at the beginning of this March, I suffered a deep vein thrombosis. According to all doctors, this thing is absolutely massive. My whole leg and a big part of my abdomen were closed up. I’m not a native English speaker so I don’t know the appropriate medical terms but the sonographer’s words were verbatim “It almost goes up to your heart”. During the sonography, they also found a tumor on my liver.I was legitimately afraid I’d never leave the hospital again. I was sure I’d get a pulmonary embolism and die. Or that the tumor would kill me. I broke down crying about once a day because walking to the bathroom hurt. so. much.​My parents visited me every day after work, borrowed a wheelchair and wheeled me down to the hospital’s café just so I could see something other than my hospital room. Walking on my own was impossible. My boyfriend and his parents also visited me every day for at least a few minutes.A good friend offered to visit. I declined because I didn’t want her to have to make the two hours’ drive. A different friend who lives in another country sent me a package with chocolate and a bunch of crossword puzzles (I cried).Sarah didn’t even offer to visit. Her uni/workplace are about half of the distance between us, so it would have only taken her about half an hour to drive from there.​At first, I was only a bit disappointed but I understood. She was probably very stressed again. Also, hospitals are strange, sad places. I get that it’s not really a place where you want to spend your sweatpants time.I was in the hospital for 9 miserable days. The last day, they did another sonograph and determined the tumor on my liver to be benign (yay).During the drive home, I received a message from Sarah.“I feel really bad that I didn’t visit you.”I messaged back that it was okay and she could always visit me at home. She replied that she would, for sure.​I was home sick for the rest of March, so about another two weeks. Relearning how to walk, going to different doctor’s appointments, crying my eyes out because live is unfair, that kind of stuff.On the last day of March, she messaged me: “Are you going back to work tomorrow?”I replied that yes, I would be working again.“Oh well, I would’ve been at uni anyway and could have driven over to visit you.”I don’t even know what I felt at that moment. I guess it was a combination of disappointed and infuriated.She’d had 4 weeks where she’d had the chance to visit me. Where I would have wanted her to visit. There was a real chance I could have died from this, for fuck’s sake.​I’m not sure if I should have told her I wanted her there. At the moment, I didn’t tell her that because I didn’t want to stress her out more, but later I found out she had at least had enough free time to visit some new guy a few times.Contact between us has been very low since then. At first because I didn’t want to explode in anger on her. Then because it felt awkward just messaging again out of the blue. Now I'm just mad.Her last message was last Sunday (it’s Friday now) about something trivial but I haven’t replied.​I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I’m owed an apology and I feel she should know that. Should I contact her and tell her what I feel? To be honest, I don’t really want to, because then it would just be me being the only one making an effort again. I feel like a footnote in her life.Am I too proud here? Is it stupid to throw such a long relationship away for such a minor thing? Would it have been my duty to be like "You could come over at X day" when I was at home?Please tell me your thoughts and tear me a new one if I deserve it. Thanks.​TL;DR I was really sick for three weeks and my best friend didn’t even offer to see me in the hospital. Am I overreacting by freezing her out? It's been 6 weeks and I'm still mad.