Should I move on? [23M;21F] 4 1/2 years

*TL;DR; : My girlfriend and I broke up a while ago, she plays mind games with me, which is why I can't get over her and move on. What do I do?**. 

I have never posted to this platform before so give me a break about my ignorance.

Super long and detailed. Give it to me straight, what the fuck do I do?

I am stuck between moving on from my ex and holding on to the thought of being together again and I will tell you all why.

We will call my ex Sarah. Sarah and I started dating in high school. We dated for approximately 2 years throughout high school and college. After high school graduation, I moved a couple of hours away from home for college and she stayed at a local university at home. I would make a trip home at least 2 or 3 times a month for the weekend to see her and be with her. We had the best relationship, so I thought. Me and Sarah are like literally the same person, we have the same interests, same hobbies, we could talk about anything. She was literally my best friend. I know we were younger at the time so that may have played a big part into why this relationship went down hill. Background knowledge**- I have learned that I have trust issues and I believe that is a major reason to why we cut things off. With me being away from home, not seeing each other that often, I guess you could say I was trying to control her from being away. I would get pissed at things like her not replying to my texts when she was out with friends, I would always question who she was with and if there were other guys with her. *She is a very attractive woman*. I would be upset with her if she was with other guys, because being a douchebag myself in high school, I always thought that all guys would just want to get into her pants regardless of her relationship status and that bothered me. I now realize after we broke up, that I was controlling and didn't "trust" her to being loyal to me. I agree that I was being selfish and just a bad person to be with but by the time I realized this, it was too late.

From the beginning of our relationship Sarah asked me to share my location with her at all times and I was fine with that because I would never cheat on her or even consider it. I was serious about Sarah and so I shared my location and she shared hers with me. Friday/Saturdays nights when 4-5 hours would pass without getting a reply from Sarah while she is posting numerous snapchat's out and about having fun. Yes, I was controlling but if all she would do is reply every once in a while I would be okay as it would take the worst case scenario's out of my head.

When we broke up, it was not a clean-cut break up. She insisted, "she does not want to break up completely, just take a break from each other". Obviously, I did not want this but if this is what it took to save our relationship I was all for it. The last couple weeks leading up to this "break" we were arguing a bunch so I get why it happened. After talking to some of my guy friends from college and some close girl-friends that went to the same college but I knew from home and actually longer than Sarah, they all basically told me that a "break" is not a good thing, its practically over. So me being the dumbass that I am broke the "break" rules and made a spontaneous trip back home to surprise Sarah. Once, I pulled up to her house, I called her and told her I was here. She was confused at first and then realized I was in front of her house. She came out and asked me what I was doing and this isn't what a break is. I came home to talk things out in person as I hate discussing stuff like this over the phone. I figured it would be a pleasant surprise, but I was wrong. After about a week of being on this break, me trying to fix things multiple times, Sarah calls me after midnight crying, saying "idk how to do this, I don't want to, blah blah blah but its officially over". I was devastated but I knew I couldn't change anything that night so I temporarily accepted it dreadfully. After a few days, I tried messaging her again and nothing in return and that is when I knew it was over.

Fast forward a couple of months, it is summer break, I am back home. I transferred universities to one at home. Somehow we get in contact again, can't remember how or why exactly and we ended up hanging out. When we hangout that night, it felt as if we were never broken up. We laughed at the same silly things we did before, we did the same activities. All those feelings I had buried down for Sarah, quickly resurfaced after that one night of hanging out. That night I took a leap, and asked what her thoughts were on getting back together. She basically beat around the bush and mentioned she sees it in the future just not at the moment, I was happy with that answer and left it at that. Some more time goes by and we hangout again, same thing as the last time. Hangout, laughed, ate, etc. hungout at her house and I noticed some random out of state phone number was messaging her the whole night. I dug around and found out who it was and asked her about it. She insisted it was nothing, they just talk. That low-key killed me inside but I had no right to say anything. A couple months pass and the same guy that was texting her is now in my town, several hours away from his, and is on her snapchat story. This is where my stomach turned inside out as I still loved Sarah and told me we would get back together but now she is dating some dude out of state. I was heart broken but nothing I could do, I sucked it up and said "fu*k it".

Some more months pass, and I am throwing a New Years Eve party on my ranch. Outdoors, huge, tons of alcohol, hired a Dj, most kick ass party. I was good friends with Sarah's brother, "Matt", even after everything between me and Sarah. I had no problem with Matt being there and then a few hours into the party, Matt approaches me and asks if it was cool if Sarah stopped by? And I flat out told him, that is fine as long as she doesn't bring her out-of-state boyfriend and he said he's not, so fine she can come. Sarah shows up and it is a little awkward between us, but nothing serious. We said hello to each other and partied on. The past 2 years, me and Sarah, always went out together for NYE and kissed at midnight. Well, midnight comes around, the Dj stops the music and we set off tons of fireworks and had a toast. Sarah comes up to me, and us both being tipsy, we started making out. Everyone around us is cheering and smiling. I was the happiest man at the party at that point. Party goes on as normal, by 3-4am people start to head home and she is passed out on the chair. I wake her up and tell her to go to my room, let me escort my guests off my property, pay the Dj and then ill drive her home. I go into my bed, she is dead asleep, at least I thought she was. As I try to wake her up to take her home she refuses to leave and wants to stay with me, I did not argue I let her stay and we hooked up that night just like the previous years. Keep in mind, at the time she was still talking/dating to the out-of-state guy. The next morning, we wake up, look at each other and smile. we chat for a bit in bed and her friends call her to go to brunch and that is when she invited me to come along so I did. We talked for 3-4 days after that, then she hits me with "I am so sorry but I just can't do this to Steve" (We'll say Steve is her out-of-state boyfriend). I thought the first heart brake hurt but this topped it. I couldn't stop thinking to myself, "Can't do this to Steve? that you've known for 3-4 months, what about me???". I told myself its not worth it and moved on. A couple months go by again, no contact between us.

Sarah went to the lake with a couple of her friends and somehow found out that Steve had a whole different girlfriend in his home state that he was planning to propose to. Sarah then told her friends in the car that she didn't care, he was never really her boyfriend, she doesn't care, she is going to marry me. My source to this: her friends from the lake, which I am also friends with.

After months of not talking, Sarah calls me and asks if I am home, I say yes. She tells me to come outside, so I do and she hands me an invitation to her grad party???? WHY INVITE ME. I attend the party because yes, I was still sure I loved her at this point and wanted to be there for her. After the party, no contact once again.

I get drunk one night and text Sarah if there could be a second chance between us. She again tells me, yes just not right now.

More months pass we somehow get in contact yet again, talk for a week or so, hanging out every day. I ask her about getting back together and she says "I don't want to be in a relationship right now I need to focus on school".

The year before this I went to Australia for my first time, we were broken up at the time I went. As we were getting ice cream one night she brings up how she would like to go to Australia really bad. (That was one of the things we always talked about while we were together was traveling to Australia together). I have a lot of close family in Australia so it is really easy for me to travel to that side of the world, so I jokingly said hey we should go over winter break from school since in Australia it would be summer and she was down and I thought this would be the chance to accomplish one of the big things we talked about while we were together and could possibly lead to us getting back together. She was all for it and instantly started looking at flights and prices for a couple days and we never made legit plans. I was down for whenever she wanted to go, regardless of the cost as I was done with school and had time and money. Days/weeks pass on this topic and we stop talking once again. She doesn't reply to texts, snaps, anything so I got pissed and said fuck it, fuck you and bought a ticket for myself to go to Australia while she was on winter break. I made sure to post about it every where that she would see that I am going again. After weeks of not talking to me, she has the audacity to swipe up on my story and say "so were not going together?" I just thought LMAO no.

I go to Australia for 5 weeks, come back, happy as can be as I was just at the beach in 105 degree weather while in the states it was 10 degrees lol

Living my life as normal, Sarah isn't even on my mind anymore. Sarah randomly swipes up on my story that I posted a picture of my mother for her birthday and writes, "My Jessica <3". Jessica is my mom.

I make plans with one of our mutual friends to go out to a bar, Sarah calls mutual friend and finds out we are hanging out and insists to join so here she comes.

I start talking to a new girl and she finds out about it, then starts shit between me and this new girl which leads the new girl to leave.

I hang out with mutual friend again, Sarah joins again without my knowledge. Sarah drove that night, as she dropped me off at my car, we make out. No contact after that.

I randomly will send her a snap, she opens it no reply. I post something on my story couple days later she swipes up and says something.

Sarah was not for sex before marriage which I respected as I loved her for her not sex. So took very long to have sex. I was her first but she wasn't mine, which was okay with her.

I download tinder, and swipe right without looking and match with Sarah. This boils my blood because what is tinder for? Hookups... It took me months to sleep with Sarah, but now she is on tinder.

I go out to the bar, get drunk and Sarah is on my mind

Sarah goes to a concert one night, has a few too many drinks and texts me. "I fucking love you. You're the only one i'll love. I know this is random but I love you unconditionally" Still have the text

Snapchat has "one year ago, two years ago"...etc memories. She forwards me pictures of us when they pop up on her memories. I ask Sarah to try being a couple again, she says not right now.

I try to engage a convo with Sarah, she is short, dry and non responsive after a few messages back and forth.

It is now half way through 2019. It has been 4 1/2 years since I met Sarah. 4 1/2 years I have been in love with her. 1 1/2 years since we broke up. I do not know what to do anymore. every time I try to move on Sarah comes back temporarily and leaves. I haven't had any feelings towards any other girls ever since. I have become a douchebag to females.

WHAT DO I DO?

​

*TL;DR; : My girlfriend and I broke up a while ago, she plays mind games with me, which is why I can't get over her and move on. What do I do?**. 

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 04:13AM

*TL;DR; : My girlfriend and I broke up a while ago, she plays mind games with me, which is why I can't get over her and move on. What do I do?**. I have never posted to this platform before so give me a break about my ignorance.Super long and detailed. Give it to me straight, what the fuck do I do?I am stuck between moving on from my ex and holding on to the thought of being together again and I will tell you all why.We will call my ex Sarah. Sarah and I started dating in high school. We dated for approximately 2 years throughout high school and college. After high school graduation, I moved a couple of hours away from home for college and she stayed at a local university at home. I would make a trip home at least 2 or 3 times a month for the weekend to see her and be with her. We had the best relationship, so I thought. Me and Sarah are like literally the same person, we have the same interests, same hobbies, we could talk about anything. She was literally my best friend. I know we were younger at the time so that may have played a big part into why this relationship went down hill. Background knowledge**- I have learned that I have trust issues and I believe that is a major reason to why we cut things off. With me being away from home, not seeing each other that often, I guess you could say I was trying to control her from being away. I would get pissed at things like her not replying to my texts when she was out with friends, I would always question who she was with and if there were other guys with her. *She is a very attractive woman*. I would be upset with her if she was with other guys, because being a douchebag myself in high school, I always thought that all guys would just want to get into her pants regardless of her relationship status and that bothered me. I now realize after we broke up, that I was controlling and didn't "trust" her to being loyal to me. I agree that I was being selfish and just a bad person to be with but by the time I realized this, it was too late.From the beginning of our relationship Sarah asked me to share my location with her at all times and I was fine with that because I would never cheat on her or even consider it. I was serious about Sarah and so I shared my location and she shared hers with me. Friday/Saturdays nights when 4-5 hours would pass without getting a reply from Sarah while she is posting numerous snapchat's out and about having fun. Yes, I was controlling but if all she would do is reply every once in a while I would be okay as it would take the worst case scenario's out of my head.When we broke up, it was not a clean-cut break up. She insisted, "she does not want to break up completely, just take a break from each other". Obviously, I did not want this but if this is what it took to save our relationship I was all for it. The last couple weeks leading up to this "break" we were arguing a bunch so I get why it happened. After talking to some of my guy friends from college and some close girl-friends that went to the same college but I knew from home and actually longer than Sarah, they all basically told me that a "break" is not a good thing, its practically over. So me being the dumbass that I am broke the "break" rules and made a spontaneous trip back home to surprise Sarah. Once, I pulled up to her house, I called her and told her I was here. She was confused at first and then realized I was in front of her house. She came out and asked me what I was doing and this isn't what a break is. I came home to talk things out in person as I hate discussing stuff like this over the phone. I figured it would be a pleasant surprise, but I was wrong. After about a week of being on this break, me trying to fix things multiple times, Sarah calls me after midnight crying, saying "idk how to do this, I don't want to, blah blah blah but its officially over". I was devastated but I knew I couldn't change anything that night so I temporarily accepted it dreadfully. After a few days, I tried messaging her again and nothing in return and that is when I knew it was over.Fast forward a couple of months, it is summer break, I am back home. I transferred universities to one at home. Somehow we get in contact again, can't remember how or why exactly and we ended up hanging out. When we hangout that night, it felt as if we were never broken up. We laughed at the same silly things we did before, we did the same activities. All those feelings I had buried down for Sarah, quickly resurfaced after that one night of hanging out. That night I took a leap, and asked what her thoughts were on getting back together. She basically beat around the bush and mentioned she sees it in the future just not at the moment, I was happy with that answer and left it at that. Some more time goes by and we hangout again, same thing as the last time. Hangout, laughed, ate, etc. hungout at her house and I noticed some random out of state phone number was messaging her the whole night. I dug around and found out who it was and asked her about it. She insisted it was nothing, they just talk. That low-key killed me inside but I had no right to say anything. A couple months pass and the same guy that was texting her is now in my town, several hours away from his, and is on her snapchat story. This is where my stomach turned inside out as I still loved Sarah and told me we would get back together but now she is dating some dude out of state. I was heart broken but nothing I could do, I sucked it up and said "fu*k it".Some more months pass, and I am throwing a New Years Eve party on my ranch. Outdoors, huge, tons of alcohol, hired a Dj, most kick ass party. I was good friends with Sarah's brother, "Matt", even after everything between me and Sarah. I had no problem with Matt being there and then a few hours into the party, Matt approaches me and asks if it was cool if Sarah stopped by? And I flat out told him, that is fine as long as she doesn't bring her out-of-state boyfriend and he said he's not, so fine she can come. Sarah shows up and it is a little awkward between us, but nothing serious. We said hello to each other and partied on. The past 2 years, me and Sarah, always went out together for NYE and kissed at midnight. Well, midnight comes around, the Dj stops the music and we set off tons of fireworks and had a toast. Sarah comes up to me, and us both being tipsy, we started making out. Everyone around us is cheering and smiling. I was the happiest man at the party at that point. Party goes on as normal, by 3-4am people start to head home and she is passed out on the chair. I wake her up and tell her to go to my room, let me escort my guests off my property, pay the Dj and then ill drive her home. I go into my bed, she is dead asleep, at least I thought she was. As I try to wake her up to take her home she refuses to leave and wants to stay with me, I did not argue I let her stay and we hooked up that night just like the previous years. Keep in mind, at the time she was still talking/dating to the out-of-state guy. The next morning, we wake up, look at each other and smile. we chat for a bit in bed and her friends call her to go to brunch and that is when she invited me to come along so I did. We talked for 3-4 days after that, then she hits me with "I am so sorry but I just can't do this to Steve" (We'll say Steve is her out-of-state boyfriend). I thought the first heart brake hurt but this topped it. I couldn't stop thinking to myself, "Can't do this to Steve? that you've known for 3-4 months, what about me???". I told myself its not worth it and moved on. A couple months go by again, no contact between us.Sarah went to the lake with a couple of her friends and somehow found out that Steve had a whole different girlfriend in his home state that he was planning to propose to. Sarah then told her friends in the car that she didn't care, he was never really her boyfriend, she doesn't care, she is going to marry me. My source to this: her friends from the lake, which I am also friends with.After months of not talking, Sarah calls me and asks if I am home, I say yes. She tells me to come outside, so I do and she hands me an invitation to her grad party???? WHY INVITE ME. I attend the party because yes, I was still sure I loved her at this point and wanted to be there for her. After the party, no contact once again.I get drunk one night and text Sarah if there could be a second chance between us. She again tells me, yes just not right now.More months pass we somehow get in contact yet again, talk for a week or so, hanging out every day. I ask her about getting back together and she says "I don't want to be in a relationship right now I need to focus on school".The year before this I went to Australia for my first time, we were broken up at the time I went. As we were getting ice cream one night she brings up how she would like to go to Australia really bad. (That was one of the things we always talked about while we were together was traveling to Australia together). I have a lot of close family in Australia so it is really easy for me to travel to that side of the world, so I jokingly said hey we should go over winter break from school since in Australia it would be summer and she was down and I thought this would be the chance to accomplish one of the big things we talked about while we were together and could possibly lead to us getting back together. She was all for it and instantly started looking at flights and prices for a couple days and we never made legit plans. I was down for whenever she wanted to go, regardless of the cost as I was done with school and had time and money. Days/weeks pass on this topic and we stop talking once again. She doesn't reply to texts, snaps, anything so I got pissed and said fuck it, fuck you and bought a ticket for myself to go to Australia while she was on winter break. I made sure to post about it every where that she would see that I am going again. After weeks of not talking to me, she has the audacity to swipe up on my story and say "so were not going together?" I just thought LMAO no.I go to Australia for 5 weeks, come back, happy as can be as I was just at the beach in 105 degree weather while in the states it was 10 degrees lolLiving my life as normal, Sarah isn't even on my mind anymore. Sarah randomly swipes up on my story that I posted a picture of my mother for her birthday and writes, "My Jessica <3". Jessica is my mom.I make plans with one of our mutual friends to go out to a bar, Sarah calls mutual friend and finds out we are hanging out and insists to join so here she comes.I start talking to a new girl and she finds out about it, then starts shit between me and this new girl which leads the new girl to leave.I hang out with mutual friend again, Sarah joins again without my knowledge. Sarah drove that night, as she dropped me off at my car, we make out. No contact after that.I randomly will send her a snap, she opens it no reply. I post something on my story couple days later she swipes up and says something.Sarah was not for sex before marriage which I respected as I loved her for her not sex. So took very long to have sex. I was her first but she wasn't mine, which was okay with her.I download tinder, and swipe right without looking and match with Sarah. This boils my blood because what is tinder for? Hookups... It took me months to sleep with Sarah, but now she is on tinder.I go out to the bar, get drunk and Sarah is on my mindSarah goes to a concert one night, has a few too many drinks and texts me. "I fucking love you. You're the only one i'll love. I know this is random but I love you unconditionally" Still have the textSnapchat has "one year ago, two years ago"...etc memories. She forwards me pictures of us when they pop up on her memories. I ask Sarah to try being a couple again, she says not right now.I try to engage a convo with Sarah, she is short, dry and non responsive after a few messages back and forth.It is now half way through 2019. It has been 4 1/2 years since I met Sarah. 4 1/2 years I have been in love with her. 1 1/2 years since we broke up. I do not know what to do anymore. every time I try to move on Sarah comes back temporarily and leaves. I haven't had any feelings towards any other girls ever since. I have become a douchebag to females.WHAT DO I DO?​*TL;DR; : My girlfriend and I broke up a while ago, she plays mind games with me, which is why I can't get over her and move on. What do I do?**.