So confused about where I stand

This is a long one, sorry. I’m writing it all out for my own benefit too, to try and figure out my own thoughts.

My husband (41M) and myself (41F) have been together for 12 years, married for almost 9 years. We have two children under 10, and I have an 18 yr old child from a previous relationship.

We had a good marriage to begin with, his extended family said we were made for each other, though his immediate family did not approve as I was not up to standard (I was a single mother, in university rather than an established career, and from the country, not city educated). When I was pregnant with our 2nd child together, I was very sick. I had no family around, and his family didn’t help. Having two other children, and barely able to move most days, meant he had to take time off work sometimes. He resented that. The resentment built up towards me so much that when I was in hospital after childbirth (we had a 2 week stay because baby was unwell), he began chatting to an old school friend and made plans to hook up with her. A few weeks later I found his conversations with her, as he left his phone on the counter, and I saw her name pop up with an inappropriate message. He had spent weeks telling her I didn’t do enough for him, and laughing about my depression. I packed his things, slapped him across the face (I do regret that), and told him to leave. He begged to stay. He deleted Facebook, gave me all passwords to his emails and phone, and promised to work on our marriage. I let him back in.

Fast forward, and there are various issues here and there; he told his family a major decision we made that they didn’t like was all my idea even though it wasn’t, he withdrew affection and only gave it to me in the form of sex if I did a good job with the housework, he went for a new job with a big commute and lots of away time without telling me about it (he got that job and it did all sorts of things to our finances, but I never had the opportunity to discuss it with him prior because I didn’t know), he began ignoring all my advances towards him but claimed there was no reason. This year, things seemed to improve a little, even though he found Fortnite and it has been a sticking point in our relationship ever since. We were being less snarky with each other, and he would give me a kiss and tell me he loved me before he went to sleep every night. Due to the Fortnight issue, we decided to go to marriage counselling (he was the one who made the appointment). In our first session last night he started by throwing a bomb - he doesn’t love me or miss me when he’s away anymore. He’s been lying to me about loving me so not to upset the kids. He wants to leave. I don’t do enough around the house, or cook enough meals. Never mind I look after the three kids who all have ASD, work 4-5 days a week, and always have an appointment I have to take someone to. I get less than 5hrs broken sleep most nights because the kids are always waking with various problems and I don’t want them to wake him.

I honestly don’t know how to feel. More-so, I’m confused by my feelings. I’m devastated, but why? He’s hurt me so much in the past, and I’ve tried so hard to keep the marriage together. I deserve better than this, yet here I am, almost begging him to stay. Why??

Even he doesn’t fully know what he wants apparently. Once we got home he hugged me because I was upset. He said he doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision. I took my wedding ring off and put it on the counter. He slept on the couch last night, but this morning he kissed me on the cheek before he went to work, and passed my wedding right back to me and said to keep it for now. I’m so confused. How do I carry on like everything is okay? The kids know nothing of this. It will hit them hard as change is a struggle for all of them. If I had known it would end anyway, I would never have let him back the first time he hurt me. But why do I still want him after everything? Argh, I’m so confused. Any advice, or perspective, would help.

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 12:17AM

This is a long one, sorry. I’m writing it all out for my own benefit too, to try and figure out my own thoughts.My husband (41M) and myself (41F) have been together for 12 years, married for almost 9 years. We have two children under 10, and I have an 18 yr old child from a previous relationship.We had a good marriage to begin with, his extended family said we were made for each other, though his immediate family did not approve as I was not up to standard (I was a single mother, in university rather than an established career, and from the country, not city educated). When I was pregnant with our 2nd child together, I was very sick. I had no family around, and his family didn’t help. Having two other children, and barely able to move most days, meant he had to take time off work sometimes. He resented that. The resentment built up towards me so much that when I was in hospital after childbirth (we had a 2 week stay because baby was unwell), he began chatting to an old school friend and made plans to hook up with her. A few weeks later I found his conversations with her, as he left his phone on the counter, and I saw her name pop up with an inappropriate message. He had spent weeks telling her I didn’t do enough for him, and laughing about my depression. I packed his things, slapped him across the face (I do regret that), and told him to leave. He begged to stay. He deleted Facebook, gave me all passwords to his emails and phone, and promised to work on our marriage. I let him back in.Fast forward, and there are various issues here and there; he told his family a major decision we made that they didn’t like was all my idea even though it wasn’t, he withdrew affection and only gave it to me in the form of sex if I did a good job with the housework, he went for a new job with a big commute and lots of away time without telling me about it (he got that job and it did all sorts of things to our finances, but I never had the opportunity to discuss it with him prior because I didn’t know), he began ignoring all my advances towards him but claimed there was no reason. This year, things seemed to improve a little, even though he found Fortnite and it has been a sticking point in our relationship ever since. We were being less snarky with each other, and he would give me a kiss and tell me he loved me before he went to sleep every night. Due to the Fortnight issue, we decided to go to marriage counselling (he was the one who made the appointment). In our first session last night he started by throwing a bomb - he doesn’t love me or miss me when he’s away anymore. He’s been lying to me about loving me so not to upset the kids. He wants to leave. I don’t do enough around the house, or cook enough meals. Never mind I look after the three kids who all have ASD, work 4-5 days a week, and always have an appointment I have to take someone to. I get less than 5hrs broken sleep most nights because the kids are always waking with various problems and I don’t want them to wake him.I honestly don’t know how to feel. More-so, I’m confused by my feelings. I’m devastated, but why? He’s hurt me so much in the past, and I’ve tried so hard to keep the marriage together. I deserve better than this, yet here I am, almost begging him to stay. Why??Even he doesn’t fully know what he wants apparently. Once we got home he hugged me because I was upset. He said he doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision. I took my wedding ring off and put it on the counter. He slept on the couch last night, but this morning he kissed me on the cheek before he went to work, and passed my wedding right back to me and said to keep it for now. I’m so confused. How do I carry on like everything is okay? The kids know nothing of this. It will hit them hard as change is a struggle for all of them. If I had known it would end anyway, I would never have let him back the first time he hurt me. But why do I still want him after everything? Argh, I’m so confused. Any advice, or perspective, would help.