I'm (18F) afraid my depression will drive my boyfriend (18M) away or that he'll stop caring as much

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. And the thing is, my boyfriend has depression and anxiety too. He's gotten suicidal before, and it breaks my heart. He knows what this is like.

However, I am suicidal a lot more than he is, and I used to cut myself. I've since stopped after he gave me an ultimatum about it. Anyways, when I tell him about how I feel like killing myself or that I'm just depressed, he used to stay up and talk to me and make sure I'm okay. but nowadays he doesn't say as much. he'll tell me that he's sorry and that he loves me and I appreciate that, honestly, but I fear that maybe he's just tired of dating someone so mentally ill. we've actually had this discussion before. he says it can be a little taxing but that he loves me and wants to be with me. I can't help but still feel bad, though. I wish he'd still care as much as he used to, but at the same time I hate burdening him. I wish he didn't have to deal with me.

It's like some sort of paradox. I want his attention and to know that he cares, but I hate burdening him with the same old depression stuff.

It makes me feel genuinely suicidal sometimes because I feel like if I was dead, I wouldn't have to know he cares less, and he wouldn't have to console me all of the time.

I know he cares. But my anxiety refuses to stop. My anxiety seems to literally be one of the causes of my suicidal thoughts. I'm just so afraid of driving him away, but when I'm upset he's the one person I want to talk to most of all.

It's also worth noting that this is something I'm very insecure about, because in my last relationship, I drove my boyfriend away because of my anxiety that he didn't love me. I was 12 and hormonal and weird, and I am definitely better at coping with my anxiety, but those experiences have left me afraid of talking about my depression and anxiety with my s/o.

(for the record, I do take meds and see a therapist. don't like telling her about my suicidal ideation, I'm not good at vocalizing it and I don't want to get sent to the ward again)

TL;DR I want to be able to vent to my bf about my depression/anxiety but I don't want to burden him and that situation makes me genuinely suicidal



Submitted May 10, 2019 at 03:53AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. And the thing is, my boyfriend has depression and anxiety too. He's gotten suicidal before, and it breaks my heart. He knows what this is like.However, I am suicidal a lot more than he is, and I used to cut myself. I've since stopped after he gave me an ultimatum about it. Anyways, when I tell him about how I feel like killing myself or that I'm just depressed, he used to stay up and talk to me and make sure I'm okay. but nowadays he doesn't say as much. he'll tell me that he's sorry and that he loves me and I appreciate that, honestly, but I fear that maybe he's just tired of dating someone so mentally ill. we've actually had this discussion before. he says it can be a little taxing but that he loves me and wants to be with me. I can't help but still feel bad, though. I wish he'd still care as much as he used to, but at the same time I hate burdening him. I wish he didn't have to deal with me.It's like some sort of paradox. I want his attention and to know that he cares, but I hate burdening him with the same old depression stuff.It makes me feel genuinely suicidal sometimes because I feel like if I was dead, I wouldn't have to know he cares less, and he wouldn't have to console me all of the time.I know he cares. But my anxiety refuses to stop. My anxiety seems to literally be one of the causes of my suicidal thoughts. I'm just so afraid of driving him away, but when I'm upset he's the one person I want to talk to most of all.It's also worth noting that this is something I'm very insecure about, because in my last relationship, I drove my boyfriend away because of my anxiety that he didn't love me. I was 12 and hormonal and weird, and I am definitely better at coping with my anxiety, but those experiences have left me afraid of talking about my depression and anxiety with my s/o.(for the record, I do take meds and see a therapist. don't like telling her about my suicidal ideation, I'm not good at vocalizing it and I don't want to get sent to the ward again)TL;DR I want to be able to vent to my bf about my depression/anxiety but I don't want to burden him and that situation makes me genuinely suicidal
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