I (24M) was contacted by my ex (22F), how do I express my new perspective while saying I want to still work on our relationship?

Alright, so some context, my ex girlfriend and I were together for a little over two and a half years.

I really thought this girl was the endgame for me. She was incredibly witty, funny, cute, and caring. She really did a lot for me and I appreciate her still a lot.

Our breakup was not mutual. I studied abroad the entirety of last summer, and basically watched my relationship crumble away, as my ex girlfriend would get frustrated with Whatsapp dropping our calls and decide we were just done talking for the day. This combined with the fact that she was stuck in our college town with a handful of new friends she'd made the semester before, she would go out with these new people or some of my friends. However, she got into a really bad habit of leaving the bar with people she didn't know/didn't know she could trust. She would text me and let me know about the cool group of people she left with, and how she walked with them and barely made it home, or how one of the guys in the group would come on to her and she did kind of the bare minimum to keep them from following her home.

She dumped me after an incident I found particularly bothering, which I wrote about on this subreddit a while back. Basically, what happened was we had talked things through, but then a friend of mine that didn't have any clear incentive to lie came forward with a huge inconsistency in her story. I'd go back and ask for clarification from this friend but he passed away in February. When confronted with the new info, my girlfriend acted strange, and broke up with me about an hour later.

I have been utterly devastated since then. It's been about nine months now, and I still think about her everyday.

A huge reason we broke up is my mental health issues that I wouldn't get help for. At first, my ex girlfriend made a comprise with me to where we could probably get back together if we stayed broken up for a time and worked on some issues we had with the other, then at some point, which she continually alluded to as the end of the school year, we could talk about getting back together.

I didn't love this idea, because I knew I wanted to be with her, but I agreed because at the end of the day, I did truly love her. It all really hit the fan when she got belligerently drunk one evening and called me to cuss me out for not coming to get her, despite the fact that earlier that week she had said we should try to maintain more distance and that I shouldn't keep spending Saturday evenings at her apartment.

I wound up going to a suicide watch hospital because I did not know how to handle the stress. When I got out, she let me know our agreement was void.

Since then, the few times we've had contact have been initiated by me. I wished her some happy holidays, a happy birthday, and one time just generally kind of caught up. The only time she's reached out to me was on my birthday, only to say happy birthday.

That is, until yesterday. I was checking some emails because I needed to contact a professor, and I noticed an email from her with an attachment. The email body had no text or subject line. The document attached was titled "Document1".

When I opened it, I was literally shaking, but my anxiety (I have GAD) quickly turned to anxious confusion when I saw that the document she sent was an old Christmas list. Like from Christmas 2017, I know because I'd watched her write it back then.

I know that what she sent isn't what she wanted to send. She's the type to leave a bunch of tabs open and to just save whatever she's working on as whatever, so I'm guessing, "Document1" was a letter she wrote to me, likely expressing gratitude for the memories I've given her. Which I appreciate but am not prepared for.

Since we've been broken up, I've realized that she was an abusive ex. She would call me manipulative, which was really an ad hominem attack, just based on the fights we'd have. She'd shame me by telling me to "man up" when things weren't exactly how she wanted, and I've come to realize that she was terrible about gaslighting me.

So often I questioned my own sanity and values because she thought differently from me and her family operated in such a different way from mine. After two years, she still had to get permission for me to attend family events, whereas two months in, my family assumed and welcomed her at any gathering. She really made me believe that I wasn't trying hard enough, when we would have fights where she'd get mad, refuse to explain why she was mad, and then in turn get mad at me for shutting down because I was so afraid of making things worse, when in all reality, she was just going to be mad at me no matter what.

I recognize now that I she had some nasty habits in the way she'd treat me. However, at the same time, she was very loving, she helped me as best she could through losing two of my grandparents. She would try to console me on days where I just felt inconsolably sad. And I want to recognize that she did a lot for me, but also that I did the best I could for her, at the time.

My problem was that she rejected my initial attempts to ask her out, citing I was too much like her brother, but then gave me a chance later on. The problem with this is that it set us up to be on uneven ground the entire time we were together, I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to her and that I needed to try harder, especially when she was upset, because I was already so lucky for her to give me a chance.

So I know I need to talk to her about the email she sent me, and express that I'm 99.98% sure that the old christmas list was a mistake. But I feel like the well-wishes she has a her seeking closure, in that she wants to feel like she didn't destroy my feelings when she left me. I want to express that I have a new perspective and I'd like a chance to be with her again, knowing everything I've learned through therapy and just being apart from her. This is the most likely scenario, the worst case scenario is her telling me how she's decided what a terrible person I am and how she regrets ever dating me in the first place. Like I said though, the first is way more likely, because she just graduated college and is likely moving many states away soon.

How do I respond to her letter? How do I tell her everything I feel without ruining any chance I have of being with her again?

Thanks for baring with me, you few brave souls that read through all my baggage.

tl;dr My ex girlfriend mistakenly sent me an old christmas list (after almost nine months of no contact) when I think she meant to send a well-wishing letter. I want to advocate for myself and our relationship but need to be upfront about how she was abusive and manipulative towards me. How do I talk to her without permanently ruining our relationship??

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 04:48AM

Alright, so some context, my ex girlfriend and I were together for a little over two and a half years.I really thought this girl was the endgame for me. She was incredibly witty, funny, cute, and caring. She really did a lot for me and I appreciate her still a lot.Our breakup was not mutual. I studied abroad the entirety of last summer, and basically watched my relationship crumble away, as my ex girlfriend would get frustrated with Whatsapp dropping our calls and decide we were just done talking for the day. This combined with the fact that she was stuck in our college town with a handful of new friends she'd made the semester before, she would go out with these new people or some of my friends. However, she got into a really bad habit of leaving the bar with people she didn't know/didn't know she could trust. She would text me and let me know about the cool group of people she left with, and how she walked with them and barely made it home, or how one of the guys in the group would come on to her and she did kind of the bare minimum to keep them from following her home.She dumped me after an incident I found particularly bothering, which I wrote about on this subreddit a while back. Basically, what happened was we had talked things through, but then a friend of mine that didn't have any clear incentive to lie came forward with a huge inconsistency in her story. I'd go back and ask for clarification from this friend but he passed away in February. When confronted with the new info, my girlfriend acted strange, and broke up with me about an hour later.I have been utterly devastated since then. It's been about nine months now, and I still think about her everyday.A huge reason we broke up is my mental health issues that I wouldn't get help for. At first, my ex girlfriend made a comprise with me to where we could probably get back together if we stayed broken up for a time and worked on some issues we had with the other, then at some point, which she continually alluded to as the end of the school year, we could talk about getting back together.I didn't love this idea, because I knew I wanted to be with her, but I agreed because at the end of the day, I did truly love her. It all really hit the fan when she got belligerently drunk one evening and called me to cuss me out for not coming to get her, despite the fact that earlier that week she had said we should try to maintain more distance and that I shouldn't keep spending Saturday evenings at her apartment.I wound up going to a suicide watch hospital because I did not know how to handle the stress. When I got out, she let me know our agreement was void.Since then, the few times we've had contact have been initiated by me. I wished her some happy holidays, a happy birthday, and one time just generally kind of caught up. The only time she's reached out to me was on my birthday, only to say happy birthday.That is, until yesterday. I was checking some emails because I needed to contact a professor, and I noticed an email from her with an attachment. The email body had no text or subject line. The document attached was titled "Document1".When I opened it, I was literally shaking, but my anxiety (I have GAD) quickly turned to anxious confusion when I saw that the document she sent was an old Christmas list. Like from Christmas 2017, I know because I'd watched her write it back then.I know that what she sent isn't what she wanted to send. She's the type to leave a bunch of tabs open and to just save whatever she's working on as whatever, so I'm guessing, "Document1" was a letter she wrote to me, likely expressing gratitude for the memories I've given her. Which I appreciate but am not prepared for.Since we've been broken up, I've realized that she was an abusive ex. She would call me manipulative, which was really an ad hominem attack, just based on the fights we'd have. She'd shame me by telling me to "man up" when things weren't exactly how she wanted, and I've come to realize that she was terrible about gaslighting me.So often I questioned my own sanity and values because she thought differently from me and her family operated in such a different way from mine. After two years, she still had to get permission for me to attend family events, whereas two months in, my family assumed and welcomed her at any gathering. She really made me believe that I wasn't trying hard enough, when we would have fights where she'd get mad, refuse to explain why she was mad, and then in turn get mad at me for shutting down because I was so afraid of making things worse, when in all reality, she was just going to be mad at me no matter what.I recognize now that I she had some nasty habits in the way she'd treat me. However, at the same time, she was very loving, she helped me as best she could through losing two of my grandparents. She would try to console me on days where I just felt inconsolably sad. And I want to recognize that she did a lot for me, but also that I did the best I could for her, at the time.My problem was that she rejected my initial attempts to ask her out, citing I was too much like her brother, but then gave me a chance later on. The problem with this is that it set us up to be on uneven ground the entire time we were together, I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to her and that I needed to try harder, especially when she was upset, because I was already so lucky for her to give me a chance.So I know I need to talk to her about the email she sent me, and express that I'm 99.98% sure that the old christmas list was a mistake. But I feel like the well-wishes she has a her seeking closure, in that she wants to feel like she didn't destroy my feelings when she left me. I want to express that I have a new perspective and I'd like a chance to be with her again, knowing everything I've learned through therapy and just being apart from her. This is the most likely scenario, the worst case scenario is her telling me how she's decided what a terrible person I am and how she regrets ever dating me in the first place. Like I said though, the first is way more likely, because she just graduated college and is likely moving many states away soon.How do I respond to her letter? How do I tell her everything I feel without ruining any chance I have of being with her again?Thanks for baring with me, you few brave souls that read through all my baggage.tl;dr My ex girlfriend mistakenly sent me an old christmas list (after almost nine months of no contact) when I think she meant to send a well-wishing letter. I want to advocate for myself and our relationship but need to be upfront about how she was abusive and manipulative towards me. How do I talk to her without permanently ruining our relationship??