I do too much work in the marriage

Hi guys, I just wanna share with you details of our marriage which has been overwhelming me. My husband and I got to know each other when I went to study in his country (country A). Then I found work in country B and we had a long distance relationship for 2 years. When we decided to get married, he moved to country B to live with me and left his job in country A. Since then he's not been able to find a stable job in country B. It's been 4 years since he moved here. We just had a baby. I am very overwhelmed and frustrated and resentful at the amount of work I feel I've been doing for the past 4 years. I have been the main breadwinner so I pay all the bills. I do more housework. I also have to take care of the baby more because the baby wants to be with me more and my husband, though keen, hasn't been very helpful around the baby. For a while he interned at my company for a position (I helped him secure the internship). His manager told me she didn't think he was interested in the job because though he did all his duties at home he kept making video games to sell which didn't sell, instead of trying to learn more about the new job to secure a full-time position, so they let him go. I was extremely angry and frustrated at him for not getting that. We both didn't speak the language of country B (I only needed English at work) so admin stuff was a real hassle. I paid for his intensive language course but he only went to for one month at a time. Somehow despite working full-time I managed to get much better at the language than him. Right now I feel very resentful of him. I wanted to have an equal partner, not someone I have to constantly support. From what I see, I am better at making money than him, better at housework, better at childcare, better at learning languages, better at making friends and finding solutions for problems one faces in a foreign country (I have been living in 5 different countries till now). What does he bring to the marriage?

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A few words about him: he's very laid back and until he met me he had no intention of moving abroad. He would have stayed at his old job forever if not for me. He doesn't care much about cleanliness in the house but he does the chores I ask him to do. He used to give me some money from time to time when we were dating because back then he was working and I was a student. Now our roles are reversed. It maddens me to see him so relaxed about our situation (though that changed recently because of the baby, he decided to change field to have more employment options, its looking good). He's a very keen father and my friends all say he's a good man, very gentle and understanding. But it pisses me off so much that I have to do so much work. I feel that he should have wanted to do whatever he had to to bring in money, but he was choosey when it came to jobs. I felt he should have taken even blue collar jobs. I want a driven man, I don't want a house husband (he doesn't want to be a house husband either).

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Recently I've suggested couple counselling and he agreed to go though the suggestion seemed to stress him out. We will go in 2 weeks. I wonder if during the session I should say whatever I have just said here and if it would make him feel attacked. What I want is an equal partner. I think because of the amount of resentment our sex life has also suffered even before baby and we sorta live parallel life. He's very introverted while I am very extroverted and I feel bored and lonely very often at home with no one to talk to. When I tell him he never talks to me he doesn't agree that's true.

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I'd like to hear your opinions on our marriage and also what I should or should not say during the therapy. I don't want to hurt him as I know he means well and I don't think we're anywhere near divorce, but I need him to have a major shift of attitude.

Submitted May 09, 2019 at 05:12PM

Hi guys, I just wanna share with you details of our marriage which has been overwhelming me. My husband and I got to know each other when I went to study in his country (country A). Then I found work in country B and we had a long distance relationship for 2 years. When we decided to get married, he moved to country B to live with me and left his job in country A. Since then he's not been able to find a stable job in country B. It's been 4 years since he moved here. We just had a baby. I am very overwhelmed and frustrated and resentful at the amount of work I feel I've been doing for the past 4 years. I have been the main breadwinner so I pay all the bills. I do more housework. I also have to take care of the baby more because the baby wants to be with me more and my husband, though keen, hasn't been very helpful around the baby. For a while he interned at my company for a position (I helped him secure the internship). His manager told me she didn't think he was interested in the job because though he did all his duties at home he kept making video games to sell which didn't sell, instead of trying to learn more about the new job to secure a full-time position, so they let him go. I was extremely angry and frustrated at him for not getting that. We both didn't speak the language of country B (I only needed English at work) so admin stuff was a real hassle. I paid for his intensive language course but he only went to for one month at a time. Somehow despite working full-time I managed to get much better at the language than him. Right now I feel very resentful of him. I wanted to have an equal partner, not someone I have to constantly support. From what I see, I am better at making money than him, better at housework, better at childcare, better at learning languages, better at making friends and finding solutions for problems one faces in a foreign country (I have been living in 5 different countries till now). What does he bring to the marriage?​A few words about him: he's very laid back and until he met me he had no intention of moving abroad. He would have stayed at his old job forever if not for me. He doesn't care much about cleanliness in the house but he does the chores I ask him to do. He used to give me some money from time to time when we were dating because back then he was working and I was a student. Now our roles are reversed. It maddens me to see him so relaxed about our situation (though that changed recently because of the baby, he decided to change field to have more employment options, its looking good). He's a very keen father and my friends all say he's a good man, very gentle and understanding. But it pisses me off so much that I have to do so much work. I feel that he should have wanted to do whatever he had to to bring in money, but he was choosey when it came to jobs. I felt he should have taken even blue collar jobs. I want a driven man, I don't want a house husband (he doesn't want to be a house husband either).​Recently I've suggested couple counselling and he agreed to go though the suggestion seemed to stress him out. We will go in 2 weeks. I wonder if during the session I should say whatever I have just said here and if it would make him feel attacked. What I want is an equal partner. I think because of the amount of resentment our sex life has also suffered even before baby and we sorta live parallel life. He's very introverted while I am very extroverted and I feel bored and lonely very often at home with no one to talk to. When I tell him he never talks to me he doesn't agree that's true.​I'd like to hear your opinions on our marriage and also what I should or should not say during the therapy. I don't want to hurt him as I know he means well and I don't think we're anywhere near divorce, but I need him to have a major shift of attitude.