I [30M] suspect my oldest friendship of almost 20 years has run its course. I am confused.

I wanted to get other people's perspective on my friendship. I feel like I already have a good assessment of this situation, but I am eager on new perspectives on this matter. I am sort of encouraged by another post here by a lovely woman who was not invited to her friend's wedding. I associate neither with the OP nor her "friend", but I must acknowledge that post gave me the idea to post here. So much frankness and sincerity in this subreddit.

TLDR: I have mixed feelings about a very close friend of almost 20 years. I feel like we grew apart. I think, even though it is so difficult to admit, I may be secretly wishing that friendship would just fade away gradually over time.

Let me begin by clarifying that we don't live in America to put things in context, as most redditors here are from there. I am not sure how culturally relative this post is though.

We have known each other since grade school, so we're friends for more than 15 years. We went to different high schools after that but we remained in contact and we have been confidantes of each other.

About me: I [30] left my hometown for university, and I mostly lived in other cities with short breaks in my hometown. Recently I lost my job, and I am looking for a job, I have moved in with my family in the meantime. I am also single, if that matters. I don't have a stellar career, but I'm trying.

My friend [30]: He stayed in our hometown all his life, and didn't go to university. He worked in random jobs to this time, so he didn't really learn a trade, skill or something. He occasionally changes jobs, sometimes he quits it himself, or he gets laid off. He has often frictions with his bosses, but he is also a well liked individual among friendship circles, and he knows lots of people, I mean acquaintances. He was also heavily traumatized by an opportunity his family didn't let him have (I don't want to go into details, imagine something like acting school or college football in the US).

So, there's a gap in our pedigree and life experiences even though our backgrounds are somewhat similar.

In the last few years, I have come to some realizations about myself and my environment. I became less tolerant, less compromising, and I guess more selfish. I have noticed that I was in a way too tolerant to many things in life and my stance was inadvertently taken advantage of. So I had some sort of an "awakening" so to speak, and him being a very close person to me took a bigger slice of it. I noticed that kindness sometimes inadvertently encourages other people to ignore your wishes, and use you as a doormat. I didn't deliberately change the way I behave, it has changed over time as an extension of the changes of my outlook. (He's not the only person that told me I've changed).

My friend is a very nice person and I am not saying he would ever try to use me like a doormat or anything, but I noticed recently that he would never stop doing something that I asked him not to unless he faced a consequence.

I think he just doesn't have any kind of feedback mechanism in his life, and he keeps doing certain things over and over unless he faces a harsh outcome. He just behaves in a very uncompromising way, and expects me to go along with it, and I am sick and tired of such attitude, and even when I make it clear that I do not approve it, he just plays it down. For example, recently we stopped at a fast food joint to eat something, and he did something that would be considered completely bad manners, and I told him he shouldn't have done it. Then he told me that he knew I would tell him that. Then I remembered that he did the exact same thing a few years ago in a different restaurant. I had also called him on that back then as well, and I remember he said something like he didn't care about what other people think, etc. I expect him to follow a common etiquette, and it's like I am a pretentious person trying to make him look bad. It was embarrassing, and it wasn't the first one he behaved like that. Whenever he does something unacceptable, (at least unacceptable to me) he doesn't like it that I find it unacceptable. So, he has a dead-set attitude that he's not really willing to change, and I don't really have much of an energy to deal with it anymore. I know he's very sincere, and a genuine person but reluctance to change to on his side is plain embarrassing sometimes, and when that's the case I can't help but feel a need to confine my relationship with him.

I feel like I obviously want to remain friends with him and I value him very much, but I also do not want to spend that much time together and have such a frequent correspondence. I think it's better I give some examples to describe my situation better.

For example, he recently congratulated me on some sports team's win. He knows that I don't follow sports for a very long time (10+ years), and I'm not really a fan of that team anymore, but he still takes the time to text me about this. I seriously couldn't understand the text the first time I read, because as I said I don't follow sports, and he knows that. It was not like he was joking about it or something, he was sincerely sharing the news sports with me. I just do not understand the train of thought behind such a text for example. He also keeps repeating some inside jokes over and over again. Even though we laugh a few times and all, I say him many times that it was enough, but he keeps repeating it. It is not only inside jokes, he just clings to anything you share with him. For example, I share a small detail about another friend with him, and he keeps bringing it up many times. For example he knows that one of my close friends moved to another country for work, and he asks a lot about him to the extent that making me uncomfortable. I casually shared that information with him but now it's like he's stuck with it. Again, I casually mentioned an issue with our neighbor a few years ago, and he's been stuck on it ever since. Because of this, I have been feeling reluctant to share anything new with him, because I know he will remember and bring it up many more times like a parrot in future many times.

I also think he has no concept of correspondence etiquette. For example there was a week at my job where I was very busy with something but I was also expecting some news about something else (honestly I don't remember the details) and we talked about this. I was going to have some friends visiting me that weekend, and I told him I was going to be busy that weekend (this happens in a different city, do not get the idea I am ditching him by meeting other friends or not inviting him), and I would surely call him about it later. So then he calls me on the Friday or Saturday night saying he got curious.

I think I saved the most extreme one for the last. At one point several months ago, I was completely fed up with his lack of etiquette. He would call and text, and if I didn't answer the regular phone call, he would try to call on WhatsApp. Also, I would very clearly ask him to please not call me on WhatsApp, and please call me only through regular phone call. I asked this because it messes up the permissions on my phone, and I tend to use WhatsApp voice or video call when I have to, like international calls etc (It's very unlikely in where I live to give a phone call in WhatsApp to locals, maybe I am being harsh by asking not to get called on WhatsApp, but I kindly asked this many times.) When he calls me through WhatsApp, I reject the call, and he gets defensive and tells me that he calls through that because he doesn't have credit, and why I was not understanding. He once told me he would call from WhatsApp because I asked him not to do that (I'm not kidding). He also did other stupid things regarding phone calls that I don't want to dwell on. The point is - at one point I was just sick of it and I blocked him on WhatsApp for like 2 weeks. I also had a lot going on my mind at that time so I really couldn't tolerate anymore.

Then, I unblocked him (at this point I guess it's obvious he's making more efforts to be in touch. I call and text him too but it's not as often. I am not sure he's aware of it). Then at some point, within a few days after unblocking him, he calls me. He tells me that he's very upset with me, and I go and should spend more time with my "educated" friends. Then I chuckled, because at that moment I just found it funny a little bit. Then we met up again, he told me he was sad/upset with me (I don't remember the exact word he used, I'm not sure if he used the word sad). However, our situation pretty much completely recovered from that point.

He's going through some soul searching at the moment, and having bitter feelings about the past as he feels he wasted a lot of time. For example he thinks he could have studied like many others if he had a chance. However I remember clearly he was a bad student, and he easily could have studied somewhere if he tried harder. It was not like he didn't have any opportunity, he was just not academically oriented. At this point in his life, he is coming to realizations that his uncompromising personality has cost him many things, and having difficulty accepting that he may have to work in jobs that he doesn't like. He is obviously finding difficulty to find a job for his sharp personality. So, he became even more bitter, and I found myself dreading to answer his calls, because he keeps talking about incoherent topics and gets repetitive. Last week he called me and talked about 15 minutes about a job application he made. He asked me many questions on a job and company I know nothing about. Right after hanging up the phone I regretted answering the call. It felt like he needed a therapist, not a friend.

I guess there's no need for more anecdotes. I initially wrote that I had a grasp on this situation, but now I am not sure.

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 05:25AM

I wanted to get other people's perspective on my friendship. I feel like I already have a good assessment of this situation, but I am eager on new perspectives on this matter. I am sort of encouraged by another post here by a lovely woman who was not invited to her friend's wedding. I associate neither with the OP nor her "friend", but I must acknowledge that post gave me the idea to post here. So much frankness and sincerity in this subreddit.TLDR: I have mixed feelings about a very close friend of almost 20 years. I feel like we grew apart. I think, even though it is so difficult to admit, I may be secretly wishing that friendship would just fade away gradually over time.Let me begin by clarifying that we don't live in America to put things in context, as most redditors here are from there. I am not sure how culturally relative this post is though.We have known each other since grade school, so we're friends for more than 15 years. We went to different high schools after that but we remained in contact and we have been confidantes of each other.About me: I [30] left my hometown for university, and I mostly lived in other cities with short breaks in my hometown. Recently I lost my job, and I am looking for a job, I have moved in with my family in the meantime. I am also single, if that matters. I don't have a stellar career, but I'm trying.My friend [30]: He stayed in our hometown all his life, and didn't go to university. He worked in random jobs to this time, so he didn't really learn a trade, skill or something. He occasionally changes jobs, sometimes he quits it himself, or he gets laid off. He has often frictions with his bosses, but he is also a well liked individual among friendship circles, and he knows lots of people, I mean acquaintances. He was also heavily traumatized by an opportunity his family didn't let him have (I don't want to go into details, imagine something like acting school or college football in the US).So, there's a gap in our pedigree and life experiences even though our backgrounds are somewhat similar.In the last few years, I have come to some realizations about myself and my environment. I became less tolerant, less compromising, and I guess more selfish. I have noticed that I was in a way too tolerant to many things in life and my stance was inadvertently taken advantage of. So I had some sort of an "awakening" so to speak, and him being a very close person to me took a bigger slice of it. I noticed that kindness sometimes inadvertently encourages other people to ignore your wishes, and use you as a doormat. I didn't deliberately change the way I behave, it has changed over time as an extension of the changes of my outlook. (He's not the only person that told me I've changed).My friend is a very nice person and I am not saying he would ever try to use me like a doormat or anything, but I noticed recently that he would never stop doing something that I asked him not to unless he faced a consequence.I think he just doesn't have any kind of feedback mechanism in his life, and he keeps doing certain things over and over unless he faces a harsh outcome. He just behaves in a very uncompromising way, and expects me to go along with it, and I am sick and tired of such attitude, and even when I make it clear that I do not approve it, he just plays it down. For example, recently we stopped at a fast food joint to eat something, and he did something that would be considered completely bad manners, and I told him he shouldn't have done it. Then he told me that he knew I would tell him that. Then I remembered that he did the exact same thing a few years ago in a different restaurant. I had also called him on that back then as well, and I remember he said something like he didn't care about what other people think, etc. I expect him to follow a common etiquette, and it's like I am a pretentious person trying to make him look bad. It was embarrassing, and it wasn't the first one he behaved like that. Whenever he does something unacceptable, (at least unacceptable to me) he doesn't like it that I find it unacceptable. So, he has a dead-set attitude that he's not really willing to change, and I don't really have much of an energy to deal with it anymore. I know he's very sincere, and a genuine person but reluctance to change to on his side is plain embarrassing sometimes, and when that's the case I can't help but feel a need to confine my relationship with him.I feel like I obviously want to remain friends with him and I value him very much, but I also do not want to spend that much time together and have such a frequent correspondence. I think it's better I give some examples to describe my situation better.For example, he recently congratulated me on some sports team's win. He knows that I don't follow sports for a very long time (10+ years), and I'm not really a fan of that team anymore, but he still takes the time to text me about this. I seriously couldn't understand the text the first time I read, because as I said I don't follow sports, and he knows that. It was not like he was joking about it or something, he was sincerely sharing the news sports with me. I just do not understand the train of thought behind such a text for example. He also keeps repeating some inside jokes over and over again. Even though we laugh a few times and all, I say him many times that it was enough, but he keeps repeating it. It is not only inside jokes, he just clings to anything you share with him. For example, I share a small detail about another friend with him, and he keeps bringing it up many times. For example he knows that one of my close friends moved to another country for work, and he asks a lot about him to the extent that making me uncomfortable. I casually shared that information with him but now it's like he's stuck with it. Again, I casually mentioned an issue with our neighbor a few years ago, and he's been stuck on it ever since. Because of this, I have been feeling reluctant to share anything new with him, because I know he will remember and bring it up many more times like a parrot in future many times.I also think he has no concept of correspondence etiquette. For example there was a week at my job where I was very busy with something but I was also expecting some news about something else (honestly I don't remember the details) and we talked about this. I was going to have some friends visiting me that weekend, and I told him I was going to be busy that weekend (this happens in a different city, do not get the idea I am ditching him by meeting other friends or not inviting him), and I would surely call him about it later. So then he calls me on the Friday or Saturday night saying he got curious.I think I saved the most extreme one for the last. At one point several months ago, I was completely fed up with his lack of etiquette. He would call and text, and if I didn't answer the regular phone call, he would try to call on WhatsApp. Also, I would very clearly ask him to please not call me on WhatsApp, and please call me only through regular phone call. I asked this because it messes up the permissions on my phone, and I tend to use WhatsApp voice or video call when I have to, like international calls etc (It's very unlikely in where I live to give a phone call in WhatsApp to locals, maybe I am being harsh by asking not to get called on WhatsApp, but I kindly asked this many times.) When he calls me through WhatsApp, I reject the call, and he gets defensive and tells me that he calls through that because he doesn't have credit, and why I was not understanding. He once told me he would call from WhatsApp because I asked him not to do that (I'm not kidding). He also did other stupid things regarding phone calls that I don't want to dwell on. The point is - at one point I was just sick of it and I blocked him on WhatsApp for like 2 weeks. I also had a lot going on my mind at that time so I really couldn't tolerate anymore.Then, I unblocked him (at this point I guess it's obvious he's making more efforts to be in touch. I call and text him too but it's not as often. I am not sure he's aware of it). Then at some point, within a few days after unblocking him, he calls me. He tells me that he's very upset with me, and I go and should spend more time with my "educated" friends. Then I chuckled, because at that moment I just found it funny a little bit. Then we met up again, he told me he was sad/upset with me (I don't remember the exact word he used, I'm not sure if he used the word sad). However, our situation pretty much completely recovered from that point.He's going through some soul searching at the moment, and having bitter feelings about the past as he feels he wasted a lot of time. For example he thinks he could have studied like many others if he had a chance. However I remember clearly he was a bad student, and he easily could have studied somewhere if he tried harder. It was not like he didn't have any opportunity, he was just not academically oriented. At this point in his life, he is coming to realizations that his uncompromising personality has cost him many things, and having difficulty accepting that he may have to work in jobs that he doesn't like. He is obviously finding difficulty to find a job for his sharp personality. So, he became even more bitter, and I found myself dreading to answer his calls, because he keeps talking about incoherent topics and gets repetitive. Last week he called me and talked about 15 minutes about a job application he made. He asked me many questions on a job and company I know nothing about. Right after hanging up the phone I regretted answering the call. It felt like he needed a therapist, not a friend.I guess there's no need for more anecdotes. I initially wrote that I had a grasp on this situation, but now I am not sure.