23M bf has no personality, says he will be "whoever I(22F) want him to be"

Posted yesterday about not feeling in love with my LDR bf anymore because of building resentment and the realization that he doesn't really put effort in/understand my interests anymore.

Since posting last, I talked to him about everything and that I feel like we would be better off as friends, and need time to figure out who we are and what we want from life and that I needed space. He didn't defend himself at all, just got super sad and said he "doesn't know how to be good enough for me" but wants me to give him a chance to show me he can be better.

I basically told him everything I don't like about him and felt super shitty for it, but he accepted it all as being true and vowed to try and change for me. The problem is that I don't think they're change-able things, I think it's just his personality. I don't want him to be living a lie just because he wants to be with me. I told him I want him to be himself and figure out what he wants from life and he just said all he wants is me, and that he'll be whatever I want him to be.

The whole thing makes me feel uneasy, like I've been dating someone whose whole personality was constructed just to get close to me and now that I've taken a step back, there's nothing there. Honestly he's never really had strong opinions about anything, and always just seems to do what everyone around him does. I feel like being with him is doing him more harm than good and that he needs to figure out who he is before he tries to be in a relationship.

This whole thing sucks. I still love him as a person and just want him to grow and become self-actualized but I feel like I've been coddling him too much and I can't help him without completely cutting him off. Does anyone think it's possible to stay friends and try to support him? Or do I need to do the most painful thing possible and cut contact? :(

TL;DR

bf wants to change for me but I don't think its possible for him to be himself while I'm in his life.



Submitted May 10, 2019 at 07:00AM

Posted yesterday about not feeling in love with my LDR bf anymore because of building resentment and the realization that he doesn't really put effort in/understand my interests anymore.Since posting last, I talked to him about everything and that I feel like we would be better off as friends, and need time to figure out who we are and what we want from life and that I needed space. He didn't defend himself at all, just got super sad and said he "doesn't know how to be good enough for me" but wants me to give him a chance to show me he can be better.I basically told him everything I don't like about him and felt super shitty for it, but he accepted it all as being true and vowed to try and change for me. The problem is that I don't think they're change-able things, I think it's just his personality. I don't want him to be living a lie just because he wants to be with me. I told him I want him to be himself and figure out what he wants from life and he just said all he wants is me, and that he'll be whatever I want him to be.The whole thing makes me feel uneasy, like I've been dating someone whose whole personality was constructed just to get close to me and now that I've taken a step back, there's nothing there. Honestly he's never really had strong opinions about anything, and always just seems to do what everyone around him does. I feel like being with him is doing him more harm than good and that he needs to figure out who he is before he tries to be in a relationship.This whole thing sucks. I still love him as a person and just want him to grow and become self-actualized but I feel like I've been coddling him too much and I can't help him without completely cutting him off. Does anyone think it's possible to stay friends and try to support him? Or do I need to do the most painful thing possible and cut contact? :(TL;DRbf wants to change for me but I don't think its possible for him to be himself while I'm in his life.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more