Overscheduled Wife- What to Do? (Rant)

Hello marrieds. This is gonna be kind of a rant. Pls constructive criticism only thanks. I am a very sensitive person, okay?

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I am a 29 y/o married lesbian married to my wife, 36 y/o.

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I am wondering if I am acting unreasonably toward my partner. My main concern is: she spends too much time away from home and she is over-scheduled.

She works usually 40-50 hours per week and then usually spends two nights a week at her sister's house with her niece, nephew and BIL. I think it is too much time spent away from home. She is VERY close to her family. I should mention she is a twin, and I know that twins share a unique and special bond. Obviously I don't want to come between that but I think the amount of time spent with her sister is excessive. We usually spend holidays with her sister's family and my family since we all live within an hour of each other. In addition, we usually travel to see family who live out of state twice a year. We are also at that phase of life where there are a lot of weddings, baptisms, baby showers, kids' birthday parties and we also have had a few deaths in the family so we have been going to a number of funerals as well. In addition, there is just the day to day tasks of living. I try to eat very healthfully so I try to cook at home and we have different diets so a lot of the time we have to prepare two separate meals so this adds time to food preparation. And we have pets so their care takes time and money as well. Basically, life is very busy.

Usually when she is home she is on the phone or skyping with her father or her sister, or she is watching tv or sleeping, or planning events for the next three months. She is a big planner and she plans everything 3-6 months in advance. I feel like this boxes me in to her schedule a lot of the time and I feel like I don't get much say if I want to do something last minute, for example.

So when we do spend time together, a lot of the time is planned - going to a movie, travelling to visit friends or family, going to social events, ect. The result is that I feel like I don't have any control over my own life unless I am willing to plan things way in advance, which is not really my style. Also these sorts of trips are expensive, and it is hard to say how much money I will have when the time comes to go on one of these trips. She does absorb a lot of the costs so I feel like I don't have a lot of say over how these trips are planned, although she does run all the accommodations by me before booking. I do like to travel but I think it is too much travelling. It is usually 4 or 5 trips a year (this year we have 4 trips to go visit family, and two romantic couple trips planned.) I am developing a STRONG dislike towards air travel because all this travelling is just excessive. I now have to take an anti-anxiety pill when we travel by air because the trip stresses me out so much. The problem is even if I say "no" to one of these trips she keeps asking and coming up with rebuttals ("but the trip is not until November" "But we can stay with family so it will be cheap" "But we've never seen that part of the country before" ect.) It is really upsetting because I feel like I am being manipulated into saying yes when I very clearly said no the first several times she asked. It also reminds me of being with men who would not take no for an answer when I was younger, if you know what I mean, and it deeply upsets me. I thought women are supposed to know better?! I did tell her how her needling reminded me of men's manipulative behavior and that I expected her to act better than that. But she still does it and it is so subtle I end up in an argument over the logistics of a trip I don't even want to go on!

Okay I do want to say that she is a very hard-working, well-adjusted, generous and kind person and has tons of friends and everybody loves her and I'm sure that everyone thinks I am lucky to have such a wonderful partner so I feel like I am being totally unreasonable and I'm acting like a whiny brat when I feel so unhappy and frustrated in this marriage! But it doesn't change the way I feel!

Also when she goes out with friends, she will stay up late talking with them but she will never stay out late with me because she has to get up early for work. But for friends she will stay out late. I feel like I get whatever left over energy she has. So basically I just think she spends too much time away from home. I know she has to work and I think it is great that she works so hard, is close with her family and I like that she has a lot of friends but really when she comes home, she is so exhausted from working and socializing that all she can do is zone out in front of the tv or she is asleep. We argue a lot over her over-scheduling her life. I think she needs to slow down and spend more time at home. I have been looking up advice on this problem for years and yes I have talked to her about it on numerous occasions. Usually she will respond be only going to her sister's once that week instead and then the next week everything goes back to normal. Also on other people's advice, I have taken up my own hobbies while she is away and I now take music lessons 2x/week. I also take care of our pets, cook, clean, attend events and travel with her. I don't work but I would like to in the future. I am on a new anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds which are helping me regulate my moods better. I should say that I have anxiety, depression and chronic pain so it is hard for me to tell how I am going to feel from one day to the next (which is kind of why I don't like to plan things way in advance, and makes it difficult to hold down a job.) I have been taking more responsibility for my health and I go to the doctor's at least once a week, sometimes more often, and I am taking supplements and medications to help manage my conditions, and I eat healthfully. So I am really trying to be a better person and a better partner to her. What can I do??? Thanks for listening.

Submitted May 09, 2019 at 07:20PM

Hello marrieds. This is gonna be kind of a rant. Pls constructive criticism only thanks. I am a very sensitive person, okay?​I am a 29 y/o married lesbian married to my wife, 36 y/o.​I am wondering if I am acting unreasonably toward my partner. My main concern is: she spends too much time away from home and she is over-scheduled.She works usually 40-50 hours per week and then usually spends two nights a week at her sister's house with her niece, nephew and BIL. I think it is too much time spent away from home. She is VERY close to her family. I should mention she is a twin, and I know that twins share a unique and special bond. Obviously I don't want to come between that but I think the amount of time spent with her sister is excessive. We usually spend holidays with her sister's family and my family since we all live within an hour of each other. In addition, we usually travel to see family who live out of state twice a year. We are also at that phase of life where there are a lot of weddings, baptisms, baby showers, kids' birthday parties and we also have had a few deaths in the family so we have been going to a number of funerals as well. In addition, there is just the day to day tasks of living. I try to eat very healthfully so I try to cook at home and we have different diets so a lot of the time we have to prepare two separate meals so this adds time to food preparation. And we have pets so their care takes time and money as well. Basically, life is very busy.Usually when she is home she is on the phone or skyping with her father or her sister, or she is watching tv or sleeping, or planning events for the next three months. She is a big planner and she plans everything 3-6 months in advance. I feel like this boxes me in to her schedule a lot of the time and I feel like I don't get much say if I want to do something last minute, for example.So when we do spend time together, a lot of the time is planned - going to a movie, travelling to visit friends or family, going to social events, ect. The result is that I feel like I don't have any control over my own life unless I am willing to plan things way in advance, which is not really my style. Also these sorts of trips are expensive, and it is hard to say how much money I will have when the time comes to go on one of these trips. She does absorb a lot of the costs so I feel like I don't have a lot of say over how these trips are planned, although she does run all the accommodations by me before booking. I do like to travel but I think it is too much travelling. It is usually 4 or 5 trips a year (this year we have 4 trips to go visit family, and two romantic couple trips planned.) I am developing a STRONG dislike towards air travel because all this travelling is just excessive. I now have to take an anti-anxiety pill when we travel by air because the trip stresses me out so much. The problem is even if I say "no" to one of these trips she keeps asking and coming up with rebuttals ("but the trip is not until November" "But we can stay with family so it will be cheap" "But we've never seen that part of the country before" ect.) It is really upsetting because I feel like I am being manipulated into saying yes when I very clearly said no the first several times she asked. It also reminds me of being with men who would not take no for an answer when I was younger, if you know what I mean, and it deeply upsets me. I thought women are supposed to know better?! I did tell her how her needling reminded me of men's manipulative behavior and that I expected her to act better than that. But she still does it and it is so subtle I end up in an argument over the logistics of a trip I don't even want to go on!Okay I do want to say that she is a very hard-working, well-adjusted, generous and kind person and has tons of friends and everybody loves her and I'm sure that everyone thinks I am lucky to have such a wonderful partner so I feel like I am being totally unreasonable and I'm acting like a whiny brat when I feel so unhappy and frustrated in this marriage! But it doesn't change the way I feel!Also when she goes out with friends, she will stay up late talking with them but she will never stay out late with me because she has to get up early for work. But for friends she will stay out late. I feel like I get whatever left over energy she has. So basically I just think she spends too much time away from home. I know she has to work and I think it is great that she works so hard, is close with her family and I like that she has a lot of friends but really when she comes home, she is so exhausted from working and socializing that all she can do is zone out in front of the tv or she is asleep. We argue a lot over her over-scheduling her life. I think she needs to slow down and spend more time at home. I have been looking up advice on this problem for years and yes I have talked to her about it on numerous occasions. Usually she will respond be only going to her sister's once that week instead and then the next week everything goes back to normal. Also on other people's advice, I have taken up my own hobbies while she is away and I now take music lessons 2x/week. I also take care of our pets, cook, clean, attend events and travel with her. I don't work but I would like to in the future. I am on a new anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds which are helping me regulate my moods better. I should say that I have anxiety, depression and chronic pain so it is hard for me to tell how I am going to feel from one day to the next (which is kind of why I don't like to plan things way in advance, and makes it difficult to hold down a job.) I have been taking more responsibility for my health and I go to the doctor's at least once a week, sometimes more often, and I am taking supplements and medications to help manage my conditions, and I eat healthfully. So I am really trying to be a better person and a better partner to her. What can I do??? Thanks for listening.