Let myself down

Is anyone else finding that no matter how much work you do on your self-esteem, therapy etc you keep ending up dating the same person? I am bound to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

Being a 33-year-old woman I have experience in noticing when a new relationship isn't working, so that's why I am bummed that I didn't nip it sooner. We had been seeing each other for almost four months and we would see each other once or twice a week, which was fine with me. The problem I should have seen was that when we saw each other it was almost always dinner-drinks-sex, but because I have things going on, I didn't see it as an issue at the time. Then we planned to do something together on one of the bank holiday weekends, and we saw each other for drinks on the Friday, but then that was it. I kept my damn weekend free but he ended up being too busy. I was so mad at myself. Anyway, I wont do a blow by blow of how the man I was seeing turned out to be an illusion, I'm sure you get the point. I had asked him a couple of weeks ago if we were in a relationship or not, and he said we were and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend (I know it sounds like we're 15) and then I dropped my guard a little. I thought we were taking things slowly. Then another weekend passes of him being evasive about plans. I called him Monday and cut to it, I told him I didn't feel like he wanted to spend time with me and I resented being made to feel insecure. He then admitted that he didn't want to get into a relationship, said something about needing therapy again and that he was sorry for treating me this way. It's a hit to my confidence, even though I know rationally that I am a worthy partner, to know that someone doesn't want to be with you burns a little. I'm not sure the 'I need therapy' is genuine, or some kind of excuse to make me feel sorry for him. To be honest, he was starting to strike me as quite a disingenuous person - one dimensional. I felt there were depths missing, or at least he was not capable of relating very deeply.

We have to drop our defences to connect with people, so we can either be cold robots and not connect or stand a chance of falling in love and risk being hurt. I have to say it does get easier, although I have been pretty blue this week, knowing it gets better helps. Also, I am turning 34 this summer, so I don't have the luxury of time to be melancholy. Joking, not joking.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 08:14AM

Is anyone else finding that no matter how much work you do on your self-esteem, therapy etc you keep ending up dating the same person? I am bound to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men.Being a 33-year-old woman I have experience in noticing when a new relationship isn't working, so that's why I am bummed that I didn't nip it sooner. We had been seeing each other for almost four months and we would see each other once or twice a week, which was fine with me. The problem I should have seen was that when we saw each other it was almost always dinner-drinks-sex, but because I have things going on, I didn't see it as an issue at the time. Then we planned to do something together on one of the bank holiday weekends, and we saw each other for drinks on the Friday, but then that was it. I kept my damn weekend free but he ended up being too busy. I was so mad at myself. Anyway, I wont do a blow by blow of how the man I was seeing turned out to be an illusion, I'm sure you get the point. I had asked him a couple of weeks ago if we were in a relationship or not, and he said we were and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend (I know it sounds like we're 15) and then I dropped my guard a little. I thought we were taking things slowly. Then another weekend passes of him being evasive about plans. I called him Monday and cut to it, I told him I didn't feel like he wanted to spend time with me and I resented being made to feel insecure. He then admitted that he didn't want to get into a relationship, said something about needing therapy again and that he was sorry for treating me this way. It's a hit to my confidence, even though I know rationally that I am a worthy partner, to know that someone doesn't want to be with you burns a little. I'm not sure the 'I need therapy' is genuine, or some kind of excuse to make me feel sorry for him. To be honest, he was starting to strike me as quite a disingenuous person - one dimensional. I felt there were depths missing, or at least he was not capable of relating very deeply.We have to drop our defences to connect with people, so we can either be cold robots and not connect or stand a chance of falling in love and risk being hurt. I have to say it does get easier, although I have been pretty blue this week, knowing it gets better helps. Also, I am turning 34 this summer, so I don't have the luxury of time to be melancholy. Joking, not joking.