How to encourage my(31F) husband(29M) to help/show empathy?

We've been married for 2 years, together for 5. We have a 3 month old son. Our son had colic for the first 2 months but is finally sleeping longer and rarely cries anymore, but can be fussy and demanding.

My husband works 45 hours a week in 4 days and is often gone for 2-4 hours occassionally on weeknights and weekends taking lessons to further his career.

I went back to work part time a month ago and will be going back full time in a week. I'm afraid that I won't be able to manage it all once I go back full time. The housework, caring for baby, and managing the nanny/daycare schedule when I'm at work.

I've been solely getting up with our son at night, sometimes up to 5x a night, I'm exhausted and feel so alone in raising him. My husband will occassionally help change a diaper but I really have to beg or ask 3x before he "hears" me or gets up.

He often ignores my requests or gets upset when I ask for help. He is tired, I'm tired. Whenever I tell him how I feel he ignores me and says it's my job right now. Im tired of nagging him to help around the house. Often I am rushing every morning to get out the door to work and I'm so embarrassed when our caregiver is cleaning our house during the day. How do I ask for help without him getting upset and retaliating in anger?

He has also started telling me that things are/aren't happening, even though I know he's wrong. For example, he'll ask "what time did you get up with the kid last night?" I'll say "oh, 1am, 3am and 5:30am." He'll often say " you didn't get up at 3am, I didn't hear you." I'll argue that I have been getting up and he tells me I'm confused and tired and must be mistaken. Or another example I talk to him and he often ignores me, and I'll ask him to respond and he'll be upset and yell "I did respond, you didn't hear me!" Even though he most certainly was silent, I even recorded a conversation to show him he didn't respond and he called me crazy for recording it, instead of admitting he didn't respond. The same for chores, he'll claim he did the dishes and didnt, while I did them.

I'm going crazy. I need sleep and I need my partner to participate in parenting and taking care of our home. But Im met with defensiveness and gaslighting. How the heck do I confront/change this??

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 03:57PM

We've been married for 2 years, together for 5. We have a 3 month old son. Our son had colic for the first 2 months but is finally sleeping longer and rarely cries anymore, but can be fussy and demanding.My husband works 45 hours a week in 4 days and is often gone for 2-4 hours occassionally on weeknights and weekends taking lessons to further his career.I went back to work part time a month ago and will be going back full time in a week. I'm afraid that I won't be able to manage it all once I go back full time. The housework, caring for baby, and managing the nanny/daycare schedule when I'm at work.I've been solely getting up with our son at night, sometimes up to 5x a night, I'm exhausted and feel so alone in raising him. My husband will occassionally help change a diaper but I really have to beg or ask 3x before he "hears" me or gets up.He often ignores my requests or gets upset when I ask for help. He is tired, I'm tired. Whenever I tell him how I feel he ignores me and says it's my job right now. Im tired of nagging him to help around the house. Often I am rushing every morning to get out the door to work and I'm so embarrassed when our caregiver is cleaning our house during the day. How do I ask for help without him getting upset and retaliating in anger?He has also started telling me that things are/aren't happening, even though I know he's wrong. For example, he'll ask "what time did you get up with the kid last night?" I'll say "oh, 1am, 3am and 5:30am." He'll often say " you didn't get up at 3am, I didn't hear you." I'll argue that I have been getting up and he tells me I'm confused and tired and must be mistaken. Or another example I talk to him and he often ignores me, and I'll ask him to respond and he'll be upset and yell "I did respond, you didn't hear me!" Even though he most certainly was silent, I even recorded a conversation to show him he didn't respond and he called me crazy for recording it, instead of admitting he didn't respond. The same for chores, he'll claim he did the dishes and didnt, while I did them.I'm going crazy. I need sleep and I need my partner to participate in parenting and taking care of our home. But Im met with defensiveness and gaslighting. How the heck do I confront/change this??