I fell for my "straight" friend.

I don't even know how I got to this point, that i'm actually writing a Reddit post (I've been an observer for my entire life) but i feel like this is something that I want to get it off my chest since i have no one to talk to.

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Before I start, a bit about me and my sexuality; I'm in my mid 20's, probably bi (trying to figure out), Grew up in a really christian strict family and a society where being anything else than a masculine jerk is considered unacceptable, so you know, I have a lot of emotions and personality traits buried deep down that it actually turned me into a masculine dude who doesn't know what he's attracted to (or just doesn't accept the reality).

I've had relationships both with men and women (sex included), and to be completely honest, they're almost equal to me. I feel like i'm more connected on an emotional level to women but sexually to men ? or maybe not, idk.

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Ok, now to the story. When I moved here, a former friend of mine who I'm really close to introduced me to his friends, one of who is the guy that i'm going to talk about (let's call him Jake just for the sake of it). Jake is the most straightest and masculine person you would ever meet. Our friendship was below average at the beginning, not talked to much, never went deep into each others personal lives and etc. We only hung around with 2 of our other friends, never alone but kinda went along better than our other 2 friends. I've noticed some stuff about him (stuff that questions his masculinity) but never took it seriously because I personally was not interested in him AT ALL, never thought or looked at him that way. A year passes by, I go on one month vacation and that's when I realized I am in deep sh*t. I realized that my life is missing something but struggled to figure out what until I came back from my vacation and saw Jake for the first time. It's like my subconscious was falling for him a bit by bit. I felt connected to him, his presence game me comfort, just thinking of him was equally peaceful and depressing. Peaceful because you know, love and etc and depressing because whatever I was feeling can never result in anything good. I can never end up with him even tho lets say he came out or opened up to me, It just feels wrong for me to be with another dude although he's the only thing that matters and the only thing that I can think of (yes, I fell for him REALLY badly).

Some examples of what he did that made me question if there is really a connection between us; I've noticed that I tend to touch someone a lot when they're the only thing that I think of, it's like uncontrollable, you accidentally touch them while talking or laughing but was that really an accident? don't think so. He would do the same but more. He calls me almost everyday, even though there is no reason to call. The touching get would get severe especially while drunk (I came up with a theory that alcohol kind of put his guard down, somehow his subconscious was taking more control? idk.) He would always want me to drop off my other friends first so me and him can talk in the car alone for hours. He was overly concerned about what I do with other people and in my regular daily life.

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I started to let my guard down and be free with him at least, to get to a conclusion, but never got anywhere. He started asking about my sexuality a lot lately, but I've been denying that question myself.

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I've had similar situations before but not like this, I have been attracted to a friend or someone I know that I cannot end up with, but dealt with it easily, just convinced my self that this is just a waste of time.

This time tho, this time was different because I felt a repulsive connection from him too.

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It has been exactly a year since I went on my vacation, which means I've been feeling this peace and torture for almost a year now. I'm getting nowhere. I tried to forget about him but the only way to do this is to stay away from him (which I did for a month but that just killed both of us, it was devastating).

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I know the smallest details about him, I can tell you about him more than he can about himself. I paid attention to details without realizing it. I fell for him, really badly.

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I want to move on, But this time, and only this time, I feel like this connection is to good to just go to waste. I kinda feel like he's dealing with this too, just not on my level (I'm kinda more open minded about sexuality that it's ok for me to acknowledge some of these stuff). I can sometimes see his pain too, his confusion and his emotions. I feel like we're both stuck in a place that is divided with a really thin line that we cannot cross, at least not in this dimension.

​

I'm now currently getting really into subconscious studies, dreams, emotions, and it;s helping me to understand a bit more. But yet again, this is not taking me anywhere. I see him every single day, i go though this every day, i wake up thinking about him and feeling like shit. I feel like i'm wasting time but I still don't want to give up. I just don't want to give up.

​

Jake would most probably turn into another memory buried deep down, but I know for a fact, that the past year has been my best and worst year. I'm going on another one month vacation to the same place in a week. I don't know whats going to happen but the ride was hela crazy.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 07:08PM

I don't even know how I got to this point, that i'm actually writing a Reddit post (I've been an observer for my entire life) but i feel like this is something that I want to get it off my chest since i have no one to talk to.​Before I start, a bit about me and my sexuality; I'm in my mid 20's, probably bi (trying to figure out), Grew up in a really christian strict family and a society where being anything else than a masculine jerk is considered unacceptable, so you know, I have a lot of emotions and personality traits buried deep down that it actually turned me into a masculine dude who doesn't know what he's attracted to (or just doesn't accept the reality).I've had relationships both with men and women (sex included), and to be completely honest, they're almost equal to me. I feel like i'm more connected on an emotional level to women but sexually to men ? or maybe not, idk.​Ok, now to the story. When I moved here, a former friend of mine who I'm really close to introduced me to his friends, one of who is the guy that i'm going to talk about (let's call him Jake just for the sake of it). Jake is the most straightest and masculine person you would ever meet. Our friendship was below average at the beginning, not talked to much, never went deep into each others personal lives and etc. We only hung around with 2 of our other friends, never alone but kinda went along better than our other 2 friends. I've noticed some stuff about him (stuff that questions his masculinity) but never took it seriously because I personally was not interested in him AT ALL, never thought or looked at him that way. A year passes by, I go on one month vacation and that's when I realized I am in deep sh*t. I realized that my life is missing something but struggled to figure out what until I came back from my vacation and saw Jake for the first time. It's like my subconscious was falling for him a bit by bit. I felt connected to him, his presence game me comfort, just thinking of him was equally peaceful and depressing. Peaceful because you know, love and etc and depressing because whatever I was feeling can never result in anything good. I can never end up with him even tho lets say he came out or opened up to me, It just feels wrong for me to be with another dude although he's the only thing that matters and the only thing that I can think of (yes, I fell for him REALLY badly).Some examples of what he did that made me question if there is really a connection between us; I've noticed that I tend to touch someone a lot when they're the only thing that I think of, it's like uncontrollable, you accidentally touch them while talking or laughing but was that really an accident? don't think so. He would do the same but more. He calls me almost everyday, even though there is no reason to call. The touching get would get severe especially while drunk (I came up with a theory that alcohol kind of put his guard down, somehow his subconscious was taking more control? idk.) He would always want me to drop off my other friends first so me and him can talk in the car alone for hours. He was overly concerned about what I do with other people and in my regular daily life.​I started to let my guard down and be free with him at least, to get to a conclusion, but never got anywhere. He started asking about my sexuality a lot lately, but I've been denying that question myself.​I've had similar situations before but not like this, I have been attracted to a friend or someone I know that I cannot end up with, but dealt with it easily, just convinced my self that this is just a waste of time.This time tho, this time was different because I felt a repulsive connection from him too.​It has been exactly a year since I went on my vacation, which means I've been feeling this peace and torture for almost a year now. I'm getting nowhere. I tried to forget about him but the only way to do this is to stay away from him (which I did for a month but that just killed both of us, it was devastating).​I know the smallest details about him, I can tell you about him more than he can about himself. I paid attention to details without realizing it. I fell for him, really badly.​I want to move on, But this time, and only this time, I feel like this connection is to good to just go to waste. I kinda feel like he's dealing with this too, just not on my level (I'm kinda more open minded about sexuality that it's ok for me to acknowledge some of these stuff). I can sometimes see his pain too, his confusion and his emotions. I feel like we're both stuck in a place that is divided with a really thin line that we cannot cross, at least not in this dimension.​I'm now currently getting really into subconscious studies, dreams, emotions, and it;s helping me to understand a bit more. But yet again, this is not taking me anywhere. I see him every single day, i go though this every day, i wake up thinking about him and feeling like shit. I feel like i'm wasting time but I still don't want to give up. I just don't want to give up.​Jake would most probably turn into another memory buried deep down, but I know for a fact, that the past year has been my best and worst year. I'm going on another one month vacation to the same place in a week. I don't know whats going to happen but the ride was hela crazy.