Trust

I don’t know where to go to ask for help anymore. My therapist hasn’t been connecting me on a human level much and she tells me what the right things to do are, but of course I know those things. I don’t think she understands that I just want to know for sure if this guy loves me or not. I can make all my decisions accordingly if I just knew.

The problem is I can’t seem to trust that anyone truly loves me. I got engaged almost a year ago, but now I feel like I am making a mistake. I’m not sure if he loves me and it’s always been a topic. You might say well he proposed, but he is just that type of guy. Happy go lucky. He doesn’t really put much thought into things. I think that’s just who he is. For example, he ordered flowers for me on amazon for my birthday and he didn’t even know which ones he ordered that when the ones my aunt sent me arrived (not from amazon) he thought it was the ones he ordered for me.

I can’t trust myself because I’ve never experience unconditional love (yes, my family is included in this.) I don’t really know what love is supposed to be like when somebody else loves you. Maybe all the small things he forgets and doesn’t put thought into doesn’t mean anything about his love for me... but to me it feels like he doesn’t care. My therapist says that’s just how men are. Idk. I’ve met others who weren’t like this.

I really love this person and I gave up a lot for this relationship. I don’t want to stay if this person doesn’t truly love me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. A lot of it is probably hurt I’m doing to myself because I’m not sure if this person loves me. I’m pretty much scared shitless that I am fucking my whole life over for some guy who doesn’t even love me.

I know everyone has their flaws, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am just arm candy or that he is just lonely. His ex had said to him that he doesn’t love me but he just wants a nurse.

More info about him is that he is 32 years older than me and has two kids from his previous marriage. I know the age gap is huge and that I will never have kids and I am also aware that I will be a widow at a young age. As bizarre as it may seem I really love him with all my heart. I am aware I will have to take care of him and probably push a wheelchair around when he’s older. I love him, I would love to do it. I don’t even notice the age difference until we are out and people stare.

I don’t know which would be a mistake.. me staying or me leaving. It’s just that my life will be drastically different if I choose one or the other. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? Should I just be forever alone? I know I have a problem but I am just a product of my environment. Maybe I will be like this forever. Sometimes it seems like love is not worth the effort when at the end people who are supposed to love you leave or turns out they never even loved you at all.

TLDR: not sure if this guy loves me or not so I am afraid I am making a mistake, but I have never experienced unconditional love (which is what I crave) so maybe I am just a flawed person who will always run from love.



Submitted May 25, 2019 at 09:47PM

I don’t know where to go to ask for help anymore. My therapist hasn’t been connecting me on a human level much and she tells me what the right things to do are, but of course I know those things. I don’t think she understands that I just want to know for sure if this guy loves me or not. I can make all my decisions accordingly if I just knew.The problem is I can’t seem to trust that anyone truly loves me. I got engaged almost a year ago, but now I feel like I am making a mistake. I’m not sure if he loves me and it’s always been a topic. You might say well he proposed, but he is just that type of guy. Happy go lucky. He doesn’t really put much thought into things. I think that’s just who he is. For example, he ordered flowers for me on amazon for my birthday and he didn’t even know which ones he ordered that when the ones my aunt sent me arrived (not from amazon) he thought it was the ones he ordered for me.I can’t trust myself because I’ve never experience unconditional love (yes, my family is included in this.) I don’t really know what love is supposed to be like when somebody else loves you. Maybe all the small things he forgets and doesn’t put thought into doesn’t mean anything about his love for me... but to me it feels like he doesn’t care. My therapist says that’s just how men are. Idk. I’ve met others who weren’t like this.I really love this person and I gave up a lot for this relationship. I don’t want to stay if this person doesn’t truly love me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. A lot of it is probably hurt I’m doing to myself because I’m not sure if this person loves me. I’m pretty much scared shitless that I am fucking my whole life over for some guy who doesn’t even love me.I know everyone has their flaws, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am just arm candy or that he is just lonely. His ex had said to him that he doesn’t love me but he just wants a nurse.More info about him is that he is 32 years older than me and has two kids from his previous marriage. I know the age gap is huge and that I will never have kids and I am also aware that I will be a widow at a young age. As bizarre as it may seem I really love him with all my heart. I am aware I will have to take care of him and probably push a wheelchair around when he’s older. I love him, I would love to do it. I don’t even notice the age difference until we are out and people stare.I don’t know which would be a mistake.. me staying or me leaving. It’s just that my life will be drastically different if I choose one or the other. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? Should I just be forever alone? I know I have a problem but I am just a product of my environment. Maybe I will be like this forever. Sometimes it seems like love is not worth the effort when at the end people who are supposed to love you leave or turns out they never even loved you at all.TLDR: not sure if this guy loves me or not so I am afraid I am making a mistake, but I have never experienced unconditional love (which is what I crave) so maybe I am just a flawed person who will always run from love.
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