Trust

I don’t know where to go to ask for help anymore. My therapist hasn’t been connecting me on a human level much and she tells me what the right things to do are, but of course I know those things. I don’t think she understands that I just want to know for sure if this guy loves me or not. I can make all my decisions accordingly if I just knew.

The problem is I can’t seem to trust that anyone truly loves me. I got engaged almost a year ago, but now I feel like I am making a mistake. I’m not sure if he loves me and it’s always been a topic. You might say well he proposed, but he is just that type of guy. Happy go lucky. He doesn’t really put much thought into things. I think that’s just who he is. For example, he ordered flowers for me on amazon for my birthday and he didn’t even know which ones he ordered that when the ones my aunt sent me arrived (not from amazon) he thought it was the ones he ordered for me.

I can’t trust myself because I’ve never experience unconditional love (yes, my family is included in this.) I don’t really know what love is supposed to be like when somebody else loves you. Maybe all the small things he forgets and doesn’t put thought into doesn’t mean anything about his love for me... but to me it feels like he doesn’t care. My therapist says that’s just how men are. Idk. I’ve met others who weren’t like this.

I really love this person and I gave up a lot for this relationship. I don’t want to stay if this person doesn’t truly love me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. A lot of it is probably hurt I’m doing to myself because I’m not sure if this person loves me. I’m pretty much scared shitless that I am fucking my whole life over for some guy who doesn’t even love me.

I know everyone has their flaws, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am just arm candy or that he is just lonely. His ex had said to him that he doesn’t love me but he just wants a nurse.

More info about him is that he is 32 years older than me and has two kids from his previous marriage. I know the age gap is huge and that I will never have kids and I am also aware that I will be a widow at a young age. As bizarre as it may seem I really love him with all my heart. I am aware I will have to take care of him and probably push a wheelchair around when he’s older. I love him, I would love to do it. I don’t even notice the age difference until we are out and people stare.

I don’t know which would be a mistake.. me staying or me leaving. It’s just that my life will be drastically different if I choose one or the other. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? Should I just be forever alone? I know I have a problem but I am just a product of my environment. Maybe I will be like this forever. Sometimes it seems like love is not worth the effort when at the end people who are supposed to love you leave or turns out they never even loved you at all.

TLDR: not sure if this guy loves me or not so I am afraid I am making a mistake, but I have never experienced unconditional love (which is what I crave) so maybe I am just a flawed person who will always run from love.



Submitted May 25, 2019 at 09:47PM

I don’t know where to go to ask for help anymore. My therapist hasn’t been connecting me on a human level much and she tells me what the right things to do are, but of course I know those things. I don’t think she understands that I just want to know for sure if this guy loves me or not. I can make all my decisions accordingly if I just knew.The problem is I can’t seem to trust that anyone truly loves me. I got engaged almost a year ago, but now I feel like I am making a mistake. I’m not sure if he loves me and it’s always been a topic. You might say well he proposed, but he is just that type of guy. Happy go lucky. He doesn’t really put much thought into things. I think that’s just who he is. For example, he ordered flowers for me on amazon for my birthday and he didn’t even know which ones he ordered that when the ones my aunt sent me arrived (not from amazon) he thought it was the ones he ordered for me.I can’t trust myself because I’ve never experience unconditional love (yes, my family is included in this.) I don’t really know what love is supposed to be like when somebody else loves you. Maybe all the small things he forgets and doesn’t put thought into doesn’t mean anything about his love for me... but to me it feels like he doesn’t care. My therapist says that’s just how men are. Idk. I’ve met others who weren’t like this.I really love this person and I gave up a lot for this relationship. I don’t want to stay if this person doesn’t truly love me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. A lot of it is probably hurt I’m doing to myself because I’m not sure if this person loves me. I’m pretty much scared shitless that I am fucking my whole life over for some guy who doesn’t even love me.I know everyone has their flaws, but sometimes I feel like maybe I am just arm candy or that he is just lonely. His ex had said to him that he doesn’t love me but he just wants a nurse.More info about him is that he is 32 years older than me and has two kids from his previous marriage. I know the age gap is huge and that I will never have kids and I am also aware that I will be a widow at a young age. As bizarre as it may seem I really love him with all my heart. I am aware I will have to take care of him and probably push a wheelchair around when he’s older. I love him, I would love to do it. I don’t even notice the age difference until we are out and people stare.I don’t know which would be a mistake.. me staying or me leaving. It’s just that my life will be drastically different if I choose one or the other. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? Should I just be forever alone? I know I have a problem but I am just a product of my environment. Maybe I will be like this forever. Sometimes it seems like love is not worth the effort when at the end people who are supposed to love you leave or turns out they never even loved you at all.TLDR: not sure if this guy loves me or not so I am afraid I am making a mistake, but I have never experienced unconditional love (which is what I crave) so maybe I am just a flawed person who will always run from love.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou
Read more