Just a gush

I can never seem to get her out of my mind. Victoria started as a hopeless crush when I was a sophomore in high school.

Here's a story that i've told few people, I think telling it helps me see how lucky I am, and soothes my itch for creative writing.

​

We were both auditioning for an amateur production of a musical. Honestly? She didn't sing that well, but damn if I didn't hang on to every sound that escaped her lips like as if my life depended on it. I had my heart broken before, and I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship to start, especially one that wouldn't or couldn't last. But when she approached me for the first time, something was different. This creature was different from everyone else. The aura she emitted was very different than mine; kind, selfless, and loving. She greets me with a smile and a hug.

Some background. I went to a private all guys school for both middle and high school. My class is very unified. No one was ever bullied, I always had someone to rely on, and the friends I met there will be close to me for life. Throughout 8th and 9th grade, I had tried my luck with another girl. I think I tricked myself into falling in 'love'. I put quotation marks because I don't think that it was true love. I began to believe the lies I told myself about her. Anyways, long story short, I asked her out and she dropped me like a sack of potatoes. Unfortunately, I have a knack for over-thinking, so it hit me hard. So, naturally, despite the support from my class and generally being emotionally spoiled, I fall into a depression. I start cutting off friends, getting into bad habits, and becoming a very rude, toxic, negative individual. It's at this point where I am walking towards the bottom of the downwards spiral, if you catch my drift.

So, a hug is nice. A friend of ours introduces us to each other, and we go from there. We are both casted as minor/background characters. No big deal. As we begin to meet up for rehearsals, however, being a minor role reveals itself as a blessing. The lead girl was a real bitch seemed difficult to work with, and the director demanded a lot from the star roles. On top of that, there was no need to sit and memorize lines and such with how little our roles were. So, we had some time to ourselves. I believe it is this time that allowed me to fall for her.

It is very hard to explain with words, but Victoria gives off an energy, a vibe, filled with positivity and peace. I remember once that she overheard another girl talking shit about her behind her back, and simply told us that she hope that she can fix whatever made them upset. Like what? Anyone else I know would at least tell them to back off. I find that it takes an extraordinary amount of love to not simply forgive, but sincerely hope the best for a stranger who has wronged you. Even without its contents, her voice produces the same effect. It is so uplifting, I feel as if she's always cheering for me somehow. It's rhythm, it's flow, it is just so appealing. It's the same with her eyes. My Lord, her eyes. The same eyes I dream of at night, that I long to be staring at when I wake up. And yet, no word, no phrase that I know of can accurately portray them. Hazel colored and almond shaped, that twinkle in any form of light. Every time her gaze flickers in my direction I feel as if i've been shot, and it takes all the willpower I can muster to resist dropping dead or staring.

I hated it. My mind was still fresh with my past experience and I was not over it. There was a point where I was actively avoiding Victoria to try to get rid of these feelings. I told myself not to get invested. That these feelings were just more lies that I tell myself so I can try to be happier, and only end up terrorizing my heart. Besides, she had a boyfriend. And even better, he goes to my school. Even if I has the gusto, the gall, the confidence to tell her how I felt, would I really want to do that to one of my friends?

But the heart has a way of pushing back when the mind start to pull away. I do little things, like paying close attention when she speaks, letting every word sink in and understanding it, smiling whenever she draws near, hugging for slightly longer every time we greet. In the musical, there was a point where we interacted with each other for a brief moment. It became my favorite part of the show. Each time we did it I would stare directly into her eyes. It was supposed to be a tense moment, so it fit into character. Or at least, that was the excuse I used.

Even when she wasn't around, she became a part of everything I do. I clearly remember a time where she was on my mind at all times. I dream of her at night when I sleep, when I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when i'm making coffee, etc. In a way, I started to imitate her. I think, What would Victoria do in this situation?, and things like that.

This is the reason I am so lucky to know her. In a strange way, this borderline obsession I had with her helped me transform into a better person. I thought of her as an angel, an angel that I try to replicate. She would always go out of her way to make people happy, be so kind and forgiving, and always be happy and radiant. I mirrored it, and in return, became a happier person myself. She dragged me out of the negative state I was in.

In a similar vein, she also impacted my faith. I don't like to talk about religion, but Victoria is an ardent Catholic. When the show was on its feet and ready to present, she gathered the whole cast and crew before every performance and prayed with us. I have never, ever, seen someone so passionate about a religion as she is. She would always thank God for the opportunity to meet each and every one of us first and foremost. I had never been into practicing faith and such.

Back on track, towards the end of the show, there was some pretty big drama. Apparently, she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with one of the choir girls. Bombshell. She kept her emotion under wraps, and they split up quietly. I only found out about it after the musical was over. And now, she's single, and with the show over, I couldn't see her almost every day like I used to. Everything seemed to have happened so quickly.

It was about half a year later when I saw her again. I hated the fact that I could not get over her. Even through an action-packed summer, she was always there, somewhere, in the back of my mind. Any time I was alone too long, my thoughts would drift towards the same place. I was already reaping the benefits of knowing her, however. Once again I became social, and had a newfound motivation to keep on keeping on. I even picked up my grades towards the end of the school year.

Once again, I went to audition for an ametuar musical, and guess who shows up? Needless to say, Victoria and I had a lot to catch up on. I have a personal journal (it's not a diary!) entry about how much I told her, and yet failed to express how I really felt. She did a complete 180 from breaking up and took it like a champ. My mind also got a reminder of how hopeless I am, and how much I owed to her. It was like a slap to the face with the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen. We were both invited to callbacks the day after. I remember her being very nervous. In fact, after her callback audition, I saw her sitting on a bench outside, looking like a sad little puppy.

As you can probably tell by now, i'm not the most ballsy guy. If I was watching a movie about my life, I would have shouted "Just ask her out already!" a billion times by now. So, completely out of character, I sit next to her and ask her to pray with me. I still wasn't religious at all, but seeing her sad like that wretched my heart in an ugly and disgusting way. Everything she told me and everyone else when they were down crept back up to me. I think it really helped her out, and it felt really good to do so. I didn't see much else of her that night, but she texted me the next day saying how much she appreciated the gesture. To this day, I go back and read that text when i'm not feeling so good about myself.

Victoria didn't get casted. I got one of the lead roles, and had plenty of lines and blocking to practice. But I decided to not lose connection with her again. We had a group in common to hang out with, and we made plans pretty often. I never asked her out separately. I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. And I figured that she deserves someone better than me. It is a mentality that I will always regret having.

Despite this, the dreams and thoughts never faded away. She's always a part of me and everything I do. People tell me sometimes that i'm such a good friend, and how I always do good things and such. In reality, it was Victoria that molded me to be that way. I take the complements and smile, but deep inside, I know it's just another thing to owe to her.

She taught me how to love someone else, and what it really means to love. The dreams I had about sex and romance faded away, and instead, simply the person took the place of it. No longer was I infatuated or obsessed with things like her body or simply her personality. But now, I dream of the whole person. It's quite hard to describe, but the feeling is present with everyone I love, not just her. Even still, however, it was hard not to love someone without thinking of Victoria.

I will never forget the time I sat across from her in a pizza parlor. Our whole group was there. One of my best friends sat next to her. She had her arm on his the whole time. When we all left, they hugged for a long time before letting go. It was pretty clear what was going on.

Did it hurt? Of course, it did. I felt like a red hot chain was being pulled from the center of my chest, yanking my heart with it. I threw up when I got home. But I could not say that I felt bad about the whole thing. After all, it was like a wish coming true. I knew the guy for years, and I knew they would be happy together. I get the best of both worlds, we're all happy and close to each other. The worst part about the whole ordeal is that, while everything was settled, my heart didn't believe it. I should be happy, right? I fall in love, become a better person, and the loose end is tied up. Everyone is happy, except me.

Unfortunately, there is not much to tell after that. We are all graduated now, and off our separate ways. Victoria and her boyfriend are in a happy, loving relationship. I told her that I had a crush on her and had gotten over it. It's something we all laugh at now. But, even after all these years, she never escapes my mind, my thoughts, and my dreams. It's still the same eyes that I long to be staring into when I wake up. Despite all of this, though, I will be forever grateful that, because of this experience, I have grown to be a better person, and experienced the true definition of love.

I love you, Victoria. Thank you for everything.

​

Thank you for enduring this sappy, poorly written story. If I had a moral, it would be to always dwell on what you gain, rather than what you lost.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 11:49PM

I can never seem to get her out of my mind. Victoria started as a hopeless crush when I was a sophomore in high school.Here's a story that i've told few people, I think telling it helps me see how lucky I am, and soothes my itch for creative writing.​We were both auditioning for an amateur production of a musical. Honestly? She didn't sing that well, but damn if I didn't hang on to every sound that escaped her lips like as if my life depended on it. I had my heart broken before, and I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship to start, especially one that wouldn't or couldn't last. But when she approached me for the first time, something was different. This creature was different from everyone else. The aura she emitted was very different than mine; kind, selfless, and loving. She greets me with a smile and a hug.Some background. I went to a private all guys school for both middle and high school. My class is very unified. No one was ever bullied, I always had someone to rely on, and the friends I met there will be close to me for life. Throughout 8th and 9th grade, I had tried my luck with another girl. I think I tricked myself into falling in 'love'. I put quotation marks because I don't think that it was true love. I began to believe the lies I told myself about her. Anyways, long story short, I asked her out and she dropped me like a sack of potatoes. Unfortunately, I have a knack for over-thinking, so it hit me hard. So, naturally, despite the support from my class and generally being emotionally spoiled, I fall into a depression. I start cutting off friends, getting into bad habits, and becoming a very rude, toxic, negative individual. It's at this point where I am walking towards the bottom of the downwards spiral, if you catch my drift.So, a hug is nice. A friend of ours introduces us to each other, and we go from there. We are both casted as minor/background characters. No big deal. As we begin to meet up for rehearsals, however, being a minor role reveals itself as a blessing. The lead girl was a real bitch seemed difficult to work with, and the director demanded a lot from the star roles. On top of that, there was no need to sit and memorize lines and such with how little our roles were. So, we had some time to ourselves. I believe it is this time that allowed me to fall for her.It is very hard to explain with words, but Victoria gives off an energy, a vibe, filled with positivity and peace. I remember once that she overheard another girl talking shit about her behind her back, and simply told us that she hope that she can fix whatever made them upset. Like what? Anyone else I know would at least tell them to back off. I find that it takes an extraordinary amount of love to not simply forgive, but sincerely hope the best for a stranger who has wronged you. Even without its contents, her voice produces the same effect. It is so uplifting, I feel as if she's always cheering for me somehow. It's rhythm, it's flow, it is just so appealing. It's the same with her eyes. My Lord, her eyes. The same eyes I dream of at night, that I long to be staring at when I wake up. And yet, no word, no phrase that I know of can accurately portray them. Hazel colored and almond shaped, that twinkle in any form of light. Every time her gaze flickers in my direction I feel as if i've been shot, and it takes all the willpower I can muster to resist dropping dead or staring.I hated it. My mind was still fresh with my past experience and I was not over it. There was a point where I was actively avoiding Victoria to try to get rid of these feelings. I told myself not to get invested. That these feelings were just more lies that I tell myself so I can try to be happier, and only end up terrorizing my heart. Besides, she had a boyfriend. And even better, he goes to my school. Even if I has the gusto, the gall, the confidence to tell her how I felt, would I really want to do that to one of my friends?But the heart has a way of pushing back when the mind start to pull away. I do little things, like paying close attention when she speaks, letting every word sink in and understanding it, smiling whenever she draws near, hugging for slightly longer every time we greet. In the musical, there was a point where we interacted with each other for a brief moment. It became my favorite part of the show. Each time we did it I would stare directly into her eyes. It was supposed to be a tense moment, so it fit into character. Or at least, that was the excuse I used.Even when she wasn't around, she became a part of everything I do. I clearly remember a time where she was on my mind at all times. I dream of her at night when I sleep, when I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when i'm making coffee, etc. In a way, I started to imitate her. I think, What would Victoria do in this situation?, and things like that.This is the reason I am so lucky to know her. In a strange way, this borderline obsession I had with her helped me transform into a better person. I thought of her as an angel, an angel that I try to replicate. She would always go out of her way to make people happy, be so kind and forgiving, and always be happy and radiant. I mirrored it, and in return, became a happier person myself. She dragged me out of the negative state I was in.In a similar vein, she also impacted my faith. I don't like to talk about religion, but Victoria is an ardent Catholic. When the show was on its feet and ready to present, she gathered the whole cast and crew before every performance and prayed with us. I have never, ever, seen someone so passionate about a religion as she is. She would always thank God for the opportunity to meet each and every one of us first and foremost. I had never been into practicing faith and such.Back on track, towards the end of the show, there was some pretty big drama. Apparently, she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with one of the choir girls. Bombshell. She kept her emotion under wraps, and they split up quietly. I only found out about it after the musical was over. And now, she's single, and with the show over, I couldn't see her almost every day like I used to. Everything seemed to have happened so quickly.It was about half a year later when I saw her again. I hated the fact that I could not get over her. Even through an action-packed summer, she was always there, somewhere, in the back of my mind. Any time I was alone too long, my thoughts would drift towards the same place. I was already reaping the benefits of knowing her, however. Once again I became social, and had a newfound motivation to keep on keeping on. I even picked up my grades towards the end of the school year.Once again, I went to audition for an ametuar musical, and guess who shows up? Needless to say, Victoria and I had a lot to catch up on. I have a personal journal (it's not a diary!) entry about how much I told her, and yet failed to express how I really felt. She did a complete 180 from breaking up and took it like a champ. My mind also got a reminder of how hopeless I am, and how much I owed to her. It was like a slap to the face with the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen. We were both invited to callbacks the day after. I remember her being very nervous. In fact, after her callback audition, I saw her sitting on a bench outside, looking like a sad little puppy.As you can probably tell by now, i'm not the most ballsy guy. If I was watching a movie about my life, I would have shouted "Just ask her out already!" a billion times by now. So, completely out of character, I sit next to her and ask her to pray with me. I still wasn't religious at all, but seeing her sad like that wretched my heart in an ugly and disgusting way. Everything she told me and everyone else when they were down crept back up to me. I think it really helped her out, and it felt really good to do so. I didn't see much else of her that night, but she texted me the next day saying how much she appreciated the gesture. To this day, I go back and read that text when i'm not feeling so good about myself.Victoria didn't get casted. I got one of the lead roles, and had plenty of lines and blocking to practice. But I decided to not lose connection with her again. We had a group in common to hang out with, and we made plans pretty often. I never asked her out separately. I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. And I figured that she deserves someone better than me. It is a mentality that I will always regret having.Despite this, the dreams and thoughts never faded away. She's always a part of me and everything I do. People tell me sometimes that i'm such a good friend, and how I always do good things and such. In reality, it was Victoria that molded me to be that way. I take the complements and smile, but deep inside, I know it's just another thing to owe to her.She taught me how to love someone else, and what it really means to love. The dreams I had about sex and romance faded away, and instead, simply the person took the place of it. No longer was I infatuated or obsessed with things like her body or simply her personality. But now, I dream of the whole person. It's quite hard to describe, but the feeling is present with everyone I love, not just her. Even still, however, it was hard not to love someone without thinking of Victoria.I will never forget the time I sat across from her in a pizza parlor. Our whole group was there. One of my best friends sat next to her. She had her arm on his the whole time. When we all left, they hugged for a long time before letting go. It was pretty clear what was going on.Did it hurt? Of course, it did. I felt like a red hot chain was being pulled from the center of my chest, yanking my heart with it. I threw up when I got home. But I could not say that I felt bad about the whole thing. After all, it was like a wish coming true. I knew the guy for years, and I knew they would be happy together. I get the best of both worlds, we're all happy and close to each other. The worst part about the whole ordeal is that, while everything was settled, my heart didn't believe it. I should be happy, right? I fall in love, become a better person, and the loose end is tied up. Everyone is happy, except me.Unfortunately, there is not much to tell after that. We are all graduated now, and off our separate ways. Victoria and her boyfriend are in a happy, loving relationship. I told her that I had a crush on her and had gotten over it. It's something we all laugh at now. But, even after all these years, she never escapes my mind, my thoughts, and my dreams. It's still the same eyes that I long to be staring into when I wake up. Despite all of this, though, I will be forever grateful that, because of this experience, I have grown to be a better person, and experienced the true definition of love.I love you, Victoria. Thank you for everything.​Thank you for enduring this sappy, poorly written story. If I had a moral, it would be to always dwell on what you gain, rather than what you lost.