Do I stay or do I go?

TLDR: I love someone deeply, and we are on completely different emotional wavelengths. Deep emotional connection is a non-negotiable for me; and at this point in time he is resistant to growing. Do I stay or do I go? P.S I love him a lot.

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My main questions are:

- How do I support him in developing empathy (since my previous methods are not working) ; and is it my responsibility to be a catalyst of change?

- What do I do if I feel that he is so resistant to dealing with this (he has an avoidant personality)? Is it a sign for me to walk away?

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I [26F] have been dating my boyfriend [26M] for just over a year now.

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I had known of him through our previous job, and had met him twice in past before being meeting him properly at my friend's house party. The chemistry was undeniable, however at that time I was in another relationship. I had a mild crush on him from afar, and thought he was a funny and charming. Fast forward a year and a half, we bump into each other at a music festival and the conversations continue after the festival finishes. The conversations are non-stop and full of energy. A month after the festival, we are officially dating and madly in love. He was sending me heartfelt, loving messages about his devotion, adoration, love for me every single day. He was curious about me, gave me verbal reassurance all the time, shared music and movies with me, talked about how much he looked forward to being with me for the rest of our lives and was going a above and beyond. By that I mean = finding events (movies, seeing a comedian) for us to do on our days off, writing letters and posting them to my house, sending my selfies throughout the day (just cute tingz), bringing me flowers to work (we live 1.5 hour drive away from each other), and just figuring out when I'm free and actively finding stuff for us to do. I am a hopeless romantic, and have always known I was. So I thought I finally met my match and I was going insane with the romantic gestures too.

​

Only recently I have discovered that we are on very different levels, emotionally. He has a tough time acknowledging my emotions / his too. He doesn't seem to know how to empathise with me or anyone else. Initially I was committed to teaching him how to develop/show empathy. I was sending him great resources I would find online, and he would only read after the fourth time I asked. I would bring it up in conversation and he would say he's too tired to talk about it. The only time we can really talk about it is when it's happening mid miscommunication - when I feel like he is not listening to me and giving me unsolicited advice. I would have to put aside my pain, frustration or whatever emotion I am feeling, swallow my ego, and kindly and diplomatically explain the situation and suggest more appropriate ways to approach. He responds with hostility, he's passive aggressive, and says that he is feeling attacked. This goes around in circles and we never end up addressing my pain, we just agree to disagree that 'empathy' is something he needs to work on. We've had a handful of these conversations and they are really painful and exhausting. Because I feel like I am the only one trying to fix this, and he just meets these talks with frustration. Says things like "this is so draining, I'm tired", and talks in a passive aggressive tone. We're just so different emotionally, and I struggle to connect with him on this level.

​

I'm aware that I do come with emotional baggage (like many people I'm assuming), but I am very introspective and aware of my emotions, and I am dedicated to self-healing and self-development. My partner does not have the same dedication to understanding 'self' and liberating himself from his past.

​

And on top of that, the effort and romantic gestures has completely dropped off. Because of our current living situations, I drive to see him in the city where he works (40 minute drive from me) about once a week, and on the weekends I drive to his house (1.5 hours away) and stay over. It's the only way we can have alone time. Sometimes when I go over he falls asleep; I get that he's tired but when I have to drive 3 hours + pay for petrol and toll to spend time with him, it gets pretty frustrating and I get upset. I'm a student and he works full time, and earns about 2-3 times more than me but I am somehow paying more for things. Most my money goes towards my car and supporting my family, and I am left with very little disposable income. Saving is impossible. Whereas he is extremely lucky and 90% of his income goes into savings. To get to his house I also pay a toll fee which is about $14 both ways - something he has never had to pay. I guess since I don't feel like we have a deep emotional connection, all these little things are adding up.

​

Ideally, I would love for him to get in touch with his emotions. Deal with his past. And learn how that is impacting on him now - how this effects his temperament and behaviour. How it seeps into our relationship.

​

I know I've focused a lot on the issues, other than the things I have addressed things are great. He is loyal, he makes me laugh, if I ask him to do something for me he will, we have chemistry, he keeps me in my lane, he really is a good guy. I really don't know I can go on forever and ever and still feel unsure about how to handle this situation. I guess because I'm the one in the picture it's hard to be objective, which is why I'm asking for advice here.

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I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read / process this and give me advice.

Submitted May 26, 2019 at 06:01AM

TLDR: I love someone deeply, and we are on completely different emotional wavelengths. Deep emotional connection is a non-negotiable for me; and at this point in time he is resistant to growing. Do I stay or do I go? P.S I love him a lot.​My main questions are:- How do I support him in developing empathy (since my previous methods are not working) ; and is it my responsibility to be a catalyst of change?- What do I do if I feel that he is so resistant to dealing with this (he has an avoidant personality)? Is it a sign for me to walk away?​I [26F] have been dating my boyfriend [26M] for just over a year now.​I had known of him through our previous job, and had met him twice in past before being meeting him properly at my friend's house party. The chemistry was undeniable, however at that time I was in another relationship. I had a mild crush on him from afar, and thought he was a funny and charming. Fast forward a year and a half, we bump into each other at a music festival and the conversations continue after the festival finishes. The conversations are non-stop and full of energy. A month after the festival, we are officially dating and madly in love. He was sending me heartfelt, loving messages about his devotion, adoration, love for me every single day. He was curious about me, gave me verbal reassurance all the time, shared music and movies with me, talked about how much he looked forward to being with me for the rest of our lives and was going a above and beyond. By that I mean = finding events (movies, seeing a comedian) for us to do on our days off, writing letters and posting them to my house, sending my selfies throughout the day (just cute tingz), bringing me flowers to work (we live 1.5 hour drive away from each other), and just figuring out when I'm free and actively finding stuff for us to do. I am a hopeless romantic, and have always known I was. So I thought I finally met my match and I was going insane with the romantic gestures too.​Only recently I have discovered that we are on very different levels, emotionally. He has a tough time acknowledging my emotions / his too. He doesn't seem to know how to empathise with me or anyone else. Initially I was committed to teaching him how to develop/show empathy. I was sending him great resources I would find online, and he would only read after the fourth time I asked. I would bring it up in conversation and he would say he's too tired to talk about it. The only time we can really talk about it is when it's happening mid miscommunication - when I feel like he is not listening to me and giving me unsolicited advice. I would have to put aside my pain, frustration or whatever emotion I am feeling, swallow my ego, and kindly and diplomatically explain the situation and suggest more appropriate ways to approach. He responds with hostility, he's passive aggressive, and says that he is feeling attacked. This goes around in circles and we never end up addressing my pain, we just agree to disagree that 'empathy' is something he needs to work on. We've had a handful of these conversations and they are really painful and exhausting. Because I feel like I am the only one trying to fix this, and he just meets these talks with frustration. Says things like "this is so draining, I'm tired", and talks in a passive aggressive tone. We're just so different emotionally, and I struggle to connect with him on this level.​I'm aware that I do come with emotional baggage (like many people I'm assuming), but I am very introspective and aware of my emotions, and I am dedicated to self-healing and self-development. My partner does not have the same dedication to understanding 'self' and liberating himself from his past.​And on top of that, the effort and romantic gestures has completely dropped off. Because of our current living situations, I drive to see him in the city where he works (40 minute drive from me) about once a week, and on the weekends I drive to his house (1.5 hours away) and stay over. It's the only way we can have alone time. Sometimes when I go over he falls asleep; I get that he's tired but when I have to drive 3 hours + pay for petrol and toll to spend time with him, it gets pretty frustrating and I get upset. I'm a student and he works full time, and earns about 2-3 times more than me but I am somehow paying more for things. Most my money goes towards my car and supporting my family, and I am left with very little disposable income. Saving is impossible. Whereas he is extremely lucky and 90% of his income goes into savings. To get to his house I also pay a toll fee which is about $14 both ways - something he has never had to pay. I guess since I don't feel like we have a deep emotional connection, all these little things are adding up.​Ideally, I would love for him to get in touch with his emotions. Deal with his past. And learn how that is impacting on him now - how this effects his temperament and behaviour. How it seeps into our relationship.​I know I've focused a lot on the issues, other than the things I have addressed things are great. He is loyal, he makes me laugh, if I ask him to do something for me he will, we have chemistry, he keeps me in my lane, he really is a good guy. I really don't know I can go on forever and ever and still feel unsure about how to handle this situation. I guess because I'm the one in the picture it's hard to be objective, which is why I'm asking for advice here.​I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read / process this and give me advice.