We both screwed up.

I (33/m) started dating my GF (32/f) about a year and a half ago. We had been friends for years, and finally kissed and went out to dinner to talk about us. She sat me down and said that because we were friends, that there would be no games.

Things progressed, and about a month later I reiterated to her that this was an exclusive relationship, and she agreed. About a month or two later, she told me she loved me, and I repeated it back about a week later. I really meant it.

I then started to tell her how I saw a future with her, and she said the same. I eventually moved into her apartment.

A few months ago, we went to a wedding, and while getting ready, we were talking and something came up - I asked how she had heard of it, and she told me a past fling's name as if I wasn't aware of who he was. I later caught them snapchat texting each other. I was at her friend's wedding, and I didn't make a big deal of it. The next weekend, I told her how I had a dream she was cheating on me and that I hadn't been able to sleep, and a few weeks later I confronted her about the whole thing.

She lied to me about the texting until I told her that I had seen it. She said they were selfish flirty text messages, but that there was no sexting and they definitely did not meet up. We fought constantly about this, because I felt like she was holding back additional details. She later told me that he would text every once in a while looking to meet up, she would acknowledge, and kind of let it go for a few but never meet up. He was aware of my existence.

For months I never let this fight go, but moved into a new apartment because we thought the old confining space (studio) was causing a lot of friction. We then moved into a nicer 1b and eventually I snooped in her phone. I found out that on the night of our very first date, she went home and eventually met up with him for a late-night hookup. I was devastated. I confronted her about this and she admitted to it, despite the fact that I had asked her specifically when her last time seeing him was (she always replied, before we started). Apparently, her definition of when we started was different from mine, and I've asked her to move out of the apartment we share. She does not want this relationship to end, but I did. We've both told our friends and family. It's not great.

Two days after she moved out, I brought a stranger home to sleep with me. It was a revenge move, and I should note that my GF bought the bed frame and the mattress.

I met with one of her friends last night to discuss, and she said that she knows she made a mistake with the flirty texts, and had only come to the realization after our initial fight about them that they were extremely hurtful. The first night, she says, should be old news and we weren't technically together, but it is incredibly embarrassing for me and she acknowledged that. The old guy had a grip on my GF, and she was never really able to break the habit fully (of texting, thinking about him every once in a while) until I confronted her and told her that the relationship was ending. To her credit, her friend says she has changed a lot since then and I see it too.

I'm having second thoughts about everything, and I think my plan is to tell her about the hookup if she wants to continue the relationship, but I can't yet. Despite my trust issues with her, I think it could send her down a spiral. I'm aware of how hypocritical I am being.

Any advice on how to move forward?

Submitted April 18, 2019 at 07:22PM

I (33/m) started dating my GF (32/f) about a year and a half ago. We had been friends for years, and finally kissed and went out to dinner to talk about us. She sat me down and said that because we were friends, that there would be no games.Things progressed, and about a month later I reiterated to her that this was an exclusive relationship, and she agreed. About a month or two later, she told me she loved me, and I repeated it back about a week later. I really meant it.I then started to tell her how I saw a future with her, and she said the same. I eventually moved into her apartment.A few months ago, we went to a wedding, and while getting ready, we were talking and something came up - I asked how she had heard of it, and she told me a past fling's name as if I wasn't aware of who he was. I later caught them snapchat texting each other. I was at her friend's wedding, and I didn't make a big deal of it. The next weekend, I told her how I had a dream she was cheating on me and that I hadn't been able to sleep, and a few weeks later I confronted her about the whole thing.She lied to me about the texting until I told her that I had seen it. She said they were selfish flirty text messages, but that there was no sexting and they definitely did not meet up. We fought constantly about this, because I felt like she was holding back additional details. She later told me that he would text every once in a while looking to meet up, she would acknowledge, and kind of let it go for a few but never meet up. He was aware of my existence.For months I never let this fight go, but moved into a new apartment because we thought the old confining space (studio) was causing a lot of friction. We then moved into a nicer 1b and eventually I snooped in her phone. I found out that on the night of our very first date, she went home and eventually met up with him for a late-night hookup. I was devastated. I confronted her about this and she admitted to it, despite the fact that I had asked her specifically when her last time seeing him was (she always replied, before we started). Apparently, her definition of when we started was different from mine, and I've asked her to move out of the apartment we share. She does not want this relationship to end, but I did. We've both told our friends and family. It's not great.Two days after she moved out, I brought a stranger home to sleep with me. It was a revenge move, and I should note that my GF bought the bed frame and the mattress.I met with one of her friends last night to discuss, and she said that she knows she made a mistake with the flirty texts, and had only come to the realization after our initial fight about them that they were extremely hurtful. The first night, she says, should be old news and we weren't technically together, but it is incredibly embarrassing for me and she acknowledged that. The old guy had a grip on my GF, and she was never really able to break the habit fully (of texting, thinking about him every once in a while) until I confronted her and told her that the relationship was ending. To her credit, her friend says she has changed a lot since then and I see it too.I'm having second thoughts about everything, and I think my plan is to tell her about the hookup if she wants to continue the relationship, but I can't yet. Despite my trust issues with her, I think it could send her down a spiral. I'm aware of how hypocritical I am being.Any advice on how to move forward?