Repairing relationship with my (23F) family after 5 years of not speaking to them although we stay in the same house

Hi, this is a throwaway account as this is something really private to me, and I would like to seek help.

I'm 23F. When I was 17, my sister (4 years older) had a series of mental breakdowns and I witnessed many of those. I was not mentally and emotionally ready to handle them, and the amount of negativity I saw made me close off completely from my family. It was a coping mechanism for me, because whenever I saw her cry I felt like crying too, but I told myself that I cannot break down, else it'll be complete chaos in the home. I saw myself to be the 'strong' one in the family.

Unfortunately 5 years later I am still unable to open up to my family. I can't meet their eyes, I can't really form coherent sentences around them, I can't hold a conversation with them. I feel guilt, I am upset with myself. But emotional expressions are not supported in my family... and I do not know how to express them. My father has been trying to tell me that my mother is very 'angry' at me, although I think it's more like she's hurt by me. I am not sure how I can try to repair the relationship.

I stay at home with my father, mother and sister. It is not easy ignoring them on a daily basis, but this coping mechanism has been built in so much that I can't seem to break out of it. I want change, but am also afraid of it. My sister's condition is not stabilised up till today as well, and at times forcing me to accept my coping mechanism again whenever she begins to cry/break down.

It also doesn't help that my parents have very little trust in my decisions, and will often probe further into details that I am not ready to share...

What should I start to do to help repair my relationship with my family?

tl;dr am cold to my family for 5 years because of my inability to handle emotional situations at home, how can I start to repair it?

Submitted April 19, 2019 at 06:18AM

Hi, this is a throwaway account as this is something really private to me, and I would like to seek help.I'm 23F. When I was 17, my sister (4 years older) had a series of mental breakdowns and I witnessed many of those. I was not mentally and emotionally ready to handle them, and the amount of negativity I saw made me close off completely from my family. It was a coping mechanism for me, because whenever I saw her cry I felt like crying too, but I told myself that I cannot break down, else it'll be complete chaos in the home. I saw myself to be the 'strong' one in the family.Unfortunately 5 years later I am still unable to open up to my family. I can't meet their eyes, I can't really form coherent sentences around them, I can't hold a conversation with them. I feel guilt, I am upset with myself. But emotional expressions are not supported in my family... and I do not know how to express them. My father has been trying to tell me that my mother is very 'angry' at me, although I think it's more like she's hurt by me. I am not sure how I can try to repair the relationship.I stay at home with my father, mother and sister. It is not easy ignoring them on a daily basis, but this coping mechanism has been built in so much that I can't seem to break out of it. I want change, but am also afraid of it. My sister's condition is not stabilised up till today as well, and at times forcing me to accept my coping mechanism again whenever she begins to cry/break down.It also doesn't help that my parents have very little trust in my decisions, and will often probe further into details that I am not ready to share...What should I start to do to help repair my relationship with my family?tl;dr am cold to my family for 5 years because of my inability to handle emotional situations at home, how can I start to repair it?