Family is pressuring me [30/M] to return home to provide care for my abusive mother who is ill. Suggestions/advice on how to go about this?

My mother (61 yrs old) has had health issues and a myriad of mental health issues for much of my life. She is type 1 diabetic and 5 months ago was found unconscious with an extremely high blood sugar. She was hospitalized for two weeks as doctors were concerned there might be some sort of neurological effect. She was released from the hospital w no real diagnosis but ever since has shown extremely erratic and strange behavior. She has had weird problems with her memory, fits of catatonia where she will stop moving and speaking, and has been especially emotional. I suspected a stroke but tests couldn't find any evidence. Additionally she has had an even harder time regulating her blood sugar and has been hospitalized a few times since for such problems.

All of my mother's care falls on my grandmother (her mom). I am my mom's only child and after a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive upbringing I have kept my mother at a distance. Short superficial phone calls and occasional brief visits so she can see her grandchildren is it. I've kept my distance ever since I felt it necessary to move out of her house sophomore year of high school bc things got so bad. I am now a somewhat stable 30 yr old adult. My wife and our two kids and I recently moved to canada (wife is a citizen) 4,000 miles away mostly to be near my wife's family for help w the kids but it'd be lying if I said putting even more distance between me and my dysfunctional family wasn't a reason. I certainly don't want to go back, or even get retangled w my mom from afar.

Since I'm gone a lot of the burden of my mother's medical issues have fallen on my grandmother. But this has also come to include tremendous emotional and financial abuse. My mother will scream and curse at my grandmother for no good reason, swear at her, tell her she wants to kill herself (the things I used to take the brunt of tbh). My mother also takes advantage of my grandmother by making frivolous purchases despite her still working part time at 83 yrs old just to afford her own things. This has taken a huge emotional toll on my grandmother. I know she drinks heavily most nights and tells me how upsetting it is to her. On one hand I don't feel responsible to provide that support for my mom bc she is abusive and I owe it to myself and my family not to get involved with something so destructive again. And I feel very strongly and have told my grandmother many times that she is too involved with my mother. Yet it is her daughter and who am I to judge what she should do. And I do feel guilty about it all, but I guess not enough to feel compelled to take a primary role in my mothers care, as bad as that sounds.

Anyway, it all came to a head recently when my mother was hospitalized again recently, this time for acting erratic in a grocery store. I have been inundated w calls from family (aunts/cousins, etc) demanding that I return home and take on my mothers care, as they are very concerned for my grandmother. So I guess I'm asking for advice in two domains...

1) Emotionally - Is it wrong for me to not take an active role w my mothers medical problems? Is it wrong to suggest to my grandmother she is in an abusive relationship herself and needs to separate from it?

and 2) Practical - What can I do from afar to help take some of the burden off my grandmother? I want to sell my mothers house and move her to a care facility but do I have the power to do that? They also cost ~7k/month and neither I nor anyone can afford that. She has a Signa HMO and is on Medicare but it doesn't cover much including not much psychiatric stuff. She doesn't qualify for medicaid either.

Any advice in either of those domains would be really helpful. Thanks.

Tldr: Abusive mother is ill needs caretaking can't live alone anymore. I'm 4,000 miles away don't want to get too involved and grandmother cannot continue to be primary caretaker. What are my options?

Submitted April 19, 2019 at 05:55AM

My mother (61 yrs old) has had health issues and a myriad of mental health issues for much of my life. She is type 1 diabetic and 5 months ago was found unconscious with an extremely high blood sugar. She was hospitalized for two weeks as doctors were concerned there might be some sort of neurological effect. She was released from the hospital w no real diagnosis but ever since has shown extremely erratic and strange behavior. She has had weird problems with her memory, fits of catatonia where she will stop moving and speaking, and has been especially emotional. I suspected a stroke but tests couldn't find any evidence. Additionally she has had an even harder time regulating her blood sugar and has been hospitalized a few times since for such problems.All of my mother's care falls on my grandmother (her mom). I am my mom's only child and after a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive upbringing I have kept my mother at a distance. Short superficial phone calls and occasional brief visits so she can see her grandchildren is it. I've kept my distance ever since I felt it necessary to move out of her house sophomore year of high school bc things got so bad. I am now a somewhat stable 30 yr old adult. My wife and our two kids and I recently moved to canada (wife is a citizen) 4,000 miles away mostly to be near my wife's family for help w the kids but it'd be lying if I said putting even more distance between me and my dysfunctional family wasn't a reason. I certainly don't want to go back, or even get retangled w my mom from afar.Since I'm gone a lot of the burden of my mother's medical issues have fallen on my grandmother. But this has also come to include tremendous emotional and financial abuse. My mother will scream and curse at my grandmother for no good reason, swear at her, tell her she wants to kill herself (the things I used to take the brunt of tbh). My mother also takes advantage of my grandmother by making frivolous purchases despite her still working part time at 83 yrs old just to afford her own things. This has taken a huge emotional toll on my grandmother. I know she drinks heavily most nights and tells me how upsetting it is to her. On one hand I don't feel responsible to provide that support for my mom bc she is abusive and I owe it to myself and my family not to get involved with something so destructive again. And I feel very strongly and have told my grandmother many times that she is too involved with my mother. Yet it is her daughter and who am I to judge what she should do. And I do feel guilty about it all, but I guess not enough to feel compelled to take a primary role in my mothers care, as bad as that sounds.Anyway, it all came to a head recently when my mother was hospitalized again recently, this time for acting erratic in a grocery store. I have been inundated w calls from family (aunts/cousins, etc) demanding that I return home and take on my mothers care, as they are very concerned for my grandmother. So I guess I'm asking for advice in two domains...1) Emotionally - Is it wrong for me to not take an active role w my mothers medical problems? Is it wrong to suggest to my grandmother she is in an abusive relationship herself and needs to separate from it?and 2) Practical - What can I do from afar to help take some of the burden off my grandmother? I want to sell my mothers house and move her to a care facility but do I have the power to do that? They also cost ~7k/month and neither I nor anyone can afford that. She has a Signa HMO and is on Medicare but it doesn't cover much including not much psychiatric stuff. She doesn't qualify for medicaid either.Any advice in either of those domains would be really helpful. Thanks.Tldr: Abusive mother is ill needs caretaking can't live alone anymore. I'm 4,000 miles away don't want to get too involved and grandmother cannot continue to be primary caretaker. What are my options?