Help navigating friendship with a coworker [24M] that I [29F] share(d?) a mutual attraction with

tl;dr: Used to have great chemistry with a coworker but no longer interacting as more than colleagues at work. Does he dislike me now or is he being shy because I'm married? Should I insist on the friendship or retreat?

I'm married in late 20's, he's single in mid 20's. On the same team, we sit in adjacent sections at work.

Worked together on a project a few months ago, famously hit it off, great connections, and shared a fun and slightly flirty working relationship. Ever since that project concluded though, we tried to keep the friendship going with coffee runs and whatnot but once other projects picked up we lost our rhythm. In the last few weeks it's been me stopping by his cube occasionally to say hi and ask how his weekend was.

Even though the conversation is dull and brief (I get self conscious about what colleagues would think of me going out of my way to speak to a coworker without work reasons), I still observe that, when he is in a semi-private environment with me he is happy to see me because his face / eyes light up and he immediately assumes a very masculine body position whether sitting or standing (leaning forward, manspreading, hand stroking his chin and eye contact during the entire conversation, but also blushes and a bit nervous, etc.). When I see him in a team social setting though, he will always without fail navigate his way to stand next to me but carry conversations with other colleagues unless I find a way to mix in.

I'm confused and can't stop guessing over and over again in my head what he's feeling towards me now:

1. He stopped initiating direct communication like stopping by my cube to say hi, which leads me to think he's lost interest in me

2. But he also always stands next to me in team social setting even if we're not carrying a direct conversation with each other - it's like we acknowledge each other but refuse to let others in that we might like each other more than as just coworkers

3. When we do talk in private, he's still showing signs that he finds me interesting / attractive. But that in turn drives me nervous and make me act weird and not able to carry a good conversation with him, because I'm also attracted to him and am scared of showing those tell-tale signs of attraction.

I'm sick and tired of the mind-game, just wished we could go back to our carefree and inquisitive exchanges we had as project partners, before we had to find reasons to be in each other's presence. I never had and will never have the intention of cheating on my husband, but I do miss having an attractive best friend at work that I can talk about anything to. But I also recognize that it'd be a cruel and selfish thing to want for if he truly does have feelings for me as more than coworkers, because I'm married.

Maybe I'm playing this mind-game all in my head, maybe it's just me projecting. Should I suck it up and continue initiating conversations in the hopes that we'd be comfortable with each other without the tension again, or should I just give up and pretend I never had this awesome friend and do my best to treat him as just another colleague? Is it a bad idea to have a "friendship talk" with him where I spill my thoughts to him honestly and ask him what he he's comfortable with, out of our friendship?

Any thoughts?

Submitted April 19, 2019 at 06:32AM

tl;dr: Used to have great chemistry with a coworker but no longer interacting as more than colleagues at work. Does he dislike me now or is he being shy because I'm married? Should I insist on the friendship or retreat?I'm married in late 20's, he's single in mid 20's. On the same team, we sit in adjacent sections at work.Worked together on a project a few months ago, famously hit it off, great connections, and shared a fun and slightly flirty working relationship. Ever since that project concluded though, we tried to keep the friendship going with coffee runs and whatnot but once other projects picked up we lost our rhythm. In the last few weeks it's been me stopping by his cube occasionally to say hi and ask how his weekend was.Even though the conversation is dull and brief (I get self conscious about what colleagues would think of me going out of my way to speak to a coworker without work reasons), I still observe that, when he is in a semi-private environment with me he is happy to see me because his face / eyes light up and he immediately assumes a very masculine body position whether sitting or standing (leaning forward, manspreading, hand stroking his chin and eye contact during the entire conversation, but also blushes and a bit nervous, etc.). When I see him in a team social setting though, he will always without fail navigate his way to stand next to me but carry conversations with other colleagues unless I find a way to mix in.I'm confused and can't stop guessing over and over again in my head what he's feeling towards me now:He stopped initiating direct communication like stopping by my cube to say hi, which leads me to think he's lost interest in meBut he also always stands next to me in team social setting even if we're not carrying a direct conversation with each other - it's like we acknowledge each other but refuse to let others in that we might like each other more than as just coworkersWhen we do talk in private, he's still showing signs that he finds me interesting / attractive. But that in turn drives me nervous and make me act weird and not able to carry a good conversation with him, because I'm also attracted to him and am scared of showing those tell-tale signs of attraction.I'm sick and tired of the mind-game, just wished we could go back to our carefree and inquisitive exchanges we had as project partners, before we had to find reasons to be in each other's presence. I never had and will never have the intention of cheating on my husband, but I do miss having an attractive best friend at work that I can talk about anything to. But I also recognize that it'd be a cruel and selfish thing to want for if he truly does have feelings for me as more than coworkers, because I'm married.Maybe I'm playing this mind-game all in my head, maybe it's just me projecting. Should I suck it up and continue initiating conversations in the hopes that we'd be comfortable with each other without the tension again, or should I just give up and pretend I never had this awesome friend and do my best to treat him as just another colleague? Is it a bad idea to have a "friendship talk" with him where I spill my thoughts to him honestly and ask him what he he's comfortable with, out of our friendship?Any thoughts?