I (26/M) have no idea how to really support her (26/F)

My girlfriend has had depression for years, and with the distance of an LDR finally closed, it feels like things got worse--like I got here too late. And admittedly, things have been making me feel like an idiot for even coming down here, because it seems like I've made her less happy. Emotional support has never been my strong suit, and I've often just let people vent and talk. She wants more from me, but gets mad at me when I ask her to be more specific, because it is "common sense." That's the tl;dr.

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So, the question is, how do I get better at being emotionally supportive and not get frustrated whenever she gets mad at me for this shortcoming.

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Just a warning that I am terrible at organizing my thoughts. I apologize if this seems all over the place. While the advice of ending the relationship is sound, I'd rather try to learn ways to get better at communication and being emotionally supportive. I am a bit better at answering questions and working through it that way, I realize, as well...

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Let's begin this with the fact that after about 5 years I have finally been able to move closer to my girlfriend. But just things feel like they've been getting worse since I got here. I am not going to lie and say I am not the best boyfriend. I had been working on jealousy issues for awhile, and after I got those dealt with for the most part, I still have a lot of pent of anger. I'm a first year school teacher, and my job is incredibly frustrating (low performing school) a lot of the time. So, when I come home, I am very exhausted and just kind of remain quiet for hours at a time and my girlfriend gets upset over this.

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This gets worse because she has been dealing with depression for years and I know she wants me to support her, and whenever I fail, she gets very angry with me. It was around a year ago I started standing up for myself, because I really hit a bad place constantly blaming myself for everything. It's made things worse. I've told her how this has never been something I was good at and that I don't know what people want; she has to tell me. She responds with stuff about how it is "common sense" and that I should not have to ask. This makes me mad because it makes me feel stupid and like she is setting me up to fail. If she wants me to help her, why isn't she giving me better cues?

​

I have gotten very very nasty over this all, and sometimes it has culminated in me yelling at her for about an hour, because I never get to vent my frustrations. I recognize that I do need help in managing these emotions, as I am dealing with _a lot_ right now, and it feels like she constantly discounts the changes in my life: I am living in a new state, this is the furthest from family I have ever been, I don't know how to cook, I am constantly thinking about work and have a hard time diverting my mind from it. It didn't help that it's affected my health--I had a hemorrhoid last week because of a mix of diet and not having the time to really do much at work. She got mad at me for that. Something else I really avoid bringing up is how I do feel like I am the biggest idiot of all, because I worked my butt off to get through school and get a job that was closer to her, and then all this happens.

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When she got sick, I did make a mistake and not do much, but I tried to make it up to her another day by getting her flowers, ginger ale, and some other stuff when she was feeling under the weather again. Getting gifts and stuff is incredibly difficult for me too. I tend to stick with what I know, because I forget a lot of stuff, but I can't say I forgot what my girlfriend likes. That makes things worse.

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I think she feels like I simply don't care nor want to be around her when she's like this and I choose to ignore it. I have a hard time vocalizing how I feel, and then whenever I do express it, it gets twisted into being selfish. I'm upset because she's unhappy with me. I'm unhappy because I feel like I've failed, but also because she's unhappy. And if I'm unhappy, I can't help her, so I have to pull myself together somehow and help her.

​

I feel like I have too much on my plate at once, because she wants me to be a better boyfriend, but I can't just focus on one issue at a time. She has other people she could ask for support, but she wants it from me, and I feel like that's something one expects them to do. As a result, I don't see myself make any progress or feel like I'm actually a good boyfriend nearly often enough.

Submitted April 19, 2019 at 06:43AM

My girlfriend has had depression for years, and with the distance of an LDR finally closed, it feels like things got worse--like I got here too late. And admittedly, things have been making me feel like an idiot for even coming down here, because it seems like I've made her less happy. Emotional support has never been my strong suit, and I've often just let people vent and talk. She wants more from me, but gets mad at me when I ask her to be more specific, because it is "common sense." That's the tl;dr.​So, the question is, how do I get better at being emotionally supportive and not get frustrated whenever she gets mad at me for this shortcoming._____________________________Just a warning that I am terrible at organizing my thoughts. I apologize if this seems all over the place. While the advice of ending the relationship is sound, I'd rather try to learn ways to get better at communication and being emotionally supportive. I am a bit better at answering questions and working through it that way, I realize, as well...​Let's begin this with the fact that after about 5 years I have finally been able to move closer to my girlfriend. But just things feel like they've been getting worse since I got here. I am not going to lie and say I am not the best boyfriend. I had been working on jealousy issues for awhile, and after I got those dealt with for the most part, I still have a lot of pent of anger. I'm a first year school teacher, and my job is incredibly frustrating (low performing school) a lot of the time. So, when I come home, I am very exhausted and just kind of remain quiet for hours at a time and my girlfriend gets upset over this.​This gets worse because she has been dealing with depression for years and I know she wants me to support her, and whenever I fail, she gets very angry with me. It was around a year ago I started standing up for myself, because I really hit a bad place constantly blaming myself for everything. It's made things worse. I've told her how this has never been something I was good at and that I don't know what people want; she has to tell me. She responds with stuff about how it is "common sense" and that I should not have to ask. This makes me mad because it makes me feel stupid and like she is setting me up to fail. If she wants me to help her, why isn't she giving me better cues?​I have gotten very very nasty over this all, and sometimes it has culminated in me yelling at her for about an hour, because I never get to vent my frustrations. I recognize that I do need help in managing these emotions, as I am dealing with _a lot_ right now, and it feels like she constantly discounts the changes in my life: I am living in a new state, this is the furthest from family I have ever been, I don't know how to cook, I am constantly thinking about work and have a hard time diverting my mind from it. It didn't help that it's affected my health--I had a hemorrhoid last week because of a mix of diet and not having the time to really do much at work. She got mad at me for that. Something else I really avoid bringing up is how I do feel like I am the biggest idiot of all, because I worked my butt off to get through school and get a job that was closer to her, and then all this happens.​When she got sick, I did make a mistake and not do much, but I tried to make it up to her another day by getting her flowers, ginger ale, and some other stuff when she was feeling under the weather again. Getting gifts and stuff is incredibly difficult for me too. I tend to stick with what I know, because I forget a lot of stuff, but I can't say I forgot what my girlfriend likes. That makes things worse.​I think she feels like I simply don't care nor want to be around her when she's like this and I choose to ignore it. I have a hard time vocalizing how I feel, and then whenever I do express it, it gets twisted into being selfish. I'm upset because she's unhappy with me. I'm unhappy because I feel like I've failed, but also because she's unhappy. And if I'm unhappy, I can't help her, so I have to pull myself together somehow and help her.​I feel like I have too much on my plate at once, because she wants me to be a better boyfriend, but I can't just focus on one issue at a time. She has other people she could ask for support, but she wants it from me, and I feel like that's something one expects them to do. As a result, I don't see myself make any progress or feel like I'm actually a good boyfriend nearly often enough.