Saved by a woman onlyto have it haunt me

So this is gonna be a long one I've had alot of time to think about it. So at the time when I was 18 I was hiking this trail called the Appalachian trail it's 2186 miles and it took me six months to walk completely. Its been a dream of mine and I saved up every penny since I was 13 it was extremely important to me that I complete it.I am an extremely extraverted person I absolutely need to be around people and interact. Well as it happened I got stuck walking by myself for a few months and frankly it nearly broke my soul it that aspect of the trip was terrifying. But then I saw this girl well call her Angel well when I say she has the total package Its an understatement she is smart funny a blast to be around tough compassionate ambitious hard working adventures easy to talk to and very enjoyable to converse with her and very Silly and on top of all that she is like an gourgous and I never saw her dressed up or in any makup or anything like that well as it happens we wound up walking together the next day angel and a hippie who I have since lost all respect for. well I kind of fell head over heals for he immediately. Well I had a girlfriend at the time and I felt so so guilty for falling for angel so I never hit on her intentionally or told her or tried to kiss her or anything but I was absolutely terrified of walking by myself again. The hippie was about 33 a and he had a way of weaseling thoughts into my head I don't know how to describe it but I respected him at the time and listened to him about stuff and he definitely did not have my best interest at heart when talking to me and it really messed with me that was on top of me being terrified of leaving angel and feeling super guilty that I liked her when I had a girl back home and I was still coming off of spending months mostly by myself needless to say I was super vulnerable a person then well this is probably creepy but I wrote a poem on my phone about her and I would lay there at night in our tents and listen to her breath. And I loved being around her and it made me happy and guilty. Well she is 22 at the time and looking back I think she was into the hippie and I was kinda of a third wheel but not really. Angel saved me and I thought that might be why I fell for her. So about three weeks into walking with her and hippie I have a 2 or three hour phonecall with my best friend and I tell him everything and I'm always 100 Percent honest with him I don't have secrets from him and I tell him all about it and went way way far away apparently I'm in a place where it carries and they both said they just heard talking bit couldn't make it out but the next day is super super aqward and that's when the hippie really starts to digging into me angel is all cool and respectful and nice the entire time through out the entire time well all of his digging into me culminated a week later in him lying to me trusting him and me walking 11 miles out of my way him trying to lose me well angel calls me and tells me where there at and I thought he was just mistaken in what he told me so I'm not to mad but I figure it out and ask him and he says plainly that he lied to me and I lost my temper on him and yelled at him and called him names in front of angel and he sat there with the most eat shit grin on his face told me he was sorry I felt that way. Because he wanted me to leave him and Angel alone I think and well I left them my mind completely in turmoil and lonely and scared and still guilty and angry. I wound up patching things up with angel and me and her are still good friends since we live about 10 hours apart we call each other and talk for an hour or so once a month and occasionally write letters. About three days after I left she had an opportunity to come home with me instead of hippie I didn't know about this till afterward she said that she regrets choosing to hike with him and wishes she had hiked with me and said she was super close to choosing to come with me that was a big gut punch when she told me that months later. Well she figured out that hippie was not what he seemed to be and has a darkness to him which is good. I came home and broke up with my girlfriend and haven't been on a date aince. It's been two years since this has happened and I still think about her all of the time and whenever I meet a girl that I could be with my first thought is there nothing compared to angel. And I am concerned that I only feel this way towards angel because she saved me the closest thing I could find to this is Florence Nightingale effect but that's not it. We are going to meet at a hiker festival in a month. I still haven't told her all of this I never told her I had a girlfriend and I don't know how much she knows from that conversation. I've only ever told my best friend and he isn't much help.How am I supposed to deal with her and love life it feels like I'm trapped in a whirlpool.

Tl;Dr so I meet this girl at a super vulnerable time in my life and she is as close to perfect as I'm gonna get and we become good friends and she patches me up and really helps me accomplish a life goal of mine and a friend of us both screws me and it's been two years and I still think about her and don't know what to do

Submitted April 19, 2019 at 05:40AM

So this is gonna be a long one I've had alot of time to think about it. So at the time when I was 18 I was hiking this trail called the Appalachian trail it's 2186 miles and it took me six months to walk completely. Its been a dream of mine and I saved up every penny since I was 13 it was extremely important to me that I complete it.I am an extremely extraverted person I absolutely need to be around people and interact. Well as it happened I got stuck walking by myself for a few months and frankly it nearly broke my soul it that aspect of the trip was terrifying. But then I saw this girl well call her Angel well when I say she has the total package Its an understatement she is smart funny a blast to be around tough compassionate ambitious hard working adventures easy to talk to and very enjoyable to converse with her and very Silly and on top of all that she is like an gourgous and I never saw her dressed up or in any makup or anything like that well as it happens we wound up walking together the next day angel and a hippie who I have since lost all respect for. well I kind of fell head over heals for he immediately. Well I had a girlfriend at the time and I felt so so guilty for falling for angel so I never hit on her intentionally or told her or tried to kiss her or anything but I was absolutely terrified of walking by myself again. The hippie was about 33 a and he had a way of weaseling thoughts into my head I don't know how to describe it but I respected him at the time and listened to him about stuff and he definitely did not have my best interest at heart when talking to me and it really messed with me that was on top of me being terrified of leaving angel and feeling super guilty that I liked her when I had a girl back home and I was still coming off of spending months mostly by myself needless to say I was super vulnerable a person then well this is probably creepy but I wrote a poem on my phone about her and I would lay there at night in our tents and listen to her breath. And I loved being around her and it made me happy and guilty. Well she is 22 at the time and looking back I think she was into the hippie and I was kinda of a third wheel but not really. Angel saved me and I thought that might be why I fell for her. So about three weeks into walking with her and hippie I have a 2 or three hour phonecall with my best friend and I tell him everything and I'm always 100 Percent honest with him I don't have secrets from him and I tell him all about it and went way way far away apparently I'm in a place where it carries and they both said they just heard talking bit couldn't make it out but the next day is super super aqward and that's when the hippie really starts to digging into me angel is all cool and respectful and nice the entire time through out the entire time well all of his digging into me culminated a week later in him lying to me trusting him and me walking 11 miles out of my way him trying to lose me well angel calls me and tells me where there at and I thought he was just mistaken in what he told me so I'm not to mad but I figure it out and ask him and he says plainly that he lied to me and I lost my temper on him and yelled at him and called him names in front of angel and he sat there with the most eat shit grin on his face told me he was sorry I felt that way. Because he wanted me to leave him and Angel alone I think and well I left them my mind completely in turmoil and lonely and scared and still guilty and angry. I wound up patching things up with angel and me and her are still good friends since we live about 10 hours apart we call each other and talk for an hour or so once a month and occasionally write letters. About three days after I left she had an opportunity to come home with me instead of hippie I didn't know about this till afterward she said that she regrets choosing to hike with him and wishes she had hiked with me and said she was super close to choosing to come with me that was a big gut punch when she told me that months later. Well she figured out that hippie was not what he seemed to be and has a darkness to him which is good. I came home and broke up with my girlfriend and haven't been on a date aince. It's been two years since this has happened and I still think about her all of the time and whenever I meet a girl that I could be with my first thought is there nothing compared to angel. And I am concerned that I only feel this way towards angel because she saved me the closest thing I could find to this is Florence Nightingale effect but that's not it. We are going to meet at a hiker festival in a month. I still haven't told her all of this I never told her I had a girlfriend and I don't know how much she knows from that conversation. I've only ever told my best friend and he isn't much help.How am I supposed to deal with her and love life it feels like I'm trapped in a whirlpool.Tl;Dr so I meet this girl at a super vulnerable time in my life and she is as close to perfect as I'm gonna get and we become good friends and she patches me up and really helps me accomplish a life goal of mine and a friend of us both screws me and it's been two years and I still think about her and don't know what to do