Struggling, even though my head knows it's for the best

32/F broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. The weekend before the breakup, I was honest with telling him I was considering leaving. He was often inconsiderate, selfish and sometimes unkind. We live over an hour away, and I had continuously expressed my need for more communication during the week other than a few exchanges of text messages. My needs were not getting met. I was always putting in effort - making meals and bringing them over, sending "the first" message of the day (which I eventually gave up on, because it feels shitty to be consciously ignored for hours), cleaned his place, bought him just because gifts, etc. while his effort was minimal.

I have my life together, and his is an absolute mess. Lost his job (due to personality conflict with his boss), lost his license, behind in bills, apartment is *always* dirty (e.g. leaves dishes in the sink for WEEKS), poor money management. I think he is depressed and suffers from anxiety, but he refuses to get any kind of help. He expresses himself as the "alpha male" and would sometimes say things to me like "I'M the boss" when we were fighting. Dislikes people and crowds, and would take lots of convincing to go out to dinner, or even go out for a walk (though, after we'd get outside he'd tell me he was glad we went). One time, I cancelled breakfast plans to travel to him - on the condition that he agreed to go to breakfast with me instead. On the night before said-breakfast, he said he would NEVER agree to that, brunch maybe, but never would get up that early to have breakfast. He was mean, and rude about it.

He actually initiated the breakup, telling me he knows I'm not happy, and that makes him unhappy - and how he just wants me to be happy. That part of him does love me, but he can't keep me... he wants me to be happy more than he wants himself to be. That he's trying to do the right thing, he doesn't know if he is - or if he's making the biggest mistake of his life. But that he misses me, and wants to see me. That he's afraid someone else is going to scoop me up, because I'm amazing and have such a big heart. That I am his best friend, and the best person he knows.

I know I shouldn't be struggling with this, but I really am. Some days are better than others, but today I have cried on and off all day. I miss him, but WHY?! It drives me insane that I cannot think about this more logically and "stop being sad". One friend told me that, "he is basically all of the things you don't want". Others have expressed to me that "the only thing he had going for himself, was you". I *know* all of these things, but part of me still wants to be with him. I know I deserve to be treated better.

Sometimes I wonder if all the "feels" were just manipulated, and not genuine? If I was and still am being played in a way. I don't know, but this breakup has really messed with me.

(P.S. Thanks for listening to my crazy).

Submitted May 28, 2019 at 02:04AM

32/F broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. The weekend before the breakup, I was honest with telling him I was considering leaving. He was often inconsiderate, selfish and sometimes unkind. We live over an hour away, and I had continuously expressed my need for more communication during the week other than a few exchanges of text messages. My needs were not getting met. I was always putting in effort - making meals and bringing them over, sending "the first" message of the day (which I eventually gave up on, because it feels shitty to be consciously ignored for hours), cleaned his place, bought him just because gifts, etc. while his effort was minimal.I have my life together, and his is an absolute mess. Lost his job (due to personality conflict with his boss), lost his license, behind in bills, apartment is *always* dirty (e.g. leaves dishes in the sink for WEEKS), poor money management. I think he is depressed and suffers from anxiety, but he refuses to get any kind of help. He expresses himself as the "alpha male" and would sometimes say things to me like "I'M the boss" when we were fighting. Dislikes people and crowds, and would take lots of convincing to go out to dinner, or even go out for a walk (though, after we'd get outside he'd tell me he was glad we went). One time, I cancelled breakfast plans to travel to him - on the condition that he agreed to go to breakfast with me instead. On the night before said-breakfast, he said he would NEVER agree to that, brunch maybe, but never would get up that early to have breakfast. He was mean, and rude about it.He actually initiated the breakup, telling me he knows I'm not happy, and that makes him unhappy - and how he just wants me to be happy. That part of him does love me, but he can't keep me... he wants me to be happy more than he wants himself to be. That he's trying to do the right thing, he doesn't know if he is - or if he's making the biggest mistake of his life. But that he misses me, and wants to see me. That he's afraid someone else is going to scoop me up, because I'm amazing and have such a big heart. That I am his best friend, and the best person he knows.I know I shouldn't be struggling with this, but I really am. Some days are better than others, but today I have cried on and off all day. I miss him, but WHY?! It drives me insane that I cannot think about this more logically and "stop being sad". One friend told me that, "he is basically all of the things you don't want". Others have expressed to me that "the only thing he had going for himself, was you". I *know* all of these things, but part of me still wants to be with him. I know I deserve to be treated better.Sometimes I wonder if all the "feels" were just manipulated, and not genuine? If I was and still am being played in a way. I don't know, but this breakup has really messed with me.(P.S. Thanks for listening to my crazy).