Help! I’m a 32 year-old virgin and I need to change.

Hi r/dating,

In the interest of your time, I’ve broken this down into sections to make things easier to swallow (don’t get pervy on me yet). Feel free to read whichever parts you think most appropriate. I’ll answer any questions you have.

Thank you for reading this. Really. I need help and I have nowhere else to turn.

My shameful, humiliating, pathetic, and so very painful problem

I’m a 32 year old male living in the suburbs of North Dallas, Texas (USA). I have no close friends and have never had a relationship, been on a date, or even asked a girl out (yikes). I live with my mother and grandmother (ok, yikes for real) and fear living on my own (wait, don’t go!). So naturally, my best-case scenario would be:

— Be strong enough to move out and learn to live alone.

— Find, develop, and maintain a few close friendships.

— Have my first romantic relationship.

That last one is huge for me. At this point, I’m dying to experience affection and intimacy. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without it. It’s like an emptiness in your soul. Imagine if all your romantic and sexual experiences never happened. How would you feel about yourself or your future? How different would your life be if you never had a partner?

My virginity didn’t bother me much when I was younger. I told myself I’d be a late bloomer and that would be ok. Now it’s all I can think about. It’s not so much the sex itself as what it signifies. That I’m not good enough. I’m not wanted by anyone. That I have to be alone until I die (any maybe after that too).

But I don’t want to die without having experienced this. Putting your arm around someone. Your first kiss. Running your hands along your partner as you learn their body and what pleases them. To lie next to someone and be completely naked in every way possible. In short: to be alive, validated, and belong.

Okay… But how the hell did you get here?

I ask myself this question every single day. I truly didn’t think this would happen to me. After all, I’m a perfectly normal guy, right…? Hello…? Damn it, they ran off.

It wasn’t one thing, but a constellation of factors. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Last Name: I have a silly last name, like Cox or Cummings, and got teased from elementary soon onwards. My parents never talked to me about this, so shame and inferiority grew inside me like herpes (which I have… from chickenpox).
2. Absentee father: I haven’t seen my old man in 15 years, meaning I spent much of my teenage life and all of my twenties without any male influence. When I did know him, he was distant, prone to outbursts, and would beat my mother. He once hurled a vacuum cleaner at her. For his achievements, he was named ’97 “Father of the Year” Honorable Mention.
3. High School: my parents divorced when I was 12 and I moved with my mother from middle-class New York to upper-class Dallas. I didn’t fit in with any of the kids: not rich enough, not cool enough, not white enough. Eventually, I found myself eating lunch in the bathroom as I had nowhere to sit in the cafeteria (more ergonomic seats, though; they really hug your ass and cushion you against the weight of your own despair).
4. Devouring mother: since my mother had no life of her own, she naturally (or unnaturally) tried to prevent me from growing up and leaving her. She refused to get me a car in high school or college (so I spent summer breaks sitting around at home). She pushed to me to attend a Christian university in middle-of-nowhere Texas, where I’d be stuck on campus for the duration and have no friends (we’re not Christian, Republican, or white), and made no effort to encourage me to move out once I returned home after college and was earning enough to do so.
5. Fake Friends: the few acquaintances I’ve had in my twenties have been great at using me and then abandoning me, but not including me in social events or introducing me to anyone. I’ve helped people move out of their apartment, driven them to the airport, paid for drinks, written letters of recommendation, etc. But when I reach out to them, I get responses like: Who’s this? or I don’t need your cell, I have your work number or I’m busy this weekend, but some other time for sure. Clearly, I’ve let these people use me. Drizzy was on to something (and I don’t mean little girls).

What’s your mental health like, bro?

Not good. I can’t sleep anymore. When I do wake up in the morning, I have to fight not to cry, or quickly jump in the shower and let it out. Sometimes I lay in bed for hours on the weekend (or occasionally the entire day). If I can muster the strength to get out, I’ll wander around in malls or take aimless drives. Anything to not feel like I’m completely alone in the world. But seeing all the groups of kids, couples, and families just makes it worse. I’m always late to work, behind on getting bills out, and haven’t filed my taxes in two years.

I feel old, ugly, ashamed, humiliated, lonely, empty, and hopeless. I feel like I missed my chance to find someone and am now consigned to watch myself crumple into senescence (noun: the condition or process of deterioration with age).

I tried therapy last year and went weekly for 6 months. Unfortunately, it didn’t take. The guy was nice (and actually had some similar experiences), but talking about it just wasn’t doing anything. We had to work up to getting me to drive into an apartment complex or attend a meetup. That’s how resistant/fearful I am to change. Besides, will this even do anything now? Is there even a life left for me to claim? How likely is it someone like myself (at my age) will find someone?

Now you’re going to tell us that you’re unemployed, smoke weed, and play xbox all day.

Not at all, actually. I work in financial services and supervise over a dozen people (who are almost entirely women in their twenties). I’m also in night school for a master’s degree, which will hopefully open up a new career path for me.

I eat clean, have never consumed alcohol or taken any recreational drugs (but I’m open to this now!) and work out 3-5x/week with a combination of weights and cardio (no reason to have a dad bod if you’re not a dad — but I really do want to be a dad).

And I stopped playing video games in high school.

So what are you like then (and what do you like)?

My interests are naturally solitary-type activities: movies, music, books, gym etc. I don’t know how that translates into something social, except for maybe a book club. Every weekend I rack my brain to come up with places I can go alone and meet people. I’ve found no good options.

People at my job have described me as: witty, a good dresser, quiet but eloquent, and a decent person. I’ve also had a female manager say we’d make beautiful babies (but she’s happily married to another woman, so no dice).

If this helps, here are some stats:

Height: 5’7”

Weight: 137.6 lbs

BMI: 21.6

Body Fat: 15.4% (too many nuts and Siggi’s yogurt)

Race: Human

Salary Range: $75,000-100,000

Education: BS degree, working towards MS at night

Myers-Briggs: INFJ (this is scary accurate)

Have You Tried?

— Meetups? Yes, I went to a few. Found it difficult to actually have a legitimate conversation with someone (too many people, too much going on). And it was seemingly a revolving door, so I wasn’t really able to form a lasting connection with anyone. Also, and this may just be my experience, but I found a lot of people there were lacking in social skills. I’m an introvert for sure, but I want to meet people I can enjoy talking to.

— Meeting people at school or work? The majority of my degree cohort is from India and China. There’s a pretty big cultural divide here. I’m also several years older than many of them. As for work, most of the department works at home now, making it almost impossible to strike up water cooler conversation. Even when I do, no one wants to move things beyond a work relationship. They have their friends/spouses already set. And I wouldn’t dare flirt with someone on my team.

— Family? I have a couple cousins in the area. One just got out of prison after several years. The other used to be like a brother to me in high school, then dropped me for his friends. I haven’t heard from him in a decade, despite him coming around the house several times a year.

— Church? Agnostic and I’m never going back.

— Therapy? Yes, see above.

What do you want us to say?

I don’t really know. Maybe I just need to post this to say I tried. I acknowledge that I have a problem and I’m asking for help. Maybe it’s too late. Whatever you want to say is fine. Suggestions, encouragement, insults. I’ll take whatever you got.

Submitted May 28, 2019 at 02:46AM

Hi r/dating,In the interest of your time, I’ve broken this down into sections to make things easier to swallow (don’t get pervy on me yet). Feel free to read whichever parts you think most appropriate. I’ll answer any questions you have.Thank you for reading this. Really. I need help and I have nowhere else to turn.My shameful, humiliating, pathetic, and so very painful problemI’m a 32 year old male living in the suburbs of North Dallas, Texas (USA). I have no close friends and have never had a relationship, been on a date, or even asked a girl out (yikes). I live with my mother and grandmother (ok, yikes for real) and fear living on my own (wait, don’t go!). So naturally, my best-case scenario would be:— Be strong enough to move out and learn to live alone.— Find, develop, and maintain a few close friendships.— Have my first romantic relationship.That last one is huge for me. At this point, I’m dying to experience affection and intimacy. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without it. It’s like an emptiness in your soul. Imagine if all your romantic and sexual experiences never happened. How would you feel about yourself or your future? How different would your life be if you never had a partner?My virginity didn’t bother me much when I was younger. I told myself I’d be a late bloomer and that would be ok. Now it’s all I can think about. It’s not so much the sex itself as what it signifies. That I’m not good enough. I’m not wanted by anyone. That I have to be alone until I die (any maybe after that too).But I don’t want to die without having experienced this. Putting your arm around someone. Your first kiss. Running your hands along your partner as you learn their body and what pleases them. To lie next to someone and be completely naked in every way possible. In short: to be alive, validated, and belong.Okay… But how the hell did you get here?I ask myself this question every single day. I truly didn’t think this would happen to me. After all, I’m a perfectly normal guy, right…? Hello…? Damn it, they ran off.It wasn’t one thing, but a constellation of factors. Here’s what I’ve come up with:Last Name: I have a silly last name, like Cox or Cummings, and got teased from elementary soon onwards. My parents never talked to me about this, so shame and inferiority grew inside me like herpes (which I have… from chickenpox).Absentee father: I haven’t seen my old man in 15 years, meaning I spent much of my teenage life and all of my twenties without any male influence. When I did know him, he was distant, prone to outbursts, and would beat my mother. He once hurled a vacuum cleaner at her. For his achievements, he was named ’97 “Father of the Year” Honorable Mention.High School: my parents divorced when I was 12 and I moved with my mother from middle-class New York to upper-class Dallas. I didn’t fit in with any of the kids: not rich enough, not cool enough, not white enough. Eventually, I found myself eating lunch in the bathroom as I had nowhere to sit in the cafeteria (more ergonomic seats, though; they really hug your ass and cushion you against the weight of your own despair).Devouring mother: since my mother had no life of her own, she naturally (or unnaturally) tried to prevent me from growing up and leaving her. She refused to get me a car in high school or college (so I spent summer breaks sitting around at home). She pushed to me to attend a Christian university in middle-of-nowhere Texas, where I’d be stuck on campus for the duration and have no friends (we’re not Christian, Republican, or white), and made no effort to encourage me to move out once I returned home after college and was earning enough to do so.Fake Friends: the few acquaintances I’ve had in my twenties have been great at using me and then abandoning me, but not including me in social events or introducing me to anyone. I’ve helped people move out of their apartment, driven them to the airport, paid for drinks, written letters of recommendation, etc. But when I reach out to them, I get responses like: Who’s this? or I don’t need your cell, I have your work number or I’m busy this weekend, but some other time for sure. Clearly, I’ve let these people use me. Drizzy was on to something (and I don’t mean little girls).What’s your mental health like, bro?Not good. I can’t sleep anymore. When I do wake up in the morning, I have to fight not to cry, or quickly jump in the shower and let it out. Sometimes I lay in bed for hours on the weekend (or occasionally the entire day). If I can muster the strength to get out, I’ll wander around in malls or take aimless drives. Anything to not feel like I’m completely alone in the world. But seeing all the groups of kids, couples, and families just makes it worse. I’m always late to work, behind on getting bills out, and haven’t filed my taxes in two years.I feel old, ugly, ashamed, humiliated, lonely, empty, and hopeless. I feel like I missed my chance to find someone and am now consigned to watch myself crumple into senescence (noun: the condition or process of deterioration with age).I tried therapy last year and went weekly for 6 months. Unfortunately, it didn’t take. The guy was nice (and actually had some similar experiences), but talking about it just wasn’t doing anything. We had to work up to getting me to drive into an apartment complex or attend a meetup. That’s how resistant/fearful I am to change. Besides, will this even do anything now? Is there even a life left for me to claim? How likely is it someone like myself (at my age) will find someone?Now you’re going to tell us that you’re unemployed, smoke weed, and play xbox all day.Not at all, actually. I work in financial services and supervise over a dozen people (who are almost entirely women in their twenties). I’m also in night school for a master’s degree, which will hopefully open up a new career path for me.I eat clean, have never consumed alcohol or taken any recreational drugs (but I’m open to this now!) and work out 3-5x/week with a combination of weights and cardio (no reason to have a dad bod if you’re not a dad — but I really do want to be a dad).And I stopped playing video games in high school.So what are you like then (and what do you like)?My interests are naturally solitary-type activities: movies, music, books, gym etc. I don’t know how that translates into something social, except for maybe a book club. Every weekend I rack my brain to come up with places I can go alone and meet people. I’ve found no good options.People at my job have described me as: witty, a good dresser, quiet but eloquent, and a decent person. I’ve also had a female manager say we’d make beautiful babies (but she’s happily married to another woman, so no dice).If this helps, here are some stats:Height: 5’7”Weight: 137.6 lbsBMI: 21.6Body Fat: 15.4% (too many nuts and Siggi’s yogurt)Race: HumanSalary Range: $75,000-100,000Education: BS degree, working towards MS at nightMyers-Briggs: INFJ (this is scary accurate)Have You Tried?— Meetups? Yes, I went to a few. Found it difficult to actually have a legitimate conversation with someone (too many people, too much going on). And it was seemingly a revolving door, so I wasn’t really able to form a lasting connection with anyone. Also, and this may just be my experience, but I found a lot of people there were lacking in social skills. I’m an introvert for sure, but I want to meet people I can enjoy talking to.— Meeting people at school or work? The majority of my degree cohort is from India and China. There’s a pretty big cultural divide here. I’m also several years older than many of them. As for work, most of the department works at home now, making it almost impossible to strike up water cooler conversation. Even when I do, no one wants to move things beyond a work relationship. They have their friends/spouses already set. And I wouldn’t dare flirt with someone on my team.— Family? I have a couple cousins in the area. One just got out of prison after several years. The other used to be like a brother to me in high school, then dropped me for his friends. I haven’t heard from him in a decade, despite him coming around the house several times a year.— Church? Agnostic and I’m never going back.— Therapy? Yes, see above.What do you want us to say?I don’t really know. Maybe I just need to post this to say I tried. I acknowledge that I have a problem and I’m asking for help. Maybe it’s too late. Whatever you want to say is fine. Suggestions, encouragement, insults. I’ll take whatever you got.