Dating while Overweight

Hello all, apologies if this turns into a bit of a rant.

I'll be turning 32 at the end of July, and I'm still single. Not quite how I pictured life turning out, but, here we are. Thing is, the last couple of years for me have been rough, and due to some trauma, I put on a lot of weight that I had previously lost in my earlier 20s.

However, I feel like as of late last year, I've made progress in getting my life back. I finally started taking anti depressant medication, and I feel like they've helped me go from "barely tolerating" life to "thriving". Since I started taking them, I quit a toxic job that was draining my will to live, landed a dream job as an instructor at my old undergraduate university, got accepted to a PhD program, sit on the board of directors for an independent magazine for which I am a contributing writer, and even started taking improv comedy classes, something I've wanted to do forever! And perhaps craziest of all, I ditched a hair piece I was wearing to cover up my receding and thinning hair.

Thing is, none of these things have helped much with my dating life. Not that I was expecting a specific outcome, but it would have been nice to meet someone who values these things as much as I do. I know I am a big guy. And I know I have a receding hairline with thinning hair. But now that I'm making all these changes, I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am here, faults and all, doing my thing. But I've definitely noticed my online dating matches have plummeted since I've made these changes to my appearance.

The other thing is, I have been called picky over my preferences. I definitely have a type, and they tend to be more intellectual, witty, and have a strong personality / interests. I've been in relationships with all kinds of body types but I need those things more than anything.

It's all just incredibly frustrating. I look online for dating advice when overweight and it's all written from a female perspective, like men don't get insecure about their appearance. I am continuing to make small improvements, getting back into the gym, monitoring my eating and spending. But I've kind of given up on finding a relationship to be honest. They say to just be confident, but I seriously don't know how. I cannot bring myself to ignore my faults. How do you do it? I wonder if my inability to accept myself and these faults also likewise leads to me being overly picky with my partners (and I will say I have had some bad relationships in the past due to attachment wounds from emotionally closed off parents).

Anyway, I'm mostly thinking out loud here, but if anyone has similar experiences or wisdom, I'd love to hear your thoughts.



Submitted May 28, 2019 at 05:51AM

Hello all, apologies if this turns into a bit of a rant.I'll be turning 32 at the end of July, and I'm still single. Not quite how I pictured life turning out, but, here we are. Thing is, the last couple of years for me have been rough, and due to some trauma, I put on a lot of weight that I had previously lost in my earlier 20s.However, I feel like as of late last year, I've made progress in getting my life back. I finally started taking anti depressant medication, and I feel like they've helped me go from "barely tolerating" life to "thriving". Since I started taking them, I quit a toxic job that was draining my will to live, landed a dream job as an instructor at my old undergraduate university, got accepted to a PhD program, sit on the board of directors for an independent magazine for which I am a contributing writer, and even started taking improv comedy classes, something I've wanted to do forever! And perhaps craziest of all, I ditched a hair piece I was wearing to cover up my receding and thinning hair.Thing is, none of these things have helped much with my dating life. Not that I was expecting a specific outcome, but it would have been nice to meet someone who values these things as much as I do. I know I am a big guy. And I know I have a receding hairline with thinning hair. But now that I'm making all these changes, I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am here, faults and all, doing my thing. But I've definitely noticed my online dating matches have plummeted since I've made these changes to my appearance.The other thing is, I have been called picky over my preferences. I definitely have a type, and they tend to be more intellectual, witty, and have a strong personality / interests. I've been in relationships with all kinds of body types but I need those things more than anything.It's all just incredibly frustrating. I look online for dating advice when overweight and it's all written from a female perspective, like men don't get insecure about their appearance. I am continuing to make small improvements, getting back into the gym, monitoring my eating and spending. But I've kind of given up on finding a relationship to be honest. They say to just be confident, but I seriously don't know how. I cannot bring myself to ignore my faults. How do you do it? I wonder if my inability to accept myself and these faults also likewise leads to me being overly picky with my partners (and I will say I have had some bad relationships in the past due to attachment wounds from emotionally closed off parents).Anyway, I'm mostly thinking out loud here, but if anyone has similar experiences or wisdom, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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