I can't bring myself to date anymore. (21/m)

I hope that this is appropriate for this subreddit, as this is my first post on reddit (throwaway). I apologize for any errors I make in advance.

Ever since my first real relationship when I was 16, I haven't had one healthy relationship and have been tormented with awful thoughts nearly everyday about how our relationship ended so long ago. After a less than amicable split, she spread rumors that I stalked her and would beat her during/after our relationship. She was quite popular and held a good amount of clout with the other girls at school, so all the other girls I could've dated believed her and helped her torment me. What they didn't know is that I really loved her. I wanted her back and really hadn't done much of anything bad towards her but I was consistently treated like a creep at school, and thus didn't date again out of fear until my freshman year of college. But the thing is, all of those relationships have been shallow flings that always end up with me 'pushing them away'. and now I can feel myself turn ever so cynical (misogynistic?) towards dating and love in general.

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Now I am twenty one years old at a university and no one knows that I have such horrible feelings. I hate my ex so much, even though my idea of her is still an immature sixteen year old girl who, now, 5 years later, probably does not think about my existence. And yet I think of her every single day. I feel like my time for finding someone is passing by. Approaching women is impossible because I'm paralyzed with fear: Getting seriously hurt or in a fight incites less stress than approaching a girl a like because to me, serious harm or death is better than EVER feeling what she put me through again.

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I have problems with every woman who walks into my life. All my prospective dates sense that I am damaged and that I do not trust anyone. My mother was abusive in just about every way, and she also is no - contact. Everyone woman who I have had a serious interpersonal relationship with (besides my sisters, who I helped raise) has been removed from my life violently. I don't wish to be this way. I know it's not personal when breakups happen, but now it seems like everything my prospective partners do is something to hurt me. They all seem like they're out to get me. I want it to stop. I don't want this to be the summation of my relationship with women. I want love like everyone else, but all I feel is hate and desperation. What had happened turned me violent, cold, and angry. Now, it has been about three years since I've slept with a woman more than once. I guess if they don't me, if they don't see whats inside my head like my ex did, if they never get my vulnerability, they can never hurt me. But the cold hurts even worse.

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I'm not sure if I need advice, or help, or whatever. But I needed to get that off my chest. Thoughts and opinions are appreciated.

Submitted May 03, 2019 at 04:08PM

I hope that this is appropriate for this subreddit, as this is my first post on reddit (throwaway). I apologize for any errors I make in advance.Ever since my first real relationship when I was 16, I haven't had one healthy relationship and have been tormented with awful thoughts nearly everyday about how our relationship ended so long ago. After a less than amicable split, she spread rumors that I stalked her and would beat her during/after our relationship. She was quite popular and held a good amount of clout with the other girls at school, so all the other girls I could've dated believed her and helped her torment me. What they didn't know is that I really loved her. I wanted her back and really hadn't done much of anything bad towards her but I was consistently treated like a creep at school, and thus didn't date again out of fear until my freshman year of college. But the thing is, all of those relationships have been shallow flings that always end up with me 'pushing them away'. and now I can feel myself turn ever so cynical (misogynistic?) towards dating and love in general.​Now I am twenty one years old at a university and no one knows that I have such horrible feelings. I hate my ex so much, even though my idea of her is still an immature sixteen year old girl who, now, 5 years later, probably does not think about my existence. And yet I think of her every single day. I feel like my time for finding someone is passing by. Approaching women is impossible because I'm paralyzed with fear: Getting seriously hurt or in a fight incites less stress than approaching a girl a like because to me, serious harm or death is better than EVER feeling what she put me through again.​I have problems with every woman who walks into my life. All my prospective dates sense that I am damaged and that I do not trust anyone. My mother was abusive in just about every way, and she also is no - contact. Everyone woman who I have had a serious interpersonal relationship with (besides my sisters, who I helped raise) has been removed from my life violently. I don't wish to be this way. I know it's not personal when breakups happen, but now it seems like everything my prospective partners do is something to hurt me. They all seem like they're out to get me. I want it to stop. I don't want this to be the summation of my relationship with women. I want love like everyone else, but all I feel is hate and desperation. What had happened turned me violent, cold, and angry. Now, it has been about three years since I've slept with a woman more than once. I guess if they don't me, if they don't see whats inside my head like my ex did, if they never get my vulnerability, they can never hurt me. But the cold hurts even worse.​I'm not sure if I need advice, or help, or whatever. But I needed to get that off my chest. Thoughts and opinions are appreciated.