Culture Shock in Dating World

I (27F) recently moved to a new city and I am having a culture shock when it comes to online dating here and it's playing a number on my self-esteem. Here's the situation that keeps happening. I don't have trouble getting dates. People tend to like how straightforward and communicative I am in our original messages. My work is interesting and I'm pretty successful within my field. I'm very clear from the get-go I am looking for a serious relationship. However, it has happened multiple times where I have been dating people for longer periods (sometimes even two months) and I begin to grow suspicious they aren't actually attracted to me due to a comment here or there. After confrontation, it's confirmed. I don't meet the "ideal" body type, and therefore I am "average." However, I have a stellar personality, so they keep me around.

This is both incredibly frustrating and demoralizing for me. In the past, I could go on dates and generally assume if we made it past the first date, we both found each other attractive. Here, it seems like most people are insecure about their own bodies, don't think they can get "beautiful women," and so settle for me, someone attainable and nice who makes them feel good. But the thing is, I don't WANT their pity date, because I think I look fine. I'm a bit chubby but I like how I look and I think it sits well on me. I exercise but not intense enough to where I'm going to change much. I'm healthy and expressive. I want to date people whose range of attractive body types includes mine. I want a partner whose definition of attraction doesn't diminish as we age and get wrinkles. I'm going to think they're cute the whole time! I want that reciprocated.

As far as the people I date, they tend to be on the nerdier side, either in a technical or creative field. I'm not dating personal trainers or fitness gurus where I could reasonably expect they would have those values. My dates have also been a range of body types from chubbier than me, to more fit than me, and I have found no correlation between that and their comments.

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you manage? As of now, I find myself way more insecure in the initial dating process. I know i probably just need to take a break for a bit from dating, but after that, should I be approaching things differently? Is it weird to bring it up a few dates in to make sure we're on the same page? Or do I need to get thicker skin?

Submitted May 03, 2019 at 04:33PM

I (27F) recently moved to a new city and I am having a culture shock when it comes to online dating here and it's playing a number on my self-esteem. Here's the situation that keeps happening. I don't have trouble getting dates. People tend to like how straightforward and communicative I am in our original messages. My work is interesting and I'm pretty successful within my field. I'm very clear from the get-go I am looking for a serious relationship. However, it has happened multiple times where I have been dating people for longer periods (sometimes even two months) and I begin to grow suspicious they aren't actually attracted to me due to a comment here or there. After confrontation, it's confirmed. I don't meet the "ideal" body type, and therefore I am "average." However, I have a stellar personality, so they keep me around.This is both incredibly frustrating and demoralizing for me. In the past, I could go on dates and generally assume if we made it past the first date, we both found each other attractive. Here, it seems like most people are insecure about their own bodies, don't think they can get "beautiful women," and so settle for me, someone attainable and nice who makes them feel good. But the thing is, I don't WANT their pity date, because I think I look fine. I'm a bit chubby but I like how I look and I think it sits well on me. I exercise but not intense enough to where I'm going to change much. I'm healthy and expressive. I want to date people whose range of attractive body types includes mine. I want a partner whose definition of attraction doesn't diminish as we age and get wrinkles. I'm going to think they're cute the whole time! I want that reciprocated.As far as the people I date, they tend to be on the nerdier side, either in a technical or creative field. I'm not dating personal trainers or fitness gurus where I could reasonably expect they would have those values. My dates have also been a range of body types from chubbier than me, to more fit than me, and I have found no correlation between that and their comments.Has anyone else experienced this and how did you manage? As of now, I find myself way more insecure in the initial dating process. I know i probably just need to take a break for a bit from dating, but after that, should I be approaching things differently? Is it weird to bring it up a few dates in to make sure we're on the same page? Or do I need to get thicker skin?