Serious marriage issues + PTSD and anxiety. Long story but would appreciate your time.

My best friend invited me to come to Colorado to her friends wedding that she was officiating. When we got there, that is when I met Ken (Ken is a F2M trans person). We hung out together a lot. One night, we laid on the mountain top staring at the sky, talking, laughing.  He then told me passively about his gf, I was kinda bummed out, but enjoyed the friendship. The next night, he asked me what I thought about polygamy. That was unexpected, and I never thought about it. I told him just that, nodded his head and started talking about an old crush of his who broke his heart, who he didn't trust anymore (Sara). I listened to it all in stride. Also to note, Ken has an extremely mild case of Aspbergers.

After all that, the next few months were a lot of texting/calling. Casual conversation. At that time I wasnt sure what kind of relationship he had with Angela (gf). Was it open? I admitted to him one night that I had a crush on him, he reciprocated. I asked about Angela and he told me he was looking to end things with her, but didnt want to hurt her. I told him not to string her along. He said that she agreed to his need for 'free love'. The next month I came to visit him. The first thing I saw was a plethora of photos on his walls, including me. Sara was all over the place, in frames, even his old Swarovski wedding frame. He showed me tons of entries he wrote down about her, love poems, copies of things she said, it was over the top. I just noticed at the time, but didn't really care about it. Angela was there 90% of the time, she came over and he would 100% ignore me and get all cuddly and schmoozy with her. I felt like I was entertaining myself. I mentioned it to him cause he seemed oblivious, and he told me she wanted to be there so he had to prove all was well to keep her happy. The one day she didnt come over we slept in bed and had sex. He had said they had an open thing, so I thought it was ok. I mentioned the fact I liked the idea of a relationship with him & he acted like he didnt want to make commitments. Remember, 'free-love'. The next night we (Angela too) went to a gay club and he was allll over this guy there. He was talking to me about him like "mmm I bet he is fun to play with ;)". That night Angela spent the night with him and I slept on the air mattress.  The next night, I got a call from my mom saying that my dad unexpectedly took a turn for the worst and was intubated. I went back home the next day to find he was dying. He died later that night of severe sepsis. The hardest moment of my life.

The next few months, me and Ken continued to talk. Him and Angela's relationship was still there, and he just kept saying he was intending on ending it. Then he said he would wait till he got back from Cali (a trip to visit her family/Ken to meet family). After the trip, he did it.

After a few more visits, we talked vaguely about me moving down. At this point Ken was in a "can't we just be" instead of committing zone. I wanted more but tried to open up to his ideas. About 2 days before I moved down he told me casually that he got the random guy that he hit on/wanted to sleep with at the bar to move in (Matt). I hung up lol. He called back like "did I say something wrong?"  I told him I wasnt going to do that and he reassured me it is just for extra rent $. No interest. I accepted that. I moved in. Matt and Ken clashed and Ken couldnt stand him after a few months. They never did anything. Ken told me he was in love with me. He often told me at random that I am enough for him and he doesnt want anyone else. A year later he asked me to marry him...and for someone who was afraid of commitment, that stunned me. Around this time, my health anxiety kicked in. I am a severe hypochondriac with PTSD like issues from excessive, past trauma. I am currently being evaluated. I have had this fluctuating issue since I was 5. My folks instilled that going to a therapist would land me in a padded room. They felt it was my duty to manage my own mind. So I always severely avoided therapists. I told ken openly that I was a hypochondriac and he understood.

A month later, I was on Kens laptop. I ended up getting on the internet and went to my FB. He was still logged in and I saw he messaged Sara and it was suggestive. Like, talking bout how good she was "with your fingers ;)" (they had a minor sexual encounter previously) and other flirty things. This was recent too. She was vaguely discussing wanting to take him to Hawaii after I moved down. That night, I showed him that I saw those msgs, and I was pissed. He wanted to sit with me and run through the convo to clarify it meant nothing. And that they always talked like that jokingly. That he thought about Hawaii, but wouldn't do anything with her. That he just wanted a free vaca cause he felt he deserved it after hotwiring her 3000$ years before to get her teeth fixed. I then did the worst thing out of BLINDING ANGER. The worst thing I have ever done. I made a faux Sara acct spiting myself in order to get Ken to stop talking to her. I made an account, sent myself a text from the faux her, and showed Ken. He was peeved at her and messaged the real her very angry and it got bigger than I really thought it would. I was a total piece of shit for it. He deleted her. I didn't feel good about it, why would I? I knew I had to admit to Ken what I did, no matter the cost! I knew the consequences; leaving me, him talking to her again, getting kicked out, I don't know..but I was prepared for it, so I told him. I didn't excuse myself, I just told him ALL OF IT. His reaction was, like it wasnt a big deal. He wasn't upset. He told me he didnt have any interest in talking to her anyways so he was going to just keep it that way. I was stunned cause I was ready to take the result...but he never did it. He never brought it up again.

Seldomly I would fly off about her. If we were arguing about relevant stuff, the term "your precious fucking Sara" has came out of my mouth once or twice. He also didn't want to (he had plenty of money) help out and temporary loan me money for a dentist bill I had after a ruptured abscess to which I said "Oh, you cant loan me $200 for an emergency but youd instantly hotwire 3 grand to Sara, a fucking World of Warcraft pen pal you met.. 1 TIME." These instances were a long time ago, within a year of him not talking to her...just her in general being old news..I was past it.    A few months later my health anxiety got bad. My hobbies all stopped. All that existed was my fears. For the next few years the anxiety came & went. I would be so out of it, I didnt pay attention to my surroundings. I would ask about health fears to ken which, initially he was ok with, but then it was a regular thing and it really stressed him out.  His personal issues surrounding it werent getting addressed from me cause of my mindset.  If he were to talk about how he feels and I was focused and there, it was often he would say something painful about me or us that I didnt know how to respond other than mild shock or sadness when he was looking for acceptance, so he thought I wasnt prioritizing his feelings. He pushed me many times to go to a psychologist, and I would always put it off, try and get better on my own, fail, and repeat. I kept meaning to go, but I just got clammy and scared. I tried so hard to keep it inside and not burden him cause...I didn't want to burden him with it anymore. Hes my husband, not a crutch. Through the on/off bouts..our lives were, good. We both worked together, had a great routine. 5 out of 7 days Ken would wake me up with a kiss on the cheek and a snuggle, drive to work, go to a restaurant after work, try and beat eachothers score in Cribbage, watch Netflix in bed, sex, and cuddle sleep. 5 nights a week for like...2 yrs. Then, his folks wanted to move to Boise and offered for us to come. I was unsure about this, I was comfortable, but it was an opportunity to go somewhere with more options. We all drove to Idaho last Dec. I had severe anxiety from around February till now. A huge one. And Ken was at the end of his rope with it. We still did all the amazing cuddly, fun things.. but if my health anxiety seeped through at all, it ruined it. My sleeping were off, and I didn't eat much.  Through this all, he always maintained that he just can't deal with my anxiety, he wants me to get help, lost hope, but loves me and wants to be together and would never let me go. This was literally 2 weeks ago that he told me that.

This last Tuesday was The big Kahuna.  Ken seemed odd. I asked him on Monday in bed what was up, if he was distancing himself and he took a second and told me all's good.  On Tuesday we went to eat dinner, cracked some jokes, I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he was all for that. With all the gooey lovely stuff. I came home and gave him a kiss on the forehead as he was texting his best friend April and the text looked like itd be something bad about me, but when I politely asked, he bold face lied to me saying it was about something else, I could tell he was lying and asked if it were really about me and he said "well, yes", "well then why did you lie to me?", "cause I didn't want to start a fight before the movie" . I got angry, not cause he was talking to April about me (i legit don't care) it was him lying to me about me. I blew up over it. He went to the movie alone, and at the end of it texted me with this

"You've never believed how I felt about you. And you're right, I didn't know how to answer your question last night..thats why it took some time to think about. I am going to stop pretending that everything is okay cause it isn't. I don't want to sleep with you anymore, I don't want to do things with you anymore, you're not the person I want to be with. I gave you many chances to get help, I am done and I would like you to go"

I bawled like a baby. I called him making a complete ass out of myself saying he couldn't have meant that, Im sorry, I will go to a therapist, etc...and he was just like ..get a hold of yourself. He has never said that or indicated EVER that he wanted that. Everytime, even weeks before he said he would never leave me. At home i said "Please, i am sorry..." "it's too late" "do you really want me to leave?" "YES" "for good?" "for now" "I will get help for real I will!" "What, you think going to a therapist will make me suddenly have feelings for you again?" "you don't love m---??" "I am going to bed" "but.." "BED. I have to be up at 6" (shuts door). not a tear, not a care, not even anger...just a fed up-ness.

Once I got a hold of myself I wrote him an extensive text stating how I need help, and I can't pretend any longer that I can deal with it on my own, and how I can't use him as a crutch and that I don't blame him for being fed up with it, that it sucks I needed a massive push but I am going to do it and hope it betters myself as a standalone human. I wrote him basically that (summarized). He didn't respond Weds, I contacted every single therapist in town to get an appt in asap...and got one for Friday. I did everything I could to improve at the quality of my day to help clear my head. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, myself, got a decent sleep schedule, made dinner. Ken came home, and seemed...jubilant...about his day (which is normal for him no matter what) The bizarre thing was him being sporadically extremely nice/normal to me but also very distant. I got 1 text from him "I am glad you go an appointment, We'll see how it goes but I want space at home". I respected that, and didn't bother him.

Thursday was much the same. At this point in my head I was done with the 'pining' 'mindset and just...tried to find the positive in that, everything happens for a reason, and maybe my stubborn ass needed a slap to put me in the place I really need to be. I talked to my sister and she understood his need to distance himself, to say "you know what? I am fed up, I can't do this any more unless you get help. I'm done" but made it clear that if I follow through and really give it my 1200% and he still wants out then that is really shitty and says very little about the vows he made.

The next day was my appt. Sitting across from a woman staring at you, talking about your entire life story in order to be assessed was hard. I picked my fingers till they bled I was so nervous. She was worried about PTSD, and it manifesting in some tangible way. She could tell I was extremely nervous and tried to calm me down. Afterward though, it felt...okay. like, I did it, and I will continue to. When I got home, Ken was there. He started talking to me and I took that as it was safe to talk too. He was glad i went..but wary. He was still in that 'place' but he was really seeing I am doing my part. He told me then that he started talking to Sara again. My brain went blank. like the blankest stare. Normally, I would be upset, but I was composed (but dying on the inside). He literally handed me his phone and said i can look at the texts. I was not ready for it. I just got Ken to talk and then this sunk me back down. I read the texts and I didn't know what to think. I remembered all of it or most of it.

S: i am actually confused, why the request now?

K: i wanted to apologize for the loss of it. Long story

S: Sarah was worried I had feelings for you, and what she saw on our FB chat was confirmation enough for her. She snooped through all my chats/texts. She wanted to 'test' me to prove I wouldnt leave her high and dry so she created a fake email that was so similar I didnt notice. And she started emailing me to provoke me.

K: Which was ridiculous and unnecessary. I knew how you felt about a relationship, she didn't. And it was too much for her that we be friends. I had convos with her which she provoked me claiming you sent her these harsh messages. Obviously that pissed me off and she got the response that she wanted. That I dont speak to you again. i didn't want to start conflict so I agreed not to contact you. Which she was monitoring (he literally said he didnt care if I looked! He encouraged it to prove himself). It wasnt until before the wedding that I saw the email acct she made on her computer. I was like, do I call this whole crazy thing off even though we put money into it or live with it. And that's the decision I made. Obviously it wasnt a good decision. My best friend disagreed. She told me what I would be getting into getting married.

S: So why tell me after all this time? Are you still married to her? Someone who would lie so much and hurt someone like that? You don't know how much that hurt"

K: I am sorry, I told her we are done. I wanted to apologize sooner but I didnt want her to see. IDC what she sees now.

S: I actually feel sick. I dont know how to react. How many times have I tried to get you to listen to me? That chick is bag full of shit crazy! I dwelled for months cause my friend didnt believe me. Considering how out of character it was of me.

K: Yeah, it made me sick to find out she played me like that and what I said as a result. I just don't want her in my life anymore.

S: I almost didnt take your friend request cause I thought it might be her

K: cant handle this shit. Like I said, I don't know what I said to you because I was talking to her. I just never knew it it was really you or not so i didn't.

S: All you had to do was call

K: I don't have your number, deleted it long ago. Ill call after work.

(And then just a bunch of random texts about sunrises and misc stuff as well as many calls.)

I was going to vomit. I walked out to have a cigarette to try and compose myself. I asked him to come out and talk with me. Me:"that was painful" Him: "yeah, I knew it would be tough for you to hear" Me: "Do you like her?" Him: "no, I messaged her to apologize and to have a friend back" Me: "you told her you contemplated marrying me then?" Him: "Yeah, I did..that was such a big lie" Me: "it was, and I told you flat out I did it and was prepared for whatever and you just let it go.." Him: "well thats cause I already knew and had time to process. I actually found it on your computer." Me: " You didn't tell me that" Him: shrugs Me: Was it true about why you continued with the wedding?" Him: "I did it cause I love you" Me: "No, you said the money down was a factor in your indecisiveness" Him: "Stop. Why do you do that? Why do you always jump to conclusions and not take what I say? I love you and thats why I did it." Me: "Do you really want a divorce?" Him: "I thought about it the other day yeah." Me: "But, doesnt that even bother you?" Him: "you arent allowed to ask me about my emotions" Me: "okay..I just don't understand why that extreme. We love each other." Him: "You can be divorced and still in love. Lots of divorced people are in love..." Him: "I want to be with you. I love you. I never wanted it to get to this point, to contemplate leaving you, but I don't want to live like this (cries) with you refusing anxiety help." Me: "I am going to someone, I am really on this. This is it" Him: "I want to see you get help and I want you back"

Later I said, verbatim "I am going to try and be okay with the Sara thing. It hurts, I hate it, but I am trying here" and he said "you arent going to dictate who I want to talk to or who I want to be friends with. Its none of your business". He has made it very clear that I have to earn him back and that if I am not cool with something, tough shit.

I have him back, kinda. Now he is in a...'it is going to take some time to earn my trust back but I want the anxietyless you cause I love you and I am proud you will get help' mode. I am going to continue to do my part.

Now Ken is trying to do stuff with me. Yesterday we went to a BBQ pit, he was laughing at my jokes, if he saw i had goosebumps he's stroke his finger on my arm and giggle or offer his coat. I mean, he genuinely seemed to regurgitate spite for me about something I did and was addressed 3.5 fucking years ago. My addmittance to it meant nothing at all. He said for 3 years, even at random that he didn't care about her or like, she was so far gone from his memory. But alas, was a lie cause he didnt want to stir anything with me. Its like doing something bad, going to the police to admit my crimes, and then sending me home after admittance...only to decide to arrest me for it years later. I don't know how to feel. On one hand I understand him lying to spare my feelings/not start anything...but on the other hand, he lied for 3 years about something he played off as nothing..when it was something he secretly held against me. Is it right to do that if I am someone who gets mad about certain things/hurt? I honestly dont know... Help...

Submitted April 08, 2019 at 03:37AM

My best friend invited me to come to Colorado to her friends wedding that she was officiating. When we got there, that is when I met Ken (Ken is a F2M trans person). We hung out together a lot. One night, we laid on the mountain top staring at the sky, talking, laughing.  He then told me passively about his gf, I was kinda bummed out, but enjoyed the friendship. The next night, he asked me what I thought about polygamy. That was unexpected, and I never thought about it. I told him just that, nodded his head and started talking about an old crush of his who broke his heart, who he didn't trust anymore (Sara). I listened to it all in stride. Also to note, Ken has an extremely mild case of Aspbergers.After all that, the next few months were a lot of texting/calling. Casual conversation. At that time I wasnt sure what kind of relationship he had with Angela (gf). Was it open? I admitted to him one night that I had a crush on him, he reciprocated. I asked about Angela and he told me he was looking to end things with her, but didnt want to hurt her. I told him not to string her along. He said that she agreed to his need for 'free love'. The next month I came to visit him. The first thing I saw was a plethora of photos on his walls, including me. Sara was all over the place, in frames, even his old Swarovski wedding frame. He showed me tons of entries he wrote down about her, love poems, copies of things she said, it was over the top. I just noticed at the time, but didn't really care about it. Angela was there 90% of the time, she came over and he would 100% ignore me and get all cuddly and schmoozy with her. I felt like I was entertaining myself. I mentioned it to him cause he seemed oblivious, and he told me she wanted to be there so he had to prove all was well to keep her happy. The one day she didnt come over we slept in bed and had sex. He had said they had an open thing, so I thought it was ok. I mentioned the fact I liked the idea of a relationship with him & he acted like he didnt want to make commitments. Remember, 'free-love'. The next night we (Angela too) went to a gay club and he was allll over this guy there. He was talking to me about him like "mmm I bet he is fun to play with ;)". That night Angela spent the night with him and I slept on the air mattress.  The next night, I got a call from my mom saying that my dad unexpectedly took a turn for the worst and was intubated. I went back home the next day to find he was dying. He died later that night of severe sepsis. The hardest moment of my life.The next few months, me and Ken continued to talk. Him and Angela's relationship was still there, and he just kept saying he was intending on ending it. Then he said he would wait till he got back from Cali (a trip to visit her family/Ken to meet family). After the trip, he did it.After a few more visits, we talked vaguely about me moving down. At this point Ken was in a "can't we just be" instead of committing zone. I wanted more but tried to open up to his ideas. About 2 days before I moved down he told me casually that he got the random guy that he hit on/wanted to sleep with at the bar to move in (Matt). I hung up lol. He called back like "did I say something wrong?"  I told him I wasnt going to do that and he reassured me it is just for extra rent $. No interest. I accepted that. I moved in. Matt and Ken clashed and Ken couldnt stand him after a few months. They never did anything. Ken told me he was in love with me. He often told me at random that I am enough for him and he doesnt want anyone else. A year later he asked me to marry him...and for someone who was afraid of commitment, that stunned me. Around this time, my health anxiety kicked in. I am a severe hypochondriac with PTSD like issues from excessive, past trauma. I am currently being evaluated. I have had this fluctuating issue since I was 5. My folks instilled that going to a therapist would land me in a padded room. They felt it was my duty to manage my own mind. So I always severely avoided therapists. I told ken openly that I was a hypochondriac and he understood.A month later, I was on Kens laptop. I ended up getting on the internet and went to my FB. He was still logged in and I saw he messaged Sara and it was suggestive. Like, talking bout how good she was "with your fingers ;)" (they had a minor sexual encounter previously) and other flirty things. This was recent too. She was vaguely discussing wanting to take him to Hawaii after I moved down. That night, I showed him that I saw those msgs, and I was pissed. He wanted to sit with me and run through the convo to clarify it meant nothing. And that they always talked like that jokingly. That he thought about Hawaii, but wouldn't do anything with her. That he just wanted a free vaca cause he felt he deserved it after hotwiring her 3000$ years before to get her teeth fixed. I then did the worst thing out of BLINDING ANGER. The worst thing I have ever done. I made a faux Sara acct spiting myself in order to get Ken to stop talking to her. I made an account, sent myself a text from the faux her, and showed Ken. He was peeved at her and messaged the real her very angry and it got bigger than I really thought it would. I was a total piece of shit for it. He deleted her. I didn't feel good about it, why would I? I knew I had to admit to Ken what I did, no matter the cost! I knew the consequences; leaving me, him talking to her again, getting kicked out, I don't know..but I was prepared for it, so I told him. I didn't excuse myself, I just told him ALL OF IT. His reaction was, like it wasnt a big deal. He wasn't upset. He told me he didnt have any interest in talking to her anyways so he was going to just keep it that way. I was stunned cause I was ready to take the result...but he never did it. He never brought it up again.Seldomly I would fly off about her. If we were arguing about relevant stuff, the term "your precious fucking Sara" has came out of my mouth once or twice. He also didn't want to (he had plenty of money) help out and temporary loan me money for a dentist bill I had after a ruptured abscess to which I said "Oh, you cant loan me $200 for an emergency but youd instantly hotwire 3 grand to Sara, a fucking World of Warcraft pen pal you met.. 1 TIME." These instances were a long time ago, within a year of him not talking to her...just her in general being old news..I was past it.    A few months later my health anxiety got bad. My hobbies all stopped. All that existed was my fears. For the next few years the anxiety came & went. I would be so out of it, I didnt pay attention to my surroundings. I would ask about health fears to ken which, initially he was ok with, but then it was a regular thing and it really stressed him out.  His personal issues surrounding it werent getting addressed from me cause of my mindset.  If he were to talk about how he feels and I was focused and there, it was often he would say something painful about me or us that I didnt know how to respond other than mild shock or sadness when he was looking for acceptance, so he thought I wasnt prioritizing his feelings. He pushed me many times to go to a psychologist, and I would always put it off, try and get better on my own, fail, and repeat. I kept meaning to go, but I just got clammy and scared. I tried so hard to keep it inside and not burden him cause...I didn't want to burden him with it anymore. Hes my husband, not a crutch. Through the on/off bouts..our lives were, good. We both worked together, had a great routine. 5 out of 7 days Ken would wake me up with a kiss on the cheek and a snuggle, drive to work, go to a restaurant after work, try and beat eachothers score in Cribbage, watch Netflix in bed, sex, and cuddle sleep. 5 nights a week for like...2 yrs. Then, his folks wanted to move to Boise and offered for us to come. I was unsure about this, I was comfortable, but it was an opportunity to go somewhere with more options. We all drove to Idaho last Dec. I had severe anxiety from around February till now. A huge one. And Ken was at the end of his rope with it. We still did all the amazing cuddly, fun things.. but if my health anxiety seeped through at all, it ruined it. My sleeping were off, and I didn't eat much.  Through this all, he always maintained that he just can't deal with my anxiety, he wants me to get help, lost hope, but loves me and wants to be together and would never let me go. This was literally 2 weeks ago that he told me that.This last Tuesday was The big Kahuna.  Ken seemed odd. I asked him on Monday in bed what was up, if he was distancing himself and he took a second and told me all's good.  On Tuesday we went to eat dinner, cracked some jokes, I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he was all for that. With all the gooey lovely stuff. I came home and gave him a kiss on the forehead as he was texting his best friend April and the text looked like itd be something bad about me, but when I politely asked, he bold face lied to me saying it was about something else, I could tell he was lying and asked if it were really about me and he said "well, yes", "well then why did you lie to me?", "cause I didn't want to start a fight before the movie" . I got angry, not cause he was talking to April about me (i legit don't care) it was him lying to me about me. I blew up over it. He went to the movie alone, and at the end of it texted me with this"You've never believed how I felt about you. And you're right, I didn't know how to answer your question last night..thats why it took some time to think about. I am going to stop pretending that everything is okay cause it isn't. I don't want to sleep with you anymore, I don't want to do things with you anymore, you're not the person I want to be with. I gave you many chances to get help, I am done and I would like you to go"I bawled like a baby. I called him making a complete ass out of myself saying he couldn't have meant that, Im sorry, I will go to a therapist, etc...and he was just like ..get a hold of yourself. He has never said that or indicated EVER that he wanted that. Everytime, even weeks before he said he would never leave me. At home i said "Please, i am sorry..." "it's too late" "do you really want me to leave?" "YES" "for good?" "for now" "I will get help for real I will!" "What, you think going to a therapist will make me suddenly have feelings for you again?" "you don't love m---??" "I am going to bed" "but.." "BED. I have to be up at 6" (shuts door). not a tear, not a care, not even anger...just a fed up-ness.Once I got a hold of myself I wrote him an extensive text stating how I need help, and I can't pretend any longer that I can deal with it on my own, and how I can't use him as a crutch and that I don't blame him for being fed up with it, that it sucks I needed a massive push but I am going to do it and hope it betters myself as a standalone human. I wrote him basically that (summarized). He didn't respond Weds, I contacted every single therapist in town to get an appt in asap...and got one for Friday. I did everything I could to improve at the quality of my day to help clear my head. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, myself, got a decent sleep schedule, made dinner. Ken came home, and seemed...jubilant...about his day (which is normal for him no matter what) The bizarre thing was him being sporadically extremely nice/normal to me but also very distant. I got 1 text from him "I am glad you go an appointment, We'll see how it goes but I want space at home". I respected that, and didn't bother him.Thursday was much the same. At this point in my head I was done with the 'pining' 'mindset and just...tried to find the positive in that, everything happens for a reason, and maybe my stubborn ass needed a slap to put me in the place I really need to be. I talked to my sister and she understood his need to distance himself, to say "you know what? I am fed up, I can't do this any more unless you get help. I'm done" but made it clear that if I follow through and really give it my 1200% and he still wants out then that is really shitty and says very little about the vows he made.The next day was my appt. Sitting across from a woman staring at you, talking about your entire life story in order to be assessed was hard. I picked my fingers till they bled I was so nervous. She was worried about PTSD, and it manifesting in some tangible way. She could tell I was extremely nervous and tried to calm me down. Afterward though, it felt...okay. like, I did it, and I will continue to. When I got home, Ken was there. He started talking to me and I took that as it was safe to talk too. He was glad i went..but wary. He was still in that 'place' but he was really seeing I am doing my part. He told me then that he started talking to Sara again. My brain went blank. like the blankest stare. Normally, I would be upset, but I was composed (but dying on the inside). He literally handed me his phone and said i can look at the texts. I was not ready for it. I just got Ken to talk and then this sunk me back down. I read the texts and I didn't know what to think. I remembered all of it or most of it.S: i am actually confused, why the request now?K: i wanted to apologize for the loss of it. Long storyS: Sarah was worried I had feelings for you, and what she saw on our FB chat was confirmation enough for her. She snooped through all my chats/texts. She wanted to 'test' me to prove I wouldnt leave her high and dry so she created a fake email that was so similar I didnt notice. And she started emailing me to provoke me.K: Which was ridiculous and unnecessary. I knew how you felt about a relationship, she didn't. And it was too much for her that we be friends. I had convos with her which she provoked me claiming you sent her these harsh messages. Obviously that pissed me off and she got the response that she wanted. That I dont speak to you again. i didn't want to start conflict so I agreed not to contact you. Which she was monitoring (he literally said he didnt care if I looked! He encouraged it to prove himself). It wasnt until before the wedding that I saw the email acct she made on her computer. I was like, do I call this whole crazy thing off even though we put money into it or live with it. And that's the decision I made. Obviously it wasnt a good decision. My best friend disagreed. She told me what I would be getting into getting married.S: So why tell me after all this time? Are you still married to her? Someone who would lie so much and hurt someone like that? You don't know how much that hurt"K: I am sorry, I told her we are done. I wanted to apologize sooner but I didnt want her to see. IDC what she sees now.S: I actually feel sick. I dont know how to react. How many times have I tried to get you to listen to me? That chick is bag full of shit crazy! I dwelled for months cause my friend didnt believe me. Considering how out of character it was of me.K: Yeah, it made me sick to find out she played me like that and what I said as a result. I just don't want her in my life anymore.S: I almost didnt take your friend request cause I thought it might be herK: cant handle this shit. Like I said, I don't know what I said to you because I was talking to her. I just never knew it it was really you or not so i didn't.S: All you had to do was callK: I don't have your number, deleted it long ago. Ill call after work.(And then just a bunch of random texts about sunrises and misc stuff as well as many calls.)I was going to vomit. I walked out to have a cigarette to try and compose myself. I asked him to come out and talk with me. Me:"that was painful" Him: "yeah, I knew it would be tough for you to hear" Me: "Do you like her?" Him: "no, I messaged her to apologize and to have a friend back" Me: "you told her you contemplated marrying me then?" Him: "Yeah, I did..that was such a big lie" Me: "it was, and I told you flat out I did it and was prepared for whatever and you just let it go.." Him: "well thats cause I already knew and had time to process. I actually found it on your computer." Me: " You didn't tell me that" Him: shrugs Me: Was it true about why you continued with the wedding?" Him: "I did it cause I love you" Me: "No, you said the money down was a factor in your indecisiveness" Him: "Stop. Why do you do that? Why do you always jump to conclusions and not take what I say? I love you and thats why I did it." Me: "Do you really want a divorce?" Him: "I thought about it the other day yeah." Me: "But, doesnt that even bother you?" Him: "you arent allowed to ask me about my emotions" Me: "okay..I just don't understand why that extreme. We love each other." Him: "You can be divorced and still in love. Lots of divorced people are in love..." Him: "I want to be with you. I love you. I never wanted it to get to this point, to contemplate leaving you, but I don't want to live like this (cries) with you refusing anxiety help." Me: "I am going to someone, I am really on this. This is it" Him: "I want to see you get help and I want you back"Later I said, verbatim "I am going to try and be okay with the Sara thing. It hurts, I hate it, but I am trying here" and he said "you arent going to dictate who I want to talk to or who I want to be friends with. Its none of your business". He has made it very clear that I have to earn him back and that if I am not cool with something, tough shit.I have him back, kinda. Now he is in a...'it is going to take some time to earn my trust back but I want the anxietyless you cause I love you and I am proud you will get help' mode. I am going to continue to do my part.Now Ken is trying to do stuff with me. Yesterday we went to a BBQ pit, he was laughing at my jokes, if he saw i had goosebumps he's stroke his finger on my arm and giggle or offer his coat. I mean, he genuinely seemed to regurgitate spite for me about something I did and was addressed 3.5 fucking years ago. My addmittance to it meant nothing at all. He said for 3 years, even at random that he didn't care about her or like, she was so far gone from his memory. But alas, was a lie cause he didnt want to stir anything with me. Its like doing something bad, going to the police to admit my crimes, and then sending me home after admittance...only to decide to arrest me for it years later. I don't know how to feel. On one hand I understand him lying to spare my feelings/not start anything...but on the other hand, he lied for 3 years about something he played off as nothing..when it was something he secretly held against me. Is it right to do that if I am someone who gets mad about certain things/hurt? I honestly dont know... Help...