My (21/F) relationship w my boyfriend (24/M) seems stagnant. How do we get out of the rut?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. Of course, the first year was the beautiful honeymoon phase and things settle down by year 3. But being in our early 20s, I'm surprised and saddened to see how rapidly our relationship has declined. Here are some factors that I'm unsure how to address or work around:

• I have severe self-esteem issues about my body. Most of them pertain to my physical fitness or my level of grooming/shaving. This wasn't an issue in the past because when I was younger, I had more opportunities to work out regularly and my body was just simply better the metabolizing food. Furthermore, I didn't work a 9 to 5 or have the stress of graduating, so I would take hour-long showers every other day and shave and exfoliating and all that jazz. Now, the best I can do is shampoo, condition, and hit the sack. I know, I know, "he doesn't care." But I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do, and it's killing our sex life.

• He has let himself go, too. While there hasn't been much of a change in my physique and my self esteem issues are largely my imagination betraying me, my boyfriend has drastically changed in three years. He's gained at least 30 pounds. His family and his very close friends joke about how fat he's gotten. He doesn't fit into any of his old shirts. He doesn't like being fat, but he doesn't work out at all. I can understand his laziness, however, because I suffer from the same laziness. It comes from being extremely busy and stressed in other parts of our lives, which is why this is an issue I'm struggling to work around and am hoping for your advice.

• We haven't had sex in about two weeks. I know, it sounds like such a short period of time to people who are truly going through a dry spell. But it's a bit more than that. It's the first time in a long time that we've gone this long without sex. The last time was when I was gravely ill this time last year. I just have zero libido. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to fuck. But... he doesn't arouse me like he used to, I'm put off by both of our bodies, and our timing is usually so incongruent.

• Our routines are terrible but necessary. He's highly knowledgeable and in niche software, so he has the potential to earn 6 or close to 6 figs starting salary. But he doesn't want to work under people so he's working all day to build his own firm out of which he works contract jobs, so he's constantly worried about the supply of high-paying contracts in his area running out. At the same time, he's also working a more stable part-time job where he often seems like the only competent person. He's shouldering far too much of the burden for what he's being paid, but it's the only job that gives him the flexibility to work from home, make up his own hours, hand pick his own team of developers, and pays him enough to cover rent. I'm finishing my final year at uni, working a 9-5 internship, and desperately job hunting for the summer. When I get to his place around 6pm, I'll tackle a couple chores, watch TV w the roommates, and go to sleep.

• We see too much of each other in ordinary settings. As in, he sees me being a slob in my sweatpants and one of his big t-shirts, walking around with no makeup. I see him getting fatter by the day, sedentary all the time, a total workaholic. We haven't been on a date in... shit, I actually don't know. I've no recollection of the last time we went on a date.

TL;DR: Two young people, deeply in love, have fallen into a rut and out of lust. How can I work to address the underlying issues and undo this problem? How can I inspire him to work to fix these issues too?

EDIT: I got kind of snappy the other day because he bought a pair of fishnets that he's been constantly bugging me to wear for sex and I just lost it and said I have zero libido and instead of noticing it and trying to fix it, he just keeps pushing his desires onto me. My interest in him, sexually, and in sex in general, has hit a rock bottom. Every time he brings up those fucking tights I want him less than ever.

Submitted April 08, 2019 at 05:55AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. Of course, the first year was the beautiful honeymoon phase and things settle down by year 3. But being in our early 20s, I'm surprised and saddened to see how rapidly our relationship has declined. Here are some factors that I'm unsure how to address or work around:I have severe self-esteem issues about my body. Most of them pertain to my physical fitness or my level of grooming/shaving. This wasn't an issue in the past because when I was younger, I had more opportunities to work out regularly and my body was just simply better the metabolizing food. Furthermore, I didn't work a 9 to 5 or have the stress of graduating, so I would take hour-long showers every other day and shave and exfoliating and all that jazz. Now, the best I can do is shampoo, condition, and hit the sack. I know, I know, "he doesn't care." But I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do, and it's killing our sex life.He has let himself go, too. While there hasn't been much of a change in my physique and my self esteem issues are largely my imagination betraying me, my boyfriend has drastically changed in three years. He's gained at least 30 pounds. His family and his very close friends joke about how fat he's gotten. He doesn't fit into any of his old shirts. He doesn't like being fat, but he doesn't work out at all. I can understand his laziness, however, because I suffer from the same laziness. It comes from being extremely busy and stressed in other parts of our lives, which is why this is an issue I'm struggling to work around and am hoping for your advice.We haven't had sex in about two weeks. I know, it sounds like such a short period of time to people who are truly going through a dry spell. But it's a bit more than that. It's the first time in a long time that we've gone this long without sex. The last time was when I was gravely ill this time last year. I just have zero libido. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to fuck. But... he doesn't arouse me like he used to, I'm put off by both of our bodies, and our timing is usually so incongruent.Our routines are terrible but necessary. He's highly knowledgeable and in niche software, so he has the potential to earn 6 or close to 6 figs starting salary. But he doesn't want to work under people so he's working all day to build his own firm out of which he works contract jobs, so he's constantly worried about the supply of high-paying contracts in his area running out. At the same time, he's also working a more stable part-time job where he often seems like the only competent person. He's shouldering far too much of the burden for what he's being paid, but it's the only job that gives him the flexibility to work from home, make up his own hours, hand pick his own team of developers, and pays him enough to cover rent. I'm finishing my final year at uni, working a 9-5 internship, and desperately job hunting for the summer. When I get to his place around 6pm, I'll tackle a couple chores, watch TV w the roommates, and go to sleep.We see too much of each other in ordinary settings. As in, he sees me being a slob in my sweatpants and one of his big t-shirts, walking around with no makeup. I see him getting fatter by the day, sedentary all the time, a total workaholic. We haven't been on a date in... shit, I actually don't know. I've no recollection of the last time we went on a date.TL;DR: Two young people, deeply in love, have fallen into a rut and out of lust. How can I work to address the underlying issues and undo this problem? How can I inspire him to work to fix these issues too?EDIT: I got kind of snappy the other day because he bought a pair of fishnets that he's been constantly bugging me to wear for sex and I just lost it and said I have zero libido and instead of noticing it and trying to fix it, he just keeps pushing his desires onto me. My interest in him, sexually, and in sex in general, has hit a rock bottom. Every time he brings up those fucking tights I want him less than ever.