My girlfriend says I am not present, and I only form surface-level relationships. Please help me understand what she means, and what she wnats.

Just some background information: We are both 30 years old, we have been together for just over 5 years. We own a home together. I am currently in school for my third degree, and I work ridiculous shifts at work (today I went to school from 7:30am to 5pm, and am currently working overnight from 7pm to 7am), so I have been a little more depressed and fatigued than my norm. I mean my body and mind are truly exhausted from everything I have going on. We had a conversation about the problem last night, and unfortunately it had to end short because we had long days ahead.

Regarding the surface-level relationships, she says that most of my conversations and interactions that I have with others are genuine, but about superficial subjects, so I do not form deep relationships with others. This is true. I am an introvert at heart and I work in a field where I constantly have to talk to people about their problems all day long, so I get exhausted with talking about non-surface-level things. Same thing goes with most of my friends - I almost never talk about anything other than general interests and jokes. I am extremely close to my parents and I thought I had deep conversations with them, but my girlfriend still says the conversations are very superficial. She just said that she thinks its odd that I don't have any deeper relationship with anyone at all. I do not understand this.

Regarding not being present, I still can't understand what she was trying to say. She said "something is missing" and I just don't act present. I asked her if I am even capable of these deeper conversations and presence that she wants, and she says yes, I used to do it a lot when I met her, and I still do it here and there. I just don't understand what I do different during those times. She says that sometimes when I get home from work and she is preparing food or doing something, I am on my phone while talking to her. While she is right, I feel like on a bad day, I have my phone out 20% of the time and am still able to hold the conversation, and on a regular day I have my phone out 5-10% of the time and am able to hold the conversation. But she has a point, I can put my phone away. Then it rolls back into the first problem: I don't know what to talk about that isn't surface-level.

I want to try to get better for her, and since I have time now, maybe someone can help me sort through this. I can give you reasons for why I am this way, but I don't know how to change any of it. I think a significant portion of the problem is coming from her frustration that I haven't proposed to her yet. This is a loaded issue, because aside from logistic reasons as to why I cannot do that now (lack of stable job, don't have the money for it while in school), I also have this belief that is hard for me to explain without sounding bad. The best way I can explain it, is that I do genuinely love my girlfriend and I do want to be with her, but I do not believe in love. I feel that my life experiences have made me this superficial and somewhat distant person, but I genuinely do not know what she wants from me. I can put my phone away and spend uninterrupted time with her, but I just don't know what to talk about.

Can anyone help me figure this out? I don't know how to form that closer bond that she wants.

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TL;DR!
Girlfriend of 5 years says that she feels that I am not present when I interact with her, and that I only have surface-level conversations with others (everyone: her, my parents, my friends, etc). I do not know how to form the type of closer bond that she wants.

Submitted April 08, 2019 at 06:32AM

Just some background information: We are both 30 years old, we have been together for just over 5 years. We own a home together. I am currently in school for my third degree, and I work ridiculous shifts at work (today I went to school from 7:30am to 5pm, and am currently working overnight from 7pm to 7am), so I have been a little more depressed and fatigued than my norm. I mean my body and mind are truly exhausted from everything I have going on. We had a conversation about the problem last night, and unfortunately it had to end short because we had long days ahead.Regarding the surface-level relationships, she says that most of my conversations and interactions that I have with others are genuine, but about superficial subjects, so I do not form deep relationships with others. This is true. I am an introvert at heart and I work in a field where I constantly have to talk to people about their problems all day long, so I get exhausted with talking about non-surface-level things. Same thing goes with most of my friends - I almost never talk about anything other than general interests and jokes. I am extremely close to my parents and I thought I had deep conversations with them, but my girlfriend still says the conversations are very superficial. She just said that she thinks its odd that I don't have any deeper relationship with anyone at all. I do not understand this.Regarding not being present, I still can't understand what she was trying to say. She said "something is missing" and I just don't act present. I asked her if I am even capable of these deeper conversations and presence that she wants, and she says yes, I used to do it a lot when I met her, and I still do it here and there. I just don't understand what I do different during those times. She says that sometimes when I get home from work and she is preparing food or doing something, I am on my phone while talking to her. While she is right, I feel like on a bad day, I have my phone out 20% of the time and am still able to hold the conversation, and on a regular day I have my phone out 5-10% of the time and am able to hold the conversation. But she has a point, I can put my phone away. Then it rolls back into the first problem: I don't know what to talk about that isn't surface-level.I want to try to get better for her, and since I have time now, maybe someone can help me sort through this. I can give you reasons for why I am this way, but I don't know how to change any of it. I think a significant portion of the problem is coming from her frustration that I haven't proposed to her yet. This is a loaded issue, because aside from logistic reasons as to why I cannot do that now (lack of stable job, don't have the money for it while in school), I also have this belief that is hard for me to explain without sounding bad. The best way I can explain it, is that I do genuinely love my girlfriend and I do want to be with her, but I do not believe in love. I feel that my life experiences have made me this superficial and somewhat distant person, but I genuinely do not know what she wants from me. I can put my phone away and spend uninterrupted time with her, but I just don't know what to talk about.Can anyone help me figure this out? I don't know how to form that closer bond that she wants.---TL;DR!Girlfriend of 5 years says that she feels that I am not present when I interact with her, and that I only have surface-level conversations with others (everyone: her, my parents, my friends, etc). I do not know how to form the type of closer bond that she wants.