Just Like Friends

There is this boy. Johnny. He's a friend of mine. Or was. I don’t even know what we actually are anymore. But let’s start by the beginning:

We met because of my best friend Ken. My best friend Ken changed high school so he was in my high school and Johnny was in his class because he changed high school too. So, I started hanging more with Ken again. I don’t know, we were chilling even if we weren’t going on the same school but now we made lunch together and talked in breaks and stuff like that. There was just more of me and Ken. Johnny was with us too because he and Ken liked each other from the first day on. They became very soon very close friends and they were so funny together and I don't know... they just matched perfectly. They are just at the same stupidity level. Just two stupid kids. I have to say I wasn't jealous at all. I swear I liked it actually. Because I didn’t want my best friend to be alone in class and just sitting there. Anyway, they never ever excluded me or something. We were chilling all together and I really liked it with them. Because they were so damn funny together and every time I was chilling with them I forgot every stressful thing in my life. They just made my day every day. There were just we three. Almost the whole high school was hating us and talking shit about us. Like I was a fucking whore, Johnny was a fuckboy and Ken just a jerk. They were always waiting for us to do something bad and they turned everything in the worst way impossible just to fuck us up. But we never ever cared about all this stuff. We were just there and laughing about all these dumbasses.

Anyway... the boy. Johnny. You know, this story is all about him so let’s get into him; I never felt something like "I like him in this way", “He’s kinda sweet”, “He’s actually hot” or something like this. NEVER EVER. I just liked him as a friend. But to be honest... sometimes it was weird to talk to him about private thing because we didn’t know us very well. Sometimes I thought “What would he be thinking of me when I tell him this?”. So, I always felt something but I couldn't name the feeling. At this moment I didn't think there were real feelings in there but on the other hand I known. I DON'T KNOE HOW TO DESCRIBE THIS FEELING AT THIS TIME. But the problem is neither can I today. Anyway, nothing happened. NEVER. A year passed away and nothing happened between us in this way. In this whole year I never felt something when he touched me or looked into my eyes... Alright, to be honest... sometimes I felt something but that was almost nothing. Just something that was so little that I never paid attention. I thought there would never ever be anything. So, I dropped it really quickly. That was really unusual for me because I'm really bad at letting things go...

Another days, weeks and months passed away and everything was great. We were always there for each other. Always. But then something happened. A few weeks ago, me and Johnny started talking about things we weren't telling or talking about with Ken. It was kinda weird. I honestly felt pretty bad when we did this but I really liked it because we had something that just was "our little something". We talked about going to concerts, festivals and holidays but just the two of us. Really soon the day came we started talking about relationships and sex. We talked about what we always wanted and what we liked. We figured out that we wanted the exact same things. There was something between us but we acted like we didn't care or mentioned it. But we knew for ourself that there was something between us and we wanted each other but never ever said something. We just smiled and kept talking about shit. It was quite strange but this strange feeling was really quick gone. But then we started imagining and talking about how great it would be if WE would start this kind of relationship but not a girlfriend and boyfriend thing. Something like "friends with benefits". But I exactly know that we both act like we were just making fun of these things in case one would dump the other one. Quite clever. But after a few conversations like that it seemed like we both were waiting for someone of us to ask the other one to start this thing finally.

So, I asked: "When are you finally going to ask me if we could start this?" Johnny: "I'm waiting for you to do it" Me: "Do you want to start this kind of relationship with me?" Johnny: "OF COURSE, WHAT A QUESTION YOU STUPID LITTLE THING"

So, we talked a lot about this. And i mean A LOT. We never did something, we just talked about what we wanted. It seemed like we would never going to make it. We waited a long time and talked about EVERYTHING because we really wanted this to work out perfectly. I mean it would've been horrible if it wouldn't work out and then we would hate each other and our whole friendship would fall apart. But not just between me and Johnny. Also between me and Ken. And Ken and Johnny. Everything would be gone and we would be alone.

I don't know. Something inside me told me it was wrong but I felt more than "oh, I just want sex with this kind of cute boy". I'm going to tell you A LITTLE BIT more about him and myself: I'm a person which loves to laugh and laughs a lot but my REAL laugh comes hardly out. Almost never to be honest. But his jokes and comments brought me so often to laugh. My real laugh. And when someone brings me to bring my real laugh out... boy, I'm literally 80% in love with you. He's the hottest boy and EVERY girl likes him but it's more than this that makes him so attractive. I can't describe what it is. It could be his appearance. His sense of humor? Yeah, it's probably that. Boy, I don't know. Anyway, I was always afraid of losing him and Ken. Because they always said that they two would stick together. Because... they were booooys. They always stick together.

In the time we talked about our future "friend with benefits"-relationship we were very often mad. Ugh, so many times. Sometimes he was mad because I didn't touch him or something like that. Sounds pretty strange, doesn't it? But boy, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of the moment that people would figure that out and Ken would start hating us because we didn't tell him what we were actually doing. I don't know, it was more complicated than we thought it would be. But we didn't through it away. We said everything would be okay and we would figure out what to do. But the good thing was that we were able to talk about everything because we were good friends. So, these pretty bad stages of talking about all this stuff were soon gone.

Then FINALLY the day came: We were out and hanging around together and we were suddenly embarrassed by each other. It was so strange because we never felt something like this with each other. We said, "should we kiss now?" and things like this OH MY GOD this was so weird. I could literally threw my whole dinner on his face. We were freezing, it was so hard to talk and think.

BUT THEN he put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. LIKE IT WAS NOTHING OH MY GOD. I swear to everything I have never felt so much while kissing. I felt like I was a little girl getting a new toy. I was so delighted. It was so good and I really felt comfortable but kind of still embarrassed but in a cute way.

Then we suddenly stopped because some people were there. It was such an embarrassing moment but we laughed and it was a really cute moment. Then we walked for about an hour or two just around and talked as always. He showed me his village. There was nothing more than this one kiss.

I never felt this close to a boy. I mean HEEEEEEYYYY, we were kissing and talking about everything. I know this sounds stupid but for me it was something special. It wasn't a strange moment anymore just because we kissed. You could actually say we were relieved because we finally did it.

Then he told me what he was feeling. How it was how much he liked me and how cool I am. It was really stupid but also really sweet. I never felt so happy. I know things like that are always told but this time I really felt it and I meant it. I finally really knew what the other person was thinking and feeling and everything felt so clean and real. I went home and I couldn't stop smiling. I was never sure about someone really liking me like he did.

A few days later I visited him at home. We knew we wouldn't just been talking. We would have sex. It was like an arrangement. Actually, it was an arrangement. I was looking forward to see him again and kiss him and yeah... I couldn't wait anymore. The moment: I was there we took our clothes off and just laid in bed. We didn't touch each other and we didn't talk. It was quite strange and cringe. I don't know but I still was sure it would be the right thing but I was so damn scared that it would be bad and he would hate me after that. I just wanted to be perfect for him. I wanted him to like me more than just a friend. Yes, I said I didn't want a real relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend but something between friends and relationship. I really don't know why I wanted him to like me more than a friend. Anyway, we just said "We should probably start, because I have to be home at 12 o'clock." So he leaned over me and kissed me. This kiss was so perfect. It happened so much inside me and at the same time I forgot everything around me. Around us. And then the time came. We had sex. We had great sex. Everytime we touched or kissed each other it was like a firework. The whole sex was a firework. It was so intense. Just WOW. After the first round we were so exhausted that we couldn't talk anymore. We just smiled and I was just on my way to sleep. Then he saw that I literally destroyed his back. We started laughing and making fun of each other. There was this part of being friends. I loved it that way. Then we were just hanging on our phones... I think that was kinda stupid because we could have talked to each other and I really wanted to but I think he didn't want to. That's the first moment I thought that he didn't want to speak to me and that he just wanted sex and nothing more. That hurt so bad. I was really mad but of course he didn't noticed anything BECAUSE he was on his damn phone. Boy, if I'm laying next to you in a damn bed what's more interesting than me? And I was fucking naked. I felt ugly, gross, disgusting. Just everything bad in the world.

Then the second round came. It was so much better than the first one. I know we didn't have that much time but I expected a little cuddle time. I don't know... just like 5 minutes or something. Just a little. But what happened? He put his clothes on so I did too and he went downstairs, so did I. We were in front of his front door and yeah. Nothing really happened. I put my shoes on and we said bye and that's it. I was on my way home.

On one hand I was happy like never before but on the other I thought that was the end. I thought either we would never talk to each other like usual again or we would just have sex and that's it. Nothing more than physical contact and that destroyed me. I already missed him. I missed talking to him, I missed hanging around with him, I missed making fun of other bitches with him I just missed everything in this moment with him. Rather we end all this than destroying our friendship. I know it's really stupid to overthink everything but at this moment it was really hard to not do that. I was sitting around in this damn train, the battery on my phone was about to run out and no one was there. So, I just had my thoughts. I had to last more than an hour in this train. So, I started to think, think and think. TO OVERTHINK. I thought the sex was lame, that I was lame, just that everything with me actually is lame. There was nothing positive I could think about. I didn't find anything positive. Literally nothing. I was worrying. So damn hard that my head started aching.

As soon as I got home I just wanted to sleep but he texted me. I looked at all his texts and I thought I had to cry. He said how great it was and how much he loves it to just chill around with me and also have sex. I was so relieved that I just said "me too" and fell asleep. I fell very happily asleep. With a smile on my face. A real one.

The next day was a disaster. We promised to keep our thing a secret and don't tell anything to anybody. But I was so confused that I had to talk to somebody about what was going on. I met a girl and she seemed to be really nice and we talked about our boys and everything but of course without naming anything. Everything was anonymous. But then she received a message. She started telling me about this boy and I thought a second to know him. Then she showed me the texts and I saw the name. His name. Johnnys name. She told me how annoying he was and what a damn jerk he was. I was angry, I was speechless. I didn't know what to do, what to think or what to say. She got it. She knew it was him. We stopped talking. We were both speechless. Then she told me that she send him some messages with pictures of me. I exploded. I knew he would get it and then he would explode. I fucking knew it. It didn't last long so he texted me. He told me how stupid I was and then I tried to explain everything how it came to this point. He didn't believed me, he was so damn angry and then he said I should leave him alone and just fuck off.

So, I did.

I left him alone but I felt so empty. Not clean anymore. Nothing felt real anymore. It hurt so bad. I really missed him. I wanted to talk to him. Just talking. Like friends. Just like friends. He was so pissed, he ignored everything I texted. Then I ignored him so he texted me until I texted back and then he ignored me and so on. It was like a endless and senseless game. Everything about him felt so uncomfortable. Even when we were chilling around with Ken. But something was happening. I knew he was still caring. I just knew it. In this time I often felt really bad and Ken noticed it so he asked me what was and we talked a lot but without Johnny. That was nothing special because me and Ken were closer than me and Johnny because we knew each other for a longer time. But this time Johnny literally observed us. It was strange but so I saw that he cared... okay in this moment I'm writing this I think he was just worrying about I could tell Ken everything. Yeah, but let's put that aside.

Anyway... my period was off and I had to vomiting. I thought I was pregnant. I couldn't talk with Johnny about it so I talked to Ken without saying the baby was Johnnys. I was really upset and I looked really exhausted. So, Johnny noticed it and he texted me several times but I never texted back because I was so scared of telling him the truth. I just couldn't. He was my friend and in a way my partner... kind of. I just lost him and I didn't want to lose him more if this makes sense. I don't know I just thought everything would be alright when a bit time passed but if I told him I might be pregnant... he would disappear definitely. But then he texted so much and stressed me out that it just slipped out of my mouth. Just like this. I regret it immediately. I wasn't even sure. He totally freaked out. From this moment on everything happened very fast. We argued, we cried, we worried, we said a lot, we said nothing, there happened just so much in a very short time I can't even describe it. It's so hard. In the end the baby was gone but we were still together. I don't know if I should be happy or not. We just got back because of a death? He said "I know it's very stupid to tell you all this right now but I really like you and you know that. Don't play with me, you exactly know that I care about you and you EXACTLY know that I really like being with you. You know that. I'm not just telling you this because of your kind of situation. I'm telling you this because it seems like you forgot everything I feel for you." It sounds great. But I still wasn't sure about that. I wasn't sure if all this really was the truth. Maybe it was. But maybe the definition of "like" and "care" was for each other different. Very different.

When we see each other in school he doesn't look me in my eyes. He doesn't even look AT ME. It's so hard. I'm always looking at him and looking FOR HIM. I'm walking around and hoping to see him so we can see us, talk a little bit and look us in the eyes. EYE CONTACT. To be honest... I hoped we would fall in love while having eye contact.

It passed a few weeks and months since these things happened. A lot happened in this time. A fucking lot. We argued a lot, we loved a lot, we talked a lot, we laughed a lot, we just did a lot. I mean it happened a lot but our kinda relationship is kinda the same. I mean we like us more and we trust us more but nothing really changed. But yeah, I like him more. So much more. I can't stop thinking about him. Always when he shows up in my head I can't stop smiling and when we have class together I just have to look at him. I can't stop looking at him. I just can't. I wish I could but I fucking can not. He's just so adorable.

In the past few weeks and months he asked me a lot if I want more than just a "friends with benefits" and I never answered. I always said "I don't know, it's really complicated. I'm sorry". But I kinda know the answer. I want to. I think I want to but I kinda know I shouldn't because I'm not a good person. I'm so fucking damaged. I mean I would just fuck him up and then he would be damaged too.

A few weeks later: A lot happened. Like always...? But the most important thing is, that we started loving each other. There were just so much feelings between us. It is insane. But to end this story: He broke up with me. He said it doesn't make sense anymore. We talked for hours and I always said the same few things: "I do not understand why?" "why you leaving me?" and "please stay". I said that a lot. But he sticked to his words and it ended. He said it's not ending, WE just need to restart. That means just talking and going out sometimes. I don't know, it sounds kinda good but something in my head is telling me that he want to end the things themselves slowly. Very slowly. And I fucking know it's gonna hurt so damn much.

I already miss him.

Submitted April 07, 2019 at 11:49PM

There is this boy. Johnny. He's a friend of mine. Or was. I don’t even know what we actually are anymore. But let’s start by the beginning:We met because of my best friend Ken. My best friend Ken changed high school so he was in my high school and Johnny was in his class because he changed high school too. So, I started hanging more with Ken again. I don’t know, we were chilling even if we weren’t going on the same school but now we made lunch together and talked in breaks and stuff like that. There was just more of me and Ken. Johnny was with us too because he and Ken liked each other from the first day on. They became very soon very close friends and they were so funny together and I don't know... they just matched perfectly. They are just at the same stupidity level. Just two stupid kids. I have to say I wasn't jealous at all. I swear I liked it actually. Because I didn’t want my best friend to be alone in class and just sitting there. Anyway, they never ever excluded me or something. We were chilling all together and I really liked it with them. Because they were so damn funny together and every time I was chilling with them I forgot every stressful thing in my life. They just made my day every day. There were just we three. Almost the whole high school was hating us and talking shit about us. Like I was a fucking whore, Johnny was a fuckboy and Ken just a jerk. They were always waiting for us to do something bad and they turned everything in the worst way impossible just to fuck us up. But we never ever cared about all this stuff. We were just there and laughing about all these dumbasses.Anyway... the boy. Johnny. You know, this story is all about him so let’s get into him; I never felt something like "I like him in this way", “He’s kinda sweet”, “He’s actually hot” or something like this. NEVER EVER. I just liked him as a friend. But to be honest... sometimes it was weird to talk to him about private thing because we didn’t know us very well. Sometimes I thought “What would he be thinking of me when I tell him this?”. So, I always felt something but I couldn't name the feeling. At this moment I didn't think there were real feelings in there but on the other hand I known. I DON'T KNOE HOW TO DESCRIBE THIS FEELING AT THIS TIME. But the problem is neither can I today. Anyway, nothing happened. NEVER. A year passed away and nothing happened between us in this way. In this whole year I never felt something when he touched me or looked into my eyes... Alright, to be honest... sometimes I felt something but that was almost nothing. Just something that was so little that I never paid attention. I thought there would never ever be anything. So, I dropped it really quickly. That was really unusual for me because I'm really bad at letting things go...Another days, weeks and months passed away and everything was great. We were always there for each other. Always. But then something happened. A few weeks ago, me and Johnny started talking about things we weren't telling or talking about with Ken. It was kinda weird. I honestly felt pretty bad when we did this but I really liked it because we had something that just was "our little something". We talked about going to concerts, festivals and holidays but just the two of us. Really soon the day came we started talking about relationships and sex. We talked about what we always wanted and what we liked. We figured out that we wanted the exact same things. There was something between us but we acted like we didn't care or mentioned it. But we knew for ourself that there was something between us and we wanted each other but never ever said something. We just smiled and kept talking about shit. It was quite strange but this strange feeling was really quick gone. But then we started imagining and talking about how great it would be if WE would start this kind of relationship but not a girlfriend and boyfriend thing. Something like "friends with benefits". But I exactly know that we both act like we were just making fun of these things in case one would dump the other one. Quite clever. But after a few conversations like that it seemed like we both were waiting for someone of us to ask the other one to start this thing finally.So, I asked: "When are you finally going to ask me if we could start this?" Johnny: "I'm waiting for you to do it" Me: "Do you want to start this kind of relationship with me?" Johnny: "OF COURSE, WHAT A QUESTION YOU STUPID LITTLE THING"So, we talked a lot about this. And i mean A LOT. We never did something, we just talked about what we wanted. It seemed like we would never going to make it. We waited a long time and talked about EVERYTHING because we really wanted this to work out perfectly. I mean it would've been horrible if it wouldn't work out and then we would hate each other and our whole friendship would fall apart. But not just between me and Johnny. Also between me and Ken. And Ken and Johnny. Everything would be gone and we would be alone.I don't know. Something inside me told me it was wrong but I felt more than "oh, I just want sex with this kind of cute boy". I'm going to tell you A LITTLE BIT more about him and myself: I'm a person which loves to laugh and laughs a lot but my REAL laugh comes hardly out. Almost never to be honest. But his jokes and comments brought me so often to laugh. My real laugh. And when someone brings me to bring my real laugh out... boy, I'm literally 80% in love with you. He's the hottest boy and EVERY girl likes him but it's more than this that makes him so attractive. I can't describe what it is. It could be his appearance. His sense of humor? Yeah, it's probably that. Boy, I don't know. Anyway, I was always afraid of losing him and Ken. Because they always said that they two would stick together. Because... they were booooys. They always stick together.In the time we talked about our future "friend with benefits"-relationship we were very often mad. Ugh, so many times. Sometimes he was mad because I didn't touch him or something like that. Sounds pretty strange, doesn't it? But boy, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of the moment that people would figure that out and Ken would start hating us because we didn't tell him what we were actually doing. I don't know, it was more complicated than we thought it would be. But we didn't through it away. We said everything would be okay and we would figure out what to do. But the good thing was that we were able to talk about everything because we were good friends. So, these pretty bad stages of talking about all this stuff were soon gone.Then FINALLY the day came: We were out and hanging around together and we were suddenly embarrassed by each other. It was so strange because we never felt something like this with each other. We said, "should we kiss now?" and things like this OH MY GOD this was so weird. I could literally threw my whole dinner on his face. We were freezing, it was so hard to talk and think.BUT THEN he put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. LIKE IT WAS NOTHING OH MY GOD. I swear to everything I have never felt so much while kissing. I felt like I was a little girl getting a new toy. I was so delighted. It was so good and I really felt comfortable but kind of still embarrassed but in a cute way.Then we suddenly stopped because some people were there. It was such an embarrassing moment but we laughed and it was a really cute moment. Then we walked for about an hour or two just around and talked as always. He showed me his village. There was nothing more than this one kiss.I never felt this close to a boy. I mean HEEEEEEYYYY, we were kissing and talking about everything. I know this sounds stupid but for me it was something special. It wasn't a strange moment anymore just because we kissed. You could actually say we were relieved because we finally did it.Then he told me what he was feeling. How it was how much he liked me and how cool I am. It was really stupid but also really sweet. I never felt so happy. I know things like that are always told but this time I really felt it and I meant it. I finally really knew what the other person was thinking and feeling and everything felt so clean and real. I went home and I couldn't stop smiling. I was never sure about someone really liking me like he did.A few days later I visited him at home. We knew we wouldn't just been talking. We would have sex. It was like an arrangement. Actually, it was an arrangement. I was looking forward to see him again and kiss him and yeah... I couldn't wait anymore. The moment: I was there we took our clothes off and just laid in bed. We didn't touch each other and we didn't talk. It was quite strange and cringe. I don't know but I still was sure it would be the right thing but I was so damn scared that it would be bad and he would hate me after that. I just wanted to be perfect for him. I wanted him to like me more than just a friend. Yes, I said I didn't want a real relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend but something between friends and relationship. I really don't know why I wanted him to like me more than a friend. Anyway, we just said "We should probably start, because I have to be home at 12 o'clock." So he leaned over me and kissed me. This kiss was so perfect. It happened so much inside me and at the same time I forgot everything around me. Around us. And then the time came. We had sex. We had great sex. Everytime we touched or kissed each other it was like a firework. The whole sex was a firework. It was so intense. Just WOW. After the first round we were so exhausted that we couldn't talk anymore. We just smiled and I was just on my way to sleep. Then he saw that I literally destroyed his back. We started laughing and making fun of each other. There was this part of being friends. I loved it that way. Then we were just hanging on our phones... I think that was kinda stupid because we could have talked to each other and I really wanted to but I think he didn't want to. That's the first moment I thought that he didn't want to speak to me and that he just wanted sex and nothing more. That hurt so bad. I was really mad but of course he didn't noticed anything BECAUSE he was on his damn phone. Boy, if I'm laying next to you in a damn bed what's more interesting than me? And I was fucking naked. I felt ugly, gross, disgusting. Just everything bad in the world.Then the second round came. It was so much better than the first one. I know we didn't have that much time but I expected a little cuddle time. I don't know... just like 5 minutes or something. Just a little. But what happened? He put his clothes on so I did too and he went downstairs, so did I. We were in front of his front door and yeah. Nothing really happened. I put my shoes on and we said bye and that's it. I was on my way home.On one hand I was happy like never before but on the other I thought that was the end. I thought either we would never talk to each other like usual again or we would just have sex and that's it. Nothing more than physical contact and that destroyed me. I already missed him. I missed talking to him, I missed hanging around with him, I missed making fun of other bitches with him I just missed everything in this moment with him. Rather we end all this than destroying our friendship. I know it's really stupid to overthink everything but at this moment it was really hard to not do that. I was sitting around in this damn train, the battery on my phone was about to run out and no one was there. So, I just had my thoughts. I had to last more than an hour in this train. So, I started to think, think and think. TO OVERTHINK. I thought the sex was lame, that I was lame, just that everything with me actually is lame. There was nothing positive I could think about. I didn't find anything positive. Literally nothing. I was worrying. So damn hard that my head started aching.As soon as I got home I just wanted to sleep but he texted me. I looked at all his texts and I thought I had to cry. He said how great it was and how much he loves it to just chill around with me and also have sex. I was so relieved that I just said "me too" and fell asleep. I fell very happily asleep. With a smile on my face. A real one.The next day was a disaster. We promised to keep our thing a secret and don't tell anything to anybody. But I was so confused that I had to talk to somebody about what was going on. I met a girl and she seemed to be really nice and we talked about our boys and everything but of course without naming anything. Everything was anonymous. But then she received a message. She started telling me about this boy and I thought a second to know him. Then she showed me the texts and I saw the name. His name. Johnnys name. She told me how annoying he was and what a damn jerk he was. I was angry, I was speechless. I didn't know what to do, what to think or what to say. She got it. She knew it was him. We stopped talking. We were both speechless. Then she told me that she send him some messages with pictures of me. I exploded. I knew he would get it and then he would explode. I fucking knew it. It didn't last long so he texted me. He told me how stupid I was and then I tried to explain everything how it came to this point. He didn't believed me, he was so damn angry and then he said I should leave him alone and just fuck off.So, I did.I left him alone but I felt so empty. Not clean anymore. Nothing felt real anymore. It hurt so bad. I really missed him. I wanted to talk to him. Just talking. Like friends. Just like friends. He was so pissed, he ignored everything I texted. Then I ignored him so he texted me until I texted back and then he ignored me and so on. It was like a endless and senseless game. Everything about him felt so uncomfortable. Even when we were chilling around with Ken. But something was happening. I knew he was still caring. I just knew it. In this time I often felt really bad and Ken noticed it so he asked me what was and we talked a lot but without Johnny. That was nothing special because me and Ken were closer than me and Johnny because we knew each other for a longer time. But this time Johnny literally observed us. It was strange but so I saw that he cared... okay in this moment I'm writing this I think he was just worrying about I could tell Ken everything. Yeah, but let's put that aside.Anyway... my period was off and I had to vomiting. I thought I was pregnant. I couldn't talk with Johnny about it so I talked to Ken without saying the baby was Johnnys. I was really upset and I looked really exhausted. So, Johnny noticed it and he texted me several times but I never texted back because I was so scared of telling him the truth. I just couldn't. He was my friend and in a way my partner... kind of. I just lost him and I didn't want to lose him more if this makes sense. I don't know I just thought everything would be alright when a bit time passed but if I told him I might be pregnant... he would disappear definitely. But then he texted so much and stressed me out that it just slipped out of my mouth. Just like this. I regret it immediately. I wasn't even sure. He totally freaked out. From this moment on everything happened very fast. We argued, we cried, we worried, we said a lot, we said nothing, there happened just so much in a very short time I can't even describe it. It's so hard. In the end the baby was gone but we were still together. I don't know if I should be happy or not. We just got back because of a death? He said "I know it's very stupid to tell you all this right now but I really like you and you know that. Don't play with me, you exactly know that I care about you and you EXACTLY know that I really like being with you. You know that. I'm not just telling you this because of your kind of situation. I'm telling you this because it seems like you forgot everything I feel for you." It sounds great. But I still wasn't sure about that. I wasn't sure if all this really was the truth. Maybe it was. But maybe the definition of "like" and "care" was for each other different. Very different.When we see each other in school he doesn't look me in my eyes. He doesn't even look AT ME. It's so hard. I'm always looking at him and looking FOR HIM. I'm walking around and hoping to see him so we can see us, talk a little bit and look us in the eyes. EYE CONTACT. To be honest... I hoped we would fall in love while having eye contact.It passed a few weeks and months since these things happened. A lot happened in this time. A fucking lot. We argued a lot, we loved a lot, we talked a lot, we laughed a lot, we just did a lot. I mean it happened a lot but our kinda relationship is kinda the same. I mean we like us more and we trust us more but nothing really changed. But yeah, I like him more. So much more. I can't stop thinking about him. Always when he shows up in my head I can't stop smiling and when we have class together I just have to look at him. I can't stop looking at him. I just can't. I wish I could but I fucking can not. He's just so adorable.In the past few weeks and months he asked me a lot if I want more than just a "friends with benefits" and I never answered. I always said "I don't know, it's really complicated. I'm sorry". But I kinda know the answer. I want to. I think I want to but I kinda know I shouldn't because I'm not a good person. I'm so fucking damaged. I mean I would just fuck him up and then he would be damaged too.A few weeks later: A lot happened. Like always...? But the most important thing is, that we started loving each other. There were just so much feelings between us. It is insane. But to end this story: He broke up with me. He said it doesn't make sense anymore. We talked for hours and I always said the same few things: "I do not understand why?" "why you leaving me?" and "please stay". I said that a lot. But he sticked to his words and it ended. He said it's not ending, WE just need to restart. That means just talking and going out sometimes. I don't know, it sounds kinda good but something in my head is telling me that he want to end the things themselves slowly. Very slowly. And I fucking know it's gonna hurt so damn much.I already miss him.