I (20M) don't understand how to react to the actions versus words of my close friend (19F)

For context, I'm a college student nearing the end of my Sophomore year. I've known this friend (who we will be referring to as Claire, fake name of course) since the very beginning for Freshman year. I am very very introverted, Claire on the other hand is an ambivert (regains energy when alone but is generally extremely outgoing/social when in social gatherings).

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bit of a lengthy story (but will definitely include a TL;DR)

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I met Claire in our orientation, but we didn't really start talking until the school year started. We lived in dorms less than 5 minutes away with each other and also had a shared dining hall between us. Naturally, it was very easy to grab dinner with her multiple days in the week. During freshman year, we became very close, and confided in each other our deepest struggles and the most painful moments in our past. Her parents, like mine, had very conservative/archaic parenting styles and we experienced many similarities in our upbringing, another factor bringing us closer together.

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But then some troubles began. I remember distinctly for roughly three weeks she should ignore all my texts and etc. I was confused, and only when I broke down emotionally (situation at home and etc) and tried to reach out to her for support did she decide to see me. Things were better after then, but I found out why she was avoiding me. Claire has a boyfriend named Tim (fake name of course), who she met online (has seen once or twice in person) and lives in a faraway country. Tim, however, did not approve of her conversing with other guys in any platonic manner. The way she described it, he seemed to be jealous someone might take her away. Claire would spend a lot of hours in a week skype calling Tim, and under his advice she chose to avoid me.

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Should've been a red flag there but whatever, she was seeing me after that three week period and that's all that mattered. Well, I thought so at least. Fast Forward to the summer, Claire went to see Tim (they were broken up at this point, but she wanted to see him as friends). The entire time Claire was there? Not a single response until late in the summer where she told me it was unfair for me to be her friend because she kept the details of me hanging out with her (completely platonic) away from Tim. I didn't understand, I was a little broken up and tried to argue back but she ended it right there. It was a little crushing, to be honest, but then a couple of weeks later she told me she only said that to me to please Tim and it was necessary because she was living in his house (didn't want to get kicked out I suppose).

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I forgave her immediately and we became friends again, constantly talking over discord or text over the summer. For the longest time, I didn't really care about the whole Tim thing. I'm still not sure I care anymore, we've talked it out a bunch, but now I'm not sure how to contextualize it all with what is happening right now.

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Summer ends, and sophomore semester starts. Our schedules are far busier, and she moved to a dorm 30 minutes away by walk and I opted for a single room in my dorm. The communication between us... has suffered greatly. It's been a long process all the way till now (near the end of the semester) and I'm only now trying to figure it all out. For a little bit of context: Me and Claire are "best friends" now. We've talked a lot about our lives, our personal stories and feelings and etc. She deliberately calls me her best friend and so do I when referring to her.

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But now, I am not sure where we stand. Going back to the whole communication thing... Claire has never been on point with communicating over text or messenger or whatever. I understand that, I study engineering, it is difficult for me to always reply to people (though I make it my best effort). Sometimes, I would ask her 2 or 3 questions at once and she'd reply with only a few words to just one question. This is a small thing, I simply ask again or I ask in person. However, these small things began to grow. It began to happen more frequently, she'd either give me a simple response or she would not even respond at all. I grew worried that I was being overbearing (I am, admittedly, very insecure) so I would ask her in person if she would prefer me to text less. She, word for word, says "I really don't mind when you text a lot, I understand I can be hard to reach sometimes". So I'm like, ok, seems fine right?

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So time passes on in the semester. And I just get more frustrated with this whole ordeal. It becomes more and more difficult to reach her. Recently, we're at the point where she has stopped being direct with me. If I ask for weekend plans for a specific date, she'll either say yes or she will say she's busy that day or time without suggesting any alternative or offering any conclusion. In the latter case, I'd have to ask again about other dates, which is frustrating because I feel like I have to chase her down just for a simple answer. Had she bothered to say "no, this entire weekend is busy" the first time around, it would save me so much trouble. If I don't message her at all, she will almost never message me. She makes me feel like an outsider chasing after a stranger.

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Now, I'm not an idiot. What I am doing would be considered desperate with anyone else. I don't dare try to keep pushing after receiving a no from anyone else who I am not as close with. In any other situation, I would've stopped. But Claire sends mixed signals. When we're together in person, we are like good friends, constantly excited and talking all the way. She would still refer to me as her best friend, and she does not shy away from saying it in front of others. From this behavior, I would think we are still on great terms. Another thing is, I would ask every once in awhile if she's bothered by my texting habits. I ask her to be honest, since we have both vocally made clear that we prefer honesty. Yet, she tells me the same thing, it's okay, I can keep messaging her multiple times before she messages me back. The thing is, she knows I am frustrated. She's promised me multiple times she will be better at communicating, but she never is. I feel so frustrated, this person is supposedly my best friend yet she makes me second guess myself every time I try to message her. For many months, I attributed this to bad communication habits. Habits are not easy to break, especially when swamped with course work.

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But now, in present time, things are a little different. We hang out somewhat less frequently, communication is even worse, despite my best efforts. She responds less and less and I'm afraid we'll stop being friends. The times we do hang out are great times, it still feels the same as before. But, when I'm not around her, I am reminded at how things are still overall worse. At how all the promises she made to do this or that for me are broken. Remember how I mentioned if I don't text her, she doesn't message me ever? She didn't say a thing to me on my birthday. Then the next day she was messaging me all the damn time, as if she was trying to make up for it. I remember very distinctly, there was this one message that day where I told her I was lacking sleep, and she went on an entire paragraph about how sleep is important... as if every college student doesn't already know that. It just felt so disingenuous. This friendship was very real to me, we told each other everything and gave each other our honest (sometimes brutally honest) opinion to each other all the time. When we had issues, we would sit down and talk it out with each other. But now I'm not sure what's up, everything feels more and more superficial. I did try telling her my exact feelings on this matter fairly recently. She admitted her communication is bad, and that she might not be able to fix it. It's a small step forward, to not lie to me with promises it'll get better. But that's really it. That's all she said. It's been nearly 4 days, haven't spoken since. I was sort of expecting her to ask to talk to me in person so we can hash this out... like usual, but perhaps she's busy or perhaps I'm mistaken.

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I've tried to figure this out. I consider myself very objective, I try to consider all the facts. Our proximity during freshman year was definitely a factor in us coming close. It was convenient to meet each other. But now, despite all the talk about being best friends or whatever, we're further away and she has chosen to communicate with me less and less. It perhaps feels like this relationship is ending out of inconvenience. We're busy, it's harder to see each other, and she simply doesn't communicate with me as much as I try to communicate with her. Maybe... we're just growing apart. If that is the conclusion, then I am a little crushed, but honestly as I write this, I feel angrier and angrier. For context, I met this group of friends in freshman year. We were also getting close, but that entire group lived in dorms 15 minute walk away. And slowly, but surely, I saw them ignore me more and more - their plans including me less and less. At one point they even lied to me about their need to study, only for me to find out on snapchat they went shopping. I'm not a stranger to being ghosted, though having a close friend forget me is a different story.

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Now, right now in this moment, I don't want to be tossed away. If this relationship with my "best" friend is going to end, I will end it myself, speaking to her in person. If it has to end, I prefer to end it on my terms.

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But, all that said, it is not easy to apply objectivity to matters as complicated as relationships. It would be pretty stupid of me to draw conclusions from that, as if I wasn't stupid and alone enough already. I have to admit I don't really understand what to do. I'm a bit of a mixed bag, I want to be angry but honestly, I'm lost and confused. I need her in my life way more than she needs me, she has other close friends and can make close friends anywhere she wants. She's that outgoing. Right now, I just need more perspectives. I don't want to do anything rash so I ask you all for your help.

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TL;DR

Best friend who admits to others I am her best friend is communicating with me less, at one point even forgetting my birthday. I ask her whats up, she says its find and she'll do better at communicating but then just keeps on doing it.

Submitted April 08, 2019 at 06:01AM

For context, I'm a college student nearing the end of my Sophomore year. I've known this friend (who we will be referring to as Claire, fake name of course) since the very beginning for Freshman year. I am very very introverted, Claire on the other hand is an ambivert (regains energy when alone but is generally extremely outgoing/social when in social gatherings).​bit of a lengthy story (but will definitely include a TL;DR)​I met Claire in our orientation, but we didn't really start talking until the school year started. We lived in dorms less than 5 minutes away with each other and also had a shared dining hall between us. Naturally, it was very easy to grab dinner with her multiple days in the week. During freshman year, we became very close, and confided in each other our deepest struggles and the most painful moments in our past. Her parents, like mine, had very conservative/archaic parenting styles and we experienced many similarities in our upbringing, another factor bringing us closer together.​But then some troubles began. I remember distinctly for roughly three weeks she should ignore all my texts and etc. I was confused, and only when I broke down emotionally (situation at home and etc) and tried to reach out to her for support did she decide to see me. Things were better after then, but I found out why she was avoiding me. Claire has a boyfriend named Tim (fake name of course), who she met online (has seen once or twice in person) and lives in a faraway country. Tim, however, did not approve of her conversing with other guys in any platonic manner. The way she described it, he seemed to be jealous someone might take her away. Claire would spend a lot of hours in a week skype calling Tim, and under his advice she chose to avoid me.​Should've been a red flag there but whatever, she was seeing me after that three week period and that's all that mattered. Well, I thought so at least. Fast Forward to the summer, Claire went to see Tim (they were broken up at this point, but she wanted to see him as friends). The entire time Claire was there? Not a single response until late in the summer where she told me it was unfair for me to be her friend because she kept the details of me hanging out with her (completely platonic) away from Tim. I didn't understand, I was a little broken up and tried to argue back but she ended it right there. It was a little crushing, to be honest, but then a couple of weeks later she told me she only said that to me to please Tim and it was necessary because she was living in his house (didn't want to get kicked out I suppose).​I forgave her immediately and we became friends again, constantly talking over discord or text over the summer. For the longest time, I didn't really care about the whole Tim thing. I'm still not sure I care anymore, we've talked it out a bunch, but now I'm not sure how to contextualize it all with what is happening right now.​Summer ends, and sophomore semester starts. Our schedules are far busier, and she moved to a dorm 30 minutes away by walk and I opted for a single room in my dorm. The communication between us... has suffered greatly. It's been a long process all the way till now (near the end of the semester) and I'm only now trying to figure it all out. For a little bit of context: Me and Claire are "best friends" now. We've talked a lot about our lives, our personal stories and feelings and etc. She deliberately calls me her best friend and so do I when referring to her.​But now, I am not sure where we stand. Going back to the whole communication thing... Claire has never been on point with communicating over text or messenger or whatever. I understand that, I study engineering, it is difficult for me to always reply to people (though I make it my best effort). Sometimes, I would ask her 2 or 3 questions at once and she'd reply with only a few words to just one question. This is a small thing, I simply ask again or I ask in person. However, these small things began to grow. It began to happen more frequently, she'd either give me a simple response or she would not even respond at all. I grew worried that I was being overbearing (I am, admittedly, very insecure) so I would ask her in person if she would prefer me to text less. She, word for word, says "I really don't mind when you text a lot, I understand I can be hard to reach sometimes". So I'm like, ok, seems fine right?​So time passes on in the semester. And I just get more frustrated with this whole ordeal. It becomes more and more difficult to reach her. Recently, we're at the point where she has stopped being direct with me. If I ask for weekend plans for a specific date, she'll either say yes or she will say she's busy that day or time without suggesting any alternative or offering any conclusion. In the latter case, I'd have to ask again about other dates, which is frustrating because I feel like I have to chase her down just for a simple answer. Had she bothered to say "no, this entire weekend is busy" the first time around, it would save me so much trouble. If I don't message her at all, she will almost never message me. She makes me feel like an outsider chasing after a stranger.​Now, I'm not an idiot. What I am doing would be considered desperate with anyone else. I don't dare try to keep pushing after receiving a no from anyone else who I am not as close with. In any other situation, I would've stopped. But Claire sends mixed signals. When we're together in person, we are like good friends, constantly excited and talking all the way. She would still refer to me as her best friend, and she does not shy away from saying it in front of others. From this behavior, I would think we are still on great terms. Another thing is, I would ask every once in awhile if she's bothered by my texting habits. I ask her to be honest, since we have both vocally made clear that we prefer honesty. Yet, she tells me the same thing, it's okay, I can keep messaging her multiple times before she messages me back. The thing is, she knows I am frustrated. She's promised me multiple times she will be better at communicating, but she never is. I feel so frustrated, this person is supposedly my best friend yet she makes me second guess myself every time I try to message her. For many months, I attributed this to bad communication habits. Habits are not easy to break, especially when swamped with course work.​But now, in present time, things are a little different. We hang out somewhat less frequently, communication is even worse, despite my best efforts. She responds less and less and I'm afraid we'll stop being friends. The times we do hang out are great times, it still feels the same as before. But, when I'm not around her, I am reminded at how things are still overall worse. At how all the promises she made to do this or that for me are broken. Remember how I mentioned if I don't text her, she doesn't message me ever? She didn't say a thing to me on my birthday. Then the next day she was messaging me all the damn time, as if she was trying to make up for it. I remember very distinctly, there was this one message that day where I told her I was lacking sleep, and she went on an entire paragraph about how sleep is important... as if every college student doesn't already know that. It just felt so disingenuous. This friendship was very real to me, we told each other everything and gave each other our honest (sometimes brutally honest) opinion to each other all the time. When we had issues, we would sit down and talk it out with each other. But now I'm not sure what's up, everything feels more and more superficial. I did try telling her my exact feelings on this matter fairly recently. She admitted her communication is bad, and that she might not be able to fix it. It's a small step forward, to not lie to me with promises it'll get better. But that's really it. That's all she said. It's been nearly 4 days, haven't spoken since. I was sort of expecting her to ask to talk to me in person so we can hash this out... like usual, but perhaps she's busy or perhaps I'm mistaken.​I've tried to figure this out. I consider myself very objective, I try to consider all the facts. Our proximity during freshman year was definitely a factor in us coming close. It was convenient to meet each other. But now, despite all the talk about being best friends or whatever, we're further away and she has chosen to communicate with me less and less. It perhaps feels like this relationship is ending out of inconvenience. We're busy, it's harder to see each other, and she simply doesn't communicate with me as much as I try to communicate with her. Maybe... we're just growing apart. If that is the conclusion, then I am a little crushed, but honestly as I write this, I feel angrier and angrier. For context, I met this group of friends in freshman year. We were also getting close, but that entire group lived in dorms 15 minute walk away. And slowly, but surely, I saw them ignore me more and more - their plans including me less and less. At one point they even lied to me about their need to study, only for me to find out on snapchat they went shopping. I'm not a stranger to being ghosted, though having a close friend forget me is a different story.​Now, right now in this moment, I don't want to be tossed away. If this relationship with my "best" friend is going to end, I will end it myself, speaking to her in person. If it has to end, I prefer to end it on my terms.​But, all that said, it is not easy to apply objectivity to matters as complicated as relationships. It would be pretty stupid of me to draw conclusions from that, as if I wasn't stupid and alone enough already. I have to admit I don't really understand what to do. I'm a bit of a mixed bag, I want to be angry but honestly, I'm lost and confused. I need her in my life way more than she needs me, she has other close friends and can make close friends anywhere she wants. She's that outgoing. Right now, I just need more perspectives. I don't want to do anything rash so I ask you all for your help.​TL;DRBest friend who admits to others I am her best friend is communicating with me less, at one point even forgetting my birthday. I ask her whats up, she says its find and she'll do better at communicating but then just keeps on doing it.