Now what? (36m/38f)

Feeling lost with how to handle things with a lover/friend who I have a complex history with. Also I’m probably still in love (apologies for length!)

Part 1

We’ve known each other for about 5 years. We met at a bar and casually dated for a few months in the beginning. Chemistry was strong from the start. I was really feeling it and actually found myself falling a little in love with her, but she was firm about not looking for anything beyond casual, so I sobered up and began making efforts to back away and cool things off.

Not long after, she left town to formally be with another guy whom I later found out she had a long term on and off thing from well before she lived in my city — hence her hesitation to get serious with me.

I was unhappy to hear it, but by the time I got that news from her I was already moving on, and her being out of the city made doing so easier.

As time went by, she’d occasionally pop up in my city for business and would reach out to get drinks. I was onto other things romantically and the fun side of our chemistry was still in tact, so it wasn’t hard to just let things roll as friends.

Over the years, we ended up becoming pretty tight - definitely closer emotionally than when we were first dating, Admittedly I still crushed on her a little bit, but she was pretty serious about her guy and I had adjusted to it being something best left in the past.

Then about a year ago, she returned to my city for work. Her BF was supposed to follow once he also found work, but after 2 months of him failing to do that, things fell apart for them and she got dumped.

I was conciliatory towards her circumstances but in the back of my mind... I wondered if our natural chemistry would lead to things flaring up again —- lo and behold, 3 wks later we we’re making out on my couch and eventually slept together.

—-

Part 2

I want to say I knew better at the time than to get involved with someone just out of a relationship, but I didn’t. I still had some latent feelings for this girl and felt like I couldn’t pass on an opportunity to see where things would go. “You can’t blame yourself for taking a chance on love’, my therapist would later tell me. In hindsight, I wish I had told her we should wait until she’s ready to really do this, but instead of waiting for a good pitch, I decided to swing and just do my best to ‘proceed with caution’.

After that first night, our hangs became regular ‘sleepovers’ at least once a week. She clearly expressed that she wasn’t ready for another relationship after just getting out of a serious 3-year thing, but admitted to always having wondered about us, and was enthusiastic about now having a chance to explore it.

I was enthusiastic too - dare I say elated! I figured if I just went with the flow and kept my head on it might work out this time. Things picked up pretty quickly to a natural rhythm which we both acknowledged at one point it felt ‘kinda couple-y’. I did fine adhering to the ‘just hanging out’ thing at first, but she was quickly moving to the center of my life. Before I knew it, my heart had begun to take the wheel again and after about 2 months of us ‘not being in a relationship’, I was crushed to find out she’d spent the night with another ex of hers.

This news was a hard POP to whatever fantasy bubble I unwittingly found myself enveloped in. That this girl I’d begun falling for years ago had somehow found her way back to me and was cautiously expressing the same emotions back. Now it was hard to ignore that she had once chosen someone else over me before — and now had done so again.

Of course she didn’t see it this way. Her defense was she indeed very much liked me, but had been up front about us being just ‘friends with benefits’ for now and she was still justly dealing with the emotional aftermath of her (now 3 month old) break up - despite her acknowledgement of indulging in our ‘thing’ maybe a bit more than she should have allowed herself.

Still, her attempts to justify it didn’t make it sting any less, or abate the embarrassment I felt for allowing myself be lulled into such a vulnerable position. She did express regret, but also felt no obligation to apologize for her behavior.

I wanted to reconcile and try to continue things, but after a month of putting in effort I found my trust in her had ruptured. We tried to talk though it and even admitted to both having some serious feelings for each other, but she remained unwilling to date me exclusively because to her, that would mean being back in a relationship - which was something she still felt she wasn’t ready for.

So with that sober understanding, if she still needed time, I was going to need some space to try and get things rebalanced. She however couldn’t understand why we still couldn’t just hang out as friends like we did before.

I tried explaining that as much as I would have liked to, I was too emotionally confused and just not ready to switch back that — It gets messy around this point with a few months of pushing and pulling - her wanting me to remain in her life while she continued to sort out her emotions, me unwilling and unable to remain in limbo while she did that and both of us just growing frustrated by the whole situation. Her saying at one point we should just be friends then also saying she wasn’t ‘ruling us out’.

I was really in love with her at one point and it was all so unbelievable to me that if I mattered so much to her and the chemistry and appeal was there for the both of us; why not just give being together an actual shot?!

I’m leaving out some details but I finally got my ‘space’. Our last conversation was about 3 months ago.

Everyone tells me to move on. That if it was going to work it would have worked. I reflect on it often wishing I’d understood the circumstances better from both points of view. I miss her tons as a friend and as a lover, and am still amazed things got so out of sync. I’m trying to date other people but still find myself thinking about her every day.

She didn’t want to cut off communication completely, so I told her we could reconnect in a few months around our birthdays to see how things are going with each other.

Her birthday is tomorrow ...so now what?

TL:DR Navigating the rough water between lovers and friends with someone I care deeply about... leave it in the past or give it another look?

Submitted April 07, 2019 at 06:55AM

Feeling lost with how to handle things with a lover/friend who I have a complex history with. Also I’m probably still in love (apologies for length!)Part 1We’ve known each other for about 5 years. We met at a bar and casually dated for a few months in the beginning. Chemistry was strong from the start. I was really feeling it and actually found myself falling a little in love with her, but she was firm about not looking for anything beyond casual, so I sobered up and began making efforts to back away and cool things off.Not long after, she left town to formally be with another guy whom I later found out she had a long term on and off thing from well before she lived in my city — hence her hesitation to get serious with me.I was unhappy to hear it, but by the time I got that news from her I was already moving on, and her being out of the city made doing so easier.As time went by, she’d occasionally pop up in my city for business and would reach out to get drinks. I was onto other things romantically and the fun side of our chemistry was still in tact, so it wasn’t hard to just let things roll as friends.Over the years, we ended up becoming pretty tight - definitely closer emotionally than when we were first dating, Admittedly I still crushed on her a little bit, but she was pretty serious about her guy and I had adjusted to it being something best left in the past.Then about a year ago, she returned to my city for work. Her BF was supposed to follow once he also found work, but after 2 months of him failing to do that, things fell apart for them and she got dumped.I was conciliatory towards her circumstances but in the back of my mind... I wondered if our natural chemistry would lead to things flaring up again —- lo and behold, 3 wks later we we’re making out on my couch and eventually slept together.—-Part 2I want to say I knew better at the time than to get involved with someone just out of a relationship, but I didn’t. I still had some latent feelings for this girl and felt like I couldn’t pass on an opportunity to see where things would go. “You can’t blame yourself for taking a chance on love’, my therapist would later tell me. In hindsight, I wish I had told her we should wait until she’s ready to really do this, but instead of waiting for a good pitch, I decided to swing and just do my best to ‘proceed with caution’.After that first night, our hangs became regular ‘sleepovers’ at least once a week. She clearly expressed that she wasn’t ready for another relationship after just getting out of a serious 3-year thing, but admitted to always having wondered about us, and was enthusiastic about now having a chance to explore it.I was enthusiastic too - dare I say elated! I figured if I just went with the flow and kept my head on it might work out this time. Things picked up pretty quickly to a natural rhythm which we both acknowledged at one point it felt ‘kinda couple-y’. I did fine adhering to the ‘just hanging out’ thing at first, but she was quickly moving to the center of my life. Before I knew it, my heart had begun to take the wheel again and after about 2 months of us ‘not being in a relationship’, I was crushed to find out she’d spent the night with another ex of hers.This news was a hard POP to whatever fantasy bubble I unwittingly found myself enveloped in. That this girl I’d begun falling for years ago had somehow found her way back to me and was cautiously expressing the same emotions back. Now it was hard to ignore that she had once chosen someone else over me before — and now had done so again.Of course she didn’t see it this way. Her defense was she indeed very much liked me, but had been up front about us being just ‘friends with benefits’ for now and she was still justly dealing with the emotional aftermath of her (now 3 month old) break up - despite her acknowledgement of indulging in our ‘thing’ maybe a bit more than she should have allowed herself.Still, her attempts to justify it didn’t make it sting any less, or abate the embarrassment I felt for allowing myself be lulled into such a vulnerable position. She did express regret, but also felt no obligation to apologize for her behavior.I wanted to reconcile and try to continue things, but after a month of putting in effort I found my trust in her had ruptured. We tried to talk though it and even admitted to both having some serious feelings for each other, but she remained unwilling to date me exclusively because to her, that would mean being back in a relationship - which was something she still felt she wasn’t ready for.So with that sober understanding, if she still needed time, I was going to need some space to try and get things rebalanced. She however couldn’t understand why we still couldn’t just hang out as friends like we did before.I tried explaining that as much as I would have liked to, I was too emotionally confused and just not ready to switch back that — It gets messy around this point with a few months of pushing and pulling - her wanting me to remain in her life while she continued to sort out her emotions, me unwilling and unable to remain in limbo while she did that and both of us just growing frustrated by the whole situation. Her saying at one point we should just be friends then also saying she wasn’t ‘ruling us out’.I was really in love with her at one point and it was all so unbelievable to me that if I mattered so much to her and the chemistry and appeal was there for the both of us; why not just give being together an actual shot?!I’m leaving out some details but I finally got my ‘space’. Our last conversation was about 3 months ago.Everyone tells me to move on. That if it was going to work it would have worked. I reflect on it often wishing I’d understood the circumstances better from both points of view. I miss her tons as a friend and as a lover, and am still amazed things got so out of sync. I’m trying to date other people but still find myself thinking about her every day.She didn’t want to cut off communication completely, so I told her we could reconnect in a few months around our birthdays to see how things are going with each other.Her birthday is tomorrow ...so now what?TL:DR Navigating the rough water between lovers and friends with someone I care deeply about... leave it in the past or give it another look?