My (29f) husband (29f) is a sloppy drunk

Hi there, r/relationships. LTL, FTP, sorry for formatting issues, etc. This got kind of long (oops), tldr at the end.

My D(dear) Husband and I don’t drink very often any more, probably have more than a couple drinks once or twice a month at most. This is partly because we live on the rural outskirts of our city, so we either need to find somewhere to stay in the city or one of us has to DD. We generally do a good job of splitting DD duties, and I truly don’t mind doing it - I can have just as much fun without drinking - but when it’s my turn to drive my husband just gets...well, sloppy. Tonight he dumped a drink down the front of my dress while trying to do something “funny,” last time he started crying in the bar we were at because “some day our dog will die.” A few times he’s peed in our closet thinking it’s the bathroom. He likes to chirp at passers-by and sometimes has to be wrangled. The truly frustrating part is that he becomes paranoid and self-pitying every time - it always starts with apologies, calling himself a piece of shit, progresses into why am I even with him, and then eventually gets to certainty that I will leave him in some bizarre scenario that literally makes no sense/is not real sentences that mean real things. I end up having to talk with him in circles reassuring him that he’s not a bad person and I do love him, but he’s just a handful in these moods and it gets old. (For the record, we’ve been together for 7 years, never taken a break or separated, so these thoughts don’t seem to be a reflection on our actual relationship / based in reality).

We’re both pretty easy going in general and I don’t make him leave immediately or have public fights when this kind of stuff happens while we’re out, but it just means that when we go out now when I’m not drinking I feel like I have to worry about how drunk he’ll get and what I’ll have to deal with on the ride home. For what it’s worth, on nights where he drives, I’ll have several drinks, but it mostly makes me chatty (and sometimes hungry), and often DH will have to nag me to end my conversation so we can leave when the time comes. I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten to a point where he’s had to “take care of me” or where I’ve done something destructive (ie peeing somewhere inappropriate) or offensive.

It’s not very often, so part of me feels like I should just deal and let him get sloppy a couple nights a month, but it also ends up killing my night, I feel like crap having to try and convince him that I do love him and I’m not leaving him, and I usually end up going to sleep mad after putting him to bed because I’m frustrated with him, which I hate.

So kind people of reddit, what should I do, and is there even any to do? I don’t want to ask my husband not to drink at all because he’s perfectly capable of just having a few and staying in control, and I want him to be able to let loose and have fun sometimes, but his behavior on these occasions is pretty annoying despite his apologies in the morning, and it concerns me that he seems to feel so insecure about us that his mind always goes to a place of paranoia about us. How do I support him having fun, help him feel more secure about us, and avoid getting annoyed by talking in circles?

TLDR: DH gets emotional, insecure about our relationship, and all around a little sloppy when he lets loose on nights I’m DD. Should I just deal or is there anything I can/should do?

Submitted April 07, 2019 at 07:12AM

Hi there, r/relationships. LTL, FTP, sorry for formatting issues, etc. This got kind of long (oops), tldr at the end.My D(dear) Husband and I don’t drink very often any more, probably have more than a couple drinks once or twice a month at most. This is partly because we live on the rural outskirts of our city, so we either need to find somewhere to stay in the city or one of us has to DD. We generally do a good job of splitting DD duties, and I truly don’t mind doing it - I can have just as much fun without drinking - but when it’s my turn to drive my husband just gets...well, sloppy. Tonight he dumped a drink down the front of my dress while trying to do something “funny,” last time he started crying in the bar we were at because “some day our dog will die.” A few times he’s peed in our closet thinking it’s the bathroom. He likes to chirp at passers-by and sometimes has to be wrangled. The truly frustrating part is that he becomes paranoid and self-pitying every time - it always starts with apologies, calling himself a piece of shit, progresses into why am I even with him, and then eventually gets to certainty that I will leave him in some bizarre scenario that literally makes no sense/is not real sentences that mean real things. I end up having to talk with him in circles reassuring him that he’s not a bad person and I do love him, but he’s just a handful in these moods and it gets old. (For the record, we’ve been together for 7 years, never taken a break or separated, so these thoughts don’t seem to be a reflection on our actual relationship / based in reality).We’re both pretty easy going in general and I don’t make him leave immediately or have public fights when this kind of stuff happens while we’re out, but it just means that when we go out now when I’m not drinking I feel like I have to worry about how drunk he’ll get and what I’ll have to deal with on the ride home. For what it’s worth, on nights where he drives, I’ll have several drinks, but it mostly makes me chatty (and sometimes hungry), and often DH will have to nag me to end my conversation so we can leave when the time comes. I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten to a point where he’s had to “take care of me” or where I’ve done something destructive (ie peeing somewhere inappropriate) or offensive.It’s not very often, so part of me feels like I should just deal and let him get sloppy a couple nights a month, but it also ends up killing my night, I feel like crap having to try and convince him that I do love him and I’m not leaving him, and I usually end up going to sleep mad after putting him to bed because I’m frustrated with him, which I hate.So kind people of reddit, what should I do, and is there even any to do? I don’t want to ask my husband not to drink at all because he’s perfectly capable of just having a few and staying in control, and I want him to be able to let loose and have fun sometimes, but his behavior on these occasions is pretty annoying despite his apologies in the morning, and it concerns me that he seems to feel so insecure about us that his mind always goes to a place of paranoia about us. How do I support him having fun, help him feel more secure about us, and avoid getting annoyed by talking in circles?TLDR: DH gets emotional, insecure about our relationship, and all around a little sloppy when he lets loose on nights I’m DD. Should I just deal or is there anything I can/should do?