Am I (29M) wrong for asking my wife (28F) to stop acting like a parent to her nephew (8M)?

Sorry in advance for long post, but I’m really looking for someone to either call me out here or to tell me I’m not crazy.

Background:

My wife’s brother is a homeless drug addict who had this little boy 8 years ago with a drug addicted girlfriend. When my wife (she wasn’t my wife or gf then) and her mother first visited to see this little boy as a baby (she was around 3 months old) they noticed horrible living conditions and that the parents were both strung out. As a result, they took the little baby boy, and my wife’s mother was granted guardianship. Since then my wife’s mother raised this little boy and my wife (while in college) often was tasked with baby-sitting, etc. Of course this created a bond. Over time, she started to begin playing the role of a co-parent even though the little boy referred to her as a sister and my wife’s mother as his mommy.

I became friends with my wife in college before we ever dated. While friends, I continuously heard her frustrations about guys she dating feeling weird about her “raising” a little kid and not liking that she would split her attention between them and the baby.

Eventually I began dating my now wife after we left college, and I (because of my upbringing) assumed her relationship with her kid “brother” would be similar to a brother dynamic. We were in a new town, in our early twenties, starting our own lives, having new experiences with new people. I knew she would see her family, just not as much as she actually did. I figured she would be moving onto her own life now. Her kid “brother”, now 5, was always down in the city with us. Being young, in a smitten dating relationship, I wanted to be able to focus on enjoying each other. However, every time this little boy was visiting for a day or so (my wife’s mother would drop him off so she could go out about twice per month) my wife (girlfriend at the time) would only focus on the little boy 100%. This did cause occasional arguments - I didn’t think I was signing up to occasionally parent a kid at 26.

Eventually, we got married, and my wife, in her vows, promised me that I would now be her first priority and we would start our own life together. I did the same. Everything has been great between us.

Current situation:

I’ve now been married to my wife for over 3 years and we frequently talk of having kids of our own soon. However, she has never stopped playing the role of “co-parent” to this little boy (8 years old now). She has to attend every single one of his school events, constantly goes out of her way to do things for him, and generally spreads herself thin trying to constantly dote over this kid. Additionally, it’s not like her mother, my MIL, isn’t a good “mom” to this kid. My MIL’s life revolves around this little boy (he sleeps in bed with her every night as well.... another concern)

My issue with all of this is that my wife has a tendency to get overwhelmed and stressed when things pile up on her plate and she takes it out on me when this happens. More often than not, the thing that puts her over the top is constantly worrying about this little boy (in addition to her job, etc).

This little boy is great, and I try my best to be a good male role model, but I’m becoming resentful at this point. I’m seriously feeling like my wife’s constant prioritization of this child (that is already in good hands) is fracturing what has been a pretty flawless marriage.

Now, we have this little boy stay with us at least one night every other week and my wife constantly books up our weekends going to the kid’s events. I’ve pushed back and we’ve gotten into arguments, but I guess I now feel beat down since every time I discuss this it becomes nuclear.

Ultimately, I’m seriously concerned about how she will handle stress when we had a baby of our own around the same time that this little boy becomes a teenager. Especially if she still feels like the boy is her responsibility. Im terrified that our marriage and promising new family together will become a casualty.

With all of this said, I brought all of these concerns up to her in a serious way recently after we talked about having our own kids. I told her that she needs to start stepping away from playing a “parent” role to this little boy and transition to a more sustainable “sister” role. Otherwise, things are going to really fall apart when my wife becomes a mother to her own child and stops focusing as much on this boy (which would be expected and natural).

If she doesn’t start that transition, I’m worried that this boy will really act out as a young teen who no longer feels like a priority. (It also doesn’t help that this boy has ZERO sense of independence since both my MIL and my wife infantilize him like crazy).

My wife didn’t react well to this conversation (she’s ALWAYS been very sensitive around the topic of this little boy) and she basically said she isn’t going to start acting like a parent and called me selfish and disgusting for suggesting that she move her focus away from her old life (with her family or origin) and focus instead on her new family (me and our future kids).

This honestly has me feeling like I’m the only one in our marriage putting our marriage and our life together first. It feels like she is building and participating in two separate lives, in two different houses, simultaneously. This leaves me felling resentful, like I’m clapping with one hand while the other is clapping with someone else.

I’m starting to feel like this may be a deal-breaker if she won’t go all-in with me on our marriage. I’ve always been told to put marriage first, and I seriously don’t feel that is happening here.

Thoughts? Am I in the wrong for pushing this?

Submitted April 07, 2019 at 02:02AM

Sorry in advance for long post, but I’m really looking for someone to either call me out here or to tell me I’m not crazy.Background:My wife’s brother is a homeless drug addict who had this little boy 8 years ago with a drug addicted girlfriend. When my wife (she wasn’t my wife or gf then) and her mother first visited to see this little boy as a baby (she was around 3 months old) they noticed horrible living conditions and that the parents were both strung out. As a result, they took the little baby boy, and my wife’s mother was granted guardianship. Since then my wife’s mother raised this little boy and my wife (while in college) often was tasked with baby-sitting, etc. Of course this created a bond. Over time, she started to begin playing the role of a co-parent even though the little boy referred to her as a sister and my wife’s mother as his mommy.I became friends with my wife in college before we ever dated. While friends, I continuously heard her frustrations about guys she dating feeling weird about her “raising” a little kid and not liking that she would split her attention between them and the baby.Eventually I began dating my now wife after we left college, and I (because of my upbringing) assumed her relationship with her kid “brother” would be similar to a brother dynamic. We were in a new town, in our early twenties, starting our own lives, having new experiences with new people. I knew she would see her family, just not as much as she actually did. I figured she would be moving onto her own life now. Her kid “brother”, now 5, was always down in the city with us. Being young, in a smitten dating relationship, I wanted to be able to focus on enjoying each other. However, every time this little boy was visiting for a day or so (my wife’s mother would drop him off so she could go out about twice per month) my wife (girlfriend at the time) would only focus on the little boy 100%. This did cause occasional arguments - I didn’t think I was signing up to occasionally parent a kid at 26.Eventually, we got married, and my wife, in her vows, promised me that I would now be her first priority and we would start our own life together. I did the same. Everything has been great between us.Current situation:I’ve now been married to my wife for over 3 years and we frequently talk of having kids of our own soon. However, she has never stopped playing the role of “co-parent” to this little boy (8 years old now). She has to attend every single one of his school events, constantly goes out of her way to do things for him, and generally spreads herself thin trying to constantly dote over this kid. Additionally, it’s not like her mother, my MIL, isn’t a good “mom” to this kid. My MIL’s life revolves around this little boy (he sleeps in bed with her every night as well.... another concern)My issue with all of this is that my wife has a tendency to get overwhelmed and stressed when things pile up on her plate and she takes it out on me when this happens. More often than not, the thing that puts her over the top is constantly worrying about this little boy (in addition to her job, etc).This little boy is great, and I try my best to be a good male role model, but I’m becoming resentful at this point. I’m seriously feeling like my wife’s constant prioritization of this child (that is already in good hands) is fracturing what has been a pretty flawless marriage.Now, we have this little boy stay with us at least one night every other week and my wife constantly books up our weekends going to the kid’s events. I’ve pushed back and we’ve gotten into arguments, but I guess I now feel beat down since every time I discuss this it becomes nuclear.Ultimately, I’m seriously concerned about how she will handle stress when we had a baby of our own around the same time that this little boy becomes a teenager. Especially if she still feels like the boy is her responsibility. Im terrified that our marriage and promising new family together will become a casualty.With all of this said, I brought all of these concerns up to her in a serious way recently after we talked about having our own kids. I told her that she needs to start stepping away from playing a “parent” role to this little boy and transition to a more sustainable “sister” role. Otherwise, things are going to really fall apart when my wife becomes a mother to her own child and stops focusing as much on this boy (which would be expected and natural).If she doesn’t start that transition, I’m worried that this boy will really act out as a young teen who no longer feels like a priority. (It also doesn’t help that this boy has ZERO sense of independence since both my MIL and my wife infantilize him like crazy).My wife didn’t react well to this conversation (she’s ALWAYS been very sensitive around the topic of this little boy) and she basically said she isn’t going to start acting like a parent and called me selfish and disgusting for suggesting that she move her focus away from her old life (with her family or origin) and focus instead on her new family (me and our future kids).This honestly has me feeling like I’m the only one in our marriage putting our marriage and our life together first. It feels like she is building and participating in two separate lives, in two different houses, simultaneously. This leaves me felling resentful, like I’m clapping with one hand while the other is clapping with someone else.I’m starting to feel like this may be a deal-breaker if she won’t go all-in with me on our marriage. I’ve always been told to put marriage first, and I seriously don’t feel that is happening here.Thoughts? Am I in the wrong for pushing this?