Marriage help? Long post.

When me and my current husband met, he was still in a relationship with someone else. There was a serious spark between us but obviously we were friends. After a couple months of back and forthing via text it was apparent that we were interested in each other, and the first thing I told him was to mention it to Angela (his gf, who he stated he had no feelings for) and not string it along..to which he kinda procrastinated because he hates hurting people's feelings. I ended up going to visit him (as a friend) and Angela was there almost the entire time, and he was very cuddly and snuggly with her. Very convincingly in the zone with her so to speak. I kinda sat there twiddling thumbs while they were being all gushy. I felt jealous, and confused based on the fact he said he was interested in me and didn't have feelings for her but strung her along. He told me it was all show to make her comfortable. Around the 4th day of this ridiculousness, I got a call from my mom saying that my dad fell unconscious while at the doctor (getting stents in his leg for recurring blisters) and that his O2 levels were dropping.

A couple months later, he finally stopped playing games with Angela and ended things. A few months after, I decided to move in with Ken.

Ken doesn't find people attractive, aka, crushes....except for 2 people in his life. Me, and a friend he confided in named Sara. Sara, was a friend that he started talking with through WOW, and who helped him through his previous divorce from his spouse. He developed a sort of fixation onto her that wasn't exactly shared, so he felt friendzoned and hurt by it. He had a journal that he showed me that had notes by her re-written in his handwriting for some sort of reference? Also poems to her. He also had a 7x10 photo of her face in a crystal photo frame near his bed. Needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable about this woman. It was borderline shrinish. I saw texts between them on his computer that were dated around when I was coming down to live with him, and they were suggestive and flirty and she was talking about taking him on a trip to Hawaii as some getaway and he was all up for it! As soon as he came home that day, I told him I saw it on his computer (realize I had free reign on the computer, and he really does not give a shit if I look at his texts if it bothers me) and he tried to explain it was just the way they talk and meant nothing and he insisted I look at the messages, and that if I was feeling wary, he was totally okay with leaving that open for me to look at. He didn't get mad not ONCE about it. NEVER. It was one of the only times I actually took advantage of his openness. Maybe a half a year later, Ken asked me to marry him and of course it was underway...but my mind was all muddled. I really didn't want him talking to this woman, and I couldn't tell him not to cause by golly, it's Sara we are talking about. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I did something that the calm me ...would never have done. I made a fake account pretending to be that Sara, smiting myself so Ken would stop talking to her. It was the sole, biggest, lowest dishonest thing I had done, and I regretted it...I mean I felt like a shit for it..and I knew the consequences if I admitted it was me, but I wanted to do the right thing. eventually I had to say it. I told him a week later I did it, it was me. I was sorry and wrong.. and he seemed..okay with it, calm, not pissed..but glad I told him. He told me he wasn't interested in talking to her, anyways.

The Sara situation dwindled into nothing meaning, he never thought of her or we never really talked about her. It just kinda..moved on. At one point i told him reluctantly he could talk to her if he wanted and he was like "Sara? I don't even have any desire to talk to her"

Through the 3 years of our marriage, we had ups and downs. I have PTSD which took a toll on us. Severe anxiety, which Ken doesn't handle and I made the mistake of using him as a crutch for a lot of it and he couldnt deal with it. He had asked me to seek help but I kept putting it off. Ive put it off since I was 5 years old. I had an extreme fear of talking about my life story. The abuse, rape, abusive parents, neglect, all of it. Talking to a therapist terrified me more than it should have.

This last Tuesday was the big one. The big Kahuna. Ken seemed odd. I couldn't put my finger on it. I asked him on Monday in bed what was going on, if he was distancing himself from me and he took a second and told me everything was fine and i was just imagining it. On Tuesday we went to eat dinner at some fancy restaurant, cracked some jokes, I asked him if he wanted to go do the $5 Tuesdays and he was all for that. Like totally excited, holding my hand, you know all the gooey lovely stuff. Which is normal and constant for us. I came home and gave him a kiss on the forehead as he was texting his best friend April and the text was something suggestive of me, but when I politely asked, he bold face lied to me saying it wasn't, I could tell he was lying and asked if it were really about me and he said "well, yes", "well then why did you lie to me?", "cause I didn't want to start a fight before the movie" and then I got angry, not cause he was talking to April about me (which isn't a state fucking secret, I really don't care) it was him lying to me. I blew up over it and that started this cataclysmic event. He went to the movie alone, and at the end of it texted me with this

"You've never believed how I felt about you. And you're right, I didn't know how to answer your question last night..thats why it took some time to think about. I am going to stop pretending that everything is okay cause it isn't. I don't want to sleep with you anymore, I don't want to do things with you anymore, you're not the person I want to be with. I gave you many chances to get help, I am done and I would like you to go"

You can probably imagine how I reacted, bawled like a baby. I called him making a complete ass out of myself saying he couldn't have meant that, he loves me, this cant be, I am sorry, I will fix this, I will go to a therapist, etc...and by god he just looked at me like ..get a fucking hold of yourself. I just lost it. He has never said that or ever even indicated EVER that he wanted that. Everytime, even weeks before he said he would never leave me, loves me too much, etc. On the way home I cried and apologized, and he just was like "it's too late"."I don't even know if I love you"," you don't mean that", "yes, I do" "do you really want me to leave?", "YES", "for good?", "for now". He went to bed as soon as he got home, not a tear, not a care, no reaction not even anger...just a fed up-ness. Once I got a hold of myself and processed it all, I wrote him an extensive text stating how I do need help, and I can't pretend any longer that I can deal with it on my own, and how I sure as shit can't use him as a crutch and that I don't blame him for being fed up with it, and to let me prove this and really do 120% by it. That it sucks I needed a massive push but I am going to do it and hope it betters myself as a standalone human cause I can't affect people like this, this bad. I wrote him basically that (summarized). He didn't respond the Wednesday, I contacted every single fucking therapist in town to get an appt in asap...and got one for Friday. My sister was resoundingly proud, (crying actually) that I am really going to do this, to find a way out of my own self. She'd only been pushing me for 20 years lol. I did everything I could to improve at least the quality of my day to help clear my head in all ways. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, myself, got a decent sleep schedule, made dinner. Was it all a show? No. It was a step to trying to improve my habits and get myself back to the person I am when I am normal. Ken came home, and seemed...jubilant...which is normal. Not to me, just with his day. The bizarre thing was him being sporadically extremely nice/normal to me but also very distant. I got 1 text from him "I am glad you go an appointment, We'll see how it goes but I want space at home". I respected that, and didn't bother him.

Thursday I also cooked, made cupcakes, got groceries, still giving him his space. At this point in my head... I honestly was hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I was done with the 'pining' 'please take me back' mindset and just...trying to find the positive in that, everything happens for a reason, and maybe my stubborn ass needed a slap to put me in the place I really need to be. So I actually in a small way, looked forward to my appt. I talked to my sister of course and she really, understood his need to distance himself, to say "you know what? I am fed up, I can't do this and I don't trust you will really do this" but made it clear that if I follow through and really give it my 120000% and he still wants a divorce cause there is nothing there, then that is really shitty. I talked to April that night who basically was like "I think he is done, like no hope good ole' American try 'done'. I was really excited you were finally getting that help, I just don't think that hope was shared". The next day was my appointment and fuuuuuuck. Sitting across from a woman staring at you, talking about your entire life story in order to be assessed was gut wrenching, I picked my fingers till they bled I was so nervous. without having someone look at me when I explain. She was very worried about PTSD, and it manifesting in some tangible way. She could tell I was extremely nervous and tried to calm me down. Afterward though, it felt...okay. like, I did it, and I will continue to. When I got home, Ken was there. He started talking to me and I took that as it was safe to talk to him too. He was happy I really went, proud maybe..but wary. He was still in that 'place' but he was really seeing I am really trying and have been, and will continue to. He's in this "we'll see how this goes" but holds my hand kinda thing. He told me spontaneously then that he started talking to Sara again. My brain went blank. like the blankest stare into nothingness. Normally, I would be upset, but I was composed (but dying on the inside). He literally handed me his phone and said I am more than welcome to look at the texts. I was not ready for it. I just got Ken back and then this sunk me back to an even worse place. I read the texts and I literally could not believe my eyes.

"Why did you add me again?"

"I wanted to apologize for unfriending you years ago"

(proceeded to tell the entire story of when I made that fake account years ago...the one I admitted to and he didn't even seem bothered by/said he didn't have any desire to talk to her anyway. Also told her I 'snooped' on their messages that time and it was totally "fucked up"....the messages he literally encouraged i read through with and was understanding about and told me I was more than welcome to look at any of his stuff to prove he has nothing to hide )

"Omg! Why would you marry someone like that?"

"I contemplated calling it off when I found out, but I had too much money on the venue. I wanted to add you back all these years but I didnt want to make her mad, and I didnt know if it would really be you I was talking to you this time. I don't care what she sees anymore."

"Don't worry, she's out of my life for good, how are you?"

(and literally the following is just a plethora of giddy 6-7am conversations with him talking about how beautiful the sunrise is there, etc and many phone calls.)

I was fucking FUMED. I walked out to have a cigarette to try and compose myself. I asked him to come out and talk with me and basically he just confirmed you know, that what he said about me was true, and to spice THAT up, was actually thinking about DIVORCE. I am like "but you love me" he said "many people in love get divorced" "You literally didn't want to be with me ever again??" "the other day yes, but now (holds my hand, kisses my forehead) lets see what happens, cause I love you and I am glad you are going to a therapist, i want to be with you" Then later he got defensive cause now all the sudden, it went from " I don't have any desire to talk to Sara anymore" years ago to ...now "You don't have any right to dictate who I can and can't talk to" merely because I said "I am going to try and be okay with the Sara thing. It hurts, i hate it, I don't understand it, but I am trying here". I told him it seems kinda odd he added her after all of these years right when he decided he didn't want me and he just shrugged his shoulders and said it doesn't mean anything. They are just friends. He doesn't think anything he did is wrong and it fundamentally is and feels wrong..not to mention the fact I had no idea about him contemplating marriage when I admitted it to him...something that I thought was done. he didn't even make a deal of it. At all. Why is he resurfacing it and blowing it up to her like this like it is suddenly valid again ? Talking about terrible of a person I am and just discarding me. I read these things and it hurts cause he's be romantic, sweet, and giving to me...through it all...how could he say those things? I have him back, kinda, I am going to continue to do my part but like...I feel just...I don't even know. Is what he did right or justified??? What do i even say?

Submitted April 06, 2019 at 09:34PM

When me and my current husband met, he was still in a relationship with someone else. There was a serious spark between us but obviously we were friends. After a couple months of back and forthing via text it was apparent that we were interested in each other, and the first thing I told him was to mention it to Angela (his gf, who he stated he had no feelings for) and not string it along..to which he kinda procrastinated because he hates hurting people's feelings. I ended up going to visit him (as a friend) and Angela was there almost the entire time, and he was very cuddly and snuggly with her. Very convincingly in the zone with her so to speak. I kinda sat there twiddling thumbs while they were being all gushy. I felt jealous, and confused based on the fact he said he was interested in me and didn't have feelings for her but strung her along. He told me it was all show to make her comfortable. Around the 4th day of this ridiculousness, I got a call from my mom saying that my dad fell unconscious while at the doctor (getting stents in his leg for recurring blisters) and that his O2 levels were dropping.A couple months later, he finally stopped playing games with Angela and ended things. A few months after, I decided to move in with Ken.Ken doesn't find people attractive, aka, crushes....except for 2 people in his life. Me, and a friend he confided in named Sara. Sara, was a friend that he started talking with through WOW, and who helped him through his previous divorce from his spouse. He developed a sort of fixation onto her that wasn't exactly shared, so he felt friendzoned and hurt by it. He had a journal that he showed me that had notes by her re-written in his handwriting for some sort of reference? Also poems to her. He also had a 7x10 photo of her face in a crystal photo frame near his bed. Needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable about this woman. It was borderline shrinish. I saw texts between them on his computer that were dated around when I was coming down to live with him, and they were suggestive and flirty and she was talking about taking him on a trip to Hawaii as some getaway and he was all up for it! As soon as he came home that day, I told him I saw it on his computer (realize I had free reign on the computer, and he really does not give a shit if I look at his texts if it bothers me) and he tried to explain it was just the way they talk and meant nothing and he insisted I look at the messages, and that if I was feeling wary, he was totally okay with leaving that open for me to look at. He didn't get mad not ONCE about it. NEVER. It was one of the only times I actually took advantage of his openness. Maybe a half a year later, Ken asked me to marry him and of course it was underway...but my mind was all muddled. I really didn't want him talking to this woman, and I couldn't tell him not to cause by golly, it's Sara we are talking about. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I did something that the calm me ...would never have done. I made a fake account pretending to be that Sara, smiting myself so Ken would stop talking to her. It was the sole, biggest, lowest dishonest thing I had done, and I regretted it...I mean I felt like a shit for it..and I knew the consequences if I admitted it was me, but I wanted to do the right thing. eventually I had to say it. I told him a week later I did it, it was me. I was sorry and wrong.. and he seemed..okay with it, calm, not pissed..but glad I told him. He told me he wasn't interested in talking to her, anyways.The Sara situation dwindled into nothing meaning, he never thought of her or we never really talked about her. It just kinda..moved on. At one point i told him reluctantly he could talk to her if he wanted and he was like "Sara? I don't even have any desire to talk to her"Through the 3 years of our marriage, we had ups and downs. I have PTSD which took a toll on us. Severe anxiety, which Ken doesn't handle and I made the mistake of using him as a crutch for a lot of it and he couldnt deal with it. He had asked me to seek help but I kept putting it off. Ive put it off since I was 5 years old. I had an extreme fear of talking about my life story. The abuse, rape, abusive parents, neglect, all of it. Talking to a therapist terrified me more than it should have.This last Tuesday was the big one. The big Kahuna. Ken seemed odd. I couldn't put my finger on it. I asked him on Monday in bed what was going on, if he was distancing himself from me and he took a second and told me everything was fine and i was just imagining it. On Tuesday we went to eat dinner at some fancy restaurant, cracked some jokes, I asked him if he wanted to go do the $5 Tuesdays and he was all for that. Like totally excited, holding my hand, you know all the gooey lovely stuff. Which is normal and constant for us. I came home and gave him a kiss on the forehead as he was texting his best friend April and the text was something suggestive of me, but when I politely asked, he bold face lied to me saying it wasn't, I could tell he was lying and asked if it were really about me and he said "well, yes", "well then why did you lie to me?", "cause I didn't want to start a fight before the movie" and then I got angry, not cause he was talking to April about me (which isn't a state fucking secret, I really don't care) it was him lying to me. I blew up over it and that started this cataclysmic event. He went to the movie alone, and at the end of it texted me with this"You've never believed how I felt about you. And you're right, I didn't know how to answer your question last night..thats why it took some time to think about. I am going to stop pretending that everything is okay cause it isn't. I don't want to sleep with you anymore, I don't want to do things with you anymore, you're not the person I want to be with. I gave you many chances to get help, I am done and I would like you to go"You can probably imagine how I reacted, bawled like a baby. I called him making a complete ass out of myself saying he couldn't have meant that, he loves me, this cant be, I am sorry, I will fix this, I will go to a therapist, etc...and by god he just looked at me like ..get a fucking hold of yourself. I just lost it. He has never said that or ever even indicated EVER that he wanted that. Everytime, even weeks before he said he would never leave me, loves me too much, etc. On the way home I cried and apologized, and he just was like "it's too late"."I don't even know if I love you"," you don't mean that", "yes, I do" "do you really want me to leave?", "YES", "for good?", "for now". He went to bed as soon as he got home, not a tear, not a care, no reaction not even anger...just a fed up-ness. Once I got a hold of myself and processed it all, I wrote him an extensive text stating how I do need help, and I can't pretend any longer that I can deal with it on my own, and how I sure as shit can't use him as a crutch and that I don't blame him for being fed up with it, and to let me prove this and really do 120% by it. That it sucks I needed a massive push but I am going to do it and hope it betters myself as a standalone human cause I can't affect people like this, this bad. I wrote him basically that (summarized). He didn't respond the Wednesday, I contacted every single fucking therapist in town to get an appt in asap...and got one for Friday. My sister was resoundingly proud, (crying actually) that I am really going to do this, to find a way out of my own self. She'd only been pushing me for 20 years lol. I did everything I could to improve at least the quality of my day to help clear my head in all ways. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, myself, got a decent sleep schedule, made dinner. Was it all a show? No. It was a step to trying to improve my habits and get myself back to the person I am when I am normal. Ken came home, and seemed...jubilant...which is normal. Not to me, just with his day. The bizarre thing was him being sporadically extremely nice/normal to me but also very distant. I got 1 text from him "I am glad you go an appointment, We'll see how it goes but I want space at home". I respected that, and didn't bother him.Thursday I also cooked, made cupcakes, got groceries, still giving him his space. At this point in my head... I honestly was hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I was done with the 'pining' 'please take me back' mindset and just...trying to find the positive in that, everything happens for a reason, and maybe my stubborn ass needed a slap to put me in the place I really need to be. So I actually in a small way, looked forward to my appt. I talked to my sister of course and she really, understood his need to distance himself, to say "you know what? I am fed up, I can't do this and I don't trust you will really do this" but made it clear that if I follow through and really give it my 120000% and he still wants a divorce cause there is nothing there, then that is really shitty. I talked to April that night who basically was like "I think he is done, like no hope good ole' American try 'done'. I was really excited you were finally getting that help, I just don't think that hope was shared". The next day was my appointment and fuuuuuuck. Sitting across from a woman staring at you, talking about your entire life story in order to be assessed was gut wrenching, I picked my fingers till they bled I was so nervous. without having someone look at me when I explain. She was very worried about PTSD, and it manifesting in some tangible way. She could tell I was extremely nervous and tried to calm me down. Afterward though, it felt...okay. like, I did it, and I will continue to. When I got home, Ken was there. He started talking to me and I took that as it was safe to talk to him too. He was happy I really went, proud maybe..but wary. He was still in that 'place' but he was really seeing I am really trying and have been, and will continue to. He's in this "we'll see how this goes" but holds my hand kinda thing. He told me spontaneously then that he started talking to Sara again. My brain went blank. like the blankest stare into nothingness. Normally, I would be upset, but I was composed (but dying on the inside). He literally handed me his phone and said I am more than welcome to look at the texts. I was not ready for it. I just got Ken back and then this sunk me back to an even worse place. I read the texts and I literally could not believe my eyes."Why did you add me again?""I wanted to apologize for unfriending you years ago"(proceeded to tell the entire story of when I made that fake account years ago...the one I admitted to and he didn't even seem bothered by/said he didn't have any desire to talk to her anyway. Also told her I 'snooped' on their messages that time and it was totally "fucked up"....the messages he literally encouraged i read through with and was understanding about and told me I was more than welcome to look at any of his stuff to prove he has nothing to hide )"Omg! Why would you marry someone like that?""I contemplated calling it off when I found out, but I had too much money on the venue. I wanted to add you back all these years but I didnt want to make her mad, and I didnt know if it would really be you I was talking to you this time. I don't care what she sees anymore.""Don't worry, she's out of my life for good, how are you?"(and literally the following is just a plethora of giddy 6-7am conversations with him talking about how beautiful the sunrise is there, etc and many phone calls.)I was fucking FUMED. I walked out to have a cigarette to try and compose myself. I asked him to come out and talk with me and basically he just confirmed you know, that what he said about me was true, and to spice THAT up, was actually thinking about DIVORCE. I am like "but you love me" he said "many people in love get divorced" "You literally didn't want to be with me ever again??" "the other day yes, but now (holds my hand, kisses my forehead) lets see what happens, cause I love you and I am glad you are going to a therapist, i want to be with you" Then later he got defensive cause now all the sudden, it went from " I don't have any desire to talk to Sara anymore" years ago to ...now "You don't have any right to dictate who I can and can't talk to" merely because I said "I am going to try and be okay with the Sara thing. It hurts, i hate it, I don't understand it, but I am trying here". I told him it seems kinda odd he added her after all of these years right when he decided he didn't want me and he just shrugged his shoulders and said it doesn't mean anything. They are just friends. He doesn't think anything he did is wrong and it fundamentally is and feels wrong..not to mention the fact I had no idea about him contemplating marriage when I admitted it to him...something that I thought was done. he didn't even make a deal of it. At all. Why is he resurfacing it and blowing it up to her like this like it is suddenly valid again ? Talking about terrible of a person I am and just discarding me. I read these things and it hurts cause he's be romantic, sweet, and giving to me...through it all...how could he say those things? I have him back, kinda, I am going to continue to do my part but like...I feel just...I don't even know. Is what he did right or justified??? What do i even say?