Me [33 M]with my ex gf [29 F] of three years, both physicians, confusing break up.

Three years relationship, filled with love and comfort (at least to me). Seemed to be doing well for awhile.

Quick timelines: - met in the hospital - year 1: met both family from both end, loved our respective families (I think). I certainly loved her family and I was told that they loved me. - year 1.5: asked her family if I can propose. They said yes. - year 2: She got extremely jealous when I told her I’ve been with multiple partners. I was her only partner (she had a previous relationship lasting two years with no sex?). She asked me if she can have sex with OTHER people while I am not allowed to do so (because it’s unfair she said). She dropped this statement after one day and I still wasn’t sure if she was joking or not, but it casted enough doubt for me to did not want to get a ring right the way. - Also year 2: At this time I was looking at subspecialty training. I interviewed all across the country but arranged my job preference based on proximity to her. However red flag from me was that I did not want to stay in the same town with her (our town’s only training program is subpar), thus commiting us to one year of long distance. - All the way till year 2: relationship has otherwise been seemingly perfect. Told her I am hoping to get engaged to her when I finish my one year training in a city 2 hrs away by flight.

Meanwhile, she was working 80-90 hours a week. I was working from 50 to 60.

Meanwhile, I was paying for every single meal and outing. We earned the same salary (40-50k or so), with mine being 1-2k more. She’s a feminist but told me that her mom raised her to expect men to pay for all meals.

Year 2: I was on night float (one week of nights at the time) and my apartments were geniunely disgusting. I had a particularly hard two 14 hour shift of nights with 8 hours off in between where I need to sleep during the day. This type of shift happens once or twice during my five years of training.

My ex asked me half way into my first shift to want to sleep in my apartment because she was “afraid that a bug went into her apartment”. I thought she was being ridiculous and told her I really need the rest. She grew suspicious and demanded I give her access to my apartment which i ultimately did. Usually we spend time in her apartment. She later said my apartment was so messy she thought I was immature. Her apartment is similar in messiness level during tough work weeks but she does make more effort to clean than I do.

Year 2-2.5: I start my training program, which is around 80-90 hours a week. We start long distance. Started off ok, but there has been more and more arguments. We spend about one hour everyday on the phone.

Our discussions usually revolve around medicine related subjects as we do not share other interests. She does not share my interest in science fiction, gaming, or scientific discoveries, and she considers them juvenile.

On the average, I spend about 300-600 USD a month to visit her every month and take her out on all meals. She has never visited me in my new city.

By this time, I also signed a contract to return to be close to the city where she’s at. We would still be long distance but I would be able to visit every weekend. This job is not an ideal job for me and I made it clear that I was shifting my career trajectory to be with her.

Year 2.5: by this time she has been give me some complaints about my organization, clothing choices, etc, and think I am a “man-child” because I did not cook for myself (none of my coworkers in my program cook because of 90 hour work weeks).

Year 2.6: first sign of major trouble. There was a death in my work place, which shook me up significantly. The next day I had erectile dysfunction. She was distraught, but instead of complaining about my erection issue she told me that I was “too immature” because of the following - chewing too loud - not eating food in small enough chunks - wear mismatched socks - had bad breath.

We always had a poor sex life, which i chalked it up to her being a virgin. She does not perform any other sex acts besides missionary position or hand job in the later part of the relationship. While she never said no to my advances, she insisted on condom despite having an IUD and I do not ejaculate with condoms on (we were both tested years back and monogamous). As a result I did not particularly enjoy sex with her in the later part of our relationship. I wish I was more open about how much difficulties I was having with our sex life with her but the other part of our relationship was so comfortable I didn’t want to rock the boat. I also did not want her to think that I am trying to force her to accept sex without condoms and its associated risk, because to her an unexpected pregnancy can jeopardize her training and as she told me “work comes first, you come second”.

Never the less, I found it hard to be aroused by someone who criticized me constantly and lost my erection with her for the rest of the time we were together (3 x more attempts of penetrative sex over the next 3 months). She also would not stimulate me at all or touch me unless I specifically tell her to. She also insisted to turn the light off, and she does not moan. I did not find it arousing to tell her exactly what to do everytime, especially when our vaginal sex could not give me orgasms.

At this time, I didn’t quite realize that our love may have been lost, but I did immediately take action with visit to the dentist and oral hygiene, completely reorganized my apartment (that she did not plan to visit) and cooked at home. I still could not cook at work because I thought I did not have time.

The end: after another nice visit, she called me and told me that she wants to see other people while continue to date me and have me buy her food and drinks, because I was not “improving fast enough”. She cited a couple things - putting my clothes all over her bed along with her cloth when I visited - not flushing the toilet in the morning (while she’s asleep) - failure to review an 18 minute ettiequte video on fork use.

Mind you, I was at least kept together enough to land multiple job offers and professorship in what I do, and mature enough to have been living apart from parents and on my own since college. I didn’t cook though, and I did mix my sock.

She told me that she wanted to date other men while I get my “shit together.” And that she was getting older and don’t want to waste time because I have not proposed yet. She told me she want to keep dating me while dating other men.

I asked her if she want to try counseling, to which she replied “I don’t have any problems, only you do, and I can’t fix your problems.” I asked her if she wanted to try stopping communication without seeing other people, she replied “but that’s unfair”.

I told her that we are done, and because I still loved her I would prefer no contact because the thought of her dating other people hurt me deeply.

She then mocked me and said “You mean you are afraid of competing with other men”. Actually, no, I just don’t believe that I should have any sort of relationship for someone who can even entertain such an idea. She then protested that I didn’t love her enough to be her friend.

Now that our relationship has ended, I was initially quite sad, and felt that I lost someone I really loved. Then my friends asked me why I loved her. I told them she took care of me. They asked me how.

I couldn’t answer that question. Apart from our first couple dates, I paid for every meal. Meanwhile, because she worked 80-90 hour weeks, she expected me to do housework (I did wash some dishes but not significant amount of housework).

She was also distraught about my lack of proposal. Yet I was afraid to propose prior to returning to near her due to fear of us not being able to survive the long distance.

She insisted my sexual issues had nothing to do with the breakup, but I feel horrible because I knew it was psychogenic and likely related to the fact that I have a hard time having sex with someone who no longer desired me.

Reddit, I am feeling strange, for not feeling as sad as I thought I should be for losing a 3 year relationship with someone I thought I loved and I know I cared for deeply. Until 2 weeks ago I thought I would marry her and have children with her. Should I feel worse about this?

I really loved the idea of marrying someone who is also a physician and understand what I went through. I really did love her as a person. Our time together was calm, loving and effortless. We were a family.

However, she would never pay for her meals (we did split our big ticket vacations around 40/60, with me paying the 60%). Though we will both make 99 percentile salary in the future and work 70 hour weeks, she does not want others to participate in house care or child care (as in no cleaners, gardners, etc because she does not like strangers in the house) and she wants me to partake the majority of it (because my job will be on the lower end of 70 while hers maybe on the higher end).

In the end, am I an asshole to be kind of relieved that I will not be marrying someone that isn’t sexually experienced or willing to learn/experiment, expect me to pay for every meal, and constantly belittle me?

I still think that we had a loving relationship, but is just very immature in her mental age when it comes to relationship. Hopefully she’ll experience more relationships and more men and find happiness.

Going forward, I am hitting the gym again, definitely hitting up male fashion advice for whole new wardrobe and going to start cooking. I do think she’s right about being more organized and homely, after all.

TL:DR: break up of a long and loving relationship. We were comfortable, however she wanted me to pay for every meal and I did. She did not spend any money on me or emotionally support me much, does not remember my birthday because her work comes first. I am confused because I do not feel as bad, but maybe I should not feel bad despite being dumped because I dodged a bullet, a bullet that prefer me to take her out for every meal and pay for shopping the same way a stay at home wife would while spending 70-80 hours in the hospital and leaving me to do a lot of housework (I may work 60-70 hours a week).

Submitted April 21, 2019 at 05:04AM

Three years relationship, filled with love and comfort (at least to me). Seemed to be doing well for awhile.Quick timelines: - met in the hospital - year 1: met both family from both end, loved our respective families (I think). I certainly loved her family and I was told that they loved me. - year 1.5: asked her family if I can propose. They said yes. - year 2: She got extremely jealous when I told her I’ve been with multiple partners. I was her only partner (she had a previous relationship lasting two years with no sex?). She asked me if she can have sex with OTHER people while I am not allowed to do so (because it’s unfair she said). She dropped this statement after one day and I still wasn’t sure if she was joking or not, but it casted enough doubt for me to did not want to get a ring right the way. - Also year 2: At this time I was looking at subspecialty training. I interviewed all across the country but arranged my job preference based on proximity to her. However red flag from me was that I did not want to stay in the same town with her (our town’s only training program is subpar), thus commiting us to one year of long distance. - All the way till year 2: relationship has otherwise been seemingly perfect. Told her I am hoping to get engaged to her when I finish my one year training in a city 2 hrs away by flight.Meanwhile, she was working 80-90 hours a week. I was working from 50 to 60.Meanwhile, I was paying for every single meal and outing. We earned the same salary (40-50k or so), with mine being 1-2k more. She’s a feminist but told me that her mom raised her to expect men to pay for all meals.Year 2: I was on night float (one week of nights at the time) and my apartments were geniunely disgusting. I had a particularly hard two 14 hour shift of nights with 8 hours off in between where I need to sleep during the day. This type of shift happens once or twice during my five years of training.My ex asked me half way into my first shift to want to sleep in my apartment because she was “afraid that a bug went into her apartment”. I thought she was being ridiculous and told her I really need the rest. She grew suspicious and demanded I give her access to my apartment which i ultimately did. Usually we spend time in her apartment. She later said my apartment was so messy she thought I was immature. Her apartment is similar in messiness level during tough work weeks but she does make more effort to clean than I do.Year 2-2.5: I start my training program, which is around 80-90 hours a week. We start long distance. Started off ok, but there has been more and more arguments. We spend about one hour everyday on the phone.Our discussions usually revolve around medicine related subjects as we do not share other interests. She does not share my interest in science fiction, gaming, or scientific discoveries, and she considers them juvenile.On the average, I spend about 300-600 USD a month to visit her every month and take her out on all meals. She has never visited me in my new city.By this time, I also signed a contract to return to be close to the city where she’s at. We would still be long distance but I would be able to visit every weekend. This job is not an ideal job for me and I made it clear that I was shifting my career trajectory to be with her.Year 2.5: by this time she has been give me some complaints about my organization, clothing choices, etc, and think I am a “man-child” because I did not cook for myself (none of my coworkers in my program cook because of 90 hour work weeks).Year 2.6: first sign of major trouble. There was a death in my work place, which shook me up significantly. The next day I had erectile dysfunction. She was distraught, but instead of complaining about my erection issue she told me that I was “too immature” because of the following - chewing too loud - not eating food in small enough chunks - wear mismatched socks - had bad breath.We always had a poor sex life, which i chalked it up to her being a virgin. She does not perform any other sex acts besides missionary position or hand job in the later part of the relationship. While she never said no to my advances, she insisted on condom despite having an IUD and I do not ejaculate with condoms on (we were both tested years back and monogamous). As a result I did not particularly enjoy sex with her in the later part of our relationship. I wish I was more open about how much difficulties I was having with our sex life with her but the other part of our relationship was so comfortable I didn’t want to rock the boat. I also did not want her to think that I am trying to force her to accept sex without condoms and its associated risk, because to her an unexpected pregnancy can jeopardize her training and as she told me “work comes first, you come second”.Never the less, I found it hard to be aroused by someone who criticized me constantly and lost my erection with her for the rest of the time we were together (3 x more attempts of penetrative sex over the next 3 months). She also would not stimulate me at all or touch me unless I specifically tell her to. She also insisted to turn the light off, and she does not moan. I did not find it arousing to tell her exactly what to do everytime, especially when our vaginal sex could not give me orgasms.At this time, I didn’t quite realize that our love may have been lost, but I did immediately take action with visit to the dentist and oral hygiene, completely reorganized my apartment (that she did not plan to visit) and cooked at home. I still could not cook at work because I thought I did not have time.The end: after another nice visit, she called me and told me that she wants to see other people while continue to date me and have me buy her food and drinks, because I was not “improving fast enough”. She cited a couple things - putting my clothes all over her bed along with her cloth when I visited - not flushing the toilet in the morning (while she’s asleep) - failure to review an 18 minute ettiequte video on fork use.Mind you, I was at least kept together enough to land multiple job offers and professorship in what I do, and mature enough to have been living apart from parents and on my own since college. I didn’t cook though, and I did mix my sock.She told me that she wanted to date other men while I get my “shit together.” And that she was getting older and don’t want to waste time because I have not proposed yet. She told me she want to keep dating me while dating other men.I asked her if she want to try counseling, to which she replied “I don’t have any problems, only you do, and I can’t fix your problems.” I asked her if she wanted to try stopping communication without seeing other people, she replied “but that’s unfair”.I told her that we are done, and because I still loved her I would prefer no contact because the thought of her dating other people hurt me deeply.She then mocked me and said “You mean you are afraid of competing with other men”. Actually, no, I just don’t believe that I should have any sort of relationship for someone who can even entertain such an idea. She then protested that I didn’t love her enough to be her friend.Now that our relationship has ended, I was initially quite sad, and felt that I lost someone I really loved. Then my friends asked me why I loved her. I told them she took care of me. They asked me how.I couldn’t answer that question. Apart from our first couple dates, I paid for every meal. Meanwhile, because she worked 80-90 hour weeks, she expected me to do housework (I did wash some dishes but not significant amount of housework).She was also distraught about my lack of proposal. Yet I was afraid to propose prior to returning to near her due to fear of us not being able to survive the long distance.She insisted my sexual issues had nothing to do with the breakup, but I feel horrible because I knew it was psychogenic and likely related to the fact that I have a hard time having sex with someone who no longer desired me.Reddit, I am feeling strange, for not feeling as sad as I thought I should be for losing a 3 year relationship with someone I thought I loved and I know I cared for deeply. Until 2 weeks ago I thought I would marry her and have children with her. Should I feel worse about this?I really loved the idea of marrying someone who is also a physician and understand what I went through. I really did love her as a person. Our time together was calm, loving and effortless. We were a family.However, she would never pay for her meals (we did split our big ticket vacations around 40/60, with me paying the 60%). Though we will both make 99 percentile salary in the future and work 70 hour weeks, she does not want others to participate in house care or child care (as in no cleaners, gardners, etc because she does not like strangers in the house) and she wants me to partake the majority of it (because my job will be on the lower end of 70 while hers maybe on the higher end).In the end, am I an asshole to be kind of relieved that I will not be marrying someone that isn’t sexually experienced or willing to learn/experiment, expect me to pay for every meal, and constantly belittle me?I still think that we had a loving relationship, but is just very immature in her mental age when it comes to relationship. Hopefully she’ll experience more relationships and more men and find happiness.Going forward, I am hitting the gym again, definitely hitting up male fashion advice for whole new wardrobe and going to start cooking. I do think she’s right about being more organized and homely, after all.TL:DR: break up of a long and loving relationship. We were comfortable, however she wanted me to pay for every meal and I did. She did not spend any money on me or emotionally support me much, does not remember my birthday because her work comes first. I am confused because I do not feel as bad, but maybe I should not feel bad despite being dumped because I dodged a bullet, a bullet that prefer me to take her out for every meal and pay for shopping the same way a stay at home wife would while spending 70-80 hours in the hospital and leaving me to do a lot of housework (I may work 60-70 hours a week).