I'm (27F) starting to resent my unemployed bf (27M) and don't know what to do

We've been together for about three years. But I've started to doubt everything in the past few months and I can't tell if it's just the stress of him being unemployed that has made everything more difficult and I just need to wait it out, or if I'm being shallow, or if we're not very compatible.

There are a lot of things that make us great together. Similar values in religion, politics, morals. He makes me laugh so much and we can sit or walk for hours, just talking. He is a really level-headed, calming person, and does lots of thoughtful things. There are so many positive qualities about him and our relationship that I can't even begin to describe, and I love him so much. But:

A few months ago we moved from the East Coast, where we both had jobs but didn't want to stay forever, to a new city where he had landed a seasonal position that sounded like it could lead to some really promising opportunities and connections. I was able to keep my same job and now work remotely. I was under the impression that he'd be actively job hunting over the course of the seasonal gig for something permament, but I guess nothing panned out because that gig has been over for about three months now and he doesn't have a job yet. I have tried to be really encouraging and supportive but he's only had one interview in those three months and I'm starting to lose patience. I saw his resume a few days ago and...it was a mess. Four different fonts, all the text clumped tightly together, lots of odd phrasing.

What's frustrating about it is that he doesn't seek out feedback or constructive critique from people, and becomes defensive when people offer it. He doesn't seek out courses or networking opportunities or professional development, and I he doesn't seem to have an idea of what he'd like to do long-term in a career at all.

I'm starting to feel like we're just on different paths. I'm almost 28 and I want kids, marriage, a house, and I know I can't force things or compare my life to other people's, but these are things I've always wanted for myself, and I don't feel comfortable waiting until I'm in my early 30s to start thinking about these things. He is on board with all of it, but I am having a hard time imagining things happening in a reasonable timeframe and in a way that would feel balanced and financially secure.

I'm on a good track financially and have saved up a good portion of half of a house down payment, and I've spent time in therapy over the past few years to improve myself and work out issues that habe contributed to problems in our relationship, and I try to exercise and take care of myself, but I feel like I'm doing it all alone and keep noticing in many aspects of our relationship that things don't happen unless I nudge him - apply for jobs, get a haircut, get health insurance. For a long time he was wearing clothes he's had since middle school, but he was reluctant to buy new clothes so now I've started shopping for him with my own money because I enjoy seeing him in clothes that fit but don't want to pressure him to buy things that aren't a big deal to him.

He isn't depressed, because we've talked about that; in fact, I'm the one who's slipping into being a miserable mess here. I've considered that maybe I'm just projecting my own issues onto him - which is also what he's suggested - but I have hobbies and friends and have gotten involved in the local community and started a local meetup here, all of which keeps me pretty content and occupied on my own time.

All of this frustration is building up, and I've talked to him before about how it bothers me that he doesn't act on things without my nudging, but he always insists that he would have done them without me telling him to - so I don't know what to think. I also know that it's not my job to control him, that I'm not his mother...but I can only look at a messy, greasy mop of hair for so long, for example, before it starts to be a turnoff. So then I end up asking if he's going to get a haircut soon, and he sometimes gets the hint and sometimes doesn't. I've told him how much I love his more groomed look, I've told him before that I don't like bugging him about that kind of thing and would love if he could take the initiative on his own...and he says yes, sorry, but then his hair gets long and messy again and I'm sitting here itching to say something but trying to keep my mouth shut. And it's like that with so many things - it's not my job to make him take care of things, but him not taking care of them himself does affect me. And I don't know what to do.

tl;dr Boyfriend rarely takes initiative on things and is currently unemployed. I'm getting fed up with the lack of action and can't tell if I'm being shallow, or impatient or unreasonable. I know I tend to micromanage and I know that the dynamic is not sustainable, but I don't know what to do about it. Should I just work on myself and try to become less picky and controlling?

Submitted April 21, 2019 at 05:32AM

We've been together for about three years. But I've started to doubt everything in the past few months and I can't tell if it's just the stress of him being unemployed that has made everything more difficult and I just need to wait it out, or if I'm being shallow, or if we're not very compatible.There are a lot of things that make us great together. Similar values in religion, politics, morals. He makes me laugh so much and we can sit or walk for hours, just talking. He is a really level-headed, calming person, and does lots of thoughtful things. There are so many positive qualities about him and our relationship that I can't even begin to describe, and I love him so much. But:A few months ago we moved from the East Coast, where we both had jobs but didn't want to stay forever, to a new city where he had landed a seasonal position that sounded like it could lead to some really promising opportunities and connections. I was able to keep my same job and now work remotely. I was under the impression that he'd be actively job hunting over the course of the seasonal gig for something permament, but I guess nothing panned out because that gig has been over for about three months now and he doesn't have a job yet. I have tried to be really encouraging and supportive but he's only had one interview in those three months and I'm starting to lose patience. I saw his resume a few days ago and...it was a mess. Four different fonts, all the text clumped tightly together, lots of odd phrasing.What's frustrating about it is that he doesn't seek out feedback or constructive critique from people, and becomes defensive when people offer it. He doesn't seek out courses or networking opportunities or professional development, and I he doesn't seem to have an idea of what he'd like to do long-term in a career at all.I'm starting to feel like we're just on different paths. I'm almost 28 and I want kids, marriage, a house, and I know I can't force things or compare my life to other people's, but these are things I've always wanted for myself, and I don't feel comfortable waiting until I'm in my early 30s to start thinking about these things. He is on board with all of it, but I am having a hard time imagining things happening in a reasonable timeframe and in a way that would feel balanced and financially secure.I'm on a good track financially and have saved up a good portion of half of a house down payment, and I've spent time in therapy over the past few years to improve myself and work out issues that habe contributed to problems in our relationship, and I try to exercise and take care of myself, but I feel like I'm doing it all alone and keep noticing in many aspects of our relationship that things don't happen unless I nudge him - apply for jobs, get a haircut, get health insurance. For a long time he was wearing clothes he's had since middle school, but he was reluctant to buy new clothes so now I've started shopping for him with my own money because I enjoy seeing him in clothes that fit but don't want to pressure him to buy things that aren't a big deal to him.He isn't depressed, because we've talked about that; in fact, I'm the one who's slipping into being a miserable mess here. I've considered that maybe I'm just projecting my own issues onto him - which is also what he's suggested - but I have hobbies and friends and have gotten involved in the local community and started a local meetup here, all of which keeps me pretty content and occupied on my own time.All of this frustration is building up, and I've talked to him before about how it bothers me that he doesn't act on things without my nudging, but he always insists that he would have done them without me telling him to - so I don't know what to think. I also know that it's not my job to control him, that I'm not his mother...but I can only look at a messy, greasy mop of hair for so long, for example, before it starts to be a turnoff. So then I end up asking if he's going to get a haircut soon, and he sometimes gets the hint and sometimes doesn't. I've told him how much I love his more groomed look, I've told him before that I don't like bugging him about that kind of thing and would love if he could take the initiative on his own...and he says yes, sorry, but then his hair gets long and messy again and I'm sitting here itching to say something but trying to keep my mouth shut. And it's like that with so many things - it's not my job to make him take care of things, but him not taking care of them himself does affect me. And I don't know what to do.tl;dr Boyfriend rarely takes initiative on things and is currently unemployed. I'm getting fed up with the lack of action and can't tell if I'm being shallow, or impatient or unreasonable. I know I tend to micromanage and I know that the dynamic is not sustainable, but I don't know what to do about it. Should I just work on myself and try to become less picky and controlling?