How do you know whether to end it or keep trying? (36m 38f)

I made this account a little under two years ago when my wife (she’s 38, I’m 36) told me she wanted to separate, and made a few posts about it since. Feel free to search my profile if you want the full back story, there’s a lot of reading and it’s chock full of psycho crazy shit and new found beliefs in zodiacs and numbers and obsession with the Twin Flames cult.

Short version: she developed a crush on a guy at college who she is still convinced is her twin flame, even though he blocked her and has no interest in her and became a catholic priest. Then she had a crush on a second guy from canada who messaged her after seeing her post on one of the twin flames groups on facebooks and wants in her pants real bad, and she made plans to go visit him this summer but didn’t follow through on that because she found out he talks to other women (he still harasses her constantly through Messenger and texts her and she leads him on sometimes). And then eventually she developed a crush on a third guy at school though I know no other information about this new one.

We’ve been on-again, off-again for the past year and a half. She moved out (and back in) twice, and sometimes talks about moving out a third time. Sometimes we go back to being a little affectionate for a brief time and then she wants space again for a long while. She’s slept in a different bedroom every night for several months now. Hasn’t worn her wedding ring for even longer, and changed her last name on facebook ages ago to some random keyboard-smash gibberish.

I’ve given up trying to talk her into going to counseling together. I think she needs more time maybe, but I’m not sure. If I don’t push the issue either way then we’re probably going to stay in this limbo for a long time.

Here is what I’m agonizing over: if I could be sure that we would fix things eventually and go to counseling and learn to love each other again, then I don’t mind waiting so much. I’m patient, I try my best to be selfless, and we also have two kids (a 9 year old daughter that she’s had from a previous relationship but met me when she was a baby so I’m pretty much her daddy, and also a 3 year old boy we made together).

However: if I could know that it won’t work out with us in the end then I’d rather not waste years of our limited lives being unhappy together only to split up in the end anyway. I have a friend who I kind of like and I tried asking her out during a time when my wife had been moved out for over a month and waiting on divorce, and she told me she might be interested in the future but at the time she would have to turn me down for now (she was really kind about it). It’s somebody with none of the drama that has a lot in common with me and I know I could be happy with.

Part of me says the right thing to do is to keep trying to work on my marriage and keep my family together, and that if it works I’ll eventually be glad I did when I look back on these days. And then the other part of me says maybe I’m with the wrong person, to stop trying to be good enough for somebody who doesn’t want me anymore, and to stop wasting precious minutes on this earth being unhappy and delaying the inevitable.

What do I do? How do you decide something like this?

Please give me some insight. Some guidance. I’m just so lost.

TL;DR my wife developed three crushes over the past 19 months (but hasn’t cheated physically) and moved out (and back in) twice and still is ambiguous about me, we have two small children, I think I might be happier with a friend I know who I kind of like and hinted at liking me back, but I can’t decide if I should keep trying to fix things or to stop dragging them out and end it.

Submitted April 21, 2019 at 04:55AM

I made this account a little under two years ago when my wife (she’s 38, I’m 36) told me she wanted to separate, and made a few posts about it since. Feel free to search my profile if you want the full back story, there’s a lot of reading and it’s chock full of psycho crazy shit and new found beliefs in zodiacs and numbers and obsession with the Twin Flames cult.Short version: she developed a crush on a guy at college who she is still convinced is her twin flame, even though he blocked her and has no interest in her and became a catholic priest. Then she had a crush on a second guy from canada who messaged her after seeing her post on one of the twin flames groups on facebooks and wants in her pants real bad, and she made plans to go visit him this summer but didn’t follow through on that because she found out he talks to other women (he still harasses her constantly through Messenger and texts her and she leads him on sometimes). And then eventually she developed a crush on a third guy at school though I know no other information about this new one.We’ve been on-again, off-again for the past year and a half. She moved out (and back in) twice, and sometimes talks about moving out a third time. Sometimes we go back to being a little affectionate for a brief time and then she wants space again for a long while. She’s slept in a different bedroom every night for several months now. Hasn’t worn her wedding ring for even longer, and changed her last name on facebook ages ago to some random keyboard-smash gibberish.I’ve given up trying to talk her into going to counseling together. I think she needs more time maybe, but I’m not sure. If I don’t push the issue either way then we’re probably going to stay in this limbo for a long time.Here is what I’m agonizing over: if I could be sure that we would fix things eventually and go to counseling and learn to love each other again, then I don’t mind waiting so much. I’m patient, I try my best to be selfless, and we also have two kids (a 9 year old daughter that she’s had from a previous relationship but met me when she was a baby so I’m pretty much her daddy, and also a 3 year old boy we made together).However: if I could know that it won’t work out with us in the end then I’d rather not waste years of our limited lives being unhappy together only to split up in the end anyway. I have a friend who I kind of like and I tried asking her out during a time when my wife had been moved out for over a month and waiting on divorce, and she told me she might be interested in the future but at the time she would have to turn me down for now (she was really kind about it). It’s somebody with none of the drama that has a lot in common with me and I know I could be happy with.Part of me says the right thing to do is to keep trying to work on my marriage and keep my family together, and that if it works I’ll eventually be glad I did when I look back on these days. And then the other part of me says maybe I’m with the wrong person, to stop trying to be good enough for somebody who doesn’t want me anymore, and to stop wasting precious minutes on this earth being unhappy and delaying the inevitable.What do I do? How do you decide something like this?Please give me some insight. Some guidance. I’m just so lost.TL;DR my wife developed three crushes over the past 19 months (but hasn’t cheated physically) and moved out (and back in) twice and still is ambiguous about me, we have two small children, I think I might be happier with a friend I know who I kind of like and hinted at liking me back, but I can’t decide if I should keep trying to fix things or to stop dragging them out and end it.