I (29, F) am tired of doing all of the emotional work in my 8 year relationship with my husband (37, M) and I have no idea what I should expect from someone in a relationship.

Hi everyone. Thanks for reading this! I have been with my husband for a long time (8 years total). I have felt frustration and discontent in my relationship for a while, but I assumed that I felt that way because I am selfish, needy, and anxious- a view of myself that I am beginning to question (thanks, therapy). We definitely have communication issues and I have played a huge role in that. I back down to avoid conflict and he gets defensive. I have a hard time trusting how I feel and then I back track. I've been working on being more straight-forward and honest. About a month and a half ago, I told him that I was seriously unhappy with the relationship and we needed to work on it and make decisions regarding our life (I want kids, he doesn't; I want to move for my work; he doesn't; I want to have sex more; he doesn't). Since then, he has done a few things to work on our relationship- he sat with me on the couch without going on his phone (something I've asked for in the past) and he agreed to go to couples' counseling. Despite this, I've felt increasingly depressed about our relationship. I've brought up issues in our relationship many times before. For example, I would tell him that I felt like our relationship needed more romance. He got extremely angry, told me all the romantic things he had done, and slept on the couch. I felt selfish because he was right- he had done those romantic things (hugging, telling me he loved me, holding my hand) but I disregarded the fact that I still felt like there was a lack of romance so nothing would change. A while later, I would bring it up again because I felt the same way and the cycle would repeat. The same thing would happen with other complaints that I had about our relationship. I recognize that I did not communicate my complaints effectively. Then, I learned about love languages and the concept that the love you feel for someone and making someone feel loved are two different things resonated with me deeply. I finally felt that I had a way to explain to him that I knew he loved me but I still didn't feel cared for. I told him that I liked it when he asked me questions about my life, when he flirted with me, when he looked me in the eyes, when he spent time with me without his phone, and when he acted protectively. Sometimes he would act on these things but it would only last a little while. I explicitly told him that these things made me feel loved. I explicitly asked for these things. I have brought up the concept of love languages at least 50 times in our relationship. I asked him the other day if he knows what makes me feel loved. He said that he doesn't. I asked him about love languages. He did not know what I was talking about. I feel insane. I keep trying to get him to talk about the issues in our relationship but he is so resistant. He gets defensive, he tells me that he can tell that I hate him (I don't!). I don't know how to get him to work on these issues and I am so tired of always being the one to lead and initiate these conversations.

Everyone that I talk to tells me that men are just bad at communicating. How much should I be able to expect from someone in terms of remembering the things that I say and taking an active role in the relationship? I feel like I am all alone already. I don't believe that he has ever initiated a conversation about our relationship. Am I asking too much by expecting that he does? I also wished that he paid closer attention to me and cared when I asked for specific things- like asking me how I'm feeling when I have a cold. sitting next to me, asking me questions. I know these aren't huge issues but they add up. Is it wrong for me to expect him to change the way he acts to make me feel more loved? He says that I need to figure out a better way of communicating to him that these things are important but when I ask for them normally, they get forgotten, and if I am more confrontational, he gets defensive. How can I communicate that I need these things? I'm in a lot of emotional pain and I don't know what to do. I feel sick and I'm thinking about leaving. How can I handle being the partner that needs more from the other?

Thank you so much for reading this rambling post. I really appreciate any advice.

TL;DR My husband and I are bad communicators- He gets defensive and I back down. On top of it, I feel like he doesn't remember the things that I say or the things that I request that would make me feel loved. How can I encourage him to be more active in our relationship? How much can I expect from someone regarding trying to meet my emotional needs, communication, and remembering the things I talk about?

Submitted April 21, 2019 at 06:12AM

Hi everyone. Thanks for reading this! I have been with my husband for a long time (8 years total). I have felt frustration and discontent in my relationship for a while, but I assumed that I felt that way because I am selfish, needy, and anxious- a view of myself that I am beginning to question (thanks, therapy). We definitely have communication issues and I have played a huge role in that. I back down to avoid conflict and he gets defensive. I have a hard time trusting how I feel and then I back track. I've been working on being more straight-forward and honest. About a month and a half ago, I told him that I was seriously unhappy with the relationship and we needed to work on it and make decisions regarding our life (I want kids, he doesn't; I want to move for my work; he doesn't; I want to have sex more; he doesn't). Since then, he has done a few things to work on our relationship- he sat with me on the couch without going on his phone (something I've asked for in the past) and he agreed to go to couples' counseling. Despite this, I've felt increasingly depressed about our relationship. I've brought up issues in our relationship many times before. For example, I would tell him that I felt like our relationship needed more romance. He got extremely angry, told me all the romantic things he had done, and slept on the couch. I felt selfish because he was right- he had done those romantic things (hugging, telling me he loved me, holding my hand) but I disregarded the fact that I still felt like there was a lack of romance so nothing would change. A while later, I would bring it up again because I felt the same way and the cycle would repeat. The same thing would happen with other complaints that I had about our relationship. I recognize that I did not communicate my complaints effectively. Then, I learned about love languages and the concept that the love you feel for someone and making someone feel loved are two different things resonated with me deeply. I finally felt that I had a way to explain to him that I knew he loved me but I still didn't feel cared for. I told him that I liked it when he asked me questions about my life, when he flirted with me, when he looked me in the eyes, when he spent time with me without his phone, and when he acted protectively. Sometimes he would act on these things but it would only last a little while. I explicitly told him that these things made me feel loved. I explicitly asked for these things. I have brought up the concept of love languages at least 50 times in our relationship. I asked him the other day if he knows what makes me feel loved. He said that he doesn't. I asked him about love languages. He did not know what I was talking about. I feel insane. I keep trying to get him to talk about the issues in our relationship but he is so resistant. He gets defensive, he tells me that he can tell that I hate him (I don't!). I don't know how to get him to work on these issues and I am so tired of always being the one to lead and initiate these conversations.Everyone that I talk to tells me that men are just bad at communicating. How much should I be able to expect from someone in terms of remembering the things that I say and taking an active role in the relationship? I feel like I am all alone already. I don't believe that he has ever initiated a conversation about our relationship. Am I asking too much by expecting that he does? I also wished that he paid closer attention to me and cared when I asked for specific things- like asking me how I'm feeling when I have a cold. sitting next to me, asking me questions. I know these aren't huge issues but they add up. Is it wrong for me to expect him to change the way he acts to make me feel more loved? He says that I need to figure out a better way of communicating to him that these things are important but when I ask for them normally, they get forgotten, and if I am more confrontational, he gets defensive. How can I communicate that I need these things? I'm in a lot of emotional pain and I don't know what to do. I feel sick and I'm thinking about leaving. How can I handle being the partner that needs more from the other?Thank you so much for reading this rambling post. I really appreciate any advice.TL;DR My husband and I are bad communicators- He gets defensive and I back down. On top of it, I feel like he doesn't remember the things that I say or the things that I request that would make me feel loved. How can I encourage him to be more active in our relationship? How much can I expect from someone regarding trying to meet my emotional needs, communication, and remembering the things I talk about?