Fixing the relationship after a 3-month long affair

I was on a 3-month long training away from home. My partner and I had moved in just a month before I left. Things had been rather tense and difficult between us because of my angry outbursts and violent tendencies. They got even worse because of an incident taking place the night before I left. At the training, I simply "forgot" everything. I tried acting normal with my partner. But they were clearly upset with me. After reaching out to them a couple of times and getting the cold shoulder, I simply got tired and gave up. Then while training, I found this person. I chased them and full-fledged flirted with them even though I didn't get much attention. Since my partner and I had hit a particularly rough patch, I bitched a lot about them to this new person. I shared screenshot of the conversations between my partner and me. I mocked my partner's anxiety, which they had developed due to my explosive anger and violence. I fudged some details and portrayed my partner as an abuser. Not just this new person I was interested in, but with also the friends that I made there. In my head, I justified it because I knew that the new person was already engaged and nothing really was gonna happen between us. Even with my friends, who weren't really comfortable with my flirting despite being in a committed 4-year relationship, I told them that the new person was just a distraction. Everything I did was evil, vile, and manipulative. I stopped giving my partner time and attention and since we would mostly argue, I avoided them. Further, I did not tell them about my "adventures" here. I know I am a messed up person. In my head, since that person and I had no physical relationship, it wasn't termed as "cheating" But I know better now. When I returned, my partner read the chats and confronted me. Everything met with lies, defiance, and aggression. I often intimidated my partner into silence. This was about 9 months ago. I have absolutely no clue why, but my partner is still with me. I know that I have hurt them a lot and I want to fix things. The truth is, I don't know how to fix things. I only keep going down the path of self-pity and self-loathing. I suggested that we go to a counsellor but they are against the idea. I am on medication for my behavioural issues. I have tried contacting some friends to tell them the truth and come clean, so that my partner knows that I am serious about changing. But even this idea was not mine, in fact, it was suggested by my partner. I am regretful about my actions, but I don't know how to show my remorse. I want to offer comfort and closure to my partner, who is really hurting. Can anybody help me here?

TL:DR Got violent with my partner and when I received the cold shoulder, started chasing another person. This continued for 3 months, but now I don't know how to mend my ways.

Submitted April 21, 2019 at 06:04AM

I was on a 3-month long training away from home. My partner and I had moved in just a month before I left. Things had been rather tense and difficult between us because of my angry outbursts and violent tendencies. They got even worse because of an incident taking place the night before I left. At the training, I simply "forgot" everything. I tried acting normal with my partner. But they were clearly upset with me. After reaching out to them a couple of times and getting the cold shoulder, I simply got tired and gave up. Then while training, I found this person. I chased them and full-fledged flirted with them even though I didn't get much attention. Since my partner and I had hit a particularly rough patch, I bitched a lot about them to this new person. I shared screenshot of the conversations between my partner and me. I mocked my partner's anxiety, which they had developed due to my explosive anger and violence. I fudged some details and portrayed my partner as an abuser. Not just this new person I was interested in, but with also the friends that I made there. In my head, I justified it because I knew that the new person was already engaged and nothing really was gonna happen between us. Even with my friends, who weren't really comfortable with my flirting despite being in a committed 4-year relationship, I told them that the new person was just a distraction. Everything I did was evil, vile, and manipulative. I stopped giving my partner time and attention and since we would mostly argue, I avoided them. Further, I did not tell them about my "adventures" here. I know I am a messed up person. In my head, since that person and I had no physical relationship, it wasn't termed as "cheating" But I know better now. When I returned, my partner read the chats and confronted me. Everything met with lies, defiance, and aggression. I often intimidated my partner into silence. This was about 9 months ago. I have absolutely no clue why, but my partner is still with me. I know that I have hurt them a lot and I want to fix things. The truth is, I don't know how to fix things. I only keep going down the path of self-pity and self-loathing. I suggested that we go to a counsellor but they are against the idea. I am on medication for my behavioural issues. I have tried contacting some friends to tell them the truth and come clean, so that my partner knows that I am serious about changing. But even this idea was not mine, in fact, it was suggested by my partner. I am regretful about my actions, but I don't know how to show my remorse. I want to offer comfort and closure to my partner, who is really hurting. Can anybody help me here?TL:DR Got violent with my partner and when I received the cold shoulder, started chasing another person. This continued for 3 months, but now I don't know how to mend my ways.