Trail of pathological liars/cheaters; how do I trust again?

(Please forgive me, this is my very first reddit post and this will be a lengthy read but definitely worth it!!)

A little background: I'm a 40 swf, never been married, single mom of the most amazing daughter in the world. I have been celibate the last 12 years (exclude a rape incident). I was in a long distance relationship in 2017, my first relationship in 10 years, and was finally making plans to marry and build a life together. Unfortunately he was killed in a car accident the 29th of December that year. It's been very tough since, but I do want to start thinking about moving forward. Unfortunately I don't know how after the following relationships have happened...

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My first long term relationship with Ex#1, I was 17 and he was 19, was 3 years and he cheated on me the entire time, abused me verbally, physically and financially.

In 2001 I have my beautiful daughter, her father was never in the picture. 2 months after having my daughter I met Ex#2 at my parents restaurant one night. We hit it off really well and within 3 months we were living together. The lies started after I moved in. The first lie was about a chocolate bar - a frickin' chocolate bar! What grown ass man lies about taking a chocolate bar?! I just left it alone though and tried not to make a big deal about it.

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As the relationship progressed, my daughter grew to see him as her "daddy". He was the one there for her, not her bio dad. (Spoiler: until she was 4 he refused to hear her call him daddy, not until we had a miscarriage of our own did he find the term endearing. At this point it was too little too late!) She was about a year old when he came to me with this story about his Dad doing some business in China. As some of the details started to come out over months, it felt a bit fishy. It needed to be kept this big secret for one, like NO ONE could know - he shouldn't have even been telling me kinda secrecy. Over the next year there seemed to be one scandal after another with this 'business'! I was really growing suspicious and tried talking to him many times, but he just kept spewing the same stuff. Finally he had enough of the stress, keeping this 'secret', problems at his job, our home life was tense, I'd just been in the hospital for a week so he was taking care of my daughter full time too. He came home from work around 10pm, day 4 after I got out of the hospital, and told me to "pack up [my] shit and get the fuck out of [his] house!!" I was stunned, shocked, and didn't know what to do. Thank God for family who came and helped us at midnight that night.

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We separated for about 6 mths. I'd gotten a basement apartment suite for us which turned out to be a house of horrors with the most evil, manipulative, lying witch I'd known to that point in my life. So we're slumming it at this place for about 3 weeks and I catch her in lie after lie. One lie being that she met this guy online and he was supposed to come for Christmas. He didn't show, but he managed to snail mail her an engagement ring! Like WTF?! Anyhow, turns out that this exact same guy from this dating website was talking to me too, so I knew she was lying! She lied about me as well. My 2.75 year old would get a bath around 7 and then get to bed, apparently this was too loud or inconvenient for her, so she freaked out to this guy, but never to me... she didn't have the balls I guess. Like I said, I only stayed 3 weeks.

My daughter and I got an apartment of our own next, with a stranger for a roommate, unfortunately in the same complex as Ex#2. At first it was hard,but eventually I caved in and gave him another chance. At the end of my lease I moved back in with Ex#2. I was happy to be away from my "roommate" because I found out he was a thief and the cops were looking for him. He'd confessed the story to me so when the police called I was honest with them. Well Ex#2 was FREAKING OUT, massively, about the cops coming to our place because of this whole China business deal thing, again. It made no sense! I wasn't talking to the cops about Ex#2 nor his family, it was strictly about my old roommate. Again this put a strain on things.

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Within another few months the tension at home got worse again. My daughter and I went camping with my sister's in-laws. Ex#2 stayed at home because he had to work. Before I left I had done all the laundry in the house, including his compression shorts for baseball. So the Friday night I tried to call him but got no answer; no big deal, he was probably at work or at baseball (which was only on Friday nights). The next day he calls and says he was working. Great. All was well on my end. My daughter and I come home 3 days later. His compression shorts are red from the shale, and I knew I had washed them before I left. I asked him about playing baseball and he lied to my face. Like seriously, WHY?! Over baseball! WTF!?! His uncle and his mom confirmed that he did play baseball that Friday too. This weekend we had gone over to his parents place to do laundry and visit, and I asked him again about playing baseball. I told him I didn't care that he played ball, it's the fact that he lied to me over and over again. That was the first time he physically assaulted me. Again he told me to get my shit out of his place. This was my last time! I wasn't going back.

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We moved into a new place and my heart started to change, slightly. I did still hold on to him, still loved him, and we tried just having a relationship without living together. During these ~8 mths he cheated on me. He told me that his twin brother signed him up on a dating website "as a joke". His brother owed him 400$ for months and couldn't pay a dime of that but he could pay a 200$ membership on a dating site as "a joke"?!

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That December I had a miscarriage and he did everything to profess his love and telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, etc. He would show up at my work and bring me lunch every day and would listen to the country song "My Name" by George Canyon, which is about miscarriage, on repeat ALL DAY LONG!!

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Here's the biggest lie... the following March my Grandfather passed away from complications after having a lung removed due to lung cancer. 2 weeks later my Uncle died of lung cancer. I went every day those 2 weeks to visit him, a skeleton of the man he used to be. So this was a really tough month for me and my family with both losses. 5 days after the funeral of my Uncle, Ex#2 decided this was a great time to hit me hard. He came over after work that night and sat me down to tell me that he went to the doctor's office at lunch that day. He said the doctor said he had lung cancer and only had 6 mths to live. Some red flags came up for me during this conversation with regards to this doctor's appointment and diagnosis so quickly (I'd just been through this, TWICE, so I know the process), but I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. We talked about the end process, when my daughter and I would need to stop seeing him at the hospital, the funeral, the will, etc. We cried together for hours. He then said he had an appointment the following Tuesday at the cancer center here. So after he left I talked to my roommate, who is a nurse, and told her everything. She didn't believe it at all and told me to call the cancer center. So I did call the next day to confirm his appointment. Fortunately the receptionist was super helpful and went through every doctor's schedule, no big surprise Ex#2's name didn't show up ANYWHERE! WHO TF DOES THIS? Days after I'd buried my grandfather and uncle from this disease! I asked him over after work and confronted him, to which he tried gaslighting me and continuing the lie. I was done. He tried calling me afterwards for months, but I never spoke to him again! SMDH

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Ex#3 was hinting at him proposing at Christmas 2006. Then when he was supposed to arrive at my house that Christmas he was a no show. He completely ghosted me for the next 10 months, minus a few texts so sporadic. Then he pops up again and apologizes, telling me that just before Christmas he had signed up for the Army Reserves. He apparently got "drafted to Afghanistan that day" and had no way to contact me. He told me he had the ring with him there but lost it just before he came home. He even sent me some pics, in which none of the people were him at all! I wasn't buying this. Turns out he was just cheating on me from the beginning. He lied about being in the military all together! I found out because he forgot his phone in his gf's car and I'd texted him, she replied and the whole story unraveled. So when he went to pick up his phone from her, she was on her phone with me. He got in the car to get the phone from her and she handed him over to me. I guess the expression on his face was priceless! He was caught, big time! I became friends with her after we both dumped him that day.

Ex#4 & 5 were narcissistic liars and manipulators as well.

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It's been long enough of being single, I do want to move on, but honestly I don't know how to trust again. I no longer have a resentment towards these guys, I just don't know how to trust someone else. My late ex who passed away was the only person I've let in like that, who I've felt safe enough to be vulnerable with, but he was taken from me too soon. I just don't know how to start to trust a man again to where I could have a healthy relationship??

Submitted May 30, 2019 at 03:14AM

(Please forgive me, this is my very first reddit post and this will be a lengthy read but definitely worth it!!)A little background: I'm a 40 swf, never been married, single mom of the most amazing daughter in the world. I have been celibate the last 12 years (exclude a rape incident). I was in a long distance relationship in 2017, my first relationship in 10 years, and was finally making plans to marry and build a life together. Unfortunately he was killed in a car accident the 29th of December that year. It's been very tough since, but I do want to start thinking about moving forward. Unfortunately I don't know how after the following relationships have happened...​My first long term relationship with Ex#1, I was 17 and he was 19, was 3 years and he cheated on me the entire time, abused me verbally, physically and financially.In 2001 I have my beautiful daughter, her father was never in the picture. 2 months after having my daughter I met Ex#2 at my parents restaurant one night. We hit it off really well and within 3 months we were living together. The lies started after I moved in. The first lie was about a chocolate bar - a frickin' chocolate bar! What grown ass man lies about taking a chocolate bar?! I just left it alone though and tried not to make a big deal about it.​As the relationship progressed, my daughter grew to see him as her "daddy". He was the one there for her, not her bio dad. (Spoiler: until she was 4 he refused to hear her call him daddy, not until we had a miscarriage of our own did he find the term endearing. At this point it was too little too late!) She was about a year old when he came to me with this story about his Dad doing some business in China. As some of the details started to come out over months, it felt a bit fishy. It needed to be kept this big secret for one, like NO ONE could know - he shouldn't have even been telling me kinda secrecy. Over the next year there seemed to be one scandal after another with this 'business'! I was really growing suspicious and tried talking to him many times, but he just kept spewing the same stuff. Finally he had enough of the stress, keeping this 'secret', problems at his job, our home life was tense, I'd just been in the hospital for a week so he was taking care of my daughter full time too. He came home from work around 10pm, day 4 after I got out of the hospital, and told me to "pack up [my] shit and get the fuck out of [his] house!!" I was stunned, shocked, and didn't know what to do. Thank God for family who came and helped us at midnight that night.​We separated for about 6 mths. I'd gotten a basement apartment suite for us which turned out to be a house of horrors with the most evil, manipulative, lying witch I'd known to that point in my life. So we're slumming it at this place for about 3 weeks and I catch her in lie after lie. One lie being that she met this guy online and he was supposed to come for Christmas. He didn't show, but he managed to snail mail her an engagement ring! Like WTF?! Anyhow, turns out that this exact same guy from this dating website was talking to me too, so I knew she was lying! She lied about me as well. My 2.75 year old would get a bath around 7 and then get to bed, apparently this was too loud or inconvenient for her, so she freaked out to this guy, but never to me... she didn't have the balls I guess. Like I said, I only stayed 3 weeks.My daughter and I got an apartment of our own next, with a stranger for a roommate, unfortunately in the same complex as Ex#2. At first it was hard,but eventually I caved in and gave him another chance. At the end of my lease I moved back in with Ex#2. I was happy to be away from my "roommate" because I found out he was a thief and the cops were looking for him. He'd confessed the story to me so when the police called I was honest with them. Well Ex#2 was FREAKING OUT, massively, about the cops coming to our place because of this whole China business deal thing, again. It made no sense! I wasn't talking to the cops about Ex#2 nor his family, it was strictly about my old roommate. Again this put a strain on things.​Within another few months the tension at home got worse again. My daughter and I went camping with my sister's in-laws. Ex#2 stayed at home because he had to work. Before I left I had done all the laundry in the house, including his compression shorts for baseball. So the Friday night I tried to call him but got no answer; no big deal, he was probably at work or at baseball (which was only on Friday nights). The next day he calls and says he was working. Great. All was well on my end. My daughter and I come home 3 days later. His compression shorts are red from the shale, and I knew I had washed them before I left. I asked him about playing baseball and he lied to my face. Like seriously, WHY?! Over baseball! WTF!?! His uncle and his mom confirmed that he did play baseball that Friday too. This weekend we had gone over to his parents place to do laundry and visit, and I asked him again about playing baseball. I told him I didn't care that he played ball, it's the fact that he lied to me over and over again. That was the first time he physically assaulted me. Again he told me to get my shit out of his place. This was my last time! I wasn't going back.​We moved into a new place and my heart started to change, slightly. I did still hold on to him, still loved him, and we tried just having a relationship without living together. During these ~8 mths he cheated on me. He told me that his twin brother signed him up on a dating website "as a joke". His brother owed him 400$ for months and couldn't pay a dime of that but he could pay a 200$ membership on a dating site as "a joke"?!​That December I had a miscarriage and he did everything to profess his love and telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, etc. He would show up at my work and bring me lunch every day and would listen to the country song "My Name" by George Canyon, which is about miscarriage, on repeat ALL DAY LONG!!​Here's the biggest lie... the following March my Grandfather passed away from complications after having a lung removed due to lung cancer. 2 weeks later my Uncle died of lung cancer. I went every day those 2 weeks to visit him, a skeleton of the man he used to be. So this was a really tough month for me and my family with both losses. 5 days after the funeral of my Uncle, Ex#2 decided this was a great time to hit me hard. He came over after work that night and sat me down to tell me that he went to the doctor's office at lunch that day. He said the doctor said he had lung cancer and only had 6 mths to live. Some red flags came up for me during this conversation with regards to this doctor's appointment and diagnosis so quickly (I'd just been through this, TWICE, so I know the process), but I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. We talked about the end process, when my daughter and I would need to stop seeing him at the hospital, the funeral, the will, etc. We cried together for hours. He then said he had an appointment the following Tuesday at the cancer center here. So after he left I talked to my roommate, who is a nurse, and told her everything. She didn't believe it at all and told me to call the cancer center. So I did call the next day to confirm his appointment. Fortunately the receptionist was super helpful and went through every doctor's schedule, no big surprise Ex#2's name didn't show up ANYWHERE! WHO TF DOES THIS? Days after I'd buried my grandfather and uncle from this disease! I asked him over after work and confronted him, to which he tried gaslighting me and continuing the lie. I was done. He tried calling me afterwards for months, but I never spoke to him again! SMDH​Ex#3 was hinting at him proposing at Christmas 2006. Then when he was supposed to arrive at my house that Christmas he was a no show. He completely ghosted me for the next 10 months, minus a few texts so sporadic. Then he pops up again and apologizes, telling me that just before Christmas he had signed up for the Army Reserves. He apparently got "drafted to Afghanistan that day" and had no way to contact me. He told me he had the ring with him there but lost it just before he came home. He even sent me some pics, in which none of the people were him at all! I wasn't buying this. Turns out he was just cheating on me from the beginning. He lied about being in the military all together! I found out because he forgot his phone in his gf's car and I'd texted him, she replied and the whole story unraveled. So when he went to pick up his phone from her, she was on her phone with me. He got in the car to get the phone from her and she handed him over to me. I guess the expression on his face was priceless! He was caught, big time! I became friends with her after we both dumped him that day.Ex#4 & 5 were narcissistic liars and manipulators as well.​It's been long enough of being single, I do want to move on, but honestly I don't know how to trust again. I no longer have a resentment towards these guys, I just don't know how to trust someone else. My late ex who passed away was the only person I've let in like that, who I've felt safe enough to be vulnerable with, but he was taken from me too soon. I just don't know how to start to trust a man again to where I could have a healthy relationship??