IDK how to deal Husband w/ anger management issues+depression

We've been married for 5 years, we have a 4 year old and a 2 months old baby. I'm (f) 27 and he's 28. He's a very smart person. He used to be very passionate about his career since he started very early. He bought his first car at 21 all cash. He used to work at the office and then work freelance at night because he was that passionate. He used to travel with his best friend(that's how we met), go jogging on the week ends, cycling twice a month, and take his late dog to the walks on the beach all the time. He was a happy grateful man. And when we decided to get married, we were so excited because we believed that our life together would be an even happier one.

I left my town(my job, my family and friends..) to come live with him and immediately got pregnant with our first. We both decided I would stay at home to take care of our kid until she gets to preschool. He really loved it. Me taking care of our little family and him getting home in the evening, finding a nice meal, his wife and his baby.. That's what he dreamed to have. And I enjoyed it too, it was like playing house. But I knew that I wouldn't be a stay at home mom for long. He was so invested in us that he quit his other activities even though I always encouraged him not to.

Then, slowly, he got sick of the routine. We were reliving the same day basically. But isn't that part of life? Because I knew that our lives would change with time, I was enjoying our boring life as a stay at home mom and I always tried to make it interesting. I mean we did a lot of stuff together, family trips and movies and whatever other families do together in their free time. But somehow, it wasn't enough for him.

Then when our kid was 2, we decided it's time for me to get to work and so I did. I worked for 6 months and I made new friends and I absolutely loved my job. Except I was always too busy for my kid and for him too.. I was working crazy hours and sometimes weekends too. So we decided to find another job fit for a 'mom' like me and then I got pregnant again.

I forgot to mention that I do have my little online business which is growing little by little. I don't earn a lot but I enjoy doing it an I believe with consistency it will grow even bigger in the upcoming years and I could earn a lot.

So while he insisted on me getting a job, he didn't like me working so much and now that I'm at home again he still doesn't like it. And I haven't done this to please him, anything I did so far was for me and for our family.

Meanwhile, he also progressed a lot in his career. From working for an independent small company to working in the big city for a really big well known corporation, his salary went up but somehow.. It wasn't the kind of progress he wanted. The money is never enough. He complains a lot about it even though we have zero debts, we also have no savings.

When he gets home to 'a nice meal and his wife and kids', he doesn't seem happy like before, he complains about how it's always messy! The problem is that it's not messy. I'm not a cleaning addict, but I keep our apartment clean enough and very tidy. Laundry is always done, food is always cooked, I dust once a week, I scrub toilets once a week and things are always in their respective places. But still, it's 'messy' for his taste. I mean it could be sparkly but I refuse to spend my days just cleaning and scrubbing! I'm not a Maid, for the sake of god I keep the kids alive and happy, that is a victory that I celebrate every day!

So when he gets home tired with the groceries and very upset about how the place looks and feels and smells and whatever..he gets mean. While he complains, he also hurts me with his words. He kinda mocks me in a way. Like I have so much free time, I don't do anything with my life, I live in a disgusting place(which seriously is not even that close), he takes it very far and makes me feel like shit and I usually am a very calm happy and bubbly person so I don't respond at the first mean comment. But when he doesn't stop, I also start being mean to him which is nothing like my character. Because I feel hurt and disrespected and weak..so I try to make him stop by doing the same thing he does because if I don't he just goes on and on.. But what that does, is make him angry af. And so he gets violent, he'd punch something, or throw something, or break something and last night, for the first time, he threw a fucking pacifier at me which hit me on my chest and it was painful.

Our kid saw that and she run to me crying 'daddy hit you' 'daddy hit you ! ' and she tried to calm me and I was extremely sad that she had to witness that and she had to feel those feelings and that she had to calm me !! A 4 year old !! I was out of it ! I've never seen my dad hit my mom or even hurt her with words but my kid saw that and she sees how he's always upset at me every single day and I'm tired of it !

I didn't react. I just went on with my evening with my kids and completely ignored him. But he froze. He knew he crossed the line and didn't know what to do. An hour later he came all nice and gentle, asking for forgiveness but I said no. And in the middle of the night, while the kids were asleep, he woke me up and took me to the kitchen where he made us smoothies and was all kind..i was not letting it go just like that. And I decided we had to talk. So we talked for hours and he explained how he feels like a failure, and how he is bored with our life and how I don't do anything with my time and how I don't take his advice for my online business (he wants me to work full time, but I don't, I like the pace I'm at now) and how he wished he was running his own company and how he wants me to encourage him or help him (I always support him no matter what he wants to do but he wants me to do more. More how ?) he said he wished I could work so we could help each other but I just gave birth 2 months ago so not possible now.

He wants a different life. I mean I also want some excitement, I want to travel the world and I want to be rich..But I also like our life together because we are together, we are healthy we have no debts we have 2 gorgeous beautiful healthy kids..I want more but I am also very grateful. And that's his problem: he isn't grateful at all.

We're still young, in our 20's and I know that our life will change in a couple of years, maybe when the kids are a bit older and I'm working, we'll fulfill all our dreams. And I also know that what we have now is precious and I try to enjoy every day and every moment with my babies. But he is not.

I get why he's disappointed. He started his career very young, he got married very young and he always felt like he was one step ahead of everything and everyone. Now he feels like he's not anymore and he can't find the time or the motivation to be like that again.

And while we were having that smoothie at 3 am and having a real conversation for the first time in a long time, I told him how miserable I feel every time he gets home. How hurtful and mean he can be to me and how I'm just trying to stay positive and happy for the sake of our kids. And that I know our life won't stay like this, it will eventually change in the future but for now I like to live in the present. And no matter how much he hates our present, it still is a beautiful life that he should be grateful for.

He said he's like this now, he can't change. Really? Constantly angry and depressed and won't change? I told him maybe he really has an issue and should get treated. He took it the wrong way of course.

My ideal daily life would be having my husband get home at night smiling and happy to see us, just us, not the windows that should have been open all day long because it smells like bolognese(duh I made dinner), or how the computer is still on. And then on the weekends we'd do trips like we used to and once a week, he'd go jogging with his friend and I'd go out with my friends too. And once a year, we'd travel to a foreign country and meet people from around the world. And everyday he'd be excited about his new project or he'd finally find the courage to use his expensive photography crazy equipment for business/hobby rather than just being used for my online business and I only use the same lense everytime.

I seriously don't know how to deal with this.

Submitted May 29, 2019 at 02:45PM

We've been married for 5 years, we have a 4 year old and a 2 months old baby. I'm (f) 27 and he's 28. He's a very smart person. He used to be very passionate about his career since he started very early. He bought his first car at 21 all cash. He used to work at the office and then work freelance at night because he was that passionate. He used to travel with his best friend(that's how we met), go jogging on the week ends, cycling twice a month, and take his late dog to the walks on the beach all the time. He was a happy grateful man. And when we decided to get married, we were so excited because we believed that our life together would be an even happier one.I left my town(my job, my family and friends..) to come live with him and immediately got pregnant with our first. We both decided I would stay at home to take care of our kid until she gets to preschool. He really loved it. Me taking care of our little family and him getting home in the evening, finding a nice meal, his wife and his baby.. That's what he dreamed to have. And I enjoyed it too, it was like playing house. But I knew that I wouldn't be a stay at home mom for long. He was so invested in us that he quit his other activities even though I always encouraged him not to.Then, slowly, he got sick of the routine. We were reliving the same day basically. But isn't that part of life? Because I knew that our lives would change with time, I was enjoying our boring life as a stay at home mom and I always tried to make it interesting. I mean we did a lot of stuff together, family trips and movies and whatever other families do together in their free time. But somehow, it wasn't enough for him.Then when our kid was 2, we decided it's time for me to get to work and so I did. I worked for 6 months and I made new friends and I absolutely loved my job. Except I was always too busy for my kid and for him too.. I was working crazy hours and sometimes weekends too. So we decided to find another job fit for a 'mom' like me and then I got pregnant again.I forgot to mention that I do have my little online business which is growing little by little. I don't earn a lot but I enjoy doing it an I believe with consistency it will grow even bigger in the upcoming years and I could earn a lot.So while he insisted on me getting a job, he didn't like me working so much and now that I'm at home again he still doesn't like it. And I haven't done this to please him, anything I did so far was for me and for our family.Meanwhile, he also progressed a lot in his career. From working for an independent small company to working in the big city for a really big well known corporation, his salary went up but somehow.. It wasn't the kind of progress he wanted. The money is never enough. He complains a lot about it even though we have zero debts, we also have no savings.When he gets home to 'a nice meal and his wife and kids', he doesn't seem happy like before, he complains about how it's always messy! The problem is that it's not messy. I'm not a cleaning addict, but I keep our apartment clean enough and very tidy. Laundry is always done, food is always cooked, I dust once a week, I scrub toilets once a week and things are always in their respective places. But still, it's 'messy' for his taste. I mean it could be sparkly but I refuse to spend my days just cleaning and scrubbing! I'm not a Maid, for the sake of god I keep the kids alive and happy, that is a victory that I celebrate every day!So when he gets home tired with the groceries and very upset about how the place looks and feels and smells and whatever..he gets mean. While he complains, he also hurts me with his words. He kinda mocks me in a way. Like I have so much free time, I don't do anything with my life, I live in a disgusting place(which seriously is not even that close), he takes it very far and makes me feel like shit and I usually am a very calm happy and bubbly person so I don't respond at the first mean comment. But when he doesn't stop, I also start being mean to him which is nothing like my character. Because I feel hurt and disrespected and weak..so I try to make him stop by doing the same thing he does because if I don't he just goes on and on.. But what that does, is make him angry af. And so he gets violent, he'd punch something, or throw something, or break something and last night, for the first time, he threw a fucking pacifier at me which hit me on my chest and it was painful.Our kid saw that and she run to me crying 'daddy hit you' 'daddy hit you ! ' and she tried to calm me and I was extremely sad that she had to witness that and she had to feel those feelings and that she had to calm me !! A 4 year old !! I was out of it ! I've never seen my dad hit my mom or even hurt her with words but my kid saw that and she sees how he's always upset at me every single day and I'm tired of it !I didn't react. I just went on with my evening with my kids and completely ignored him. But he froze. He knew he crossed the line and didn't know what to do. An hour later he came all nice and gentle, asking for forgiveness but I said no. And in the middle of the night, while the kids were asleep, he woke me up and took me to the kitchen where he made us smoothies and was all kind..i was not letting it go just like that. And I decided we had to talk. So we talked for hours and he explained how he feels like a failure, and how he is bored with our life and how I don't do anything with my time and how I don't take his advice for my online business (he wants me to work full time, but I don't, I like the pace I'm at now) and how he wished he was running his own company and how he wants me to encourage him or help him (I always support him no matter what he wants to do but he wants me to do more. More how ?) he said he wished I could work so we could help each other but I just gave birth 2 months ago so not possible now.He wants a different life. I mean I also want some excitement, I want to travel the world and I want to be rich..But I also like our life together because we are together, we are healthy we have no debts we have 2 gorgeous beautiful healthy kids..I want more but I am also very grateful. And that's his problem: he isn't grateful at all.We're still young, in our 20's and I know that our life will change in a couple of years, maybe when the kids are a bit older and I'm working, we'll fulfill all our dreams. And I also know that what we have now is precious and I try to enjoy every day and every moment with my babies. But he is not.I get why he's disappointed. He started his career very young, he got married very young and he always felt like he was one step ahead of everything and everyone. Now he feels like he's not anymore and he can't find the time or the motivation to be like that again.And while we were having that smoothie at 3 am and having a real conversation for the first time in a long time, I told him how miserable I feel every time he gets home. How hurtful and mean he can be to me and how I'm just trying to stay positive and happy for the sake of our kids. And that I know our life won't stay like this, it will eventually change in the future but for now I like to live in the present. And no matter how much he hates our present, it still is a beautiful life that he should be grateful for.He said he's like this now, he can't change. Really? Constantly angry and depressed and won't change? I told him maybe he really has an issue and should get treated. He took it the wrong way of course.My ideal daily life would be having my husband get home at night smiling and happy to see us, just us, not the windows that should have been open all day long because it smells like bolognese(duh I made dinner), or how the computer is still on. And then on the weekends we'd do trips like we used to and once a week, he'd go jogging with his friend and I'd go out with my friends too. And once a year, we'd travel to a foreign country and meet people from around the world. And everyday he'd be excited about his new project or he'd finally find the courage to use his expensive photography crazy equipment for business/hobby rather than just being used for my online business and I only use the same lense everytime.I seriously don't know how to deal with this.